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Post by rededen on Feb 13, 2012 19:20:03 GMT -5
PS: I believe that the pleasure of shopping is hard-wired into us from our hunting-gathering days. Oh dear, Auntie Script, I HATE shopping. Does that mean I would not have been a good hunter/gatherer?
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 13, 2012 19:44:23 GMT -5
First of all I am going to borrow from Scripts' idea of fancy home magazines as house porn. Something that helped me: I have never been a big spender, and I am definitely NOT someone who enjoys stores. I do enjoy on-line shopping, and I use a RULE that I developed when we were DESPERATELY short of money [DH unemployed for many years.] Back then [pre-internet days!] I told myself that I could go into stores, look, touch, think. And that I could buy ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING that I really liked. But....I had to wait for 24 hours. If I still wanted The Thing the next day, I was free to buy it. Regardless of cost. Now...........in hindsight, I realize that almost ALL shopping for me is IMPULSE shopping. I rarely go into stores with A PLAN. I go into a store when I feel low, tired, sick, worried, whatever, and I want A TREAT to make me feel 'better'. So by giving myself the 24 hour Cooling Off period, most of the time the negative emotion had passed. Yes sometimes, I woke up and still felt that I wanted The Thing. So I went ahead and bought it. No guilt. No remorse. This method was soooooooooooo successful for me, you would be amazed. Good luck to all who struggle with this. PS: I believe that the pleasure of shopping is hard-wired into us from our hunting-gathering days. I am pretty sure my shopping is all impulse shopping, too. That said, when I am shopping on line, the impulse doesn't go away until after I have bought it, or won the auction in the case of eBay. Usually I don't have spender's remorse until one day when I need something and wish I had saved the money for new tires, or the taxes, or something infinitely more necessary but less fun. THE SINGLE BIGGEST EYE-OPENER for me was my little box of nail polish. Now, often, my nails are too short to polish, or my cuticles are so ragged and "pulled" and "picked" that polishing my nails would be painful. But on the occasions when my nails and cuticles are in good shape, I love to polish my nails. I also occasionally get OC about having one of every color nail polish. (At times like that, I really think I'm OCD.) So one day I was getting organized and I put all my nail polish in one place, in a small shoe box. Seeing the collection all together, it dawned on me how much money that represented - maybe $300 worth of NAIL POLISH!!!!!! NAIL POLISH!!!! Something that will dry out, get thick, the color will go out of style, and I can't even use it much of the time!!! I could have had a nice piece of jewelry for $300!!!!!! Or here's a shocking thought - I could have just put it back for a rainy day. But no! I have it invested in a little shoebox full of nail polish! I try to keep a mental image of that shoe box in my mind for when I'm shopping, and it does help to make me more conscious - but it doesn't always work.
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 13, 2012 19:50:56 GMT -5
PS: I believe that the pleasure of shopping is hard-wired into us from our hunting-gathering days. Oh dear, Auntie Script, I HATE shopping. Does that mean I would not have been a good hunter/gatherer? Rededen, your people were the more recently evolved - you were the farmers!
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Post by messymimi on Feb 13, 2012 20:01:14 GMT -5
No pouncing allowed here, you know that, my friend!
Hugs are allowed, and understanding, and help.
So, what do i do?
Well, i get online, put the stuff i want on a wishlist or virtual shopping cart, and make myself wait 3 days.
Usually, by that time, i don't want it, have forgotten it, or can't even remember the website where i saw it!
If that won't work for you,, could you and your husband get rid of your credit and debit cards and go to a cash only basis, with him paying bills online if needed?
messymimi
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Post by hiding on Feb 13, 2012 21:06:48 GMT -5
Thank you for all your great ideas. Please keep them coming. Thanks Lion for directing me to the acquisition thread. I will post there if I "slip".
What's remarkable to me, anyway, is that the clothes shopping online or actually clothes shopping at all is quite new. I went for many, many years buying only a couple of pairs of jeans and a few t-shirts during the year. I didn't give much attention to clothes, period. Then sometime last year, I stopped going to yard sales and started buying clothes online.
I have a real cognitive dissonance situation going on here! On the one hand I am an environmentalist who has never cared much about clothes or other material objects. Yet I've been buying all these clothes in the past few months and I have a house full of stuff.
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Post by womble on Feb 13, 2012 21:15:24 GMT -5
Hiding thanks for starting the thread, peoples replies have helped me too The thing that has stayed with me the most as a reminder was years ago we were in an antiques shop, DD was sat quiet reading an old comic book annual she found and asked could she have it, I looked at the price and said I could get it cheaper on ebay. Instead of just buying her one though I bought every year that was released and then started buying different ones and put them all away for Christmas, there must have been 30. On opening them Christmas morning she just looked at me sadly and said, but Mum I only wanted one. I got rid of all means of credit a year ago now. Scary at first, but I'm so glad I did it. I do have a debit card, but thats not spending I can hide as hubby sees the statement. Now I go through my budgets weekly so its fresh in my mind what the money in the account is needed for. In the budget though I do allow for treats. Other than that I do as a few others have said and put my latest wants in my online basket and just leave it there for a few days. If I'm looking at something I also work out after tax etc how many hours I would have to work to pay for it, thats often enough to change my mind Oh and I have ironed out in the garden a few times when its too hot to do it inside so think your porch idea if a great one, go for it.
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 13, 2012 22:38:09 GMT -5
No pouncing allowed here, you know that, my friend!
Hugs are allowed, and understanding, and help.
So, what do i do?
Well, i get online, put the stuff i want on a wishlist or virtual shopping cart, and make myself wait 3 days.
Usually, by that time, i don't want it, have forgotten it, or can't even remember the website where i saw it!
If that won't work for you,, could you and your husband get rid of your credit and debit cards and go to a cash only basis, with him paying bills online if needed?
messymimi Getting rid of the debit and credit cards is a good idea! Of course there's Paypal. I do hate to spend cash. I'd have more money for sure if I only bought local, with cash.
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Post by littleengine on Feb 14, 2012 7:53:50 GMT -5
Yes I have this problem too. It is especially hard in the winter, I find. Have you considered getting a filter on your computer? I don't have one, because I do need to buy certain things online, but here is one I've heard of: www.optenetpc.com/stop-shopping-addiction.htmlI think you can get a friend to pick the password so you can't remove the filter in a moment of weakness. Or, another option is, assuming you have antivirus stuff on your computer, just set the parental controls so you can't access shopping sites. Again, you might want a friend to choose the password.
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Post by littleengine on Feb 14, 2012 7:57:41 GMT -5
(Although at least from my own experience, blocking those sites would probably just make me switch to some other form of unhealthy shopping.... I closed my Facebook account recently because it was too addictive, but find I'm now spending too much time on forums and blogs. Sigh.)
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 14, 2012 8:17:39 GMT -5
(Although at least from my own experience, blocking those sites would probably just make me switch to some other form of unhealthy shopping.... I closed my Facebook account recently because it was too addictive, but find I'm now spending too much time on forums and blogs. Sigh.) You know, I'm wondering ... IS it an addiction? Sometimes I feel as driven as I imagine an addict might feel. Here's a site I found and have just now started reading (this is not on SOOS). it looks like it might be good/helpful.
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 14, 2012 8:24:21 GMT -5
Actually, as I see it, there are three parts to this problem:
1. We acquire too much 2. We don't organize it once it arrives home 3. We don't get rid of enough
I did stop acquiring clothes. There was one thing that helped me with that - it was a mental picture.
I saw a beautiful dress at the store that I really, really, really wanted. Then, in my mind, I saw it lying wadded in a pile with all the other clothes in the floor of my spare bedroom. It was not a lovely image. I realized that as soon as I had worn it a time or two, that's exactly where it would be, and it wasn't a pretty ending. I visualize that a lot, now, when it comes to clothes. I have pretty well stopped buying clothes. Even at Goodwill.
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Post by dayeanu on Feb 14, 2012 8:28:38 GMT -5
(snip) Now I go through my budgets weekly so its fresh in my mind what the money in the account is needed for. In the budget though I do allow for treats. Other than that I do as a few others have said and put my latest wants in my online basket and just leave it there for a few days. If I'm looking at something I also work out after tax etc how many hours I would have to work to pay for it, thats often enough to change my mind (snip) I think this is a very good plan. When I focus on my finances frequently, I do spend more responsibly! Thanks for the reminder!
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Post by eagle on Feb 14, 2012 12:41:51 GMT -5
Hiding, my experience tells me that I often subsitute one behavior for another, be it an addictive or maladaptive behavior or otherwise.
I also notice that when I am feeling anxious or feel a need to escape (from anxiety or grief or sadness or anger or loneliness or whatever feeling I don't want to feel), I often choose patterns of behavior that tend toward acquiring excess things I don't necessarily want or need.
Sometimes I am able to manage to just windowshop (in person or online) and actually not acquire things. Sometimes I think I'll be able to simply windowshop and end up spending the money and bringing things home that I don't have room for and force myself to abide by my One-In-Two-Out Rule.
When I had a lot of disposable money (it's been awhile, let me tell you, and I do wish I had been more stingy with my money) I would spend hours and hours shopping for clothes. I would spend thousands of dollars, easily, in one shopping spree. I would bring home so many bags of new clothing, then cover my bed and fill my closets and pile clothes on furniture in my condo because I had nowhere to store all those clothes.
I've done the same with appliances in the past, buying more than I needed, not making do with what I had. I've done the same with tools; I love tools. I've done the same with electronics; I never met an electronic device I didn't like. I've done the same with books. I've even attempted to do the same with furniture!
There's only so much space in our homes, and hopefully, there's only so much money.
You recently quit yard sales. Then you started online shopping. It sounds like substitution to me.
Making a conscious effort to alter the substitution pattern seems indicated here. I had to do it, too. I had to pay attention to what I was tempted to do instead of what I was altering in my patterns. What 'undesirable habit' was I trying to end and where did that take me when the hole from that 'undesirable habit' remained? So filling that hole with something positive was the key. Easier said than done, hence the conscious effort to insert a more postive behavior.
I mentioned my One-In-Two-Out Rule. I started that about 7 or 8 years ago sometime around the time I first joined Squalor Survivors. It's really made a difference when I shop, even when I choose to bring free things into the house. If one new or used item comes into the house, then two like items have to leave. I began doing this with clothes when I first started, but later added luggage, shoes, dishes, books, and a variety of other things that we have a tendency toward over-acquiring.
Once the disposable income decreased, it didn't become easier, as one would expect. Going into debt is simply too easy, and excess spending doesn't stop just because the income starts to dry up. That's too bad, because it just leads to more problems. But as was mentioned, paying attention to the financial situation and carefully budgeting the income to cover necessary expenses (basic food, shelter, heat, transportation, medical care) can help, but it takes self-discipline. Self-discipline is the key, and requires constant vigilance when we're trying to eliminate undesirable habits/behaviors.
Sometimes doing something in a different way can help, too. Breaking a pattern is easier when we have to think about the steps because we aren't doing them in the same thoughtless way. That's how my mom quit smoking. It was so automatic that by wrapping her cigaret packs up in newspaper and tying them with string, it made her have to consicously look at what she was doing and gave her enough time to think it through and resist the urge to take that smoke.
Edited to correct name of o.p. (Sorry)
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Post by Freedom on Feb 14, 2012 13:55:38 GMT -5
(((((Hangers))))) Addiction is addiction. I have OCD and a very addictive personality. I've been where you are a number of times and have the financial squalor to prove it. Try 12-step. It helped / saved me and has done the same for millions. Again, not saying DO -- just taste. You can spit it out if it's not for you. Take what you want and leave the rest. For me, there is Debtor's Anonymous (Lion turned me / us on to that), and Co-Dependent's Anonymous* (more on this later). But really, ANY 12-step meeting addresses the exact same root issue -- addiction. Face-to-face, "real" meetings are wonderful, and I am a loner / non-joiner to the max. However, I now live in a smaller town, and use on-line 12-step sites, they're full of wisdom and support just like here. And, they're private. You can go to a thousand meetings and say nothing more than your chosen name. My statement on it is, If I could have WILLED myself out of it, I'd have done that long ago -- I need help. *Note on the term 'Co-Dependent' -- some people tend to think that 'dependent' and 'CO-dependent' are the same word. NOT. This term came from the days when we tended to see a relationship where one member was dependent, meaning ADDICTED, to a substance, and believed the other was "healthy" -- further investigation revealed that the other person in the relationship had powerful dysfunction as well, which was then termed Co-dependent. Co-dependents (generally) come from homes where addictions existed -- in my home, Grandpa had been an alchoholic, and Mother, in turn, was a rage-aholic, and spend-aholic -- and all of the rest of us orbited around her dependence -- we were co-dependents. And I, now, have my own addictions and compulsions. Anyway, we'ere HERE!!! members of a wonderful and supportive community where we all share the same, um, ISSUES!!! You're very brave.
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Post by hiding on Feb 15, 2012 20:23:19 GMT -5
It seems clear and obvious now that you point it out. Why didn't I catch that? I definitely think I replaced the yard saleing with the internet buying. There is more mixed up with me than the hoarding behavior. That make it more confusing for me. Although I work for the same company I have been for several years, I now have a job that requires me to dress a little better than I had been. I have to meet with clients, talk at meetings, trainings. At least that's what I used to justify my purchasing to myself. And it's true to some extent. But I went off the deep end with it. On the clothing thread, one of us here directed us to websites/blogs about good practices with clothing. I became fond of one, Wardrobe Oxygen. www.wardrobeoxygen.com/The blogger Allie encourages quality over quantity and offers great advice how to achieve that. I am striving to follow her example. Not only will I end up with fewer clothes but will also have only choices I love and interchange with each other. I am going to try several of the suggestions y'all gave.
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