|
Post by razy on Mar 23, 2012 21:42:31 GMT -5
Like others I am finding this thread really interesting- it is really making me think about the things I am buying.
On the way home from lunch I bought 4 polar fleece blankets for the couch and chairs in the sitting room. They are aqua blue and change from the perfectly good red and brown ones that I had been using. I had been thinking of buying blue ones for a long time (year or more) but could not get past the fact I had perfectly good red and brown ones (that did not match). I am pleased I have bought them and I may even buy 2 more for the other chair. The red and brown ones can be washed and stored in the cupboard. They make good animal blankets.
I think I am feeling guilty about buying them...like I am not allowed to re-decorate or it is stupid trying to make my sitting room look nice when it is always so messy.....or something....
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 24, 2012 2:13:45 GMT -5
I think having false guilt is a problem for all of us here. And then, at least for me, it's kinda like once I cheat on a diet, well, I bought something that wasn't an absolute necessity - why stop there, and then I end up redecorating the whole room - most likely a room I can't even get in because of all the clutter.
It is ok to buy new stuff. It is ok to re-decorate. I guess my problem is when I buy stuff to "redecorate" a room I can't even use yet.
I hope this thread helps us recognize our wrong thinking about acquiring stuff, whether it's from buying too much stuff, or from feeling guilty about buying things that we need and shouldn't feel guilty about.
Razy, it sounds like you made some good choices. Red is a strong color, and while I love red - honestly, it can get old after a while! Aqua blue (another of my favorites), sounds much easier to live with. Red and brown together sounds ok, matching blue sounds better. I think these items are something you are using. I'm guessing they will not sit in a sack in your entryway for the next six months. And if the old ones aren't clutter and you will actually be using them, then you made a good choice. If you are worried about clutter, maybe there is something else, unrelated, that you need to get rid of? if so, let it go. Otherwise, enjoy the beautiful aqua blue blankets!
|
|
|
Post by downandout on Mar 24, 2012 4:15:08 GMT -5
this is so hard. i can sit here and spout off how i havent gone into thrift stores in years. or how i only go onto craigslist if i want to get rid of something. but how do i stop all of the impulse buying? no matter what i still have to go to the grocery store from time to time and i still impulse buy there. my pantry is stuffed to the gills my freezer fully stocked and yet im still looking at the food sales that are going on. we have many dvds new ones that havent even been watched yet but i still find myself looking thru what the store has to offer. im drawn to the book section too. i have enough potted plants really i do! but yet the other day there was this adorable little vine type plant that someone had stuck on a magazine rack and i felt sorry for it and bought it!! i tried carrying cash and that didnt work too well. mainly because i always felt like i would be caught short on something that i would need so i would take out too much. okay so not so bad because ive stashed some cash around the house but still. i may not plan on buying something but thats not my problem. impulse buying is my biggest problem. i think it wouldnt be so bad if it was only one type of thing like salt and pepper shakers as you could avoid that one thing. but how can you avoid many different things that are common in so many stores???
|
|
|
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 24, 2012 8:47:14 GMT -5
In " Debtors Anonymous", it is suggested that you go into the store with a LIST. Here follows a method that some people use. It's not "required" ... but a lot of people have chosen this method for themselves. If you discover something that's not on your list ...but you have the urge to buy ... then ... you call a "recovery buddy" on the phone right then and there -- to "reason it out" with someone other than yourself. This is NOT somebody who will be judgmental of you. This is a friend who understands the tendency to overspend and will support you in your efforts to change. Someone who has agreed to be on your phonelist for this purpose. Ideally you have several people on this list. Keep dialing from a list of recovery buddies ... until you find someone who answers the phone. Your goal is to get at least ONE person to answer the phone to talk with you. If none of the recovery buddies on your list answer their phones, then you have to leave voicemails for TWO different people about what you are deciding about. What do you talk about? You talk about whether you can afford to buy the item that's not on your list ... and ... what you will OMIT buying so that you can have this unplanned item instead. There is a limited amount of money available, so if you overspend here, you have to cut back elsewhere. During your phonecall or voicemail, you discuss your plan for adjusting your purchasing budget. To sum up:
Go to store with list of items to buy. Also bring a list of phone numbers of buddies who have agreed in advance to support you.
If you find something at store that's not on list, Then ... While at the store, phone one of your "recovery buddies" to reason out adjustments to your spending plan. You either speak with one person LIVE or do voicemails to TWO different people.
NOTE. this is not to say you are "bad" for wanting the item. Maybe you do need it. You are reasoning out with the others, HOW. TO. ADJUST. YOUR. SPENDING. so as to be able to *afford* the item, if that's possible.
By the time you've done all this, usually the impulse to purchase will subside.
Or you'll decide to purchase the item in a SANE way -- rather than being heedless of consequences.
If you cannot speak to anyone "live" ... ... or if you cannot leave two voicemails ... then ... you agree to SKIP buying the item today.
Remember ... it will still be there next week!
And if it's gone next week, then maybe it was "meant to be" for SOMEONE ELSE to have! How do you call? Call from your cell phone, or from a pay phone if you can find one ... o ... ask the store clerk to use the store phone so you can " call a family member about your purchasing plan". [the "family member" can be anyone from your "recovery family" -- your friends recovering from overspending.] If phonecalls are hard for you, then practice this in advance by role-playing with your recovery buddies when you're not at a store. PRETEND it's happening and rehearse the process when there's no pressure. You and your buddies can take turns practicing with each other. You could also try texting or emailing ... or whatever method of communication works for you.Or come home, post here on the forum, and wait for feedback before returning to the store to purchase the item. Adjust this method in whatever way works for you!
In " Clutterers Anonymous", they suggest ... BEFORE you buy anything, clear a spot for it in your home in advance, so that when you bring the item home, you can put it away right away! If you are at the store and have the impulse to buy something unplanned ... STOP. Go home, decide where this item will live in your home and get the spot ready ... and then return to the store if you still think you really need it.
Obviously, if we combine BOTH of these methods - Debtors Anonymous --
making space in our budget for the item BEFORE purchasing it -- and getting help from friends to reason this out
~~ and ~~ - Clutterers Anonymous --
making DESIGNATED and CLEARED space in our home for the item BEFORE purchasing it
our impulse purchasing will be cut way down!
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 24, 2012 9:15:31 GMT -5
Lioness, this is excellent. This is also how I hope this tread will be used (since a lot of us can access this site from our phones.) OR we can have phone buddies here that we can call.
*****I think it would be good if each of us makes an outline of what you have posted here, Lioness. THEN PUT IT IN OUR BILLFOLD, PURSE, whatever we take shopping with us.*****
Even if we can't access the Internet or get in touch with anyone by phone, I think just the act of stopping and reading through it, and "having a committee meeting in my head" using your ideas would make a really big difference.
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 24, 2012 9:41:59 GMT -5
this is so hard. i can sit here and spout off how i havent gone into thrift stores in years. or how i only go onto craigslist if i want to get rid of something. but how do i stop all of the impulse buying? no matter what i still have to go to the grocery store from time to time and i still impulse buy there. my pantry is stuffed to the gills my freezer fully stocked and yet im still looking at the food sales that are going on. we have many dvds new ones that havent even been watched yet but i still find myself looking thru what the store has to offer. im drawn to the book section too. i have enough potted plants really i do! but yet the other day there was this adorable little vine type plant that someone had stuck on a magazine rack and i felt sorry for it and bought it!! i tried carrying cash and that didnt work too well. mainly because i always felt like i would be caught short on something that i would need so i would take out too much. okay so not so bad because ive stashed some cash around the house but still. i may not plan on buying something but thats not my problem. impulse buying is my biggest problem. i think it wouldnt be so bad if it was only one type of thing like salt and pepper shakers as you could avoid that one thing. but how can you avoid many different things that are common in so many stores??? YES! THIS!!!! This is exactly what I was talking about when I said it's not like quitting drinking or smoking. You HAVE to do a little shopping - you can't just "not shop." I am convinced it's not the thrift stores and yard sales and eBay that defeat us - at least not those of us who have been dealing with it for a while. We KNOW to stay away from those places. It's the pretty spring decorations for sale, tucked in nooks and shelves in the produce department - or like you said, the vine sitting stashed among the books, looking lonely and dejected, that calls out to us to be chosen! One thing I have realized is that many of us "humanize" things too much. That plant doesn't have the same emotions we have; doesn't experience the world as we do (I don't think.) I think sometimes we transfer OUR own personal feelings of rejection, wanting love and acceptance to these plants and objects. We buy them because we want acceptance; we "know" how that little neglected and forlorn plant feels. I'm sure this will sound strange to anyone who doesn't deal with this, but I'm willing to bet there is someone besides me out there in cyberland who knows what I'm talking about. I will never forget the shock I felt the first time I read this statement in a desqualoring book, "that old teddy bear doesn't love you. It's just bits of material and stuffing." I was a middle-aged woman! Logically, of course, I knew all that. Even so, I had transferred so many of my feelings about hurt, rejection, love and acceptance to inanimate objects because I had such bad experiences with humans. It made it very, very hard to throw those objects in the trash (or even to donate them!) I'm sure some people here will find this extremely weird. If so, this isn't for you. But I know there are others here who will understand what I am talking about. I am willing to post this on a world-wide forum in the hope that it will help someone else here. When we are in the store shopping, it's hard to recognize and deal with all these subtle beliefs and feelings. And of course we have to remember that the store is doing everything they can to entice us to buy. These emotional phenomena we deal with may be barely recognized and understood by us, but I guarantee you there are marketing experts somewhere who understand us better than we understand ourselves! I try to think about that sometimes when I am in a store - it's me versus them! I'm trying to stick with my list while they are trying to play on my emotions and trick me into buying everything they can. The me vs. Them mentality helps! I've rambled enough; I'll go now. (copying Lioness' post now for my wallet.)
|
|
|
Post by Starflower on Mar 24, 2012 10:13:28 GMT -5
There are Gamblers Anon meetings in the city I am moving to, but not Debtors Anon or Clutterers Anon that I know of, either here or there. Seems like the same principles, tho'. My overspending, impulsiveness and over-acquiring certainly can seem to be types of gambling plus ADHD and PTSD. Also like a gambler is the wishful thinking of better outcomes each time I find something new, bringing wonderful, new ideas of happiness, fun and success. This is not actual betting which is so very financially obvious, but it is still a kind of gambling with my finances, my time, my mind, my work, my mental health, my physical health, my relationships, and my life. Casino vs Walmart, the odds are stacked against me at both places... interesting thought! Is there a Walmart Anonymous??? Take care.
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 25, 2012 0:15:34 GMT -5
There are Gamblers Anon meetings in the city I am moving to, but not Debtors Anon or Clutterers Anon that I know of, either here or there. Seems like the same principles, tho'. My overspending, impulsiveness and over-acquiring certainly can seem to be types of gambling plus ADHD and PTSD. Also like a gambler is the wishful thinking of better outcomes each time I find something new, bringing wonderful, new ideas of happiness, fun and success. This is not actual betting which is so very financially obvious, but it is still a kind of gambling with my finances, my time, my mind, my work, my mental health, my physical health, my relationships, and my life. Casino vs Walmart, the odds are stacked against me at both places... interesting thought! Is there a Walmart Anonymous??? Take care. Wal-Mart Anonymous! I recently read an article that suggested ANY 12-Step program would be beneficial for "us" to attend. I would think Gamblers-Anon, AA or Al-Anon would all be good options.
|
|
|
Post by downandout on Mar 25, 2012 0:45:18 GMT -5
i need to join wal-mart anonymous too!! thank you Lioness for posting that and for the brilliant idea!! having a recovery buddy to call would help so much heck just even trying to imagine justifying a purchase to someone else could slow a person down. imagine trying to convince someone on why you must buy that little plant before you buy it! i can do the 2 question thing - do you really need this? and where are you going to put this? on many things just fine by myself. but some items are difficult and having someone to call would be very helpful. yes! intellectually i know that the plant does not feel neglected or forgotten. i know the plant is not sad because someone discarded it for whatever reason. and yet i am compelled to buy it. here is that plant that i bought the other day:
|
|
|
Post by Rory on Mar 25, 2012 2:54:37 GMT -5
I am someone who often finds it difficult to spend money on myself.
This last week I have bought two pairs of trousers so I now have three pairs that fit me apart that is for jogging bottoms. Also I bought two travel books which were on my list to buy. I am writing on my travels and it is helpful for me to read and study good travel writing.
What I did not buy was a large order of stationery. Last time I did I ended up giving some of it away and I am still using up the envelopes.
This is a really good thread so thanks for starting it.
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 25, 2012 15:32:00 GMT -5
Rory, I, too, used to have a hard time spending money on me, even for basic necessities.
I am proud of you for buying the things you need - and for not buying the things you don't need!
I think this thread has the potential to be very beneficial to all of us who have issues around acquiring things.
|
|
|
Post by seashell on Mar 25, 2012 15:57:07 GMT -5
Daye, do you have a link to that article? I had wondered about attending some type of meeting, but aren't they closed, just for people with the particular problem the meeting addresses?
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 25, 2012 16:46:44 GMT -5
Daye, do you have a link to that article? I had wondered about attending some type of meeting, but aren't they closed, just for people with the particular problem the meeting addresses? I'll try to remember where I saw it. Flip through some of my stuff. They have both open and closed meetings. The open meetings are for anyone; the closed meetings are for the people with those specific problems. But as one man with long sobriety in AA pointed out to me, the only requirement for membership is to have a desire not to drink (I believe that's the wording). He said I didn't have to drink, I didn't have to have a drinking problem. All I had to have was a desire to not drink! I thought that was cheating a bit, since I don't and never have been a drinker. But his point was that if the meetings helped me . . . that WAS the only requirement. Al-Anon, to my way of thinking, has a more open, lenient requirement. If your life has been affected by alcohol in some way, you qualify. Doesn't have to be directly affected by a family member or close friend. If alcohol has affected you in ANY way, you can join. That's a pretty loose and open-ended requirement. Idk what the requirements for Gamblers Anonymous are. And then there are on-line and telephone meetings for 12-step programs not in our areas.
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 27, 2012 23:58:13 GMT -5
I went to the feed store today, bought only feed and gasoline. Went to Wal-Mart, bought only items on my list. Took Mother with me, helped her shop. Went to another grocery store, and other than buying a little cake that she likes, I got only what was on the list.
Two things are making this possible: financial constraints, and time constraints. I have not had time to stroll around the store and browse.
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Mar 31, 2012 10:39:34 GMT -5
It's Saturday morning. I'm at the grocery store. Without a list. I picked up, looked at, and put back, a pizza pan. The last time I made pizza from scratch and needed a pan was last century! 1990 something. Then I remembered this thread. This is exactly the scenario I started this thread for. I have bought a loaf of bread. Last week I did not buy bread. Was going to make my own artisan bread at home. Did not eat bread all week. I have bread, brown rice and a jar of artichoke hearts in my basket right now. So far, so good. Now looking at veggies.
|
|