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Post by mellbutler on May 24, 2011 3:00:04 GMT -5
Hi there, lifelong messy here
after the worst ever mess in my home I was finially motivated to change our home life. It was prob a mid level 3. I vowed to myself that I would never let if get that bad again. Well after getiing everything cleaned up and visitable, I actually maintained it about 6 months. Then depression from 3 deaths in 6 months hit me. And booommm! I tried to keep the family halping but without me being the cheerleader it feel apart. So it feel back to a mid level 2 to low 3, untill this last Christams did a presentable job. You know the ones, hid the mess. I have had a really hard time getting over that I vowed I would never let it happen again and it did. If I try now will I just fail again? I just feel like I am cocooning myself from my house and responsibilites. Not sure if I can get "it" back or even how I managed to get "it" after a lifetime of messy. I don't remeber how I did it or the mind set I put myself in but SS gave me a few memories of thinhs I had figured out. I feel so much guilt for what this does to my kids. Am I a bad Mom, or just a sick Mom, oh btw I have chronic fatigue syndrome. Or lack neccessary skills or do I just not care? No I do care but have been saying I don't becasue I didn't know what else to say/do.
Well I just can't keep vegging out and ignoring the problem...it only makes me feel worse. That is one thing I do remember from my clean time was that I felt good about anything positive I did for the household becasue it was just another step away from messy.
The other day I have started on my laundry room which is really just a pantry and closet now. SO I hope to continue there before moving on...
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Post by TML on May 24, 2011 7:05:03 GMT -5
You can do it!!! I have not managed to get out of my mess yet (going slow) but one thing I realized as I work on this is that I need to get rid of more stuff.
I was taking a class about clutter. She said for a family of two you should have 4 plates, 4 soup bowls, 2 skillets, etc.... So that you have to keep it clean to keep having plates and stuff to eat on but there is not so much that even if it were all dirty it would take long to clean it up. Mine is not like that. I have over 28 dinner plates not counting the company good plates, 8 skillets, and you can imagine all the rest.
So if I got in a funk and did not clean, her way I would have an hour or two of dish washing. About one dishwasher full maybe a little over but not much. In the mean time we would have to be eating on paper plates or I would have to wash something. The way I live I can go for months without washing a dish and still have dishes and etc but when everything ends up dirty it is a nightmare.
It is the same way with clothes and etc. I can go for quite a while without doing laundry and still have clean clothes but would end up with Mt. Wash Me. Also, this goes for other stuff. I can wedge it all in (just about) but if I get it all out it would take forever to get it back in. She said the closet should be 3/4 full (not wedged tight).
From what she said my cycle is too long and it cuts both ways. I have so much stuff that I can go for a long time without cleaning it or etc before I run out (dishes, clothes, etc) but on the other edge of the cycle it takes longer to clean it all back up.
The cycle was represented by a circle diagram with two curved arrows and the one on top was shorter. The top arrow was how long you can go before not cleaning impacts you and the bottom (longer arrow) is how long it takes to clean it up. (always takes longer to clean than use). I am working on keeping my stuff load where my cycle runs for a day or two (dishes) or at the most two weeks (clothes).
So you can do it!!!! I would just look for ways to make maintance easier once you get there.
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Post by sloppyjojo on May 24, 2011 10:46:20 GMT -5
I have found that each time I dig myself out, it gets easier, faster, and I can get rid of more. Keeping house is a skill that needs to be practiced for me. You were able to maintain for 6 mos! That means you have the skills, and you were derailed by some really truly traumatic events.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Start from now, and don't beat yourself up about what you didn't do. One day at a time, you can get it back.
JoJo
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Post by mellbutler on May 24, 2011 17:39:06 GMT -5
Thanks for the support! I find myself in an never ending cycle
I have chronic fatigue syndrome & depression
so am I triedd this day becasue of my illness of am I depressed or just don't want to do it? Then the longer I ignore it the more anxious, depressed and gult I feel. It's hard to sort out the initial starting. I have found once I do get going I feel better and then it begings to grow. I think that's how I did it last year...and the good thing is it's not as bad as it was last year. I am focusing on small areas...shelfs, counters etc. to clean to keep it quick and see progress. Because if I start too big I get tired and have to take a nap and then the kids wteck it before I get back to it. That seems to be a biggie for me, becasue that is how I worked before I had kids...pull everything out, orgainized, and put back, but I could leave it and come back to it. Can't do that now. SO I have to work a little different.
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Post by mellbutler on May 24, 2011 17:45:37 GMT -5
I have begun to see over the years as money has gotten tighter...may holding on to things had increased. My mind set to keep things is money related.
Like I better put this up so I don't have to buy it again...that would be wastfull.
I have even been picking through to pull out hair bands, tacks, screws, etc. Is that normal? I just can't stand to see it throw out if it is still fine. oh broken crayons is another. I save them..now granted I have in the past melted them to make recycled crayons. Should I just toss everything this one time. But once I am maiting I can put those things back right away for reuse?
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Post by TML on May 24, 2011 18:54:40 GMT -5
You should read lioness's message on amnesty. I will paraphrase but her's is better. Basically, our lives and those of our loved ones are the most important. Stuff is just stuff. To save our lives we have amnesty. Toss it or give it away with out guilt.
If you are drowning in a river or in a sinking boat you take off what ever is holding you down or weighing down the boat to lighten the load. No remorse or regrets. You are saving your life and is any piece of stuff worth more than that. Once you make it to shore (maintance) you can choose to recycle again or pick up extra pieces as long as it does not get you back into drowning.
You mention chronic fatigue. If you also have pain that you think might be fibromyalgia you might want to get a Vitamin D check when you see your Dr next. I thought I had fibro and chronic fatigue and my Vit D levels were so low they were not only not normal they were barely measurable. The Dr. put me on high dose Vit D for 8 weeks (prescription). After two doses I could tell a difference. After 6 doses I was pretty much back to normal. No more pain and I had my bounce back. Depression is also a symptom of Vit D deficiency. It may not be Vit D deficiency but it is very easy to check and treat.
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Post by TML on May 24, 2011 19:06:28 GMT -5
Mell,
If you are at a total loss of what to do. I suggest reading the messages on the throw dice (essentially you toss the dice and do which ever item comes up) and only work for a short period of time with a timer.
I will go see if I can find the dice link and then will post it.
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Post by TML on May 24, 2011 19:11:40 GMT -5
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Post by TML on May 24, 2011 19:15:30 GMT -5
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Post by mellbutler on May 24, 2011 21:29:39 GMT -5
thanks for the feedback.
my majot depression from the deaths is over but my dythymia is always an issue. but is under control.
i am seeing a dr who specializes in treating cfs and fibro. i'm in the middle of some testing now...adreanals, progesterone, kreb cycle, test, cbc, white blood count, thyroid, vit d and other stuff i have no idea what it is.
It's a good time for me to explain how I have ended up here...I was always messy as a kid and my mom cleaned for me and never made me do it. So not having very good modeling on how to go about cleaning on a daily basis was missed. Hubby is like me and came from a similar family. When we were on own own our place would go through good and bad patches but mainly just clothes and dishes.
When we moved to our current house, I found out 3 days after moving in that I was pregnant and within another week began vomiting multiple times a day. We lived in boxes for a good yr or two. So I never really got to purge some things as we moved in a get things just so. Then throw 2 kids 3 ys apart. My pregnancies were like the stomach flu for 5-6 mo. No joke!!! Well needless to say I was unable to do anything then, lucky to get to the bathroom and get myself water. And the mess grew. Well over the years we have cycled in and out of clean with the clean only lasting a few months. My hubby works 70 hrs a week as a truck drivier and often makes dinner so I don't expect a lot from him but I just wish in those monets of weakness for me he could take over a bit, instead it falls apart. Now there is so much kids toys and clothes to go through...and not enough energy to do it all fast enough. I hust have to make sure I make progress each day. I have often explained it to others that is is like an alcholic who falls off the wagon...if you think about it I experienced a lot of the same feelings as someone who relapsed. I wounder if like alcoholism is multifacited and many things feeding into so the same with a messy. You wouldn't tell an alcholoc to "just stop drinking" then why do people say "just clean up". Ate they the same thing just a differnt media of self abuse.
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Post by sloppyjojo on May 25, 2011 0:03:30 GMT -5
You poor thing! So sorry to hear about your tough pregnancies. Yuk. How old are your little ones. I must say that I know my expectations of myself were too high when my kids were babies. They really require so much care that if you have any type of health issue, your house will fall apart. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I have been where you are in the massive clean to massive squalor cycle.
My perspective is this - nothing, especially the house, is ever "done." Once I stopped striving for "done" things got a lot better. With a family of four, you are never done. Before I had kids, that was the way I operated. I would clean, and be "done" and then do other stuff until it got bad again. I can't function that way with a family.
Things did not get better for me until three things happened ... (1) I stopped trying to be "done" (2) I started pretending I was in maintenance, and (3) my youngest grew out of toddlerhood. Most days, keeping up with a toddler, the dishes, a load or maybe two of laundry, and feeding the family is all I could do (at most). I couldn't get to the clutter, but I could chip away at the maintenance essentials.
So my suggestion is this ... work on what is most important every day ... healthy food, clean clothes, and a clean place to eat. When you have time or energy to do more, then go ahead, as long as you cover these bases. This doesn't mean you kill yourself doing all the laundry until you are exhausted. If you do one or two loads a day, eventually you will catch up. Same with the dishes. Clean all the dishes you use today, and throw in a few extra from the back log if you have time, energy, or space in the dishwasher (if you have one). At least you're not getting further behind. This, in and of itself, is truly motivating.
If clutter is really, really bothering you, give yourself permission to box up some stuff to get it out of sight and make your space safer/cleaner for your kiddos. You will feel much more able to attack it, once your daily stuff is rolling.
Please be kind to yourself, and I hope this helps.
JoJo
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Post by mellbutler on May 25, 2011 4:12:45 GMT -5
JoJo-thanks for the reply. My kiddos are 8 and 5 now. That's pretty much the level I have been at for a while, just focus on the basics but I seem to be recovering enough from depression to start to take on more. And hopefully dr. can help me get some more life back. I used to be so sctive and healthy and turned into someone who is constantly dragged down. You know how after the flu you are not quite yourself but can function, that's pretty much how I am all the time...just a constant drain. Dr. suspects an undetected infection going on in me somewhere....I have had elevated white count for at least 2-3 yrs.
Well the kids put away a load od towels for me and I hung another load in the family closet. Our family closet is actually our old laundry room and moved the laundry rm to the garage. It works pretty well. Much less travel for clothes to go though.
I took some pics earlier and will post hopefully at some time.
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Post by mellbutler on May 25, 2011 5:05:39 GMT -5
ok here it goes....my confession
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Post by mellbutler on May 25, 2011 5:06:46 GMT -5
my bedroom
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Post by mellbutler on May 25, 2011 5:07:59 GMT -5
ok here is it hopefully
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