I've plucked up the courage to say hi!

[womble]

Dreaming good luck with your fresh start

WIT's- if you click on "Home" at the top and then there is a section called listzilla, WIT's has a new thread there daily, I usually click "latest" which gives you active threads as its usually towards the top, hope i've explained that ok

Heres a quick link

takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=action&action=display&thread=18040

You can also use live chat which is also along the top there, they do challenges, which are helpful for getting moving.

Do you give the kids pocket money or give them lifts? I have two older teens that I used to do everything for, I've by no means sussed it, but I'm trying. I've stopped ironing for eldest, I do her washing, but I expect her to then do a couple of things for me and youngest doesn't get pocket money unless she does a minimum. They also are both expected to cook one dinner a week, I've gone a bit soft on that so will have to start again after exams are finished. I still have to nag and do the "I'm not your slave" routine too though, but its the only thing that gets something done.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but are the financial problems because of your partner playing poker?

[dreamingofchange]

Thank you so much for your great explanation. I'm late for work today as I've been on here all morning but I don't care, I'm self employed so no boss which is great-just a few irate customers when their parcels are delivered late-stuff them LOL
I've had a 15 minute talk with my oldest son about the laundry-he is eager to help-he says when the younger ones come in from school they will all sort out the mountain and put what is theirs in their own baskets and I will show them how to use the washing machine. The idea is they all have their own washing days maybe twice each per week and they will all take responsibility for washing and drying and putting away their own clothes-I'm going to make this work. They will decide which two days suit them and we will see how it goes. Maybe one washes and dries on a Monday and Thursday and another washes and dries on a Tuesday and Friday etc. I'm feeling stronger, empowered, hopefull, excited-who in their right mind would get excited at laundry LOL-thanks so much to you all, It's early days. I once opened up to my sister in law about being exhausted, the kids doing nothing and my house being a mess but she shouted me down telling me it was my own fault that it was all down to me to get the kids to help and to stop moaning and get something done. It set me back greatly and I felt so bad and guilty that I never mentioned it again to anyone and lost any motivation that I had-I think I was just looking for a bit of encouragement but I've got that and more here so thank you all from the bottom of my washing pile . xxxxxxxxxx

[Sunshine]

May 10, 2012 6:18:51 GMT -5 dreamingofchange said:

thank you all from the bottom of my washing pile . xxxxxxxxxx

Great stuff with your son and the plan - good luck!! Have a great day

[dreamingofchange]

Hi Womble
Thanks for your info, you have explained it perfectly-I'll certainly give WIT a try-looks great. The financial problems are more about I have bought this house we are in just now instead of renting from the council-it's been so much money to have it upgraded, it needed new gas central heating, rewired and I've had a loft conversion done for the boys, 3 bedrooms and shower room upstairs. I have saved for over 20 years for this and it's now reality it's so perfect-that is why I'm determined it won't be like my other place which was 2nd degree everywhere and maybe the one bathroom slipping into 3rd occasionally with all the boys not aiming straight and it not being cleaned up often enough. My partner has a gambling problem but so far has it under control, he plays free games and occasionally spends a pound or two on a "real" games. It's more of a paper mountain that's the problem with lost bills, lost forms to fill in and I'm sticking my head in the sand and know that is a priority too that I need to get to. Things like forms for council tax rebate which I'm entitled to are not being filled in and I'm losing money. I've still not changed addresses for some of my banks from Christmas which have some savings in and I'm worried the statements fall into the wrong hands etc as everyone knows there is so much to do and just not enough time! So nothing gets done. I will take things a step at a time and try and get the important thing done at the weekend, I'm off work Saturday and Sunday so hope to pull a pile of papars and nuckle down.
As always big hugs and thanks xxx

[PaperGrace]

Welcome dreamingofchange!

One thing I've learned living with Manchildren over the years is that they will help if you make things fool proof. Rather than expecting them to get things to the trash can I've had to bring the trash can to them

I had a wastebasket at each of our old roommates computer desks, as rolling their chairs a couple of feet to the one they were meant to share just didn't happen. You can roll the top of a paper grocery bag, or put a little plastic bag in a small cardboard box and place it wherever trash is usually dropped, even if that means one at each side of the couch and every chair. Once putting the trash into a container becomes a habit you can remove some if you want to.

I used to think that having to 'train' grown men to do things they are old enough to know better about was a completely unreasonable duty. I also felt like it must be insulting to them to be manipulated/treated like children. I used to really resent the fact that the men in my life act like they deserve a medal for doing one thing once in a while. I no longer feel that way. Go ahead and give them the praise, they won't need it forever. Give yourself just as many kudos and high fives though! In fact treating myself like a child is having great results. When I get to celebrate every tiny success I have it makes me want to do more. And when self praise doesn't buoy me up I can come here to be lavished with smiley faces and dancing cows. It sounds silly, but it really does help.

[ramatama]

Welcome dreamingofchange!

Sounds like you have found the place to let off steam, get advice and get encouragement to keep going.

I have a little advice for you, perhaps you'll like it.
Find a place, maybe a drawer that is not filled yet, or a clearly labeled box that you place so that it doesn't get misplaced, or even just a bag hanging from a clothes hanger in your closet (?) (whatever works for you) and begin to put every bill you come across into that space. Maybe you could ask one of your sons to help you find anything that looks like a bill and bring it to you. Keep doing this for several days, then aim to get the most urgent bills taken care of.

Keep putting all things of a financial nature in one place. Let the boys ( of all ages ) know that they are to hand you everything that looks like a bill and/or put it into designated space.

Is your DH aware of his gambling problem?, if yes, willing to do anything about it?
Am thinking about the poor example he is giving to the boys. But that is an entirely different issue.
Wish I could give you some advice to motivate your sons to help out, but I failed miserably getting my own DD to help us out. Sending her abroad for a year helped temporarily, (lasted 6 months) but she did learn to do her own laundry and shop for groceries while away.

Once again, Welcome.

[messymimi]

Welcome, Dreaming of Change!

Here you can find ways to make your dream come true.

It's good to have you here.

messymimi

[CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity]

Here is a tool for people with
an addiction to online gaming
(such as "world of warcraft" etc)

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with those games.
The problem is only when the games become an obsession and you forget that you have a life outside the games with family, friends, job, and responsibilities.

www.olganon.org

That website has also has support for
family members of the "gaming addicts".

I realize that your partner's online poker addiction
is more "gambling" than "gaming".
But a lot of the same concepts apply.

There is also "gam-anon"
which is for loved ones of compulsive gamblers.
You can write to them for advice here:
www.gam-anon.org/qas.htm
they have their mailing address at bottom of page.
You can also email them at the link at top of page.

-

[messyme]

I totally understand you being soft with the kids, letting things slide. I'm horribly inconsistent with mine; one day I'll make a chore list and then after a few days it fizzles away... They're getting old enough now though that I know I need to be more consistent!

Also about not having the energy to get the kids to help -- again, I can totally relate! It'll probably be MORE work for you at first, but then after a while, you'll see a big change if you're consistent in making sure they follow through every single day. I know from experience that's MUCH easier said than done, but think of it as an investment -- if you work had to get them into good habits and routines for a few weeks, after that things will get SO much easier. And, not only will things be easier for you, but for the kids when they get older and are ready to live on their own, or take on more responsibility and independence. We're not being "nice" to them by cleaning up after them -- we're actually doing them a disservice.

For your boy with Autism -- although he may need more guidance at first, after a while (ex: a few weeks) of doing the same things every day, he should do very well with a routine. Maybe illustrate it for him; I did that for my daughter, for getting ready for school every day. She is not disabled but tends to get distracted or forgetful, and daydreams! So I had a list with every detail, like "brush teeth" "get dressed" "eat breakfast" etc. in order. She would just follow along with the list/pictures and if she didn't know what to do or was doing nothing, I'd just ask her to "look at the list" and I wouldn't have to keep track of what she had or hadn't done; it was much easier to just say "follow the list" instead of "brush your teeth" "did you brush your teeth?" "don't forget your bag" etc.

As far as your partner -- even if he's "good" with your daughter, what kind of example is he setting/message is he sending? The kids will think that a man's job is to come home from work and sit around playing on the computer while the woman works hard cleaning up after everyone. Even if he just had a few small tasks like making sure the kids all got the food in the fridge and their plates etc. into the kitchen and starting the dishwasher, and having everyone (including himself) gather up all the dirty clothes and starting the washer, when you got home you'd just have to unload the clean dishes and put the wash into the dryer or hang it. Eventually maybe he could do more.

You can do it!

[CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity]

Have you read Fivecat's story?
takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=intro&action=display&thread=123

[dreamingofchange]

Hi Everyone
Sorry it's taking me so long to reply. I so look forward to turning the PC on and reading all the encouragement and tips, they are certainly helping. I just have so little time to go through them all thoroughly! I'm off work this weekend-yipee! I'll have another read through them all-I've got plans and motivation so hopefully some important things will get done. Hugs and thanks as always xxxx

[boop]

Hi dreamingofchange, Isn't this forum fabulous? It feels weird welcoming people when I'm so new myself, nevertheless - Welcome!

[dreamingofchange]

Hi Boop so nice of you to take the time to welcome me-I feel the same as I posted a message on your intro page too . I'm a bit of a novice on the computer and still learning my way around the forum but think I'm getting there. It's fabulous to know that others understand our ways or lack of them . I've had more determination than I've had in years in the short time I've been here. Hope you'll benefit the same-Really looking forward to hearing about your successess? Spelling not so good, . Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[dayeanu]

May 9, 2012 17:17:32 GMT -5 dreamingofchange said:

Thank you-I've so much going on (like most of the girls and guys here) I'm not sure where to start or what to talk about! I think if I start talking I won't stop I don't have anyone I can talk to-I'm the strong one where everyone comes to me. I do for everyone, I'm the rock, the carer, the sorter of problems, the cheery one, the one with never ending energy, the always on the go for other people. I'm exhausted, broken and lonely and my house is a tip LOL

I just want to insert a disclaimer here: This is not me, using an alternate ID.

Welcome to the board. Rest assured you are not alone!

[PaperGrace]

May 11, 2012 17:18:11 GMT -5 dayeanu said:

May 9, 2012 17:17:32 GMT -5 dreamingofchange said:

Thank you-I've so much going on (like most of the girls and guys here) I'm not sure where to start or what to talk about! I think if I start talking I won't stop I don't have anyone I can talk to-I'm the strong one where everyone comes to me. I do for everyone, I'm the rock, the carer, the sorter of problems, the cheery one, the one with never ending energy, the always on the go for other people. I'm exhausted, broken and lonely and my house is a tip LOL

I just want to insert a disclaimer here: This is not me, using an alternate ID.

Welcome to the board. Rest assured you are not alone!

I know! This could have been so many of us in disguise, but especially Day!