I'm living a double life and need help!

[einsteinsdesk]

Hi Beadgurrl,
You certainly have amnesty to throw things away. That charger? you can replace it if you need to. It's not unique. It's not the only one in the whole world. You have amnesty to throw out as much and as many things as possible.

The key is progress, not perfection. Give yourself a pat on the back for making progress, don't beat yourself up when it's not perfect. I know, it's easier said than done. Just try to be aware of your thinking and actively work to change it. Perfect is the enemy of the good enough. Good enough will get you through and allow you to concentrate on what you really want out of life.

[babz25]

Beadgurrl...everyone told me about amnesty also, when I first started getting rid of things but I never really was able to do it until I decided that whatever the cost of the items that I got rid of, whatever I needed to replace, whatever I would be without as a result of having a beautiful home WAS THE COST OF HAVING A BEAUTIFUL HOME. As soon as I realized that, I realized that the few dollars something might be worth was not worth the cost of having my children and my husband and myself living in filth.

[flymomrn]

Jul 1, 2012 10:22:08 GMT -5 beadgurrl said:

Thank you Womble and So
I am looking into the link you provided. I guess a lot of my problems lie with sorting. I get over technical and have a box for everything (keep in mind- I have way too many items for one house or one family so sorting into boxes starts off with similar items in one box and then I need 2 boxes to put the items in, and then I may sort those boxes into their own specific categories)

I know I need to throw things out and can't keep the charger for a device I know I still own but will never find it within the next few weeks. So do I keep it in order to match it up? Do I throw it out? Do I put it in a box on the side of the street free for anyone to take? I can't do a garage sale even though I would make tons of money- that takes time, effort and organization.

None of our CDs are in the case- so I will find an empty case and put it in a box reserved for empty cases and I have another box for cds (or dvds/or computer games/xbox games ) with no case in hopes to match them up. I know this is a waste of my time. I guess I should throw out any empty case and just keep the cd/dvd/computer game?

I guess I need someone to tell me its ok to throw that out, or maybe I need to buy a book shelf for those books that don't have a home- (I do need to buy a book shelf- and some other furniture items to put things where they belong)

I like to read messages because I can go back to them to reassure myself that I am doing the right thing. At this point, I most likely need to clean, clean clean and throw out many things to empty out this house for other people to live in.

Hi Beadgurl. I use a binder or CD/DVD storage unit that is compact and does not use the boxes. It takes up a lot less time, space and hassle to store and find the disks.
It is ok to throw things away. Amnesty rules. Just bite the bullet and keep repeating that it is just stuff and people are more important than stuff. It is hard, but I know that I never miss stuff once it is gone (to be honest, I am never sure what is here to begin with as there is too much junk to start with)

[PaperGrace]

Jul 1, 2012 8:47:18 GMT -5 beadgurrl said:

Hi! I am sinking in NY right now-

I have often wondered if there were any people like myself that lived near me- I would let them in to help clean-but never anyone "normal" or anyone from my area that knew me or my family. I wish there were ways to connect online to other people to help each other out.

I wish I drove. I'd come and help out! I am the go to girl for crisis cleaning when my friends move out of an apartment and have to have everything scrubbed to the bones. I clean while they pack.

I wish it weren't so scary to put yourself out there on the internet, or I would totally suggest posting an "If you're within XX miles of Blanktown I could really use the help! Will repay in kind at a later date!" post here or at other sites where there are messies.

[beadgurrl]

I know I only have about 20 days to get things in order- but I know I can make good headway with it.

The major things are just cleaning things up and vacuuming, disinfecting, and throwing out useless things that are piled up everywhere. The really crazy thing? I am sure you will all agree with this regarding yourselves- but I am very smart, I know right from wrong, I know how "normal" is supposed to look, and I know what "normal" people do to keep up in life.

I sit back and look at things and wonder how I got here- although I know the path my life has taken over the past 7 years- and by trying to keep my head above water, the house was the least important and the first thing to let go-

And then it just kept piling up, procrastination, anxiety, ignoring the obvious. I am amazing at ignoring things- I mean- I know that my brain can only handle so much stress- so when I used to come home, stressed from work, going through a divorce, having debt problems, the one thing I could reward myself with was a night of not doing anything and letting my mind have a few hours of vacation from doing things that were stressful- such as picking up the pile of mail with the overdue bills in it, seeing the negative bank balance, listening to the answering machine that had debt collectors calling and leaving messages.

I know I can overcome this- but 20 days is pushing it and I guess we will have to settle with clean yet cluttered with nice boxes packed with junk. Livable yet with more stuff to do- but it will get done. Thankfully my fiance is an amazing person who doesn't judge, has never put me down in any way in regards to myself or the house, and he will work until he can't do anymore- I have come into a room and found him using a small hand sweeper thing to get into the corners of the carpet! I know this summer will be about having fun with his boys and showing them around, but things will get done and I will have a year to do more before they move out- and with all of everyone's wonderful support- I really think I can do it!!

Now- silly question but it is the way my brain works- the old me would be cleaning a room and gather up laundry and just keep putting it in hampers and plastic bags until I had so much it was overwhelming- and it would get pushed to the side. So I guess I should do smaller visits to the laundrymat (my washing machine doesn't work at the moment so its not so overwhelming right?
and it gets done, and gets put away without being too much to deal with?

I hope I don't appear dense but even hearing from other people- the things I need to do really helps. Everything you have said- from giving me permission to throw stuff out- I actually "need" to hear and read people say that I have amnesty to get rid of things. This black hole is sucking the actual life out of me.

The house is actually killing me in ways that are impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been through this. Its killing me socially, physically (dust, allergies, high blood pressure I am sure, I numb myself by not doing anything like looking around too much because the less I see the better off I feel), mentally- depression, anxiety (worrying someone will knock on my door or I will have to let a workman in I am getting paranoid at times)

Everyone is amazing here!! Thank you for making me feel like I have a chance- and thank you for telling me the obvious because I need to hear it- over and over until it finally becomes normal for me.

[thisisnotme]

I relate, BeadGurrl. Every time someone comes to my house, I go into panic. I think the type of "perfectionist" I am is the type that says: I can't do it perfectly, so I won't do it at all!

My promise to myself is "someday" (which is always NOT "right now")

Wishing you well.

[PaperGrace]

Yes! A few good sized trips to the laundr-o-mat are not only OK, they're better. You have a much better chance of getting those clean clothes folded, sorted, and put away in some sort of order that way than if you wait until you find every wayward sock in the house and go all at once. ALSO--bring your lappy or something fun to do and count the washing time as a break for your brain.

I have the same Must. Do. All. Of. It. sort of problems. It always seemed less efficient to me to do it in chunks. It isn't! You'll have a much better follow through rate in chunks! You'll get more of the benefits of having done some of it if you do it in chunks!

You can do it!

[joyinvirginia]

Welcome! So now you have 19 days. My suggestion is: just hire someone to help. And repairs? Call and schedule repair visits now. Do not wait until things are perfect. If you have a repairman scheduled for next week, that will be motivation an d give you a deadline. They have seen worse, truly. Hire a maid service, or organizer who will help discard and sort and pack things, or even a POD or Smart Box franchise that will let you pack up a container them take it off to their warehouse for storage. Think big picture. You don't have time to sort every little thing. Pack it up or toss it.
Get those repair people scheduled! You can get your plumbing fixed and be able to wash a load of clothes as you get them dirty, instead of waiting until you have mount washmore!
Now call to schedule a repair!

[Di]

I have a suggestion regarding laundry: as you gather it up, put it in bags, hampers, etc. and put it in your car. When car is filled go to an empty laundromat and sort everything into washers, wash it all at once, then dry it and fold it there, bring it home and put it away. If you have let it get out of hand you deserve not to have to stand over a single washer and dryer trying to rush it to get it done. Just this once, treat yourself to doing it ALL AT ONCE and getting one huge thing out of the way in one fell swoop.

The times when I let mine get overwhelming, I had to do that for my sanity. The piles discouraged me and made me want to give up. When all the laundry was clean and put away, I felt like I could face anything and make a difference. I hate to admit how long I would occasionally let it go, but if pressed I will grudgingly admit to filling 12 LARGE washers and dryers. And then wondering how I was ever going to get it all back in the car.... But each time I conquered that hurdle, I found that getting other things done was so much easier.

[maggie]

Honestly, the way I would be sorting the main living areas would be "need it in the next two months", "don't need it in the next two months", and anything not needed would be stacked up neatly in a room to be dealt with later. If you can weed out some trash/donations, excess, then great. If you suborganize a bit better, fantastic, even it it's just to lable where the container/box came from (kitchen, bedroom, living room, craft room). But if I were in a panic, and I would be, a LOT of stuff would end up in a very large pile of boxes. The danger is that you never go back and deal with those boxes, but then I seem to live my life from crisis/urgent matter to crisis/urgent matter.

[maggie]

Jul 2, 2012 14:11:28 GMT -5 beadgurrl said:

the one thing I could reward myself with was a night of not doing anything and letting my mind have a few hours of vacation from doing things that were stressful

Wow. I never thought of it that way, but I think you just described me to a T. That is an eye opener.

[Sunshine]

Welcome, Beadgurrl!

Reading your posts I have been nodding like a crazy critter - I identify with so much of what you have said. Like you, I'm pretty professional and competent in the outside world, and I couldn't understand why or how I had come to a point of leading what felt like a double life. I have a blog, and when you have time feel free to visit

Here's my two cents worth about getting ready for the visit. It's based on similar experiences (eg, I had two months off earlier this year to clean the house and unpack boxes, but all I got done was insanely intense cleaning of my son's entire Lego collection.) Sometimes, we have problems prioritising our effort The caveat is that this is just what works for me - you may find something else that works better for you.

First - get rid of stuff. Get rid of obvious rubbish, and then be ruthless in getting rid of extra clothes, dishes, linen, etc that are clogging up your home. If you have more clothes that you can keep clean, you may simply have too many clothes! (I know I did.) If you are able to donate them to charity, that's great, but you don't have to. When you get rid of stuff, you miraculously end up with less things to clean, and more space to work

Next - box things up. If you are not likely to need things during, say, the next month - you can put them all neatly into removalist boxes or archive boxes, and come back to them. There's some risk that you may then end up with a heap of boxes in your garage/attic/basement, but hey, we can deal with that next month when the time pressure is off

Then, you should be seeing some serious clear space - hooray! And that's when you get to do "good enough" cleaning. You mentioned your strong perfectionist tendancies, and you'll find a lot of us have them too - and they can be crippling. Doing a half perfect job on the whole house is way better than doing an utterly perfect job on one or two rooms, then looking at the rest of the house and bursting into tears of despair. If you get everything to a standard of kinda-sorta-okay, then you can come back and improve the bits that you feel are important.

Again, I'm not used to talking in such a bossy way, so I'll repeat the caveat that this is just the world according to me, and whatever approach works for you is the best one!

I'm really glad you're here, and I'm cheering for you as you get ready to have a wonderful time with your fiancee and your new family