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Post by dayeanu on Mar 1, 2011 17:03:52 GMT -5
Back in late December I came back to SooS - desperate as usual. I keep hoping to find something that will motivate me to shovel out and keep going. As usual, I read a lot of good posts here.
One that really stuck with me was about abstinance from making messes.
***It should have read "abstinence from neglecting messes."***
During our "big" snowstorm here in January, I got really motivated - sort of like a "nesting" instinct, and started cleaning and cooking. I did more cleaning in two or three days than I'd done in a year. Fueled in large part by "abstinence from making messes."
The abstinence from making messes is still rattling around in my head on a daily basis. It makes a tiny difference here and there. I pick up a piece of paper, or carry a dish to the sink, that I would not have otherwise.
Yesterday I was reading a Flylady email, and one was - I think - by Pam of Sidetracked Home Executives. It was a testimonial about her book, The Mouth Trap - about losing weight. (I want to give due credit.)
To make this shorter- she said something to the effect that our "sub-decisions" are what do us in. By that, she means that we make a decision to do something - in my case, clean up my house. It's a good decision. I'm very serious about it. But then I don't make the necessary sub-decisions, such as the decision to wash dishes every day, or to carry out the trash. My big decision to clean up is good, but I slack on my sub-decisions of how to do it.
To me this is directly linked to my desire to abstain from making messes. I understand that I need to abstain, much like an alcoholic needs to abstain from that first drink. But I break down and need to make that sub-decision that right now, this time, I am going to abstain from making *this* particular mess, right here, right now.
I thought it was an interesting thought. I hope this makes sense to someone.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 1, 2011 17:59:32 GMT -5
Wow! Thanks for posting these thoughts!
I will add them to my own existing process. You make a lot of sense!
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 1, 2011 18:22:33 GMT -5
Wasn't the "abstinence from making messes" your brain child? Could you find that link and re-post it here? I really think it was so powerful, but my mind's too scattered today to concentrate on searching for it. I'd love to re-read it.
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Post by eagle on Mar 1, 2011 18:29:27 GMT -5
It absolutely makes sense.
It's one of the underlying principles of goal writing. It's fine to make a long-term goal, but it's the tiny little steps that get you there that you have to identify, in order to attain that long-term goal.
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 1, 2011 18:39:55 GMT -5
And it's those tiny little steps that I don't take, little decisions, one at a time, that sink me.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 1, 2011 18:42:30 GMT -5
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 1, 2011 18:43:59 GMT -5
Thanks, Lioness. I don't know how you do it!
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 1, 2011 18:53:43 GMT -5
How I do it? I bookmark all the threads that I refer back to frequently, but NOT in my browser (NOT in internetexplorer, firefox, chrome, or safari). I use the bookmarking feature that is inside the forums, that works on ANY computer anywhere. This lets a member save threads that he/she can refer back to at any time --- even if he/she gets a different computer, or even if doesn't own any computer at all and is just using the one at the library. It's explained here: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/10223
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Post by journeyhome on Mar 1, 2011 18:58:02 GMT -5
It makes absolute sense to me. Seems connected to the notion of "I'll do it later." I'm getting better at doing it now on little things.
David Allen in his book Get It Done has a decision tree and one thing he stresses is if something will take two minutes or less do it now. The book is geared toward executives in a business situation but much of it can be applied toward home care as well.
So when I bring the mail in, even if I haven't stopped at the mailbox in several days to collect it I can usually go through it in two minutes and divide it in to two categories - toss and keep. If I then toss or at least get junk into the shred stack that's done with. Then the keep batch can be opened and dealt with either completely or get it to the bills to be paid or something just to file stacks.
My dishes and cutlery tend to make it all the way into the dishwasher when I'm done eating and when the machine is full I either run it then or set it for a delayed start.
I use the last couple of slices of bread to make toast and the wrapper goes into the garbage can. It's now full and can be pulled and taken to the back door while the bread toasts. When I go out the door an hour later to go to the garage and feed the feral cats I take the bag of garbage with me and put it into the truck so that the next time I go down the road past the dumpsters I can toss it.
I've become much more vigilant about putting things away when I am done using them - finished with the screwdriver, carry it back to the little house toolbox and put it back, don't just set it down where I was working. It's still not a perfect habit, I often start to leave something, get a step or two away and remember that I'm supposed to put it away now, not leave it for LATER.
I hope that with practice it will require no more conscious thought on my part than breathing does now. years ago I trained myself to put the lid down on the toilet to keep the dogs from drinking from it. Now I do it with any one that I use - at work, at the homes of friends, in restaurants, etc without thinking about it at all.
I'm finally starting to remember that the backs of chairs, the bottom post of the banister and other assorted locations are not where coats, jackets, sweatshirts and such belong. They have a home and about half the time they get put there.
Learning to abstain from making messes is an ongoing process - retraining my brain, creating new patterns of behavior, greater awareness of my environment.
Mindfulness rather ignorance is becoming a pleasure.
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 1, 2011 20:39:02 GMT -5
How I do it? I bookmark all the threads that I refer back to frequently, but not in my browser (not in internetexplorer, firefox, or safari). I use the bookmarking feature that is inside the forums, that works on ANY computer anywhere. This lets a member save threads that he/she can refer back to at any time --- even if he/she gets a different computer, or even if doesn't own any computer at all and is just using the one at the library. It's explained here: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=questions&action=display&thread=10223- Again, thank you! I was oblivious of that feature. Such a bonus that it's site-specific, not computer-specific!
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 1, 2011 21:08:37 GMT -5
It makes absolute sense to me. Seems connected to the notion of "I'll do it later." I'm getting better at doing it now on little things. David Allen in his book Get It Done has a decision tree and one thing he stresses is if something will take two minutes or less do it now. The book is geared toward executives in a business situation but much of it can be applied toward home care as well. So when I bring the mail in, even if I haven't stopped at the mailbox in several days to collect it I can usually go through it in two minutes and divide it in to two categories - toss and keep. If I then toss or at least get junk into the shred stack that's done with. Then the keep batch can be opened and dealt with either completely or get it to the bills to be paid or something just to file stacks. My dishes and cutlery tend to make it all the way into the dishwasher when I'm done eating and when the machine is full I either run it then or set it for a delayed start. I use the last couple of slices of bread to make toast and the wrapper goes into the garbage can. It's now full and can be pulled and taken to the back door while the bread toasts. When I go out the door an hour later to go to the garage and feed the feral cats I take the bag of garbage with me and put it into the truck so that the next time I go down the road past the dumpsters I can toss it. I've become much more vigilant about putting things away when I am done using them - finished with the screwdriver, carry it back to the little house toolbox and put it back, don't just set it down where I was working. It's still not a perfect habit, I often start to leave something, get a step or two away and remember that I'm supposed to put it away now, not leave it for LATER. I hope that with practice it will require no more conscious thought on my part than breathing does now. years ago I trained myself to put the lid down on the toilet to keep the dogs from drinking from it. Now I do it with any one that I use - at work, at the homes of friends, in restaurants, etc without thinking about it at all. I'm finally starting to remember that the backs of chairs, the bottom post of the banister and other assorted locations are not where coats, jackets, sweatshirts and such belong. They have a home and about half the time they get put there. Learning to abstain from making messes is an ongoing process - retraining my brain, creating new patterns of behavior, greater awareness of my environment. Mindfulness rather ignorance is becoming a pleasure. I have a real problem with mindfulness. I am sometimes completely unaware of what I am doing. We had a thread about this a couple of years ago. I'm the one who takes my bra off and can never find it the next morning - because I'm unaware of where in the house I take it off. (I live alone). When I work outside, I am really bad about setting my mug down on top of a fence post, or hanging it on the nearest handy tree limb - and then I never find it again! I must have a grove of trees adorned with coffee mugs! But seriously, if I made the little decisions to deal with things as I come across them, I'd make real progress.
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Post by gggal on Mar 1, 2011 23:18:40 GMT -5
This is a great thread and so true! I think it definitely helps to give everything in your house a home so if something is out of place, you always know the exact spot it goes back to. I used to lose my work ID every single day...i could never find it in the morning, my purse was a mess, I would lose it in my purse....I had to stop at the security desk every morning for them to print me a temp id, they would shake their heads in annoyance, it was so humiliating. Then one day my coworker said, "why dont you just put it in the same place every day?" So simple common sense, but it's like a light bulb went off in my head...from that day on, I put it in the same pocket of my wallet. The magentic strip is strong enough where i dont even need to take it out of my wallet...i just hold my whole wallet to the gate and it beeps and opens...even if i need to take it out, it goes right back to its spot. i havent had to stop at the security desk in like 3 years!!
It's funny b/c if you do things enough, you really will develop a habit. Sometimes I go looking for a bra I took off or where I put my cell phone, and...it's already in its resting spot where i put it just minutes before...WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT OR REMEMBERING I DID!! I guess I am preoccupied thinking about something else when I put it away but the cool thing is that I put things in their spots now without even making a conscious effort to do so. (But first I had to develop a system where everything goes and think about it...now it's just natural.)
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 2, 2011 1:13:23 GMT -5
This is a great thread and so true! I think it definitely helps to give everything in your house a home so if something is out of place, you always know the exact spot it goes back to. I used to lose my work ID every single day...i could never find it in the morning, my purse was a mess, I would lose it in my purse....I had to stop at the security desk every morning for them to print me a temp id, they would shake their heads in annoyance, it was so humiliating. Then one day my coworker said, "why dont you just put it in the same place every day?" So simple common sense, but it's like a light bulb went off in my head...from that day on, I put it in the same pocket of my wallet. The magentic strip is strong enough where i dont even need to take it out of my wallet...i just hold my whole wallet to the gate and it beeps and opens...even if i need to take it out, it goes right back to its spot. i havent had to stop at the security desk in like 3 years!! It's funny b/c if you do things enough, you really will develop a habit. Sometimes I go looking for a bra I took off or where I put my cell phone, and...it's already in its resting spot where i put it just minutes before...WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT OR REMEMBERING I DID!! I guess I am preoccupied thinking about something else when I put it away but the cool thing is that I put things in their spots now without even making a conscious effort to do so. (But first I had to develop a system where everything goes and think about it...now it's just natural.) I love your post. it's just such a daunting task to think about making a placement everything, when my house looks like a tornado hit it. I did train myself to put my keys and eyeglasses in specific locations after way too many mishaps - but it took me months to make it a habit. Right now I can't get to the location where my keys are supposed to rest. Because of that, I think I am more mindful of where I am putting them. But I fear if I don't make access to their basket, I'll digress to constantly losing them again. I wonder if I was on meds or some kind of treatment for ADHD, if it would make a difference? I'm really considering medical intervention. I already tried to find a therapist who specializes in hoarding issues, but can't find anyone within 75 miles of me.
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Post by journeyhome on Mar 2, 2011 7:51:58 GMT -5
[quote author=dayeanu board=general thread=13820 post=198182 time=1299022795]And it's those tiny little steps that I don't take, little decisions, one at a time, that sink me. [/quote]
What has made all the difference for me is Listzilla, AP in particular.
To list each of the tiny steps that I will try to accomplish - something as basic as getting dressed to shoes (or in my case work boots). Being retired I can find that the sun is going down and I never did get out of my pj's, just frittered away the day and got little or nothing done.
Some days I might list far more than I know can be done in a single day but I want or need the option to pick and chose from a variety of tasks. Other times I may only have a couple of things that I feel ready to concentrate on.
What matters is that I make the decision to focus on doing this or that small thing that move me forward toward my vision of what I want my home and life to be.
Writing down those goals each day provides me with an outline, a guide that I can refer back to and it helps me stay on track. No longer is there just a vague notion of "I've got to clean this place up", I can now ask "What's next?" (a concept/line stolen from The West Wing TV show).
There has been a gradual, subtle change in my thinking and behavior. Now when I notice some area that needs work before I can say it's at maintenance level I realize that I think - I'll get to it, a very different notion than I'll do it later. Right now I'm focused on some other task that has a higher priority or is the first step that has to be taken.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Mar 2, 2011 16:09:06 GMT -5
[quote author=gggal board=general thread=13820 post=198227 time=1299039520...I wonder if I was on meds or some kind of treatment for ADHD, if it would make a difference? I'm really considering medical intervention.... YES. I've been treated for ADHD for almost 2 years, and my meds help considerably. They improve my "working memory"--the ability to remember information 5--10 minutes later. I could usually remember compelling information, but not anything else. They also improve my ability to determine salience--the ability to recognize which item/information/etc is more important. I didn't even know there was a word for "salience" until I searched for a word that described what was going on in my head. A few days after I started taking meds, I was preparing to leave for work, when I realized that I'd come downstairs without taking my meds. I also needed to take my checkbook to work, and needed to find my keys. As I turned to go upstairs for my meds, I noticed some "pet mess" on the floor. Before I started taking meds, I would never have remembered to take care of those 4 tasks. I would have had to choose which was the most compelling, and resigned myself to forgetting the rest. But that day, I simply remembered all of them!
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