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Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2012 21:13:42 GMT -5
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Post by morningglory on Mar 17, 2012 21:34:53 GMT -5
Thanks for the WOW!
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Post by morningglory on Mar 17, 2012 21:38:30 GMT -5
Hurricane, thanks for the encouraging words. Sometimes people DO need a little push, and I have really appreciated your helping me along in that way!
By the way, I just wrote up my memories about the girl whose correspondence I threw out today. I wrote about the fond memories of our relationship, the difficulties over the years, and the view from a more mature and detached standpoint. Since I threw away the letters, I wanted to make sure I had something to remember it all by. It was two or three pages and I have it in my email. What I wrote explains the highlights of how she had been a part of my young life in a way that I or my kids or anyone else who is interested will be able to read and understand in a few minutes, rather than having to look through a big box of letters (hers only) and figure out what the heck it was all about, if anything. :-)
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Post by morningglory on Mar 18, 2012 10:37:10 GMT -5
It's a new day and I plan on consolidating more files (by sorting out what is essential and tossing everything I can live without). Also want to begin work on that kitchen corner pile, which is currently stacked up with bags and boxes of assorted junk, coats and other clothes, and who knows what. It has been hidden in that pile for months, and I can't even remember what's at the bottom of it--so how important can it be??
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Post by morningglory on Mar 19, 2012 6:55:59 GMT -5
Yesterday I tackled a few things that were emotionally difficult.
One was the medical records of a cat that I had loved very much and been very close to. She had developed chronic urinary problems when she was only about 3 years old, and the vet wanted to "put her down" at that point. Instead, I nursed her along, sometimes doing intensive in-home medical care, and she lived to the age of about 16. But she died over 15 years ago and I still had her records in my file. So it was a big step for me to throw them out. I did pull out about four pages and a small notebook of my own notes in caring for her. I put them into a folder where I am keeping a few personal reminiscences, odds and ends that mean something to me. Maybe I should have let those go, too. But it was a compromise I could live with right now.
I also shredded some tax documents. Was able to do it without too much disturbance, as I have accepted that I won't be helping anyone by saving them.
I sorted out a bunch of my kids' memorabilia. I have been taking their stuff out of file folders, piles, and boxes and putting them into nice plastic bins. I got a bin (with a lid) for each kid, and have their stuff protected and all together in there for them to look at and enjoy. I would like to eventually scan them all in, so we have copies (which could even be used to make fun cards or posters or whatever at some future date), but for now I just want to have them all collected, contained, and protected.
One big benefit I have found with the just-toss-it mentality is that it is much more motivating. The things I described above, which I did sort through and think about and bring myself to let go of (and sorting stuff that I planned to keep--like my kids' stuff), took a l-o-n-g time to get through. It is the dread of how much time it will all take, and how it will be strewn all over the place while I am in the process of sorting, that leads me to put off the desqualoring in the first place.
On the other hand, when I plan to just glance at it and throw it away, I am much more motivated to jump in. I know I will be able to make huge progress in a really short period of time. When I think of all the file folders still in my cabinets, and all the boxes and baskets cluttering up every room in my house, and the big kitchen corner pile, I feel like I cannot WAIT to dive in and just chuck it all!
I realize now that I am not yet ready to simply grab a basket and empty it into the trash. I will spend at least a little time looking at what's in the basket first. But the WAY I am looking at it is what matters. I am looking with the thought, "Is there anything really essential here, anything essential that would be impossible or very difficult to replace, anything that we need and would use right now?" rather than, "What stuff here should I throw away, and what should I store, and what should I give away, and what should I put where I can get to it easily, and what should I put off thinking about until later?" This has simplified the process for me, dramatically.
The progress I have made over the last few days has mostly been on clothing. It is clearly much easier for me to be ruthless with clothes than with paper. That, in itself, is a big step. I remember AGONIZING over throwing away a dress my daughter had received as a hand-me-down, outgrown, and which had snags and had faded! It took the help and support of people here to give me the emotional strength to throw it away, and it was very unsettling to do so. I look back on that as a turning point in my willingness to chuck useless things. NOW I HAVE TO LEARN TO CHUCK POTENTIALLY USEFUL THINGS, in order to make space for things that are really meaningful to me.
I have this thought, as I approach 50, that the first half of my life is drawing to a close (It may be optimistic to consider 50 years to be half of my life, but at least it is realistic to consider it the half-way mark for my ADULT life.) I want to put away all the things from those first 50 years that are no longer relevant so that I can make space for all the things I want to do with the rest of my life. It's not that I expect to fill my house back up with *stuff*, but that getting rid of all these things releases me from the emotional burden and time drain of squalor. I want to be able to have people over and have time to learn new things and be able to move to a new house at some point without having to spend time and money packing and hauling all this junk.
And whether I do live another 50 years or whether it is less than that, at least I will not be leaving behind a house stuffed with useless things for my kids to deal with. Hopefully, instead I will be leaving them with memories of actually being able to have friends over before they grow up, having pleasant and well-maintained rooms to learn, play, work, and relax in.
These thoughts I want to keep in focus in my mind as I increase my momentum on the toss-it-all mentality.
Yesterday I dropped off those big bags of donation clothes. Today we put out the huge bags of throw-away clothes from the basement. :-)
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 19, 2012 7:20:04 GMT -5
(Pssst ... for anyone who missed it, check out what morningglory wrote on her post at the bottom of page three of this thread -- right above the big "WOW" that I gave her. The post regarding letters from an old friend. Totally amazing.)
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Mar 19, 2012 7:23:59 GMT -5
- And now for this morning's glory from morningglory ...Yesterday I tackled a few things that were emotionally difficult.
One was the medical records of a cat that I had loved very much and been very close to. She had developed chronic urinary problems when she was only about 3 years old, and the vet wanted to "put her down" at that point. Instead, I nursed her along, sometimes doing intensive in-home medical care, and she lived to the age of about 16. But she died over 15 years ago and I still had her records in my file. So it was a big step for me to throw them out. I did pull out about four pages and a small notebook of my own notes in caring for her. I put them into a folder where I am keeping a few personal reminiscences, odds and ends that mean something to me. Maybe I should have let those go, too. But it was a compromise I could live with right now. Another bigWOW!!!
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Post by morningglory on Mar 19, 2012 7:47:21 GMT -5
CourageouslyLion, you are making me feel really good with your appreciation, because I know you understand just how hard these things are for me to let go of.
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Post by puppybox on Mar 19, 2012 9:11:12 GMT -5
wow indeed! congratulations on your epiphanies and on your hard work and on your progress. It was inspiring to read and I'm sure I will keep what you wrote in mind. I'm especially impressed with the write up of the letters from your penpal. that's jsut such a great accomplishment.
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 19, 2012 12:29:00 GMT -5
I really like the way you are dealing with things.
And a big WTG for facing it!
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Post by morningglory on Mar 19, 2012 20:26:55 GMT -5
puppybox and dayeanu, thank you again for all the support. It really helps.
Today I was super busy, running around away from the house most of the day. (In fact still folding laundry that I had to do at the laundromat because I have not yet been able to schedule the washing machine repairman. That is obviously top priority now.) Some unexpected things happened that weren't a big deal, but nevertheless seemed to completely drain me. I was surprised at just how exhausted I felt afterwards--about the same as if I had missed three hours of sleep!
But even during such busy days, one thing I have started doing is trying to grab a file folder out of the cabinet when I pass by and throwing it away. I got one thrown out today. Plus put out the big bags from the basement, along with a broken microwave and a broken mirror. There was supposed to be a broken chair going out there, too, but I CAN'T FIND IT!!!
One thing that has added to my stress level is that I feel a bit sabotaged by my husband. I know it's not intentional, but he has said and done several things that would normally have discouraged me. In this case I am so motivated that it hasn't put me off, but it still seems to have taken its toll.
For one thing, when I told him how I was so glad to have made the step of getting rid of things that were difficult to part with, like the cat's medical records, he suggested that we get a scanner and scan in things like that. I know he was well-intentioned with that comment, but it was exactly what I DON'T need--encouragement to take extra time picking out things to scan, taking the time to scan them, taking the time to label them in such a way that I will be able to find them on the computer. Especially when it is almost certainly the case that I will NEVER need to refer to medical records of a cat that passed away in 1996! (I mean, if it took zero time or effort or money to do it, like if some Brownie could scan them in for me while I sleep at night, then I guess it would be nice just to have it available.) Anyway, I would have appreciated a response that was more supportive of my accomplishment, rather than encouraging me to keep hoarding.
Second, he offered to run a stack of documents through our pathetic little shredder for me, but as he did, he examined each sheet and finally found one that he tried to get me to save. It was the title to a vehicle that had been totalled two years ago, and it was an old title that had been replaced because I had changed my name. I gave the real title to the insurance company when they paid me for the vehicle. But to him it must have screamed, "OFFICIAL DOCUMENT - RETAIN"! I really didn't like him going back over things I had already determined to get rid of.
Third, when my daughter and I spent all those hours cleaning up the living room on Saturday, we collected together all his clothing and put it into a basket for him to put away. (It's already very trying for me that he had such a big, overflowing basket worth of clothes strewn around the living room, because his constant refrain is that the children are the ones messing everything up and refuses to see his own very major contribution.) Anyway, he has left that basket sitting there, with the stuff falling out onto the floor and hasn't put any of it away yet.
But the thing that was hardest to deal with was his attitude toward the file boxes I had out on the floor. For months and months, until we cleaned it up on Saturday, the living room was jam-packed with baskets of clothes, trash, books, papers, shoes, and a big bunch of my husband's electronics and work-related items (briefcases, etc.) It was very unpleasant. After we cleaned up, I stacked my file boxes over to the side of the room, out of the middle of the floor, with the intention of beginning to toss again the next day. Sunday morning, before I began to go through the boxes, he acted aggravated every time he stepped through the two-foot space between the boxes and my chair (he could have gone around, as there is an alternate route into the room, although it would have been less convenient). Finally, he told me that it was making him *angry* every time he passed through that area and he wanted me to know how upset he was about it. So I did move things over to make more room (partially blocking the other entrance, which of course he then tried to pass through and got aggravated about). I am bothered that we have been living with a trash pit living room all this time and as soon as I begin to make it nice, he gets actually angry about the inconvenience while I am in process.
Also, he was asking me what my plans are for my file consolidation, meaning do I intend to get rid of one of the file cabinets, etc. It's not that that is so awful for him to wonder, but to me if feels like pressure. I have no freakin' idea what it will turn out to be. It's possible I might get rid of a cabinet, or I might use it to store the kids' memorabilia boxes or whatever. But the main thing is I CANNOT THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. Right now it's taking all I've got to toss this stuff, without having to stop and think about the next step.
In general, I see that he has some of his own hoarding going on, although he will NEVER acknowledge it, and would feel very criticized if I were to point out all the electronic equipment and packaging material and old manuals and all the other junk that is in the basement and garage and attic and living room and dining room and kitchen and bedroom because he refuses to let me throw it away, even though he hasn't touched 99% of it for YEARS. Plus the enormous amount of clothing and shoes he owns, even though he claims he doesn't have anything to wear and that the kids keep stealing his clothes. I finally decided that I would just focus mainly on my stuff and the kids' stuff, then deal with his once everything else is gone.
Additionally, I think he is not currently sensitive to my issues, in part because he has been dealing with a lot of stress, himself, right now, so his focus is on his own issues. That's why I haven't argued or complained to him about the fact that these things are bothering me. I know he is not trying to make it hard for me and that he has his own problems right now.
BUT, it really is a negative pattern that has repeated itself often over the years--I begin to make serious changes and at that precise moment he starts to criticize and get upset about the lack of progress. Now, could it be that on some level he wants things to stay as they are? Just like it is emotionally difficult for me to let go of stuff, maybe it is somehow difficult for him to see things change? Any ideas? (I'm sure this subject must have come up on this forum before.)
My plan for tomorrow is to keep going with the files and to make a bigger dent in the kitchen corner. (I removed some cardboard pieces from the pile today, and began to actually look at what's there, without yet touching it!)
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Post by puppybox on Mar 19, 2012 20:45:43 GMT -5
I have responses to your above post but I think I better keep focused on my cleaning and decluttering.
I wanted to say that I had your previous post in mind when i forced myself to go to the grocerystore- i was agonising over it becuase it becomes an ordeal for me for various reasons. but I though of your "planning to make quick decisions while decluttering" paragraph of your post and decided I could shop that way- it wouldn't work always but I could get by with it this time. and it totalyl worked! whoooo hooooo! thanks!
ok back to work
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Post by Layla on Mar 19, 2012 21:05:55 GMT -5
Morningglory, Im reminded of people who stop an addiction like alcohol, drugs or even people who lose drastic amounts of weight. Often times relationships split up. Great stress occurs, because there is a familiar dynamic when we were are set in our addictions, so when we start to "Get better" and make changes, we rock the boat. We upset the normal routine and what they expect.
Its comfortable and familiar, when you grow it makes them see it, some people start to feel threatened by it, some are bothered as they are facing their own stuff and upset but instead direct it at us.
Which is why a support group and counselor is so important when stopping any addiction, there have been episodes of Hoarders if you have watched it much where the claim is the one spouse is the hoarder and as they start going thru the place they discover the other spouse who has threatened to leave or complained about the state of things, is worse but is saying its the other spouse but sabotages all changes.
So there are some interesting dynamics going on, codepedency and enabling are too big ones.
My own big sister keeps telling me over and over again Im not a hoarder when I share my progress, which bothers me. She keeps saying "But yours is for your business, its your inventory" and Im trying to tell her I have too much stuff, way too much and its upsetting my life, its taken over, I dont need to keep everything. Its in every corner of my house, garage, and yard, side of house and backyard. So I have to remember not to talk to her about all that aspect, because we talk about things we are doing and Im proud of myself, and she will start telling me I dont have a problem and tell me otherwise and that its okay to keep all this stuff, grrrr it doesnt help!
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 19, 2012 21:10:35 GMT -5
Maybe he's afraid that you will discard him, too.
Maybe seeing you change is unnerving and unsettling for him. Maybe he is afraid of you moving into a new and different mindset.
Maybe it highlights his own hoarding issues.
Maybe he is feeling guilty because he isn't/hasn't been doing his part. (I used to have that problem with myself if anyone helped me clean. I felt *I* should do it all - if anyone helped or did part of it, it was a negative reflection on me. . . I no longer feel that way, if anybody wants to come help!)
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Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2012 21:50:42 GMT -5
Morning, only you can decide what you can tolerate in your life and what you won't. By no means am I saying leave your husband...but I am saying if you no longer want to live in trash, then you don't have to.
You continue to do awesome work!!!
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