This is for anyone who has given up hope, anyone who feels too overwhelmed, discouraged, defeated or depressed to clean up anything (some excerpts are from an older post):
When you first discover SOS, desperately needing help, or even if you're a long-time member who's struggling, and you read posts where everyone is working, clearing out, tossing away, cleaning, accomplishing all the things you wish you could, it can be motivating – or it can be very discouraging – depending on your past experiences and current state of home and mind. Discouraging, because you may feel like you would NEVER be able to do what some of the members here talk about doing! Sometimes, even just the wording that is used in our posts can be uncomfortable, triggering and paralyzing.
If you’re at that place, this is for you.
I remember a time in my life when I couldn't do even one minute of decluttering. Could not lift a finger to move one thing.
Weeks, even months, had passed and I had not moved one thing; had not committed one act of picking up, throwing away or cleaning. I was truly paralyzed. I would walk around and look at the mess and cry. That was all I could do.
I would wake up in the night and have panic attacks, thinking I was going to die in the mess - that clutter and messes were all my life was going to ever be about. I was afraid I would die without ever having enjoyed life. That I would spend my remaining days battling clutter, and messes and filth. I remember feeling so baffled - thinking that children could declutter my house - (they could carry stuff out and throw it in the trash) - so why couldn't *I* do that? Over the years, I had encountered verbal, emotional and physical abuse because I couldn’t “just clean it up.” It seemed that everyone who mattered to me could not see past my squalor. They hated me for my squalor, and I hated myself. I was deep into self-loathing.
I was at a point of total desperation. Thoughts of some pretty awful options actually crossed my mind. I had really given up all hope.
Finally one day I decided I was going to throw away one thing. Just one thing. That would be my goal for the day. Just toss one thing, no matter how insignificant. There was a pile of trash in the bathroom about two feet deep. I picked up an empty envelope, one that had been opened, and I threw it in the trash. I had met my goal for the day. But then I saw another bit of paper trash in the pile, and threw that away. I kept giving myself permission to just pick up ONE thing, and then I could stop. Not all at once, but later that day, the whole pile was gone.
I'd like to say that was the day it all changed - but we all know me better than that! LOL! BUT I did get some hope back that day. I realized I could do just one thing. And then another.
Things have never been so dark or totally desperate for me again. I have had moments, in the years since then, when I was clean enough to invite people to my home! And gradually, I am making progress.
Now, I am using the BDG method. I am using abstinence from neglecting messes, and making better sub-decisions. (These threads are posted in Favorites) I am able to set a timer and do amazing things, working randomly for 8 minutes. I am addressing the fact that I am addicted to shopping and acquiring. I am making progress.
I may take one step forward and three steps back, I may stop and re-start over and over again, but I have been here long enough to know that as long as I keep coming back here, reading, (and eventually posting), I will keep moving forward.
I have to honestly say that it is getting much easier. I have learned the methods that work for me. By facing my squalor over, and over, and over again, I am now finding it surprisingly easy to get rid of squalor. This was not always the case. There was a time when I had to think about and post here about what I should keep and what needed to go. And then I would put it back and keep it all!
Dr. Gail Steketee, a leading researcher in hoarding, says that we need to deal with our stuff, often item by miniscule item, in order to develop our own rules for “stuff.” She’s right. I apparently have internalized my own rules for stuff, and I am able to sort through and discard unnecessary stuff much easier than in the past.
If you came to my house today, you would definitely question my confidence and my progress. But I AM making progress. Sometimes the progress is apparent in my home; sometimes the progress is in what I have learned by failing over and over. I have made great progress by FAILING, learning, and trying again!
My motto is, “Progress, not perfection.” Any progress we make, EVEN WHEN we fall back and have to do it again and again, moves us that much closer to our goals.
Even just having a “goal" is such a big improvement for me, when I remember the total hopelessness I felt, the days I couldn't move one object. Today, I know that I can do it.
I hope this encourages someone.
Last Edit: Apr 30, 2012 10:36:30 GMT -5 by dayeanu
G-d has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." - Jim Rohn
This is my first post on the board in many months. I made a LOT of progress back then but then I got extremely busy again and instead of at least trying to continue, I had my usual "all-or-nothing" thinking and pretty much gave up completely on cleaning/clutter-cleaning.
I came here for some kind of motivation/inspiration and found this post. It has lifted my spirits a little bit!
I'll have to look into Dr. Gail Skeketee. I've read many articles etc. about hoarding but haven't ever come across what you said that she said, and to me that makes so much sense and really rings true with me. I've watched the TV show "Hoarders" and maybe I shouldn't watch it because it isn't great, but the end results often help to motivate me. But, on that show, it seems as if EVERY time, people throw things out without asking or criticize the hoarder for going through every little tiny thing rather than just throwing out a box of unknown stuff. I would love to walk through the houses of some of those people who are doing the criticizing and randomly grab a bunch of stuff from around their house (including things like money, souveniers, photos, very important papers, garbage, etc.), throw it in a box, and dare them to walk out to a dumpster and toss the box. I doubt many "normal" people could do that, let alone "hoarders"! The idea from Dr. Skeketee makes me think that maybe I'm doing well by going through every little thing and that maybe I will learn something from it.
Anyway, thanks again for the post!
"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing is the wrong thing; and the worst thing you can do is nothing". -- Theodore Roosevelt
"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." -- Henry David Thoreau
Here is her video (It's one hour and 23 minutes long)
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Oops, thanks!
Thank you so much for the link, I'll have to watch it!
"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing is the wrong thing; and the worst thing you can do is nothing". -- Theodore Roosevelt
"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." -- Henry David Thoreau
Here is her video (It's one hour and 23 minutes long)
-
Dear Lioness, thank you for posting that link. I had intended to go back and insert it, but got sidetracked.
G-d has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." - Jim Rohn
This is my first post on the board in many months. I made a LOT of progress back then but then I got extremely busy again and instead of at least trying to continue, I had my usual "all-or-nothing" thinking and pretty much gave up completely on cleaning/clutter-cleaning.
I came here for some kind of motivation/inspiration and found this post. It has lifted my spirits a little bit!
I'll have to look into Dr. Gail Skeketee. I've read many articles etc. about hoarding but haven't ever come across what you said that she said, and to me that makes so much sense and really rings true with me. I've watched the TV show "Hoarders" and maybe I shouldn't watch it because it isn't great, but the end results often help to motivate me. But, on that show, it seems as if EVERY time, people throw things out without asking or criticize the hoarder for going through every little tiny thing rather than just throwing out a box of unknown stuff. I would love to walk through the houses of some of those people who are doing the criticizing and randomly grab a bunch of stuff from around their house (including things like money, souveniers, photos, very important papers, garbage, etc.), throw it in a box, and dare them to walk out to a dumpster and toss the box. I doubt many "normal" people could do that, let alone "hoarders"! The idea from Dr. Skeketee makes me think that maybe I'm doing well by going through every little thing and that maybe I will learn something from it.
Anyway, thanks again for the post!
Messyme, I'm so glad you could get a little encouragement from my post.
I have no idea whether this applies to you or not, but it very much applies to me. Sometimes, some of us have been subjected to a great deal of criticism and unkindness (and worse) about the state of our homes. After years of condemnation from our loved ones, we begin to heap it on ourselves, too. We begin to believe that we must be all the things that are said to us, because no matter how badly we want to, we can't seem to make any real progress. I have spent a lot of years reaping condemnation of all manner, and ultimately talking very badly to myself because of my squalor. Of course, this did not help - it only made me feel more defeated and less capable.
After years of carefully honing my skills of self-criticism, it was very easy to come here, read about everyone having great success, compare my repeated failures to their successes, and use my skills at self-bashing to further beat myself down. It is nearly impossible to make progress when you're beat down.
I actually learned about the importance of self-love by reading Flylady's messages; that negative self-talk is counter-productive. I learned about Finally Loving Yourself, and why being kind to myself works better than all the critical, negative self-talk when I am trying to desqualor my home.
Of course, not everyone comes here from the same background or experience level, or squalor level for that matter. I'm always very happy for people who are able to come here and immediately make significant progress.
I just wanted to write this for everyone else - the ones who, like me, come here so beat down by their squalor, and the abuse and rejection it has garnered them, that they cannot do much of anything.
I just want to tell them that it's ok. Healing of any sort always takes time. It is a process. Stick around, and you WILL begin to heal. Stick around, and you WILL find a way that works for you.
Last Edit: Apr 30, 2012 12:54:02 GMT -5 by dayeanu
G-d has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." - Jim Rohn
This is my first post on the board in many months. I made a LOT of progress back then but then I got extremely busy again and instead of at least trying to continue, I had my usual "all-or-nothing" thinking and pretty much gave up completely on cleaning/clutter-cleaning.
I came here for some kind of motivation/inspiration and found this post. It has lifted my spirits a little bit!
I'll have to look into Dr. Gail Skeketee. I've read many articles etc. about hoarding but haven't ever come across what you said that she said, and to me that makes so much sense and really rings true with me. I've watched the TV show "Hoarders" and maybe I shouldn't watch it because it isn't great, but the end results often help to motivate me. But, on that show, it seems as if EVERY time, people throw things out without asking or criticize the hoarder for going through every little tiny thing rather than just throwing out a box of unknown stuff. I would love to walk through the houses of some of those people who are doing the criticizing and randomly grab a bunch of stuff from around their house (including things like money, souveniers, photos, very important papers, garbage, etc.), throw it in a box, and dare them to walk out to a dumpster and toss the box. I doubt many "normal" people could do that, let alone "hoarders"! The idea from Dr. Skeketee makes me think that maybe I'm doing well by going through every little thing and that maybe I will learn something from it.
Anyway, thanks again for the post!
Messyme, I'm so glad you could get a little encouragement from my post.
I have no idea whether this applies to you or not, but it very much applies to me. Sometimes, some of us have been subjected to a great deal of criticism and unkindness (and worse) about the state of our homes. After years of condemnation from our loved ones, we begin to heap it on ourselves, too. We begin to believe that we must be all the things that are said to us, because no matter how badly we want to, we can't seem to make any real progress. I have spent a lot of years reaping condemnation of all manner, and ultimately talking very badly to myself because of my squalor. Of course, this did not help - it only made me feel more defeated and less capable.
After years of carefully honing my skills of self-criticism, it was very easy to come here, read about everyone having great success, compare my repeated failures to their successes, and use my skills at self-bashing to further beat myself down. It is nearly impossible to make progress when you're beat down.
I actually learned about the importance of self-love by reading Flylady's messages; that negative self-talk is counter-productive. I learned about Finally Loving Yourself, and why being kind to myself works better than all the critical, negative self-talk when I am trying to desqualor my home.
Of course, not everyone comes here from the same background or experience level, or squalor level for that matter. I'm always very happy for people who are able to come here and immediately make significant progress.
I just wanted to write this for everyone else - the ones who, like me, come here so beat down by their squalor, and the abuse and rejection it has garnered them, that they cannot do much of anything.
I just want to tell them that it's ok. Healing of any sort always takes time. It is a process. Stick around, and you WILL begin to heal. Stick around, and you WILL find a way that works for you.
I heard someone say that "self-esteem is the reputation you have within yourself". I love that quote because that is what I feel like -- the bad reputation comes partly from other people, but also from my past actions (ex: losing things in clutter and therefore "giving myself" a reputation of being irresponsible). When people get to know someone, they (subconsciously) look at their past actions, etc. and think about what kind of a person they are (ex: would I want this person to work for me, to babysit my children, could I trust this person, etc.). So when I look at my past, I see the squalor and the inability to get past it, and I judge myself based on that -- it's my "reputation" that I have. I know there's more to me than my past failures or judgements by other people, but often that's just what I see. So, I do understand what you're talking about.
Also, related to that -- I know that even though I feel horrible, once I start really cleaning/de-cluttering I'll feel better because I'll feel less guilty. I remember when I wanted to lose weight, I felt awful about my body and always hid it by wearing all black, looser clothing, etc. When I went to the gym and worked out and ate well, though, I surprised myself by feeling comfortable in capri leggings and a fitted tank top. I guess one reason I didn't feel comfortable in my body before wasn't just because I was overweight, but because it reminded me of the fact that I wasn't doing anything about it. The minute I did, that changed a lot.
I do tend to use much more negative self-talk when cleaning/de-cluttering though, than positive. For me, I think most of that comes from my mother. She was a nice enough person and everyone who met her adored her, but with me she was always extremely controlling, judgemental and critical. She still is! Almost without fail, from the time I was a child, I'd end up in a bad mood whenever I talked to her (or she talked to me). I remember when I was about 19 and only had a high school diploma, and decided to go back to school. I talked about that with my boyfriend at the time. He of course thought it was a great idea, and was eager for me to tell my mom, thinking she'd think it was a great idea too (how could she not?) She surprised him by rolling her eyes and bringing up all the negative things about it! I was not surprised; she always seemed to find the bad in everything. Thanks for the reminder not to do this to myself! I'll try some positive self-talk instead.
"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing is the wrong thing; and the worst thing you can do is nothing". -- Theodore Roosevelt
"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run." -- Henry David Thoreau
The negative self talk is so draining and exhausting. Learning to hear it and challenge it is a habit that we can develop - just as we pick up one piece of trash and question whether we really need it.
(That Hoarders show - I've recently watched some of it on YouTube, and it feels so exploitative and immoral to me. Ugh.)
*~*~* It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiney day. *~*~*
Post by upintheair on Apr 30, 2012 17:11:54 GMT -5
I completely identify with this story. Nobody else understands. It is SO refreshing to meet all of you!
"Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." ~Albert Einstein[/font][/i]
I completely identify with this story. Nobody else understands. It is SO refreshing to meet all of you!
Upintheair, I am SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE!
G-d has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." - Jim Rohn
Daye, Your original post on this thread was so encouraging for many people---me too---& written very kindly. You are such an asset to this board. catcat
G-d has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." - Jim Rohn
I heard someone say that "self-esteem is the reputation you have within yourself". I love that quote because that is what I feel like -- the bad reputation comes partly from other people, but also from my past actions (ex: losing things in clutter and therefore "giving myself" a reputation of being irresponsible). When people get to know someone, they (subconsciously) look at their past actions, etc. and think about what kind of a person they are (ex: would I want this person to work for me, to babysit my children, could I trust this person, etc.). So when I look at my past, I see the squalor and the inability to get past it, and I judge myself based on that -- it's my "reputation" that I have. I know there's more to me than my past failures or judgements by other people, but often that's just what I see. So, I do understand what you're talking about.
Also, related to that -- I know that even though I feel horrible, once I start really cleaning/de-cluttering I'll feel better because I'll feel less guilty. I remember when I wanted to lose weight, I felt awful about my body and always hid it by wearing all black, looser clothing, etc. When I went to the gym and worked out and ate well, though, I surprised myself by feeling comfortable in capri leggings and a fitted tank top. I guess one reason I didn't feel comfortable in my body before wasn't just because I was overweight, but because it reminded me of the fact that I wasn't doing anything about it. The minute I did, that changed a lot.
I do tend to use much more negative self-talk when cleaning/de-cluttering though, than positive. For me, I think most of that comes from my mother. She was a nice enough person and everyone who met her adored her, but with me she was always extremely controlling, judgemental and critical. She still is! Almost without fail, from the time I was a child, I'd end up in a bad mood whenever I talked to her (or she talked to me). I remember when I was about 19 and only had a high school diploma, and decided to go back to school. I talked about that with my boyfriend at the time. He of course thought it was a great idea, and was eager for me to tell my mom, thinking she'd think it was a great idea too (how could she not?) She surprised him by rolling her eyes and bringing up all the negative things about it! I was not surprised; she always seemed to find the bad in everything. Thanks for the reminder not to do this to myself! I'll try some positive self-talk instead.
This is a very insightful post. I had never thought of self-esteem as the reputation we give ourselves. Very profound! Yes, Inhave given myself a bad reputation, being careless and wasteful and irresponsible with stuff. But I need to be sure I don't overlook my good reputation, too. The one where I'm kind and caring and responsible with people and animals. When we spend so much time being punished for our squalor, it's easy to forget that there's more to us than that!
Also, knowing you feel better when you *know* you're doing something about your clutter, or weight, or whatever the issue is. Very good insight. And something we can do to feel better about ourselves right now.
I have been surprised at how much negative self-talk I inflict on myself. I try not to, but the other day, I found myself scolding and fussing at myself, callin myself bad names because of my mess. I am sure I do it much more than I realize. Too bad I can't tape record my thoughts. All that fussing and scolding and critizing myself can't be helping me at all.
G-d has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. II Timothy 1:7
"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." - Jim Rohn
I went to bed with work undone.