musey85
New Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 96
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Post by musey85 on Feb 27, 2012 10:42:46 GMT -5
Alright, I wanted to ask everyone's advice on something - my husband and I are a young, recently married couple. I myself am a messie, not really a hoarder, and the same could be said for DH. I am so desperately trying to create habits in myself for everyday maintenance - dishes done, wash turned around, floors swept - and it is a struggle in more ways than one. That, however, is not the issue. My issue is that sometimes when I get up to take care of the dinner dishes, or turn some wash around so I have something clean to wear to work tomorrow, my husband throws a bit of a tantrum...He doesn't want to get up that particular second, and clean something. I tell him, well, you don't have to, because I AM getting up to clean this dish, nothing to do with you. He claims that he has to get up, because he feels guilty when I do work alone in the house (he is currently unemployed and looking for work, which probably leads to this feeling of guilt). I say, look, I'm just going to do this for 5 minutes, come and help me then. He cops an attitude, reiterates that he doesn't WANT to get up this PARTICULAR SECOND. I lose my (admittedly short) temper, and argument ensues. Over me trying to keep our little house clean. I'm really at a loss. How can I keep my house maintained, and at the same time deal with this attitude of his without leading to an argument? I'm just trying to do dishes!  Sigh. |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Feb 27, 2012 11:01:41 GMT -5
Sounds like classic "demand sensitivity" to me. "Demand Sensitivity" is when you perceive any situation or suggestion or comment (even one from yourself) as being a demand. ... that lingering feeling that the Universe, Your Own Self, or Other People are DEMANDING that you DO something. The example I use is: If someone says "The sky is very blue today", a demand sensitive response would be to perceive that comment as a DEMAND that you turn off the computer and go outside.
In reality, the person who said that the sky was very blue -- she may have been thinking aloud to herself about the color blue and what colors she was going to use in her next art class. But you perceived a demand emanating from her. The other term is "demand resistance" ... which is a knee-jerk resistance to any real or imaginary demand. This often follows after "demand sensitivity". Read the "demand resistance" thread for more info takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=favorites&action=display&thread=16221I would suggest reading through the discussion on that thread, and then ... perhaps ... you could even write up the concepts of demand sensitivity and demand resistance ... in your own words. Once you have it written in you own words, then perhaps you could discuss it with your spouse ... And then suggest that, probably BOTH of you do these things at times. Once I became aware of this terminology, I was able to catch myself doing it, and this helped me to calm down and react more rationally. Eventually some of my resistance faded. - |
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musey85
New Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 96
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Post by musey85 on Feb 27, 2012 11:06:40 GMT -5
Thanks very much CL_SS! I have actually scanned through that thread once, but it never occurred to me that it might apply to this! I will definitely re-read and think some more.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Feb 27, 2012 11:16:09 GMT -5
Another example of "Demand Sensitivity" would be ...
When your phone rings, instinctively feeling that you MUST answer it now ... like it's demanding to be answered.
OR when your email program says you have new email, instinctively feeling that that new email is DEMANDING to be opened and read.
Logically, you might know that the voicemail can answer the phone, and that email can be read LATER ...
But ... you have this instinctive irrational response that the Universe is placing demands upon you to check your messages RIGHT NOW.
And then you feel resentful of these "demands" because you're already very busy.
I don't know why we do this. But many of us react in this way.
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 27, 2012 14:50:53 GMT -5
I'm pretty well versed in demand resistance, but the explanation and examples of demand sensitivity are eye-opening!
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Post by hangers on Feb 27, 2012 15:51:57 GMT -5
I wish you people would stop demanding I learn all this stuff about demand resistance. I have a very fleeting grasp of this concept, then I forget it, and then you make me figure it out again.  |
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Post by Chris on Feb 27, 2012 17:57:13 GMT -5
 hi musey85 -- my husband and I have been married 26 years. And I just recently figured out that if something is bothering me -- I need to find a way to talk to him at time other than when the issue has come up. For example, he used to throw sweaty ikky tshirts (I mean soaked) into the dirty clothing hamper and unless I caught it it would ruin other clothing. But, even though I'm standing there with the soaking wet clothing and I'm justifiable upset -- right then would be a poor time to talk with him about it. This I learned after the experience over the years of how terribly those conversations go if I'm pretty upset when I approach him with something like....... "why on earth did you put this soaking wet ikky tshirt in with the other clothing .... you're ruining our other clothes .... please just put the wet shirts in with the towels or hang them over the side of the towel hamper" -- see no matter what I say even if it's reasonable -- I'm upset. He can't help but react to it because I'm scolding and not happy and it goes poorly. But --- for me anyway, I've found that if I can find another time when we're going along pretty well and maybe just connecting positively and I'm able to work into the conversation how much it would mean to me if he'd be careful not to put his soaking t-shirts into the other dirty but decent clothing .... he seems to receive the message better and remember better and also we don't get into a big heated argument. It is difficult to do this -- but at times it's even worked for me to go to him and say -- "sometime when you get time, there's something important I'd like you to help me with". So then when he would come and say -- "whats going on - what do you need me to do?" ... then if I was able to be calm and rational about it I would say --- "well some of our clothes are getting ruined ... I think we just are going to have to make sure to put anything thats really gross in with the towels instead of the main hamper. " Can you tell this wasn't one conversation? It has been sort of a repeating thing that comes up sometimes but I have him pretty well trained now. It sounds like you really only have to impress on him that it's okay if the two of you work on housekeeping at different times, and that he is not obligated to get up and help you right when you decide to do a task. I can kind of understand how that must be. Guilt can be a real pain. I hope you'll find a time you and he will be able to talk about this and come to a better solution. I do think he will feel differently about it all when he is back to work or has a real sense of purpose so that things like dishes and laundry fall into perspective easier for him. Good luck to you - I can feel your frustration. I'm sure you don't want to have to sneak around tip toeing about to get some cleaning done.  
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