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Post by dreamingofchange on May 15, 2012 12:21:18 GMT -5
 Hi everyone, hope you are well, have energy and motivation. Getting rid of "Stuff"?  Why is this so difficult for many of us? We want a clean clutter free home but struggle to get rid of the cause-I find this fascinating-I've improved greatly over the months and can you believe? Didn't realise I had a problem being attached to things but I did. I have donated all my Mother's books which I have had since she passed away 5 years ago-she loved books and I felt I couldn't but I rarely read as I didn't have the time. I thought about what my Mother would say about the books and I laughed, of course she would tell me to chuck them so I took them to the book bank  -loads and loads of them and this is where I started decluttering and thinking about the words below helped, hope they help you too. Don't be sad or upset about losing something that can't love you back. Hugs xxxxxxxxx 
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Post by dayeanu on May 15, 2012 17:36:12 GMT -5
Hi everyone, hope you are well, have energy and motivation. Getting rid of "Stuff"? Why is this so difficult for many of us? We want a clean clutter free home but struggle to get rid of the cause-I find this fascinating-I've improved greatly over the months and can you believe? Didn't realise I had a problem being attached to things but I did. I have donated all my Mother's books which I have had since she passed away 5 years ago-she loved books and I felt I couldn't but I rarely read as I didn't have the time. I thought about what my Mother would say about the books and I laughed, of course she would tell me to chuck them so I took them to the book bank -loads and loads of them and this is where I started decluttering and thinking about the words below helped, hope they help you too. Don't be sad or upset about losing something that can't love you back. Hugs xxxxxxxxx Good for you, for being able to donate the books! I am a sentimental person, and I know that's a hard thing to do. I think a lot of people are hoarders, but don't realize it. For years, I thought I was just really, really messy. Squalorous, even. Because I could throw away obvious trash, and did not seem to be as severely attached to my belongings as some people, I thought I was not a hoarder. I have now come to realize that hoarding is just like any other disorder - there are stages and degrees. The symptoms vary and the intensity varies from person to person. And I have come to realize that I AM a hoarder. One thing I have read over and over about hoarders is that they become hoarders after suffering a loss/losses, or because they did not have anyone in their early life to depend on, be loved by, or "attach" to, and so they attached to stuff. That description fits me pretty well. IMO, for me - living in squalor and hoarding are really just symptoms of a lot of deeply rooted issues that go way back in my life. I think a lot of things on the inside of me need to heal in order for me to get (and keep) the outside in shape with any ease or consistency. Having cleaned everything out, and having been cleaned out, I have come face to face with that reality. It's not just about getting rid of stuff; it's about changing long-held beliefs. Realizing that has lessened my self-contempt at not being able to "just throw it out," or "just clean it up." Changing the focus of our attachments means not only getting rid of the stuff to which we have been emotionally attached at many levels, but also finding new attachments and becoming comfortable with them as replacements for our old attachments. Of course it can be done, but I think it's not a particularly fast or easy undertaking. |
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Post by TheCatsMother on May 17, 2012 12:37:04 GMT -5
This is an incredibly useful thread. I am getting rid of stuff but sometimes it feels very hard. There is a particular item that used to belong to my parents and which I may well need to let go of in the next few months. It isn't something I want to do but at the end of the day whatever significance I attach to it, it is an inanimate object and can't love me back. I need to remind myself of that.
I have always had a tendency to anthropomorphise objects, which doesn't help with my decluttering. I always think that if I could make the effort to clean, assemble, display, mend or whatever, the object could somehow achieve its potential and that it's totally unfair and wrong to consign things to the bin - even if they're beyond practical hope of mending.
I felt quite good about taking a whole bag of shoes to the charity shop earlier - but that was because I felt I was giving the shoes a new lease of life. Life for those shoes wasn't going anywhere, they were lying forgotten in my cluttered bedroom, not being worn because they had become too uncomfortable on my increasingly flat, misshapen buniony feet!
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Post by dayeanu on May 18, 2012 10:06:01 GMT -5
This is an incredibly useful thread. I am getting rid of stuff but sometimes it feels very hard. There is a particular item that used to belong to my parents and which I may well need to let go of in the next few months. It isn't something I want to do but at the end of the day whatever significance I attach to it, it is an inanimate object and can't love me back. I need to remind myself of that. I have always had a tendency to anthropomorphise objects, which doesn't help with my decluttering. I always think that if I could make the effort to clean, assemble, display, mend or whatever, the object could somehow achieve its potential and that it's totally unfair and wrong to consign things to the bin - even if they're beyond practical hope of mending. I felt quite good about taking a whole bag of shoes to the charity shop earlier - but that was because I felt I was giving the shoes a new lease of life. Life for those shoes wasn't going anywhere, they were lying forgotten in my cluttered bedroom, not being worn because they had become too uncomfortable on my increasingly flat, misshapen buniony feet! I have always done that, too - assigned feelings to things. I was probably in my late 40's or 50's before I read a statement in a book that slapped mr right between the eyes. The author said, "that old Teddy bear doesn't love you. It's just fabric and tread and stuffing." Now, as a woman of my age and intelligence - of course I knew that. But apparently, ever since I was a tiny child, I had comforted myself by thinking of these "things" as having feelings and personalities. They were almost like idols to me. I guess it kept me from feeling lonely and abandoned. After the reality of it all settled in, I also realized that I transferred a lot of my hurts and needs to these objects. I tried to treat things as I longed to be treated. I wanted to be cherished and accepted; I wanted to be given another chance, and loved even wih my flaws and imperfections. I was treating these things that same way. These onjects were being used to fill deep, basic human needs. As a tiny child, I didn't have the ability to reason, or many options from which to choose. Now, I realize there are better ways to get my emotional needs met, I have skills and and I have options from which to choose, that I didn't have as a child. I gradually came to see that objects were just that --- tools for us to use to make our lives easier and better. Later --- I came to realize that when I no longer needed a tool, I should either pass it along for someone else to use, or dispose of it. But this was a matter of personal growth and emotional development that I had to evolve into. Even after the shocking revelations that this was just stuff, tools to use, devoid of any feelings, it still was a well-entrenched habit that had to be overcome. And at a more shallow level, some of this stuff represented my identity, and my dreams and plans for the future. I am still coming to grips with that. I have things for a life I someday want (or wanted) to live. This is why just getting rid of stuff will never solve the problem, and often makes it worse. When a person's personal safety and security have been tied to "things" for most of their life, when their self-worth and dreams for a future life are invested in this stuff, you can't just get rid of it and expect them to move on in a healthy way. For many of us, it's something we have to grow into. I do believe that handling our items one by one, dealing with our feelings and emotions gradually and respectfully, is the only way it will work for some/many of us. For some of us, it's not just a simple matter of loving our stuff too much. It's much more complicated and complex and involved than that. |
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Post by TheCatsMother on May 28, 2012 15:57:35 GMT -5
I gradually came to see that objects were just that --- tools for us to use to make our lives easier and better. Later --- I came to realize that when I no longer needed a tool, I should either pass it along for someone else to use, or dispose of it. But this was a matter of personal growth and emotional development that I had to evolve into. Even after the shocking revelations that this was just stuff, tools to use, devoid of any feelings, it still was a well-entrenched habit that had to be overcome. And how . I had a really bad moment today - at work I felt tears come into my eyes over a flipping bag that i binned this morning! It was a pretty orange and pink bag; very summery, but the fabric handle had become so worn it was incredibly tatty and ruined the look of the thing. It got like that several years ago and it had been lying at the bottom of my wardrobe. I had vague hopes of somehow repairing the handle and finally told myself at the weekend that really wasn't going to happen. So I binned it. And suddenly had such a hideous blast of conscience about consigning it for eternity to landfill - such a horrible fate for such a harmless and pretty bag whose only fault was not looking perfect... from over-use by me! I'm feeling it all again now... no wonder I get all cluttered up. No, it is not a sentient being, it's made of material. It does not feel betrayal. I have not betrayed it. |
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Post by psquared04 on May 28, 2012 18:21:51 GMT -5
I am sentimental, but not by a lot. My problem is the fear of not having something I need. I'm sure many of you will know exactly what I mean.
I have a good 50 matched pairs of socks. I have a tote bag nearly full of unmatched socks. After all the laundry is washed, I will toss those whose mates are never found. The question is, why do I have socks whose mates have been missing for years? Well, no one sees my socks half the time, so I don't need to match.
I have two desktop organizers crammed full of pens and pencils. I can't bring myself to toss any because they still work. One day I might need to write a check or a grocery list and won't have a pen. Where will I be? Of late, I've been giving them to delivery people if they say, "I don't have a pen." That has actually helped minimize it. Then again, I asked for new pens last Christmas. What was I thinking?! I mean, sure, they're pretty and all, but really?
Those are the two big things I acquire and hoard. I'm fine with nearly everything else. And, hey! I've now gotten to the point where I staunchly refuse to acquire anymore of either and I'm willing to get rid of some.
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Post by TheCatsMother on Jun 21, 2012 16:32:01 GMT -5
This is an incredibly useful thread. I am getting rid of stuff but sometimes it feels very hard. There is a particular item that used to belong to my parents and which I may well need to let go of in the next few months. It isn't something I want to do but at the end of the day whatever significance I attach to it, it is an inanimate object and can't love me back. I need to remind myself of that. This is a difficult one. Today I had to do the deed. I wrapped this object up, not clutter, not worthless, but yet an object, and took it away to be sold. It had to be done. I cried all the way through the transaction and I had to go through with it. It was the responsible thing to do. I have known for a while I would have to do it. I'm still crying - but it isn't. It doesn't love me back and it doesn't miss me. |
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Post by catcat on Jun 23, 2012 0:24:14 GMT -5
To TheCatsMother---It must have been terribly hard for you. I hope you feel better.
catcat
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Post by TheCatsMother on Jun 23, 2012 16:00:50 GMT -5
Thank you Catcat. You were very brave letting Boris go |
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