I am scared to death

[Arid]

P. S. I just took a look at a previous page, and I see that you sometimes have to take prednisone to help treat your asthma. Be mindful of the fact that prednisone REALLY can "do a number" on your moods. It can cause wild mood swings, and in my son's case, he gets downright suicidal on the stuff! (Yes; he has asthma, too. That means that I understand very well that it sometimes is NECESSARY to take that medication, in spite of its many side effects! Also, another of his prescribed medications seriously interfered with his ability to do his school work.) That being the case, your asthma medications may be contributing to your feelings. Perhaps, your doctor could change you to diffferent medications that would cause you fewer issues. Maybe, your doctor would be willing to do this with a simple phone call, and you would be spared the cost of an office visit . . .

Arid

[thisisnotme]

Joy,

If I can make it until this evening, I will get to go spend time with my son's and dil's families. If I'm lucky, one of my granddaughters will notice I'm there, but I must be strong even in that: there will be 2 other sets of grandparents there and probably an aunt...

I've given up diet-cola for the most part, but am going to have one right now. Maybe the fizz and the caffeine will do me some good.

Your message has helped. I've only got a couple more hours until I leave work.

[Script]

Jun 29, 2012 11:08:59 GMT -5 thisisnotme said:

I have pretty much quit crying and am getting a little bit of work done. Maybe I can stay numb.

*yes, work: it helps LOTS OF PEOPLE through LOTS OF MISERY
*but instead of staying NUMB, actively INVITE yourself to remember some scene of some happiness or beauty somewhere
*a trip or a flower or a person or a song: the so-called HAPPY PLACE imagery
*I did this today while REALLY STRUGGLING at the gym
*not because of the exercise, which was bad enough, but because I am feeling very low [memorial service on past weekend opened up a floodgate of grief for me too]
*I let my mind take COMFORT in scenes from CAMPGROUNDS that I have known and loved
*please know you are not alone
xxoo from Script

[thisisnotme]

Paper Grace,

I know that all of us can be oblivious to what's going on around us. It's human nature. It doesn't make any of us "bad" -- even my husband.

What's rough for me is that not only is my husband "oblivious", he works hard at putting up walls in between us. We could have talked last night or this morning, but at home he will sit down in front of the TV with the laptop -- and if I say something, he finds a reason to leave the room.

He came to me to "make up" in my office this morning -- with a coworker sitting on the other side of the door. I told him I didn't want to talk about personal problems at the office.

And I'm empty. I don't look forward to "talking" any more than he does. It's work. And I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg him to give me some consideration.

Fact of the matter is that I started the fight this morning... He said he couldn't find something in the basement & I complained that "no one" wants to help me clean it up. And -- of course -- he ran away...

[thisisnotme]

Arid,

Thank you for the wise and comforting words. I came here because it seems to be a place where people and feelings are valued. You are right about it being difficult to find friends in the "real world". And for me, I probably do have my "quills out"...

[PaperGrace]

Well, we're here, we think about you, we wish good things for you. Even when we're not at the keyboard.

[maggie]

Just stopping to let you know I'm still thinking of you.

[thisisnotme]

Thank you, Script. My heart goes out to you in your grief. I will try to think of some good times... I know that will help.

[thisisnotme]

Thanks again, Maggie & Paper Grace.

I am logging of to try to go home. I won't be online tomorrow as I have to be out of town. And when I'm off work and at home, the dh is usually hogging the laptop.

I'll be back Monday, for sure. Hopefully I'll be in a much better mood!

[thisisnotme]

I'm back -- and want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me get through the day Friday. My dh & I have not talked like I'd like, but at least my anger is a bit more in control. I know that stuffing my feelings down inside is a lot like throwing everything I don't know how to deal with into the basement. But I am battle weary, it seems the only thing that keeps the "mess" out of my face...

I have company coming this afternoon. I told myself I would get the house in order this weekend, but with going out of town, church activities and babysitting, I didn't get much done. My friends are coming to visit US, though -- not to do an inspection. (And they probably won't even look in the basement -- unless they plan to report back to my daughter about my "progress"...)

And what progress have I made in the basement? Not much, sorry to say... But maybe this visit with friends will help build me up and I can "try to try" on Thursday after they leave...

I love you all for letting this be a place I feel like I can be honest. It is so sad to think how isolated we can become...

[joyinvirginia]

Hope you had a nice visit with friends. I think it is important to regularly host something in your home, even a tupperware parry (I think they stillhave those). It gives me motivation to clean, and keeps maintenance on track.

[thisisnotme]

I cried like a baby when my friends left. My girlfriend gave me much needed understanding and support. And I even let her husband go down to the basement and check for mold. (He said the mold we have is not toxic...)

The rest of the week has been catch up. But I am determined to spend a few minutes in the basement this weekend. If I can get to the computer, I'll let you know how it goes. Otherwise, I'll try to get back here Monday!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!