Dating a Hoarder

[sailorgirl]

I've been dating my boyfriend for two years and I've known him for 17 years. I am deeply in love with him, but overwhelmed with his "collecting" as he calls it.

When I first visited his house in 1998, I was impressed at how clean and tidy he was. His house was immaculate, perfectly furnished in a masculine way, with lots of clean lines and spaces.

A couple of years ago, we re-kindled our relationship and I visited his house again for the first time in over 10 years. There was a huge difference between what I saw in 1998 and what I saw in 2010.

He has a three bedroom house. Two of the bedrooms are so full of stuff that I can't get much further than the door. The laundry room is also so packed with stuff that I can't use the washer. The back door of the house is blocked with stuff. Every wall in his living and dining room have boxes stacked against them. Every time I enter the house, it's like the walls are caving in on me. (For the record, the kitchen, bathroom and master bedroom are usable.)

The house can't be properly cleaned because of the clutter and I have allergy attacks when I'm there because of all the dust, and other allergens.

He spends most nights on eBay, buying more collectables. He gets at least 20 boxes a month of things that he's ordered from eBay.

I've talked to him about the affects of his clutter and dust on my allergies. He promises that he will clean it up or hire a house cleaner. It just never happens. He knows that I don't agree with volume of collectables that he's purchasing that he has no where to put in his house, but he keeps doing it. I joke with him about "seeing a duplex" in our future, but in many ways, I'm totally serious. I can't live in the same house as him. We have argued and discussed this issue and he doesn't see it as a problem, but it's a problem for me.

After reading multiple Web sites, books, discussion boards about the subject of hording, it looks like this would be a life-long battle, even if he wakes up someday and sees that he has a problem. I see that horders can improve, but I don't see that they ever become normal with regard to their home and possessions. And I need to be on the cleaner side of "normal" with my allergy issues.

Aside from breaking-up, anyone have any other ideas of how to deal with this situation?

[CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity]

Hi!

The book "Digging Out" is written specifically for loved ones of hoarders.
Click on following link for a description and review:
takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=10013

It certainly won't solve your problems or "fix" your boyfriend. But it will tell you how to communicate with him respectfully.

The fact that you are writing to us here, means that you really care about him, and want honest answers, and that's a good thing.

It's true that some hoarders have great difficulty recovering.

But I would offer out to you the hope that I myself have unhoarded 35 years worth of stuff. It took me a long time to SEE the problem, and a longer time to WANT to change, but eventually I chose to change, and with a ton of work over a long period of time, I did change.

My personal issues were more about difficulty with discarding.

I didn't have issues with acquiring.

It sounds like your boyfriend is a hoarder-acquirer.

With 20 boxes per month from eBay -- he might be a compulsive shopper, as well.

Welcome!

Some of our members will have ideas for you. I hope you get a variety of replies. There is more than one way to look at your situation.

-

[lizzie]

Hi Sailorgirl, things certainly did change for him over that 10 years, didn't they? But the clean/minimalist home might have been the anomaly, of course, do you know much about how he grew up etc? - not that it makes an immediate difference to you now, I was just thinking that perhaps the minimalist place was not the 'norm' for him.

There's nothing wrong with living NEXT to each other rather than in the same house of course, if you can afford to do so. It seems clear that you could not live in his house with him as things are, where would you fit?? LOL - that's a sympathetic LOL of course

You do love him though, that makes it hard, doesn't it. As he doesn't see it as a problem, he isn't going to be looking at changing things, because doing so doesn't make sense to him.

I hope you will find different ways to look at the situation by reading around on this board, which may help you deal with the relationship as it is at the moment. It may be worth writing down for yourself a list of the things that do work well for the two of you (eg when he sleeps over at your place he keeps things neat, and appears relaxed in a different environment; he manages his finances well even though he spends a lot of money; he shows understanding about other matters that concern you in life apart from this part of your relationship; and so on). - Sometimes these positives can get a bit lost because a negative can loom larger and larger.

Best wishes, Lizzie

[sailorgirl]

Thanks so much for your suggestion. I looked at the book Digging Out before I joined this discussion board. It seemed to apply more to my Dad, a senior citizen who was putting himself in danger with his hording, than it does to dealing with my boyfriend, who is harming me and our relationship, but not himself at this time. But, I'll buy the book and see if it can help me talk to him more productively.

Thanks for your insightful and relevant advice. I do love him and I don't want to give up this relationship, that is good in many ways, but I cannot put myself in a living situation that is detrimental to my health.

[sailorgirl]

Thanks Lizzie. I do know his living situation growing up. He grew up with a single mum. She keeps her small house clean and orderly. She has collectables in curio cabinets; more than I would have, but pretty normal for an elderly lady.

Interesting that you're in Australia. My boyfriend is Australian. And I'm American.

[disarray]

I'm currently reading the "SHED" book that many of us are reading right now and it points out that you should think about a time before you had certain clutter.

Obviously your boyfriend at one time didn't have all this, so what changed? Did he lose a loved one? Something must have happened and his subconscious coping mechanism was to acquire more things. A lot of people who lose someone they love will then fill that empty space they have within themselves with stuff. This is something he needs to figure out more than you do. If he can figure out the cause of his clutter that will help him a lot with letting it go.

Also what kind of clutter does he have? What kind of collectibles, and what made him collect those over something else? These insights will help him if he wants to de-clutter.

I also have a boyfriend who is... messy. I highly doubt we could ever live together because there isn't any space for my things at his house. There isn't space for me. And he doesn't see it as a problem. He says he likes having his clothes thrown over a chair because he can get to them easier. Sigh...

The way I see it, if they really truly wanted us around (living with them) they'd clean up (or at least try. Decluttering can be difficult for a hoarder, but they could at least try.). By not even trying to clean up even though they know we want them too, it seems like they, at least subconsciously, don't want to live with us.

[messymimi]

Welcome, SailorGirl!

The biggest difficulty i see in your future is that these things don't stay static. They are either getting better or worse, and your boyfriend seems to be getting worse.

This means you can try to deal with it by purchasing a duplex, or two townhouses next to each other, but what will you do when his side is full and he wants to store things on the other side, "Just for a while"?

It won't be just for a while, it will become permanent.

What i'm saying is that you need to deal with this or break up, and the sooner you deal with it, the better. If you just proceed with the relationship, and put dealing with it on the back burner, it will get harder.

Unfortunately, there are no magic wands to wave that will make him "see" what has happened to him. He has to come to that himself, and it may take a long time.

If you want to stick with him, i hope you can find the language to get him to see that his items are not giving him any joy, and are doing him no good. If you choose to tell him he must face this or you will leave, then i hope it shows him that it is further costing him a special relationship.

messymimi

[def6]

Buying something on ebay and at a reduced price is quite a thrill. It releases a chemical in the brain. Does he plan to sell this stuff he is aquiring. Maybe you should both take inventory on how much stuff there is and when he plans to sell it. If he is unwilling to plan with you or let you in to his world...that to me is a lack of committment to the relationship on his part.

[dragonchilde]

There's some very real issues with this that you are going to have to face, and it's going to take some tough questions on your part before you decide to proceed with this relationship, or determine if the best thing for you is to leave it.

1) Financial clutter. This is a major concern; it's clearly an acquirer situation, and this has major financial concerns for you. If you should choose to pursue this relationship to its ultimate conclusion, then that would mean you would be inheriting any debt he has accumulated, and he would start impacting your credit rating. This would become your financial problem, as well. If he's compulsive, he's not going to be able to stop himself from using whatever resources are at his disposal... including your money.

Should you decide to get married, protect yourself. DO NOT sign join credit accounts, maintain separate finances, and do not let yourself be drawn in.

2) Physical clutter. It WILL move into your life. This is something that the families of hoarders have learned again and again. You can't separate him from his disorder. You have to accept him... AND his stuff. You can't maintain separate households to hide this problem and expect to have a healthy marriage, or even a non-marital relationship. He will gradually move into your life.

Hoarding has a way of being a little contagious; those who live with a hoarder are more likely to hoard themselves. You will pick up habits, and even if they don't become fully-fledge hoarding behavior, you will find yourself accepting and living in a situation you never dreamed possible because it's normal to you.

3) Emotional clutter. He's already demonstrated a complete unwillingness to acknowledge the problem, much less deal with it. This either has to change, or you stand no chance. You will always have this enormous elephant in the room, and it's not going to go away.

My advice: Get help. Professional help. For you, if not for him. You need to work through these things on your end, even if he's not willing to, because ultimately, you have two choices here:

Accept the disorder and the fact that you're not going to be able to change it, now or later, unless he's the one that takes that step.

OR

Do not accept the disorder, and move on.

I hope you make the decision that fits your life. Love is a powerful thing, but it does not, unfortunately, cure mental illness. BEcause that's what you're battling here.

[fluffernut - now Jannie]

All good responses. But let me warn you: Don't marry him unless and until his hoarding/buying is resolved. You will be in for a life of misery.

[littleengine]

Sorry but the outlook isn't good. He keeps buying, keeps hoarding, laughs it off as not a big deal, promises you to work on it but doesn't....

What are you looking for out of the relationship? Do you want to get married and build a life together, possibly with kids? If so, then deliver an ultimatum. Tell him you're dating for marriage, and he has this major issue that he's not working on, and he keeps promising you he'll take care of things but he doesn't, and so if he doesn't do x y or z (i.e. reasonable progress) by a certain date, you're out. Clean break. And be serious about it. No late night phone calls or nostalgia sex or anything like that. It'll be really hard because you say you love him. But what's the alternative? He doesn't think he has a problem. You can't control what other people do, but you CAN control what YOU do. And frankly, I would be running, not walking, away. No matter what a wonderful guy he is in other areas, hoarding is something that has such a tough effect on everybody in the house.

Or, if you're happy with a longterm boyfriend situation, with separate living spaces and all, then that could work....

[littleengine]

P.S. The fact that you have allergy attacks in his house and he doesn't care is a huge red flag to me. :-( You deserve a husband who sees you as #1.

[misssue]

Actions always speak louder than words. Everyone said what I wanted to say, very well.

This is going to hurt, but you are not a priority to him. He may not want to move this relationship forward, to another step, moving in together. Because he doesn't keep his promises. No matter what his broken promises are, even if they are not related to hoarding, you do not want to be with someone who does this now, it will not get better. You can not change someone, and if you have all these issues with him now, it will not get better. The only person you can change and have control over is you. I also see fear of the future in your post. That is why you are here.. people can change themselves, but the older you get harder, and it has to come from within. Bottom line.

I believe that although you love him, you have reached a crossroads. He has made promises he did not and can not keep to you. Think priorities again. Anyone that can do that in any relationship, is not ready to move it forward to living together.

I know you did not mention marriage, but do not buy a duplex with him. Moving him, is not going help, he may never get out of the house that he has. I thought of the real estate issues, and all here brought up the financial issues, which could ruin you. I am going to use this as a test, right now, would you be comfortable having people over to his house, your friends or family. Because that is how it it going to be. What would a friend say if you showed her pictures of his place right now? I believe that is another test, you may already have accepted the state of his house, and not see really how bad it is. I also know that you are holding on to hope because 10 years ago it was not like that, and you have a memory of him like that, that is not going to work either, that is gone.

I also get that it is hard to walk away.. believe me, I do not give up on people easily. Please consider therapy for you, if nothing else it is an objective opinion. My wish he would go along, but do not count on it. You have to figure out if you can live with this. Therapist would help.

There is an episode of Hoarders, I know it is on Netflix, and sorry think it was the TLC version about a couple dating. He nice looking, good job, etc etc. She the same, attractive successful woman, independent, and when she finally got inside the condo of his, she kept saying OMG, how did this happen? In the end, she said, I can not do this, I am at a point in my life that I can not, or should not have to deal with this. She saw it as a huge problem in a relationship for her. She left in the middle of this, even after he got some of it under control. He was fine at her condo, which was very nice. I got that, because I am older, divorced and single. I do not settle, nor do I make any more men a project.. neither should you. My heart goes out to you, because I know that you are a wonderful woman, with a big heart and love him. You do not need the heartache.. and I challenge you, bring a GF, a sister, your mother or a friend to his house and ask them..!

[CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity]

My ex was the clean and organized one.

I was the hoarder-squalorer.

When I lived with my ex, he REALLY WAS a PRIORITY to me.

I just didn't understand that I had a problem. Really, I didn't see it as a problem. Seriously.

For me, it wasn't about prioritization.

For me, it was about denial of reality.

He told me I had an issue -- but I thought he was just being fussy!

If I had really UNDERSTOOD that I had a PROBLEM, I may have sought help earlier.

Eventually, my ex broke up with me and he kicked me and my stuff out.

It wasn't until a year after being kicked out ... that I began to wonder, hmmmm maybe I have a small issue, but I wasn't convinced.

It took years of reading at Squalor Survivors and here before I was ready to change.

A person isn't ready to change when they're still in denial.

Here are the "Stages of Change"
childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/?page_id=181
If your boyfriend is in the 'precontemplation' stage, then there's nothing you can do to make him change. He simply cannot see it.

Take care of your health and move on.

-

[stackattack]

Lioness, Thank you for posting that info - I've never seen it.

I would say that I have been aware that my clutter is a problem for a long time, and most of my time is spent in the Preparation phase (phase 3 of 5). I am usually willing to act on it even, but most of my action has been taken without a larger organized plan so I haven't often been able to say I'm in the Action phase (Phase 4).

It is difficult enough to solve our problems for those of us who are aware and willing to act. If someone is in denial AND rapidly acquiring, there may not be much you can do. They may have to hit closer to bottom in order to admit the problem and want to change.