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Post by messyme on Jun 1, 2012 21:21:49 GMT -5
I've been doing fairly well with my de-squaloring lately. But I'm having huge problems prioritizing things in my life! I picture myself juggling many, many balls. I'm trying to keep them all in the air -- children, school, parents, housework, healthy eating/exercise/weight loss, finances, dog, etc. I'm never really able to keep them all in the air at once. Certain things happen in my life or a certain amount of time passes without me giving enough thought to one of the balls, and so I feel like I need to work on that area more. So I do. And things in that part of my life do improve. But the other areas always end up suffering -- enough that I have to stop focusing on one area, and pay attention to the others. The last couple months, I've been focusing on my clutter/squalor. Things in that area have really been improving. But to do that, I've had to put in extra time, and my schoolwork has suffered. I'm supposed to be doing an online course in addition to my 5-day-per-week on-site course, but I've barely done anything in the online course! When I sit down and write a list of everything I have to do that's fairly to very important, it's SO long! My day is pretty much spent going to/from and at school, doing homework including research/essays, taking care of/spending time with my kids, running errands (driving my parents around, groceries, picking up various things my kids need for school/activities/daily life), etc. I don't know how to prioritize, because everything seems important! I haven't been able to find many short free-time sessions for cleaning; I'm on the go all day, and by the time the kids are finally asleep, I'm exhausted and often fall asleep, but then wake up earlier the next day to make lunches, get clothes ready, do homework, check e-mail, etc. So this weekend, because my young son is away for 2 days (which never happens), I decided to clean his room. I cleaned my daughter's room a couple of weeks ago. But my mom has asked me to drive here around to a couple of stores, and I have so much catching up to do with school, and I should really take my dog to the dog park because I keep saying "tomorrow" I'll take him for a longer walk; the last couple of weeks I haven't done much with him! If I try to figure out what to do, as I said, everything seems important. My son needs a nice clear area to play in. There are little clear areas around the house where he plays, but his toys get lost all the time and he really needs his room cleaned up and organized. But my parents don't drive and my mom has done SO much for me over the years, I can't say no to driving her to a few stores (that aren't really close, so it would be about 3 hours or more); she has surgery just a few weeks ago. I badly need a haircut and my daughter really wants (and deserves) one -- my last haircut was about a year ago and hers was also; she grew out a very short haircut and now her hair is very "akward" and needs to be trimmed. My son needs a haircut too. And he needs to see the dentist. We all do. And on and on... So I'm not sure if I'm going to tackle my son's room this weekend as planned, although it really needs to be done! How do I figure out what's most important? I feel as if, if I asked 100 people, they'd all say I should do something different. For example, my dentist would say that oral health is so important, and that if I don't take my children do the dentist, problems they have will just get worse and worse (and I don't have a lot of money but can get it paid for, but that takes lots of time and paperwork, much of which I don't know wher eit is, in addition to the actual appointments, that's why it's such a big deal). And my professors tell me how important homework, etc. is, and I know that if I want a good job and to get out of financial squalor, that's true. Me, I'm the one who often focuses on my children and making sure I'm spending enough quality time with them and giving them what they need physically/emotionally. Others would say that my clutter/squalor is definitely bad enough that I should forget the rest and focus on it for a while (and it would take a very long while!). I know that I should know what's best for myself and my family, but what I'm saying here is that I don't know. A big part of my problem in the past with squalor has been that, when I think about my priorities -- even though I DESPERATELY want/need a nice, clean house -- it comes near the bottom of the list. More than a clean house, I need to do my schoolwork so that I can get the student loan so I can live and support myself and get a good job finally in the near future; I need to help my parents/family; I need to spend time with my children; etc. A clean house always seems to come out at the bottom. So when I've been concentrating on it for a while and other areas of my life suffer, I tend to kind of give up on it. And since it's nowhere near the "maintenance" phase, it's extremely difficult to maintain! Things get lost, broken, undone, etc. Not only that but there are so many other consequences of squalor -- ex: I owe the library a few hundred dollars for late/lost books/videos! They're all somewhere amongst the squalor. I've talked to the library and they can't do anything about the fines. If I find and return the books, my fine will go down a lot (ex: from maybe $300-400 to $80, which is doable for me). I read a lot to my kids and they read too, especially my 11-year-old; she goes through a couple of books a week, often. I have to BUY them all (used for about 50 or 99 cents, or if there's a new one she really wants, sometimes new). I know that cleaning up my squalor will have SO many benefits, and so it's even more important and will affect many other areas of my life, but it still often gets pushed to the bottom of my priorities. I'm starting to feel as if, after a few months, I've gotten to that point where I've left other areas of my life unattended, and they need attention now! And I can't find a way to keep working on my house at a decent pace and take care of all the other things on my "to-do" list that are as important or more important. I remember writing somewhere, a few years ago: "Desperate times call for desperate measures". When I wrote that, I was referring to my squalor. I felt as if it had gotten to the point where I had to put other areas of my life on hold and concentrate on it. But that is extremely difficult to do, as a single mother with two young children in school, living off student loans (so if I took a break from school -- no income!). I don't even remember what I had in mind at the time. I think the first time I wrote that down, I was moving to a different house, and realizing that the move date was approaching quickly and I needed to do something drastic. I barely got myself and my stuff moved in time, and it was chaos; and I still have many boxes unpacked (that was about 5 years ago!). Now, as I said I feel as if I have to give up on de-squaloring for a bit, or take desperate measures. (The biggest problem with taking a break from de-squaloring is that I don't forsee any point in the near future when I'll have more time to be able to work on it; and since I rent my townhouse and have inspections, repair people come in, etc. a couple of times a year, there WILL be a point in the near-ish future where I will be forced to do something drastic about my squalor, and it won't be at a time of my choosing -- one of the last times, it was during an exam week at school and it was horrible). Sorry for the really long post. I feel like I need to make a big decision and figure out what I can do to END this cycle for once, but I really don't know what to do!
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Post by dtesposito on Jun 1, 2012 22:02:52 GMT -5
Hi messyme, I have no advice, just sympathy. I have only myself to worry about (well, and my animals) and am only working part time, and I can't get what I want done. I can just imagine what it's like to have a job and school and kids--it must feel like you don't have one spare minute.
I know squalor seems to fall at the bottom of the list of priorities, but as you've pointed out, it can cause financial issues. Not to mention health and safety issues, stress, etc. In fact, it can take away the little bit of spare time you would have had, because you probably have to look for things, move things, etc. that you wouldn't have to if your house was uncluttered. So if putting some time into cleaning up might buy you some future time for something else, it's worth doing.
I wish you luck in finding a balance amongst all of your responsibilities.
Diane
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Post by Di on Jun 1, 2012 22:24:16 GMT -5
How old are your children? Younger kids just neeed you around. Talk to them and include them in the cleaning process.
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Post by PerrinJade on Jun 1, 2012 23:21:16 GMT -5
For me, desqualoring was the priority. When I did the bulk of the work, Thomas was still quite little. For now, I'm okay with my home going a little bit. I try not to fall below a level 1. I've got a decent routine going, though, finally. I finally feel like I can start really focusing on other things. Since I'm on a break from school, I'm working on weight loss. I think it's important for me to remember my mom's favorite catch phrase: It doesn't have to be perfect. I don't have to be a perfect mom at her ideal weight. I don't have to get all "A"s in school. I don't have to have a spotless home. When I remember that sometimes things would be in the air and sometimes they'd be in my hands, resting, I am a little better off.
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Post by puppybox on Jun 1, 2012 23:58:06 GMT -5
Perhaps you can get someone else to drive your parents around until you are more caught up with cleaning?
I think you have a fairly big house. Perhaps you can designate certain areas as "not a priority to clean" and then just cross them off your list. like, if you have a table in the kitchen and in the dining room, just forget about the dining room totally for now.
I would say taking a walk each day could be a good thing for you physically, emotionally and good for the dog. A good way to calm your head that has all these things to think about.
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Post by eagle on Jun 2, 2012 0:00:30 GMT -5
Messyme, it's a real hard crunch to find enough time for everything when you're a single mom with small boys, a dog and going to school and working and trying to keep the house clean! I've been there. It was exhausting and I was always tired.
Learning to prioritize when you're in turmoil is not an easy task. I was fortunate in that my education was in nursing and a major focus in that profession is promblem solving, which includes prioritization. So I was able to learn to apply some of the concepts we were taught to use with patient care to my own life. One of the most important things I learned, I think, was that goals can be broken down into smaller steps and it's the smaller steps that have to be done before a goal can be reached.
Here are some tips & ideas, which you can take or leave as you see fit:
1. The health & welfare of your kids and yourself are your first priority. Underneath that go the tasks that are required to meet the goal of keeping you all healthy, nourished, sheltered and safe. I would put your dog under this category because the dog fulfills a component of keeping the family happy by providing love and care for another living being, plus teaches them responsibility. But as you see, the dog is a lower priority than you or the kids.
2. The education of you & your kids might come next, or go below #1 above. Under education, there are probably many sub-goals, that have lesser priority, but may be necessary steps to reach the larger goal (like getting that degree.)
3. Your relationships with your other family members and friends, are important to your welfare, but less of a priority than the above. Do you see what I mean? They don't come first, when you have to choose between your goals and your mother's goals, your goals are really the deciding factor. Deciding what's more important, studying so you can get your degree so you can get a job with insurance to provide for your family, OR driving your mom to a couple of stores.... Sometimes you just have to say, No.
I'd suggest you take some time to list your main goals. Then under each of them, list the steps needed to reach those goals. Then look at how much time you believe each of those will take and put timelines to each sub-step, so you know how much time it will take to reach the main goal. Then look at each item to honestly evaluate which are urgent and which are not. Be honest with yourself about how important they really are to you and how much effort you believe you can put into them. But even more important be honest about how ATTAINABLE they are. Setting unattainable goals does not lead to feelings of success or accomplishment.
You can do the same with your daily list, too. Either the night before or when you get up in the morning. BUT don't just jump in and start doing things. Prioitize them by how urgent they are, and honestly consider how much time each task or sub-step will take in order to accomplish the main goals. Realistically look at the benefit of each goal. For example, you may want to clean out your son's room AND you may want to bake a cake. Both might take the same amount of time, but you only have so much time and you can't accomplish both. So which one provides the most benefit. That helps you prioritize.
And you need to be flexible. Sometimes priorities have to change for example, you get a flat tire on your way to taking your son to school. The priority becomes fixing the car and getting your son to school becomes the second priority, when before the flat it was the first. Then of course, other things may have to move down on the list and some may even have to be dropped or at least postponed.
One more thing. Let go of perfectionism. When you're this busy with this many responsibilities, perfectionism just doesn't have a place in your life.
You may be doing too much and might really have to cut some things out. Sometimes we just can't do it all.
ETA: I said small boys because that's what I had. I know you have a daughter. I said single mom because that's what I was, but only assume you are. I said working (outside the home) because I did that, too. Not sure if you do, but working inside the home is still WORK! The similarities are there, but of course there are differences, too.
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Post by Sunshine on Jun 2, 2012 3:11:14 GMT -5
It's tough, being a single mum and also trying to manage outside commitments. I didn't have study, but I had work, and it was really hard. There's been lots of great advice given here. Eagle, you really do have the hang of the prioritising thing! My only suggestion to add is that maybe some things can be combined. For example, the kids can walk the dog with you. That gives a nice opportunity to have a chat about how their day has been. Likewise, if you drive your mum on a day when you have both the kids, they get some gran-time. And could one of them have a haircut while your mum does her shopping chores? Just a thought, and heaven knows you are probably better than you think at juggling to have come this far!
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Post by lozzylooloo on Jun 2, 2012 3:33:21 GMT -5
I find it hard enough with two young kids, pets, and a ~10hr per week job. I couldnt imagine trying to squeeze study in there too - you are awesome! I understand the juggle, though, and the mummy guilt it brings. If I stay up late to clean, then I'm grumpy with the kids. Going to work means the kids need me more before and after work to make up the closeness.
I don't have answers - I wish I did!! I can tell you that you are awesome for keeping on keeping on. One of my mantras is "this too shall pass" which can be good and bad. One day, from the other side of your study, when the house is cleaner, the kids are older, etc, you will look back on this time amazed and proud that you achieved so much together. Right now, it might just be about getting through it I agree that a less cluttered house can probably save you other time and stress, and just do as much as you can to 'get by' in the other life areas? I am constantly up and down with my house but certainly the better it is when a hiccup (sick kids/extra hours at work etc) happens, the better I handle that hiccup and, even though the house goes back down again, it's faster to bring it back a bit. I think it's wonderful you are trying to help out your parents too. Does your mum know about your efforts on your house? It's ok if she doesn't and/or you don't want to tell her, but if she does, of you just explain it is why you are struggling to find time to take her to shops I hope she would understand.
Your daughters room looks amazing, and it would be nice to be able to give your son the same gift. But right now, it would be okay not to get it all done to the same level. Perhaps you could commit a few hours just to getting obvious rubbish off the floor and clothes away, and maybe discreetly disposing of some broken toys too? If that would make his room better it would at least be a start and he would have a clearer space in his own room to play.
Sorry, I started rambling!! Suffice to say, all we can do is try to get the balance right most of the time. I can't give you answers, but I can definitely offer empathy and support xo
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Post by maggie on Jun 2, 2012 4:05:45 GMT -5
Can you withdraw from the online course? If yes, then withdraw. You need the breather. It's been a while (more than a decade) since I applied for student loans, but it seems to me that you were considered a full time student as long as you were taking 12 credits per semester. If possible in your program of study, reduce your courseload to the minimum required to be considered full time (keeping in mind any requirements if you have any ongoing scholorships). You would end up with more student loans for taking longer to complete your degree. However, you might qualify for remission at the end anyway; if they still offer it, you might get interest relief (interest covered and no repayments for a certain length of time); plus, if I understand the new system, there are maximums on what you have to repay (this might have replaced interest relief).
For the dental paperwork, can it be replaced? If it can be replaced with a phone call or two and a polite request, then just replace it instead of trying to find the originals. Voice of experience here.
My prioritizing is pretty much whatever is urgent gets done, and anything else is thrown on the do-it-later pile. It's not a very good system.
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Post by JoyInAction on Jun 2, 2012 8:33:02 GMT -5
Some really great advice has been given here. Eagle’s priority strategy is excellent and is one of the gems of this forum that I will appropriate for myself. Sometimes it’s easy to react to what is the most urgent, but in the long run you may want to give urgency to what’s really important. Avoid the toothaches by tending to oral care right now. Just find a way, before you or your children are screaming in pain. Please consider this as advice – not an order. Can you do a virtual downsizing by pretending you have a little 3 BDR 1BA house? Can you literally close off areas or simply choose only a few areas that you allow to be used at this busy time of your life, so you don’t have to maintain the whole thing? Be careful not to turn those areas into rooms of doom over time by tossing in there everything you don’t want to deal with at any given moment. But for right now just don’t use them, clean them, or make them any worse. Can the three of you get by with using and cleaning: o only one of the bathrooms o either the living room OR the family room, but not both o the kitchen table but not the dining room table, as puppybox mentioned?
Can your 11-year old be asked to help in the lunch-making process? Can she do some of the prep the evening before to lessen the time it takes to get ready in the morning? Is there an age-appropriate list of chores she can do? Reading is important, but so is developing other skills. Your mom has helped you a lot in the past. I suspect it’s because she wanted to help. She may still want to. Is her situation and health such that she can help you if you ask? I’m hoping you could spin it in a way that she knows you want to also spend time with her and that it’s not a trade-off for your driving her around or that she’s a burden to you in any way. But that you really need her, which is true. She can also be good counsel for helping you assess and manage priorities. She did these sorts of things before you, though maybe not as a single mother. Can your dad come along with her? Is he young enough to enjoy playing with the kids, particularly your boy? Could he help parent by introducing the little guy to the joys of organizing his toy stash? His toys don’t need to be scattered throughout the house. He can be asked to corral them in the play area of his own room. I know this is a long response to your long query. I hope you’re hanging in there. I wish you well.
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Post by ramatama on Jun 2, 2012 10:28:55 GMT -5
A lot of advice has been given and that from those who have been there.
I was thinking about your lost misplaced books, videos etc from the library.
Would it be feasible to ask your kids to help you find them?
Maybe designate one box for all videos lying around, one for all books that are not in bookcases? Maybe some and hopefully all will turn up that way.
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Post by einsteinsdesk on Jun 2, 2012 13:17:22 GMT -5
Yes a lot of good advice so far.
We used to have that same problem with MIA library materials. Here's something that helped me keep the library books from wandering to parts unknown. We have a rule that only 3 items can be checked out at a time. We used to check out the maximum each:10 items. Late fees on those 20 items really added up. What were we thinking? We can't read all the books at once. So three is the limit. The other thing that helps is having a place for library books. Ours reside in a tote by the front door when not being actively used.
I know this won't help you find the lost books right now, but they could help keep the situation from repeating itself once you get those books corralled.
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Post by messyme on Jun 2, 2012 17:09:24 GMT -5
Thank you so much for all the replies! My house is very, very, very cluttered. I don't think I can overstate how cluttered it is! This is the problem. I have so, so much stuff to deal with and it takes me a long time to think and make decisions about things, even though I'm eventually able to give up a lot. maggie -- I just missed the deadline to withdraw from the online course! I'm going to call the school and see if I can still drop it, though. That one course is horrible -- an online French Literature course (all in French). I don't think courses like that should even be offered online. I thought I could do it, but I just can't. When I thought about what's really stressing me out, that one course is a big part of it, because it requires lots and lots of time because it's condensed during the summer. It's supposed to be a full-year course, but it's only 6 weeks long. I really hope I can drop it and that it doesn't affect my student loan, although I think it might. I'm going to clean my son's room today. Unfortunately most of the day is gone already because I had other important things to do. But I had a good sleep last night and I can stay up later tonight. I have to do a really good job on it; I've tried to do it a little at a time, but then my son has nowhere to put things really, not everything has a home, etc. It will need some final touches later (ex: I can't find a desk that I can afford that will work well in his room yet, I don't have any curtains or window coverings, etc.) but I need to get it mostly in order. When he was younger he always wanted to play near where I was (normal for younger kids); now he's okay playing on his own, so this will give him and his toys a clear place to play while I work on the rest of the house. JoyInAction -- that's a great idea and I'm sort of doing that now. I only have a small 3-bedroom house and I'm focusing on one bathroom, the kids' rooms, part of my room, and the kitchen and part of the dining room (the kitchen is small with no table in it; the only table is in the "dining room" which is not really a separate room and it's small). What's really causing me a lot of anxiety though is that I KNOW that at any time, I could get a notice in my mailbox that the windows are being replaced in several rooms, and so even if I get the house to a point where it's only half messy, I'll still be in big trouble. So that's a big reason why I have to get it all done. Thanks for the advice about the library books. Once the house is much less cluttered, it will be much easier to keep track of library books, and I will take out less at a time, that's a great idea and that's what I should've been doing before! eagle -- thanks for all your helpful points. You're right that the health and welfare of the children are my first priority. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, how much is the clutter affecting their health/welfare. They're very rarely sick and the house is not squalorlous (sometimes the kitchen sink area is, and one of the bathrooms that we don't use is, but that's about it). Mostly it's just really, really cluttered. We do a lot of things outside of the house (sports, music, hiking, dog-walking, etc.) so they get lots of exercise and don't spend a huge amount of time in the house (partly on purpose because of the clutter). They're both doing very well in school, socially, health-wise, etc. They're both very happy. So, that's why I often put the cluttered house at the bottom of the list. I've learned to make things work. But it's very exhausting and I hate living like this and I want them to have friends over again and I want to make sure I teach them good cleaning routines for their future! I was thinking about this today and I had an English teacher in high school that was really into organizing/time management systems. She had probably just read some good books or attended a seminar because she was really enthusiastic about some ideas. This was many, many years ago but I still remember a few things she said that she did! One of them was that she had a list of things to do, I think she grouped them by priority. Some items might have been lower priority, but if they remained on the list day after day and never ended up getting done, they got a higher priority. I've heard someone here I think say that some people remove an item from a list completely if it doesn't get done. That's another option, if it's really such a low priortiy that it doesn't really matter. But if it's something important that just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list and not getting done, it needs to be re-evaluated. That's what I'm doing here, I think -- realizing that I've been concentrating on school and other things, thinking I'll chip away at my clutter bit by bit; but now it's been long enough and has caused enough grief that I feel as if it is now a big priority. So I started treating it like one, but I can't figure out how to fit in the rest of my life's tasks! So I'm thinking, maybe I really need to change things in a big way. Sorry for another long post. Thanks again for all your support. I'm going to go tackle my son's room now. I'll post photos when I'm done!
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Post by lozzylooloo on Jun 2, 2012 19:29:54 GMT -5
I've heard someone here I think say that some people remove an item from a list completely if it doesn't get done. That's another option, if it's really such a low priortiy that it doesn't really matter. But if it's something important that just keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list and not getting done, it needs to be re-evaluated. That's what I'm doing here, I think -- realizing that I've been concentrating on school and other things, thinking I'll chip away at my clutter bit by bit; but now it's been long enough and has caused enough grief that I feel as if it is now a big priority. So I started treating it like one, but I can't figure out how to fit in the rest of my life's tasks! So I'm thinking, maybe I really need to change things in a big way. LOVE this!! Thank you! Good luck with your sons room, let us know how you going
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Post by maggie on Jun 2, 2012 21:43:51 GMT -5
Just as a think-outside-the-box possibility -- if you cannot drop that online course, what is the worse thing that happens if you get a fail? If it doesn't put you on the old dean's vacation (academic suspension) and it doesn't affect your student loans, you could just let the prof know that you can't do it and you won't complete it, but you have to remain registered in the class. No one likes to fail, but it won't be the end of the world to have one fail on your transcript. If it ever comes up in a job interview, it can be a talking point about the summer you learned about bringing balance to your life.
I have 4 boys. Right before number 3 was born, I stash and dashed a LOT of toys in the basement. They have been there now for almost 5 years. So we have some terrific toys that number 2 and 3 never got to enjoy, and might only just get out in time for number 4 to play with. I feel very guilty about that. However, it is also true that kids can be perfectly happy and well adjusted growing up having only played with pots and spoons. So it is not the worse thing in the world if you son does not have all his toys. It would be less frustrating, but as long as he has something, it's not the end of the world if he doesn't have access to them all.
A couple weeks ago, my one year old was amusing himself by setting a roll of duct tape on it's edge and rolling it across the floor. I felt simultaneously amused and upset.
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