Today is a better day. I think tomorrow I will stay home - and it won't matter if DH has the car. I really need to concentrate on home chores. I need to do sheets and continue on my really massive clothing project. I got 80% of my winter gear packed today but I still need to pull out gloves, ear warmer, hats, and things like that. I also need to look for a couple small things that I am not sure where they are. It is ungodly hot outside so any work on laundry in the utility room has to be done EARLY. Thank goodness I got the lawn done last Friday. I hope it won't grow too fast. Anyway, my own personal stress level will likely stay lower if I visit my MIL in the nursing home every other day instead of daily. MY plan is to really get a lot of stuff done here tomorrow. DH will be there until about 1 pm everyday he says.
"The only aspect of time that is eternal is NOW" ~A Course in Miracles~
Post by dtesposito on Jun 11, 2012 17:35:05 GMT -5
Hello Chris, I'm so glad things have settled down a little for you.
The heat by you always helps me keep things in perspective, it was around 90 today, and I was miserable. I'm sure a heat index of 110 is just about unbearable. I really hope we don't see that this year.
And you're working with your winter clothing--I'll bet that makes you feel even warmer!
I had a fantastic start to the day. I decided to stay home today -- so DH went to the nursing home a bit before 8. I now have all my winter clothing (with just a few exceptions) in my old military duffle and I finally figured out how to secure it -- it was so simple once I remembered. It has these giant grommets and one of them has a hasp attached they all go over the hasp and then it has a clip to secure it. Clever. I sure am glad I never gave in to pressure to give that duffle away. It still has my maiden name stenciled on it and it fit literally 3 jackets, winter bathrobe, winter pjs, 3 cordaroys, multiple shirts and sweatshirts, all my polar edge insulated underwear, you name it. My boots are already in Vermont. At the same time I went thru my regular clothing and made choices -- disappointedly I only found 2 items to donate -- so I think maybe I need to go thru it again soon because I know I have too much clothing still -- maybe I'm just not in the purging mode today -- but definately I'm in the ORGANIZING mode.
started roast in crockpot with potatoes, carrots, onions, celery etc. washing sheets - in dryer now cat care complete ate breakfast weight = 160.4 (I had gained 2 pounds but now I am almost back to 160 where I was before my trip -- I must have eaten too go while with my Dad.) found property papers deed stuff that dad sent me (middle of the night I woke up suddenly and realized I didn't have that packed ready) put some overflow clothing which I am not sure I need to keep into a plastic zipped thing to give it a few weeks and see if I'm trying to fetch it or not. call eye doctor/cancelled apt. MIL had call foot doctor one more purge thru the cedar mirrored closet to get rid of excess clothing that I don't want (hope I can be spot on and not keep or toss anything that I shouldn't) find my old silver dollar that dad gave me healthy lunch put sheets back on bed (we just have one set)
Post by dtesposito on Jun 12, 2012 20:05:54 GMT -5
Glad you're having another good day!
My boots are already in Vermont.
Okay...how did your boots get to Vermont??? I know it's snowy there but you couldn't have needed them during your trip a week ago?
I only have one sheet set that I like too. I have a couple of other odds and ends if I desperately need them, but I generally wash my favorite set and put it back on the bed because it's the only one that fits well. It's getting old and worn too, I've been looking for another one, but they are SO expensive. Or else, so UGLY! I'm very picky about my sheet pattern!
Is your MIL more coherent now? Does she seem to like the nursing home?
Hi Diane, My Dad and I had a lot of good talks and one of the things I asked him was if I could keep a backpack of my gear (boots, sandals and some long sleeved things) in the closet in my room at home. I always have to take boots because of the mud and the woods activities we do. Even in the summer May/June etc. northern Vermont has quite a lot of mud. LOL Especially this early in the season when it's rainy. The boots I have are just insulated rubber polar edge (knock offs of the LL Bean original boot) maybe I'd need some better ones for winter eventually but they are new - I just got them after my 8 year old ones kicked the bucket in Utah. I had planned so leave some stuff at home in VT anyway if it was okay with Dad - before I left here this last time I was not sure I'd even come back to TX because I knew I couldn't do the caregiving anymore -- but the events that occurred after I left changed everything except for my decision to move home before I'm 50. (18 month or sooner time frame).
My MIL is stable but in my opinion she is not doing well - - however she seems comfortable - - she just has very little energy to even respond. I hang onto her knowing me Monday when the speech therapist questioned her -- so I know she has recognition but she's just more exhausted than before I left and physically very declined. The center doctor and DH are making arrangements now for her to transfer to long term care (staying there in same facility) - out of rehab - because there is not much they can do except call in Hospice. Things seems to be moving very fast.
My dads dog had to be put down yesterday - he somehow called his sister (my aunt) and asked her to message me on the computer -- I was able to call him but he could barely talk (understandable) but at least he could hear my voice - I also got a hold of my brother and later learned he was able to go and see dad. The dog was 12 years old a large breed lab/golden mix and had had mobility/hip/leg problems for quite awhile. Finally after I left my brother said it got where Dad just couldn't get him in and out of the house despite the ramp and he was falling (the dog) I know Dad said he couldn't stand to see him suffer. I feel very sad - I know how dad has depended on the dog for companionship. He did mention when I was there he might get a cat someday.
showered cat care breakfast top drawer of dresser hat box preliminary desk drawer preliminary bookcase drawers continue working on pulling out things I want to keep + either carry or mail home to VT find medicaid old paperwork for MIL healthy lunch transfer more pictures to flash drive clean bathroom sink
I am home again today. DH did not encourage me to go - he is handling all the paperwork right now and I do think he is getting better results being there and being a man. I will go at least once more by the weekend to see her and then let the weekend be for the kids who work during the week. Once Hospice comes in I will want to be there perhaps more and I feel I will need counseling and help in how to relate to her as she declines. I had been her primary caregiver very intense for the past year and a half and I am finding this very difficult emotionally even the guilt over my freedom coming because of this situation of her decline. I feel I probably will need professional help getting thru this long difficult goodbye. I have to remember that it's okay to have joy and peace in my life. I never wished anything bad for her - I just really needed a break from taking care of her and it's cumulative from all the years off and on and with Pop too since we got here in 1991.
"The only aspect of time that is eternal is NOW" ~A Course in Miracles~
Post by dtesposito on Jun 13, 2012 12:02:48 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear about your dad's dog. That's the hardest thing in the world to do, but the kindest if the dog is no longer enjoying life. I know about the mobility issues, I had an old german shepherd, and at the time lived on the second floor. At first I was able to carry his rear end up the stairs while he supported his body going up with his front legs. We were able to do that for a long time, but eventually his front legs became weaker and even getting down the stairs was treacherous.
I think Chris is keeping her options open right now. And it must feel good to have some control for a change!
Last Edit: Jun 13, 2012 13:41:22 GMT -5 by dtesposito
Yesterday was something else. It was just a flurry of activity and stress once DH got home. He has lots of paperwork to do and he had a stressful sibling interaction late at night after he'd fallen asleep which then kept up both up late -- he had a breakdown after yelling at and being yelled at with his sister on the phone. Apparently MILs bag was leaking (colostomy) and she called him from the nursing home to demand he talk to the nurses. Both DH and I know those bags do leak sometimes even when you try your best to cut it just right and are right on top of letting the air out and stuff. Anyway, he cried a long time and it was bad. I suggested that he let his sister know not to call him anymore late like that - he has to get up early in the morning. He said he would ask her not to. I can see the stress is just really over the top.
call funeral home for fax # cat care talked to mom she called packed priority box of stuff to mail home eventually. shred some more papers lunch research purge clothing from mirror closet go thru 3rd and 4th drawer in my dresser exchange underwear @ walmart visit MIL in nursing home pick up DH at his sisters - mowing her lawn
more later I'm going to hop on the drawer organizing while DH is not in the bedroom. ....
Post by dtesposito on Jun 14, 2012 21:23:42 GMT -5
Hello Chris, that's interesting that your husband's sister didn't want to talk to the nurses herself. Sounds like everyone is just a bundle of nerves right now.
When you say you're shipping stuff home, do you mean to your mother's house? Or your father's? If you went back there alone would you stay with one of them? How are housing costs/opportunities there compared with where you live now?
Whew DH is out the door -- he had to have help finding several things - an account # of his moms, his hat, his leatherman tool ... Ah peace and quiet now.
cat care eat breakfast my shower frame a picture for MILs room of her and my FIL find small albums gather pictures + albums to go thru (plan to place sticker on each album I've already gone thru on the inner cover ? scan favorites and copy onto flash drive/spent a long time working out a scanner glitch but the scanner is working again now! prepare favorites and of the big ones store in manilla envelope with cardboard backing - smaller ones find the best storage solution copy pics from computer to flash drive brainstorm how to handle scrapbooks healthy lunch pull out more clothing to take to nursing home water call + check on Mom stretching exercises for my heel
cat care breakfast clean up cat messes go with DH to nursing home for the morning get taquito mid morning for snack lunch at home wash dishes (big pile!) clean another cat mess and find missing cat tidy my desk area pack for swimming tomorrow return SILs Kindle Fire -- I loaded games on it for her clean stove/partial check laundry to see if there are full loads wash DHs pants call check on mom clean bathroom sink
Well - it was a different kind of morning - I decided to go with DH to support him in being there til right after lunch with his Mom. She was alert for a very short time so that was good I got to see her when she was awake. I left for a break to get a taco right next door for $2.05 -- and DHs brother came in -- everything was friendly and pleasant. My MIL is very tired but she is comfortable I think. Yesterday in the afternoon DH blew up at me but I did not take it -- I said STOP I'm not going to be talked to like that -- and I left the area and stayed away from him for hours. It seemed like he respected me more afterward. I did exactly what the author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" said to do. I was prepared for him to not speak to me but I guess because I stayed away so long that did not happen. I do not know if there is hope long term but I will never know unless I try to respond in a way that stops the yelling, ordering and abuse. My Dad is having a terrible time with the loss of his beloved dog. My heart is torn in half that I'm back here now so far away. But I called him and he was able to talk for a few minutes -- he has lost weight and has had a very hard time -- but this weekend he was going to try and go to his sisters and I know that will be good for him. I have been writing and calling and I just hope and pray he can feel better soon. I felt he was lonely even with his dog but his dog was his life and his companion for so long. He may have to get another dog -- he was talking about the possibility. He knows the new dog would not be a replacement but he would have an animal to take care of and to be with him again. Maybe he will find a young shelter dog that will be a good friend. I hope so.
shower clean litter boxes change into swimsuit and shorts pack waters go to nieces (shes picking me up) swim, eat, watch movie go with husband to his pops memorial site with a flower organize and prepare a light supper/I did baked potatoes in microwave, baked chicken with lemon pepper and peas work on menu so that I can work on grocery list take out all trash take out recycling organize a plan for Monday (staying home by myself) hear about DHs day 20 minutes reading in therapy book - reading chapter on reacting to verbal abuse
I'm about to go swimming with my niece and her kids. DH is at the center 8-1 today with his mom. I went yesterday with him. I'm very much in a frame of mind that I am on the right track to be packing and organizing to move to VT and at the same time I now find it in my heart to really work the steps in the verbal abuse book - to see if there is hope in this relationship. I won't take any foolish chances - but I just may always wonder if I don't step up and STOP tolerating the yelling, ordering and control. It saddens me that I didn't find a way to do that years ago. It may be too late now. But it's just us here -- no child to protect or elder to shield from the conflicts. And I saw clear signs that DH "got it" when I walked away from the tree incident and refused to be yelled at any longer. He never apologized but he didn't withdraw later or or try to bring it up again. Meanwhile things are happening with both my parents which could necessitate me going home to be with them anyway + I will be (am almost) ready for that in case I need to go.
Good morning Chris, I feel for your father, it's always horrible when an animal dies but when the person is alone afterwards it's devastating. I hope he can find things to keep him busy, I know that when one of my animals dies I pretty much have to throw myself into busyness so my mind is occupied. This way it sinks in little by little instead of being the only thing I think about.
It's good that you have 18 months leeway to plan what you want to do. I don't think it's bad to take your time to decide, especially since there are high emotions right now because of your MIL. You don't want to feel later like you did the wrong thing. But being ready to go at a moment's notice is wise, it will give you the power that you need.