|
|
Post by dtesposito on Jun 8, 2012 9:39:02 GMT -5
Chris, I'm so sorry this is such a stressful time for you. Keep reminding yourself that you'll be able to work it all out, whichever way that happens.
I know money's tight but if there's a day you want to visit your MIL can you go with your husband and then just take a cab home? (I'm assuming you don't have public transportation handy.) Doesn't she have a daughter nearby too? Maybe you could catch a ride with her if she goes for a visit?
Breathe deeply and picture that beautiful Vermont scenery!
Diane
|
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Jun 8, 2012 15:22:46 GMT -5
Hi Diane -- I hope things get better -- so far today my husband has been up there at the hospital 8 hours and no word yet about her being transferred. I've been crying and upset -- and contemplating leaving just packing up and going. I know that's out of proportion to today's problem -- but it seems to be a cumulative case of just not having any more in me to take all the controlling. It's such a contrast between this and the joy and peaceful times in Vermont. Maybe he is trying to force me to spend all the day there with him and her by withholding my right to even see her for a little while and then come home but pick him back up at 7. He is there 12 hours a day minimum and it just seems unhealthy even if she were his wife. But I am working at not judging because I don't know what I'd do if it was my mom -- I hope I'd be willing to let her rest and come and go for visits but who knows. He "let" me keep the car Wednesday. I am not wanting it to run around excessively. I just feel so bored here at home and can't even stop by the church or go see my niece or anything. I guess I need to get strong with him. I know this: I've lost my desire to work things out and somewhere along the way over the past 4 weeks I just feel our marriage is over. Maybe it's just one too many times of being belittled and yelled at and told no to a reasonable request on the heels of freedom and peace with my family. The contrast is just to startling of how life could be. It's horrible realizing my mom was right. The awful things she said (predicting how bad it would be) were most likely all true. And I have not even had to contend with the rest of the family yet. I need to call up some of my faith and strength to deal with this and get off this pity party mode.  |
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Jun 8, 2012 16:02:15 GMT -5
So either your husband is trying to control where you are by not letting you have the car, or else today is an exception because he's honestly worried about not being able to go with his mom to the nursing home. If it's the latter, that means that once his mom is in the home, there will be no practical need for him to have the car there, and on the following days he'll have no problem with you keeping the car during the day--it will be interesting to see how that goes. I'm sure that 12 hours a day at the hospital is not good for him, but he probably has guilt that he didn't do enough for her (since you were doing everything) and is trying to compensate. I just hope he doesn't burn out or get sick himself, that wouldn't help anyone. One day at a time, I guess!  Diane |
|
|
|
Post by moggyfan on Jun 8, 2012 19:05:32 GMT -5
Chris, I hope you will listen to that still, small, steady voice that is saying you can have freedom and joy and peace in your life. You deserve all that and more.
Meanwhile, close your eyes and visualize your beautiful Vermont while you do what must be done for the next little bit.
I am sending you all good thoughts.
|
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Jun 9, 2012 8:09:01 GMT -5
Thanks Diane and Moggyfan -- it is helpful for me to be able to vent and I appreciate your responses.
Last night we were at the nursing home until 10 pm to get my MIL settled -- my husband came home at 4 from the hospital to eat and to pick me up - then we ran a few errands and then waited at the nursing home until her ambulance transfer came -- then settled her in -- she looked very tired and confused - but eventually seemed to know where she was.
I honestly thought things would be better once she was there and that he would "let" me go with him in the morning -- and I could stay for an hour or so to visit and see her and then bring the van home and continue with my day at home -- then go pick him up whenever he is ready. That was my desire. It is a 7 minute drive in no traffic (residential). However, this morning was the biggest explosion yet. He says that would be unfair to him he has to be able to leave whenever he wants (yelling) - he has a lot to do over there - am I going or not (yelling) - (his conditions being I go with him and I stay until hes ready to leave which I know will be several HOURS -- a minimum of 5).
Today, there will be (likely in the afternoon) a variety of other visitors that my MIL will have because the daughter and her SO and another son and his wife are planning to visit her there.
I'm going to stop thinking that this is going to get better -- today of all days I did truly think that he would see that it would be best for me to keep the van and come get him when he was ready. The only thing it would accomplish would be giving me the right to see her but for a small reasonable period of time -- AND giving me the right to do some other small activity like drop off a book to my niece or stop to see the new labyrinth at our church.
I guess when it comes down to it I am really afraid of confronting him with an ultimatum. I am afraid if I tell him I will leave if he does not give me more freedom -- then that could make him do things that would make it impossible for me to leave -- in other words on some level I won't feel safe announcing my plans. If I decide to leave I will need to do so while he is at the center and leave a letter or call from a safe place.
Here's the bottom line: I don't believe I can go thru this -- her dying -- if I have to be home alone and unable to see her except when it's perfectly ok with him or I agree to stay for unreasonable long hours -- I will need friends and people around me at least a little bit. I really have that in Vermont but here -- his behavior has isolated me from almost everyone except those I contact via the computer. I think I will begin today trying to get a ride to church -- it is 2 miles but there is a major road to cross which I find dangerous on foot besides it's in the 90s heat wise.
I don't have a good relationship with his siblings (I over the years stopped being under their control) -- just the one niece and she is a very busy mom and works in addition.
Well - I am going to have to make my list and work at stress relief. Yesterday I began trying to understand the confusing bus routes and schedules. And I began asking myself if that's how I want to live -- when I own 1/2 of a nice vehicle but am not allowed to drive it because of my husbands "rules". Where can this possibly lead me?
Thanks for letting me vent. I will now attempt to organize my stay at home alone day.
|
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Jun 9, 2012 8:16:36 GMT -5
Saturday June 9 --   feed cats eat breakfast scoop litters open binder with papers and pull out marriage license, military records, etc. and put in my travel binder/ gathered all personal, marital and financial and statements etc. and organized into manilla folders)  box up winter jackets to mail home (need tape)- decided to put them in my old military duffle call a friend from church (wait til 10 am)second thoughts organize my desk list all debts and assets, with account numbers and pertinent info. water find orange vest in case I do decide to walk to church pack a small backpack for tomorrow more later |
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Jun 9, 2012 9:30:17 GMT -5
Well, now I'm getting concerned for you over there. When you say you're afraid of confronting him, I assume you mean he'll do something to deny you access to any money, so you can't leave? You're not afraid that he'll hurt you (or the cats)?
I guess you got your answer to the car issue. And what does he mean by this:
he has to be able to leave whenever he wants
Where would he go that's such an emergency that he couldn't wait for you to pick him up? Does that mean he hasn't really been spending all day with his MIL as he says he has?
I think you're wise to start planning in case you have to leave--good thing you're so organized, and you know where everything important is in your house. I guess you'll have to hide your preparations from him though--do you have things on your computer password protected? (Like this site?) Are either of your parents in a position to help you with transportation to get back to Vermont?
Sorry for all these questions, but I'm worried. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because of his mom, but think about this--he saw that his mom responded to you, and now he's denying HER the opportunity to see YOU, not just the other way around. That means he mustn't be all that concerned with her feelings.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, just keep telling yourself it's temporary. Keep making plans for leaving, that'll remind you that you have another option.
Diane
|
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Jun 9, 2012 9:51:59 GMT -5
Hi Diane -- please don't worry -- I do not think he would hurt me physically it has always been emotional/verbal abuse - ongoing since our wedding day. I've just been extremely slow to allow myself to really realize that the yelling and controlling are abuse.
I do expect that if he found out I was trying to leave he would be capable of things like taking my cell phone or tearing the phone out of the wall -- or trying to get my credit card -- I'm just not sure. He can be really unreasonable if he feels he is losing control. He is best when I am crying and unhappy it seems like.
I now have all essential documents prepared. That took quite a lot of gathering and listing even though I knew where everything was - there are lots of papers connected with our joint debt and our joint assets which I have to take. I have not packed my clothing yet -- it will be rather conspicuous when I get to that phase.
My dad is in a position to help me and my mom too - but I feel I can charge my ticket - it is a joint account and he will either pay it or I will have to pay it once I get a job. I have enough cash to get home in terms of food and emergency $.
My biggest concern is that I don't dare make a reservation for fear of him taking that very time to stay home -- and so it may come down to going to the airport via taxi and just getting on standby unless I got real lucky and there were seats.
I do not want to act impulsively but I have not hurt anything by packing all the financial, marital, military, and personal (employment etc) papers -- that would be something he would see me going thru all that stuff and it would be really suspicious.
My inner gut tells me that everything I have done so far is the right thing to do -- and I have not felt crying -- I've felt calm, confident and more peaceful by preparing things.
Next I am going to work on a letter to him to leave when I leave.
|
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Jun 9, 2012 10:04:45 GMT -5
Okay, but something else occurred to me--they always say that the spouse who leaves home has a disadvantage when it comes to divorce settlements. I'm not saying don't leave, but you should at least document what's happening. Is there any kind of legal aid organiation near you that could give you free advice?
Diane
|
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Jun 9, 2012 14:00:05 GMT -5
I am sure that if it comes to a divorce I will be without anything significant anyway. His family hates the women that marry their men and will coach him on how to make sure I get nothing. I only want my clothes and a few personal things I have to be willing to let all the rest go. I have no money for an attorney. It would be nice if I could retain medical benefits and survivor spousal death benefits but all that is tied up with the military and is extremely tricky. If there is a divorce it won't be me who is initiating it. I may have to contest it if I think I need to try and get anything.
It made me feel strong and powerful just gathering the papers and putting them in a safe place -- then he came in unexpectedly at 1030 (with a whole bunch of hurricane supplies he got at Walmart) just as I was almost ready to pack my jackets. Something made him ask for help from one of his siblings and he has taken the rest of the day off -- he is exhausted. He took me to see the church grounds and then straight back home. I wonder if he realized how mean he was being. I do recall the last thing I had said was that I was not going to take this.
One thing that is sure -- I see myself DONE with being treated wrongly and I feel willing to do whatever it takes to have a better life. Maybe that attitude is just what I need to make things turn around. I can't change him or anyone else but I can change what I will accept. I'm not just angry anymore I'm DONE. I'm really sorry that it just happens to be right now when he's going thru all this with his moms terminal illness.
|
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Jun 9, 2012 14:09:09 GMT -5
I can't change him or anyone else but I can change what I will accept.  Diane
|
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Jun 9, 2012 17:25:46 GMT -5
Working on regaining some serenity. Plan to try going to Unity tomorrow. I will have the van - the "try" part is all on me - being emotionally strong enough.
Tonight I am going to really work at relaxing which is something I don't tend to do easily.
I cooked a nice home cooked meal and we ate it together first time since before I went to Vermont.
|
|
|
|
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jun 10, 2012 11:15:28 GMT -5
Chris, you have a PM
|
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Jun 10, 2012 15:47:30 GMT -5
Not feeling too well today and might have to go back to the doctor tomorrow about my UTI -- I had been treated for one in Vermont and the antibiotics ran out Friday. By last night I was having symptoms again of frequency, urgency and not feeling like I've gone after I've gone --  Looking at what they gave me it was only 250 mg twice daily I wonder if it just didn't knock out the bacteria or what. So tomorrow may be a long day.  *showered *called dad *went to see MIL this morning *along with DH to home depot for a lock *to Unity first time in 2 months -- it was nice seeing my friends and all the changes there - I went alone and it was relaxing *mom called so I returned her call rest wash dishes eat dinner (maybe soup although I have leftovers) |
|
|
|
Post by Chris on Jun 11, 2012 12:21:31 GMT -5
I rested yesterday and I feel much better today -- I did not have to go to the doctor thank goodness.  showered cat care small breakfast prepared stuff brief visit to nursing home - then kept van - DH is still over there checked in with my mom she is also feeling better continue on my jackets and winter gear (organize and pack into my duffle)/ all packed and everything fit in my old military duffle bag mailed dads fathers day surprise bought stamps breakfast taco back to pick up husband at nursing home labeled and took more clothing + MILs dentures and hearing aid lunch with husband banking More later I have just a little while left to work on my jackets and then it will be time to pick up DH at the nursing home. I am so grateful I feel better physically and that today was not a day of yelling and disagreement. So far anyhow. More later. We are expecting heat indexes around 105-110 so we will stay inside once he is back. |
|
