Artax's Blog: The Road Goes Ever On and On

[artax]

"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."

-- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring



So many stories here.

I hope to share a little of my own journey, partly to share others but also for myself, as way to keep track of my progress and/or regress. There's something liberating in getting one's thoughts out on paper or on a screen.

I may go into my past, and conjecture on what has gotten me into this literal mess, but I think for now I will just list what I've currently been doing to battle it, and how I feel about the process.

(Edit: Added my introduction below, to add a bit of context)

***

Hello all --

I wish I had the time to write how I got to where I'm at, but will just start with the basics for now.

I'm a gal in my late 30s, married, and make art for a living -- mostly book illustration.

I am in dire need of support, as most my friends are messy creative types and don't fully understand my distress. My husband, while amazingly helpful and loving, also tends to hang onto things, thus adding to the chaos. I come from at least three generations of hoarders, and am concerned that I'm following in their dusty, cobwebby footsteps.

I've tried the FlyLady system on and off for about six years now, but after a few months of success, I always seem to "fall off the wagon" -- especially when I'm stressed.

Like many people here, I've had a difficult past and channel most of my energy into my work -- but at times, this hyper-focus makes everything else go by the wayside and the next thing I know, I've generated a terrible amount of clutter, which, in turn, saps my will to be creative. Not a good place to be in, as I need to draw and/or paint for several hours each day.

So here's to meeting some new faces and perhaps getting back on track. Who knows? I might do better than I expect...

***

3/2/12


Today I picked up de-cluttering where I left off, about 6 months ago, and began by joining a "three things" thread. Very cool concept. Only problem is, after doing just three things I didn't stop but went on a several hour cleaning binge and have worn myself out. Also, I've been sneezing like crazy from the dust.

I think I do this because I get worried that the mysterious, capricious Martha Stewart mood that has fallen over me will suddenly vaporize, leaving me bereft in a sea of junk.

Now I'm off to make dinner before Mr. Artax comes home. Hope I'll have the energy to clean up afterwards...

[wynken]

welcome artax. nice name
You have made a great start.
I look forward to reading your blog.

[artax]

Thanks for the welcome, wynken. I like your name, as well. As you might've surmised, mine's from "The Neverending Story" -- a childhood favorite. Sometimes I really do feel like that poor horse, sinking into the mire.

Well, Mr. Artax came home and was so pleased with today's progress that he took me out for dinner. How nice was that??

[cando]

How wonderful!!!

Luv your avatar!
CD

[artax]

Thanks, Cando -- I like yours, as well!

3/3/12

Spent a good part of the morning explaining and refining my goals for the house with my guy. (He gets most weekends off) He was very receptive and encouraging, and so while I've been cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry this morning, he's been doing a few "odd job" cleaning sessions, himself.

Normally we'd both be going out for the day, as neither of us likes being in our messy home; but we now acknowledge that SOMETHING needs to be done NOW, before it gets to disastrous proportions. We can't ignore our way out of this...

[artax]

3/5/12

Wow, yesterday was quite the emotional roller-coaster ride.

I have this theory about why switching into "cleaning mode" from "do nothing mode" is so difficult for me. There are many reasons why our home has gotten this way, so when I start delving into the mess, all those reasons begin to surface. My depression, my anxieties, things from my past....Every years-old receipt, every found "forever lost" item, every fossilized bit of food is a reminder that not all has been as it should be. Then the rage sets in. How could I do this to myself? How could I let it get this bad?

It's difficult to explain to my mate that my "tidying up" is more than meets the eye. It's a mental battle of epic proportion. He's being so helpful, but I can't help but wonder if he's also just trying to take advantage of the environmental awareness that I've somehow regained. It seems to come and go, like flower seeds that bloom after a sudden rainstorm in a desert...only to wither away.

All that said, I'm much more determined this round, I think, and I've noted that there were several things that helped maintain things from the last time I tried to keep things clean:

1) I've stopped going to thrift stores and yard sales, which has kept a good part of my accumulation habit at bay. (Books are still a bit tricky, as this is Mr. Artax's weakness, as well.)

2) The labels-on-clear-bin method in my studio has been surprisingly effective. Not foolproof, but much better than I thought it would be. I'm going to expand on this in other areas of the home. If anyone ever visits someday and raises an eyebrow at all the labels on "obvious" things, so be it.

[artax]

3/6/12

Day four of trying to get back into the swing of things.

I've re-established the morning routine "flight check" list that I made some time ago, tweaked it, printed it out and put it in a page protector sheet so I can mark over it with a dry-erase marker.

Even though it points out some obvious things that most people do automatically, having something like this really helps me on target. Everything is in the order in which it needs to be done, so all I have to do is take on each item, one at a time, then check it off.

Here it is, in case anyone's interested:

MORNING ROUTINE


___ Shower or Wash face/Deodorant/Brush teeth

___ Put on clothes

___ Wipe sink area

___ Patrol toilet area

___ Make bed

___ Start laundry

___ Inspect/water upstairs plants

___ Inspect/water downstairs plants – outside and inside

___ Feed fish

___ Feed/water birds

___ Make hubby's lunch (weekends excepted)

___ Make breakfast

___ Eat breakfast

___ Go over daily schedule

___ Wipe table

___ Sweep kitchen floor

___ Put away dishes

___ Move laundry to dryer

___ Fold and put away first load



From waking up until the eating breakfast checkpoint, the whole thing takes about one hour. Much less time than I initially thought.

Why such a list is so important: I've been known to get so distracted that I'll regularly do things like put laundry into the machine, then go off to purposefully get a fresh bottle of detergent...only to utterly forget that I put the laundry in the machine in the first place. Or worse, have a backlog of wet, mildewed clothes because I forgot to put them in the dryer. Sometimes I've washed the same load two, three or more times because of this.

So now I just look at my list and everything is getting done. A no-brainer, really, but I mistakenly thought that I'd memorized the list and didn't need it anymore -- and slowly descended into chaos again. Well this time, I've resolved to use it every day, no matter what. Even if I have to use a printed-out list like this for the rest of my life, I will.

[PaperGrace]

There's nothing wrong with needing lists, or labels on drawers. I think a problem is that we associate those things with our childhood and feel like we should be past the need. Well, that's not always the case. So be it. I've had post-it notes on my husband's dresser drawers for a couple of years now, and it helps. I have them on the babies drawers too. It keeps us all on the same page, and makes it much more likely that others will help with putting things where they go.

I find it so easy to skip a step without a list, or jump to another task that fell into view without completing my intended objectives. I like working in threes for that reason, I can jump to another task, and feel good about it, but then see the reminder that I meant to go do this other thing. Today if I hadn't put 'Take Vitamin' on my self-care list is surely would have been skipped, I didn't manage to get it done until 8:30 PM! Should I remember it everyday with out a list? Probably. Do 'shoulds' help me in any way? Nope. Not one bit. Chastising myself with shoulds in no way helps me remember. So I'm teaching myself to accept that the list helps me, and the shoulda-coulda-woulda's don't.

PS: I'm so happy to have you here, and I look forward to seeing your progress! I love having people to root for! It's part of what keeps me coming here, and coming here helps me too! Your analogy of squalor with the swamp of sadness is so compelling for me. I have such a visual memory of that book, (and the movie) and seeing your avatar really makes me remember Artax giving in to hopelessness and the tears I shed for him every time.

[artax]

Hi PaperGrace --

Thanks for the encouragement. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one labeling dresser drawers.

***

3/7/12

So I've recently decided that if I'm to make any real headway in this process, I have to put a moratorium on paper, as this seems to still be something that still accumulates on a regular basis. Letters, art/gardening supply catalogs, charity newsletters, newspapers, magazines, coupons...it accumulates on any flat surface in drifts, like multi-colored snow.

I'd already cancelled all newspaper and magazine subscriptions a couple of years ago, but a well-meaning friend recently got me an art magazine subscription, and for some reason the local newspaper still sends us the ginormous Sunday edition for free. I asked them not to, but it keeps appearing anyway and it's soooo tempting to look inside for coupons.

And coupons keep coming in the mail. I'm always getting these fat packs of 'em in envelopes, which I dutifully open and sort and put into a coupon box -- or, if I'm busy, I don't sort, until the next thing I know I have a massive collection of expired coupons going several months back.

So: No more coupons.

I know, I know. It sounds a bit wide-eyed and radical. But I've really had to sit and think hard about the actual savings versus having an orderly environment...and I'm coming to realize that the latter is more important. Besides, I'm guessing that the overdue bills and notices that get hidden amongst those coupon piles have cost me FAR more than I would've saved.

It's probably no surprise that I come from a family that went through the worst of the Great Depression, or that they lived in perhaps the poorest part of the U.S. to begin with. It really kills me to think that I'm "throwing money away". It goes against everything I've been taught, and the current economic situation makes me very nervous, despite the fact that my husband and I are currently blessed with a sound financial situation.

Add to this the fact that I went through my 20s in a state of extreme austerity ("starving artist" isn't just an abstract term), and then lived/worked in several developing countries where the average person lived on little more than $1 to $2 a day, and you can see why I see a clipped piece of paper with BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE in bright, neon lettering and I cave in.

***

Well, the laundry machine just beeped, so it's off I go for now. Today and for the rest of the week I'll be hard at work on an illustration project that suddenly is needed earlier than projected (ack!) so I won't be tackling any large areas of the house for the next few days but will continue to maintain the areas I've won back in this Battle of the Mess.

Stay tuned...

[artax]

3/8/12

Ran into the strangest problem yesterday. I'd been washing laundry and putting it away and washing laundry and putting it away, every morning for about a week, and then...there wasn't any laundry to do!

It actually feels weird not to have any overflowing hampers or piles on the floor. Funny thing is, much of it had been previously cleaned -- just not folded/put away. My mind was like, Why bother to put it all away when it will get dirty again the next day? I've got other things to do. This had been the state of things for so long, that it had come to seem, well, normal. You know it feels when you move furniture around a room after a decade of having it in a certain arrangement? That's what it's like. Only it was piles of towels and shirts instead of sofas and armoires.

Now that it's all on hangars and in drawers, part of the problem has become obvious: there is just the two of us, but we have enough clothing for a family of six.

It will be very difficult, but we've agreed that we need to cull quite a few things if we are to regain space. I'd already donated quite a few things the last time 'round, but I didn't throw out the tattered items, as I felt that they still had some use left in them -- even though they weren't good enough for donation, I could wear them in the house, or for gardening.

Up until quite recently, I would spend a lot of time sewing and patching things that most people would've thrown away ages ago. How virtuous I felt! I wasn't the average wasteful Westerner. I'd been to places where someone would've happily worn the shirt that I'd bought from a thrift store 15 years ago, then proceeded to wear until the collar began to fray or the elbows wore out.

But when my depression worsened this last time -- it waxes and wanes -- I began to wear the tattered/repaired clothing ALL the time, even when I went out. What did I care what anyone thought? What did any of it matter? Artists are supposed to be eccentric, right?

So now I'm hoping to at least be proactive this time, and get a few new, sturdy things to wear and consign the worn-out stuff to the compost pile. (See? Still can't throw it away.) That way, if and when I get down again, at least I won't be clothed in rags...

[artax]

3/9/12

Small victories:

-- cleaned the top of the dresser, and actually dusted and organized my hopelessly jumbled jewelry box.
-- dusted and organized the bookshelf-turned-taboret in the studio.
-- finished a drawing that I'd been dragging my feet on for a couple of weeks, due to a difficult composition.

Temporary Setbacks:

-- I find myself getting more "spacey"and disoriented at times, as going through personal items (such as my departed grandmothers' rings in the jewelry box, for instance) are causing a bit of emotional distress.
-- Rising frustration at how much needs to be done in other areas of the house.
-- Over-analysis. I was going to write a longish post about my past, my personality, etc. and how it relates to where I am now...but then I felt that the last thing I need right now is more in-depth navel-gazing.

The next couple of days will be crunch time, as I've got to get the major project scanned and out the door by Monday; but I will try very hard to not get so focused that I forget to do my established routines.

[wynken]

Sounds like you are on the right track artax.
I know what you mean re feeling fuzzy when memories start coming up, or something needs action thats a bit challenging.
Bit by bit - you will get there.

[artax]

Thanks for stopping by, Wynken. I wish it were kilobyte by kilobyte instead of bit by bit. Things would go a LOT faster that way.

3/10/12


So I was doing a quick 15 minute cleaning session in the studio, and was dismayed to find a preliminary sketch had somehow become stuck to a printed advertisement near one of the lamps, and some of the type transferred to the drawing due to the added heat. Now the drawing is ruined. I was going to show it to a client.

I also found a small spritzer water bottle that had become wedged between the drawing table and the window...and there was an alarming amount of blackish mold growing inside it. I started to take it to the sink to clean it out...and then I thought: No. I can't risk getting spraying mold spores on my work. (I use bottles like this for water-based paint) I wracked my mind for several minutes, trying to come up with another use for the bottle, ANYTHING at all, but in the end put it in the trash.

Now I have to get to work, and am fighting a lot of anger. How many times have I ruined a drawing or painting by spilling something on it, or even stepping on it? How many times have I found something that looked like it belonged in a biologist's petri dish instead of a tea mug?

*deep breath*

OK. Maybe I'll try to channel this emotion into what I'm hoping to finish up today. (It's a confrontational scene between two characters).

*another deep breath*

I can do this....

[artax]

3/11/12

Almost done with the massive work project that's taken me several months to complete. Can't believe how relieved I'm feeling about this.

I'm thinking that the cleaning bug really could be contagious, as Mr. Artax has really gone out of his way to help out. While I've been working in my studio this weekend, he has A) scrubbed down the shower, b) mopped the kitchen floor, and is now C) prepping the downstairs for vacuuming. (Keep in mind these activities have not taken place in at least 6-8 months, and even then, only minimally.) Just amazing. I've never seen him clean so much, or with such fervor.

There are other areas that I feel need to be addressed before vacuuming, but I am giving him free reign to do whatever he has the energy to do. I think this is the secret, to not nag or even suggest. Instead I've just been thanking him lovingly, saying that anything he does during this process is a tremendous help. Which is true! We could play the blame game, or try to "assign" particular chores, but if I just keep pecking away at the mess, and keep to my routines without resentment, it will eventually get to a point where things are clean and livable again. Any extra assistance on his part is a bonus.

[wynken]

yes yes yes atrax
great great great Mr Artax.
So good the bottle of mold could go out.
pity about the drawing
excellent about the massive work project. kudos.
thats huge that mr artax is helping and that you are letting go of any need/attempt to control him (or suggest or whatever) or have things done your way.

Your progress is an inspiration to me.