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Post by wtfhappened on May 4, 2010 5:06:05 GMT -5
Hello, everyone. As you can tell by my handle, I have no idea how I have let things get how they are. I am by the scale on the web site here a Stage 3 who thanks god I don't have any pets and is grateful the trash runs once a week so the chicken bones only get slightly moldy before they get thrown out.  I'm sitting here right now not knowing whether I should laugh or cry as I type that sentence; I just threw a plastic container of furry fried chicken bones and scraps into a trash bag (garbage runs in the morning) and realized this is a nearly weekly occurrence and it's not bothered me before and that's just not right.I've always been messy. I grew up in a family of pack rats so the house was always a bit cluttered. When I moved out and went to college I quickly got a girlfriend that I moved into an apartment with and that seemed to put a hold on my tendencies; I was able to help keep the public areas spotless, only our "junk room" was piled with boxes and things. I went through a few relationships over the next decade; any period I was alone I would start piling up the crap around me until someone would decide to move in and each time I was able to clean up and keep things presentable with only a single junk room for the clutter. I think a key to that (and the source of my post title) is that every time I've moved I've probably gotten rid of a quarter to a third of what I had in the form of piles of magazines I'm saving or boxes "I'll find a use for" or what have you because I couldn't afford to move them. Moving every 3 years or so was what enabled me to never accumulate that much junk. I met the woman who'd become my wife about 18 years ago and while madly in love, we decided to keep our separate apartments. (We continue to have separate homes and have done so the entire time of our dating and marriage, it works for us and has nothing to do with clutter or mess. My wife is able to keep a beautiful home with only a single room as a junk room.) The apartment I lived in at the time began getting messy and piles of stuff began to appear. I always excused it as "well, it's an apartment, as soon as I get a house things will change." My last apartment I moved into about the time my wife and I got married, and our son moved in with me because of behavior issues; he lived with me his last 2 years of high school and all of college. While he was there we lived in a Stage 1 situation except for my junk room. Finally I bought and moved into my house about 6 years ago. Our son lived with me the last 3 years of college here, and moved out into his own apartment about 3 years ago. We were once again Stage 1's while he was here, and I had all these plans about what I was going to do with the house after he moved out, painting, decorating, etc. Now 3 years have gone by, and what happened?! I've known for about 2 years that I was embarrassed to have anyone visit, and fortunately for my relationship my wife is more comfortable at her house so we always spend our time together at her place. I also stopped inviting my family and friends over about that time and would only go to their houses. I started watching shows like Hoarders about 6 or 7 months ago, and it inspired me to do a little cleaning here and there and to constantly think about straightening up what I was feeling was just a little clutter. Then a couple of weeks ago my wife visited my house for the first time in a year. She didn't say anything at the time but a couple days later asked if we could talk. We sat down and had a long talk about the house, she told me she had come over because our son had come to her and asked her if she thought I'd let him take off a week from his job to come and help me clean the house. This absolutely floored me. I was nothing like those people on the TV shows, and I'd prove it to them. I took my camera, walked around the house and took pictures of every room to show my wife and son what the clutter was and why it was there. Then I printed out the pictures and laid them out on my sofa (my table is piled with stuff, naturally  ). I took a long look at rooms I could not recognize and realized that I am those people on TV.So, here I am now. I've started working in the house this last week but it's so hard. I've spent hours and have thrown out a half dozen garbage bags and still can just barely tell the difference (I'm sure my wife would not notice). Is it possible to do this and is it possible to keep from backsliding into it again? I'm so afraid I'll get it clean and then one day turn around to find myself saying WTF happened all over again. Thanks for letting me get all that out. This is the first time I've ever sat and thought about the last 20 years and how just by shear luck this has only exploded on me the last couple of years. I'm 45 and I don't want to be living this way or worse when I'm 50; or worse continue to embarrass and upset my wife and son because of it. Thanks for your ears! |
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Post by _Linda_ on May 4, 2010 6:13:32 GMT -5
Hi wtfhappened. We all wonder the same thing- how and why did I let this happen? As one of the other members explained it to me, we are wired to be like this. That is not meant to sound depressing and defeatist. It simply means that we all will have to concentrate harder on accomplishing and maintaining a clean home. My house will never be immaculate, but I want it so that I can be safe and have company over. My suggest would be, if you haven't already done so, check out the photos section to see that you are not alone in this problem. Also, check out Listzilla, there are wonderful daily threads. If you are like me, I need to feel accountable to someone for what I do and don't do. So you will see that I post a lot on the accountability thread. Chat is also a great help with the challenges that we do. I hope that you will find this site as supportive and encouraging as I have. Welcome to your new path to a cleaner home.  |
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Post by momof3boys on May 4, 2010 6:17:21 GMT -5
Welcome wtfhappened. We're happy to have you here. Sometimes I want to know how my apartment got so cluttered too. Just keep plugging away at it.
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Post by dtesposito on May 4, 2010 7:46:07 GMT -5
Hey wtf, it sounds like you have reached a point where you're ready to work on the problem, and you've found the right place to do it! If you read (and read, and read--sometimes the truisms take some time to sink in)) and post, and use the threads in Listzilla, you can make progress.
It's true that there's something in our personalities that steers us towards acting a certain way, but that doesn't mean you can't develop habits that counteract your first tendencies.
Glad to have you here!
Diane
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Post by jkai3 on May 4, 2010 8:03:36 GMT -5
 Dear One WTFHappened! So glad that you found us! All of us have our own issues w/clutter...  You will find Dear Ones here that are at many different levels, 1-4, and some have achieved maintinence level. No matter what level you may be in at the time you will always find understanding, hope,courage, support, & humor, and no judgments here!  Please take your time to explore & read post throughout this wonderful site. We have many wonderful tools that will help you on your journey!   Jkai3 
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on May 4, 2010 10:07:39 GMT -5
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Welcome from Lioness!
I can very much relate to your story!
I'm only a few years older than you and have had a very similar life (except that I had no children), and my long-term boyfriends loved me but were unable to marry me due to my chaos.
I'm the reverse of the stereotype. I'm the squalorous woman who tends to be attracted to neat men.
They would live with me long-term, and even though we kept the public rooms at level one, it was terribly difficult for me to do; and they were always picking up after me. Eventually, the relationship would end.
My home is cleaner when I've living with boyfriends or roommates or groups of friend. (with all the junk pushed into one room).
And my home is a disaster when I live alone. Third degree squalor. (And I even hovered into 4th degree at times).
For the past five years, I've been in zero relationships, and just lived alone with my pets. And I've devoted this time to "recovery" -- as in changing my bad habits.
I began with working on my financial chaos first., and then, later on, I found Squalor Survivors.
Between the two sites (Squalor Survivors and Stepping Out of Squalor) ... I've been working on this squalor/hoarding issue for the past four years. For the first few years, I just read the forums every day -- trying to absorb the concepts, but not ready to make any changes.
I spent most of my "active" energy intensely working on my financial transformation. And, as a result, have now successfully now recovered from a lifetime of financial horrors.
In the past year, I have just begun to work on my squalor. But it's been immensely helped by the fact that I'd been reading these desqualoring forums for years, and began understood the underlying issues.
Yes, I could not "see" the mess. One of my ex-boyfriends used to say I was "ambivilous" (He coined a word to combine ambivalent and oblivious). He meant that I was oblivious to the chaos I was creating, and if someone pointed it out, I was ambivalent about cleaning it up. In other words, I "didn't know and didn't care".
When I began reading at the desqualoring websites, I decided remembered what he had said. I realized that it was true. I could not "SEE" the mess. And when it was pointed out, it seemed irrelevant. So I began to read the forums and learn how others trained themselves to SEE and CARE. I wanted to change my brain, and how I regarded my home.
And that has helped me enormously. I am finally BOTHERED by the squalor I created. It never used to bother me. And reading here has inspired me to take steps to change.
I've had lots of relapses, but I recover faster each time. And each time I clean it up, I'm more motivated to MAINTAIN my gains.
Welcome to you!
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Post by messymimi on May 4, 2010 12:32:26 GMT -5
Welcome  !
When given the choice to laugh or cry, laugh. Especially here, laugh because you have recognized that you need to do something, and so now you can.
#wtg# on getting those bags out. No, it doesn't look like progress yet, but it will. The person who has 100 pounds to lose, and the person with 10, who both lose 5 pounds, have done the same amount of work. It may not show yet with the former, but the change has begun, and it will show.
Eat the elephant one bite at a time, and keep pitching those chicken bones.
You can do this.
It's good to have you here.
messymimi
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Post by wtfhappened on May 4, 2010 17:02:08 GMT -5
Thanks for the greetings, everyone! The Squalor Survivors site and this forum have been a great help so far, as an eye opener at the very least It's so wonderful to meet others who have been there and understand what it's like to have to agonize over so many decisions about so much.... junk. linnie - the photo and story sections have been a great help, and I've been reading random threads in the different sections here and trying to absorb and get a feel for what others have done to help themselves. I've already taken the BBG (? BMG?) advice to heart of just pick up one or two things to take with you or to do when you are going from one room to another. mom - thanks for the welcome! diane - I'm reading, reading, reading But now I'm starting to get the guilt of feeling that's all I'm doing and not getting any "real work" done jkai3 - for once, I'm actually looking forward to the journey and not just focusing on what feels like an unachievable end result. lioness - I like "ambivilous" it's a perfect description. I'm glad that I'm *finally* at the BOTHERED stage, I truly can't remember ever really feeling that way before. mimi - I'm in WW and fighting with constantly yoyo-ing so I understand the weight analogy on a personal level, too. Eating the elephant one bite at a time has meaning for me on several levels Gotta run to work now; I'm a nurse where I'm ironically known as a clean/order freak on the unit I work on... go figure.... /wtf |
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Post by dtesposito on May 5, 2010 12:19:00 GMT -5
now I'm starting to get the guilt of feeling that's all I'm doing and not getting any "real work" done Actually, the "real" work starts in your mind, as you absorb the truths that you will need to get the physical work done. Someone could come in for you and clean your place perfectly, but unless the mental work is done it will quickly get right back to where it started. It IS possible to spend too much time reading on the site and not doing the physical work, but when you're new, it's so great to find other people who understand and who are going through the same thing that it's natural to want to spend a lot of time reading what others have to say. And when you feel guilty about not actually cleaning, go to Listzilla and commit to doing something! We will all keep track of your progress so you will then feel compelled to act. Diane |
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Post by success19 on May 20, 2010 0:39:15 GMT -5
Congrats on taking the pictures - its amazing how pictures show a mess and we can't see it.
Just begin with one stack of papers and begin to toss away.
Welcome.
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