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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 1:10:30 GMT -5
Left to my own impulses I tend to react to the world with a large measure of timidity. Efforts taken are quickly given up if the results aren't immediately as desired. The smallest reactions from others, no matter how innocuous in reality, are magnified and twisted in my mind until I am afraid to do much of anything for fear of the judgments I will receive, even though most of the things I interpret as judgment aren't meant as anything of the sort.
I have confirmation, based on my history, from my doctor that I probably have something on the bipolar spectrum, but not a firm diagnosis as of yet. Until I wean my infant twins, I am stuck continuing to deal with this on my own instead of looking into medications. Which I have been doing, for years, but not effectively or very well, I don't think.
Right now I'm having what I can recognize as a manic period. It was sort of kicked off when I read an article about the bad habits that get passed down in dysfunctional families. Now, I'd always known I am not the most stable or normal person emotionally, and it's sad that I have a bipolar mother and somewhat emotionally distant father, but I'd never really considered my family or history as dysfunctional. All but one of the traits on the list applied to me, though, fit me to a T.
It was this in combination with a conversation my husband and I had that sort of made me realize that although I recognized my habit of letting life happen to me, and waiting for something to come along and fix it for me, a long time ago, I'm still relating to the world that way. I'm also tired of my own tendency to acquiesce to how others want me to do things. At least right *now*, I want to do this the way I have set out in my mind and feel tremendously stubborn towards making it a reality.
My fear is, however, that based on my history, when the manic period is over, all this determination will evaporate completely. In the past I've been afraid to be more bold about explaining what I'd like to achieve because not succeeding will cause others to judge me as a failure. This time I'm recognizing that besides the fact that it hardly matters, it's also probably not even true. I'm going to post about it here not only to be accountable to anyone here who would like to help me with that, but also to help me remember it once the mania goes away. Otherwise I'll forget how I even felt about it.
I've started out with just getting and keeping the kitchen clean. It's done a lot just to generally keep my spirits up. I end up spending a lot of time holed up in the bedroom with the twins, and going downstairs only to find a mess tends to sour my mood pretty quickly.
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Post by messymimi on Sept 12, 2012 6:34:01 GMT -5
Marti, no one here is a failure. Keep trying until you find your path, and while you will get suggestions if you ask for them, we are in your same boat, in no position to judge.
messymimi
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Post by def6 on Sept 12, 2012 8:42:06 GMT -5
Hey @unbearablelightness, You've got your hands full with twins. I hope that you will take good care of yourself, and even get a break when you need it. And if the best choice is formula for the babies so that you can take meds ...then it might be best for them- for you. You are soooo right about others opinions...they don't matter! The only thing that matters is living well. I wish you the best!! |
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Post by urocyon on Sept 12, 2012 9:57:09 GMT -5
The smallest reactions from others, no matter how innocuous in reality, are magnified and twisted in my mind until I am afraid to do much of anything for fear of the judgments I will receive, even though most of the things I interpret as judgment aren't meant as anything of the sort... At least right *now*, I want to do this the way I have set out in my mind and feel tremendously stubborn towards making it a reality... In the past I've been afraid to be more bold about explaining what I'd like to achieve because not succeeding will cause others to judge me as a failure. This time I'm recognizing that besides the fact that it hardly matters, it's also probably not even true. Sorry things have been so rough for you, @unbearablelightness. This post really resonated with me. I fall into some very similar patterns. In my case, at least, a lot of it is coming from my OCD seizing on every little criticism ever, and looping it back at me. (While I do get some external compulsions going, most of it is driving myself crazy inside my own head, which is easier for other people to miss than, say, the compulsive handwashing some of my relatives do: www.steveseay.com/pure-o-ocd-pure-obsessional-ocd/) Combine that with growing up in an environment where you never learned that it was even possible to do emotional regulation, and you can get some serious instability going, to put it mildly.  I spent years being treated for bipolar, which really didn't help, while still living in the same destabilizing dysfunctional environment with unrecognized OCD looping negative things back at me pretty much all the time. But, no matter what the problem turns out to be, one thing that might help immensely: recognizing when you start having these demoralizing and paralyzing critical thoughts popping up, and just going "hello again, stupid brain tricks!  ". And it really is easy to get totally discouraged when these perfectionist fears pop up; if you're expecting loads of crap from everyone, including yourself, why even try?!  That can also help you run out of steam, when you started out determined. The common cognitive therapy approach of countering them with more realistically positive thoughts just leads to knock-down, drag-out fights in my own head, but it works for a lot of people. If I wouldn't stand there and listen to someone else constantly telling me destabilizing crap, why should I have to take it seriously, much less engage, when it's coming from me? Figuring this out has helped me be able to get more things accomplished. It's a slow, ongoing process, but things can get better. Just last night, I caught myself being emotionally surprised at DH suggesting I take today off, to snuggle up with the animals and a good book, because I worked way too hard yesterday. In the back (and sometimes the front) of my mind, I am still afraid he'll think I'm l***, because I can't do paid work right now--and, because squalor. We just had our 8th anniversary (lived together a while before that), and he's never ever said anything like that at all; still, stupid brain tricks based on past experience plus OCD. Just knowing why they keep popping up makes it a lot easier to deal with and recover from without getting depressed and/or frantic trying to deal with the flood of yucky feelings. That also makes it easier for me to deal with setbacks, and keep taking bites off the squalor elephant. Still a long way to go with that too, but baby steps really can work. Wishing you the best.
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Post by joyinvirginia on Sept 12, 2012 12:21:02 GMT -5
Taking care of one baby is a lot of work, taking care of two babies is a tremendous amount of work! Take care of yourself first, and the kitchen, and add anything else gradually.
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Post by zinnia on Sept 12, 2012 14:18:49 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2012 16:44:21 GMT -5
Thank you all for your comments. It helps to know there are others who understand. I'm starting to feel the mania wane already. I couldn't get motivated today and all I did was pop a lasagna in the oven.
I don't want this to get away from me. :/
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Post by midlife on Sept 12, 2012 20:30:13 GMT -5
I think there's a big difference between routine cleaning and heroic cleaning. I hate the routine stuff -- dishes, laundry, litter boxes... it all has to get done over and over and over. I like heroic cleaning, like getting rid of old clothes, or cleaning out the microwave -- stuff that stays done for a long time.
But I've found with the routine stuff, if I REALLY make it routine, like I do it mindlessly at the same time every day, I can keep that going even when I'm really depressed or tired. I think I'm getting there with making the bed. I don't have to feel good or motivated to make it happen, it just happens.
Taking care of babies is hard work! I can't imagine how challenging twins must be! Try to keep your goals alive, but definitely cut yourself some slack when it comes to how quickly you expect progress right now.
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Post by scribbliz on Sept 13, 2012 9:20:02 GMT -5
hey @unbearablelightness: well do i remember what having twins is like! my eldest is almost 6, but then i have twin girls who will turn 4 in a month! i have a cousin who has twin boys, and she barely remembers the first few months she was so exhausted! Please, keep in mind that while everyone says "breastmilk is best", it is far better for them to live on forumla and have a healthy/happy mother! The less stress you are dealing with, the happier your little ones will be! all three of my girls ended up on formula because my body couldn't produce enough milk for them. I remember feeling like a failure. I knew I was a good mom, because I was doing what was best for them, but felt like a failure as a woman because i COULDN"T do what was "really best" for them. There is so much pressure to breast feed, that I think it is hard for a woman to choose not to, and to not feel guilty about it. Talk to your doctor, see what he says about you switching to formula? There may be one he recommends the most. And remember, if you choose to bottle feed, you are NOT a failure. You are taking care of you, so you can take care of them  And please, don't thnk i'm pressuring you to use forumula either  I just want you to take care of you, and to feel healthy and happy |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 13, 2012 11:01:03 GMT -5
But, no matter what the problem turns out to be, one thing that might help immensely:
recognizing when you start having these demoralizing and paralyzing critical thoughts popping up, and just going
"hello again, stupid brain tricks!  ".
say to my convoluted thoughts:
"I hear you.
Stop it.
I hear God." [/blockquote] This is *NOT* intended to be said in an argumentative tone.... But rather ... say it as if you mean the following:"Hello thoughts, I hear you. I acknowledge that you are there and I really hear you.
Therefore, you don't need to continue poking me and prodding me for attention.
However, I am now choosing to redirect my attention and listen to a Higher Wisdom.
Thank you." This really seems to work for me. It calms down all the crazy thoughts that had been clamoring for my attention.It feels empowering because I'm simply redirecting my energy to something I choose -- without getting into an exhausting inner argument with myself.- |
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Post by ramatama on Sept 13, 2012 11:15:30 GMT -5
@unbearablelightness, It has been said before, caring for one infant and keeping house is hard enough, but with two infants it is exponentially harder! Congratulations on getting and keeping the kitchen tidy. KUDOS 2 U!. You obvioulsly noticed it is better for your mood -in general- to come downstairs to a clean kitchen. So you see, you know what helps you, and you are doing something about it. I have a friend in the USA that has a bipolar diagnosis and she told me that the only way she could get the drudgery household tasks done when she was feeling low, was to put on some music really loud ( well not so loud as to harm the kiddies) and dance to it as she cleaned up. Perhaps you could give that a try? When the kids were older ( they were a mere 11 months apart) she would dance, clean, dance, sing as she cleaned and she said her children would sometimes even ask her to put on music when the family room got messy. I love to tell that story, because now she says knows her kids are tidying up their rooms when the music gets loud and she wonders how they will do in college... Above all else, enjoy the babies as much as you can, time flies by so fast...( really!) |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2012 17:34:46 GMT -5
It's really helping to read all your comments. I had more motivation again today and I got the counters wiped off, which I hadn't bothered to do yesterday. The dishes are caught up as well, except for our dinner dishes from tonight.
We are supplementing with formula for the twins, and my supply is diminishing at such a rate that it wouldn't surprise me if we ended up exclusively on bottles by the time they're starting solids. I want to supply as much breastmilk as I can, though.
Now that I'm getting the kitchen under control I feel that I am remembering to take care of myself more consistently. I've been trying to work on consistency with taking my meds and doing physical therapy exercises before now, but making a habit of tidying the kitchen has helped me somehow. I didn't start keeping a chart or anything, so I don't really know what it is. Maybe it's just that my mind is clearer.
I'm close to running out of my arthritis meds though. I need to call the refill in for that.
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