Hubby just realized I was a Hoarder?

[Layla]

Hey all,
Been a rough night and am. Got back from working on the old house and I was met with anger.

My husband said "I didnt know it was this bad, I didnt know you were a hoarder I just thought you were a collector"

Ive been with him 9 yrs? Im like "Ive been telling you Ive been asking you questions if your okay with things (his mom was a squalor food hoarder) Im more of a collectible antique seller/picker hoarder with too much inventory in my home that got way out of hand with a lot of emotional attachment to things.

I know its my issue and Ive been actively working on it cleaning out the old house, BY MYSELF in another state, Im only one person. So its been tough,,, we arent on bad terms, but when hes logical in thought and I have emotional ties and anxiety, Im fully aware of and admit.

Was not a pretty site...... and part of me is angry, like Im screaming "IVE BEEN TELLING YOU ALL FOR YEARS AND NOBODY LISTENS!"

He drove me for 2 acquisitions and helped me bring home HUGE carloads of stuff

1. from my old employers - took 2 cars, 4 trips! PACKED he helped me I couldnt have done it otherwise

2. His grandmas home after her death, HE TOLD ME, he could have just not said a word and I would have never known or gone there to get things. We took back 3 carloads from her place after her death that he helped me with.


Im a little emotional at the moment, was happy to see him and be back and just felt attacked getting back,, cause Im not "DONE" yet and he can say hurtful things when angry. I can hear his frustration but I dont do well with being criticized.... It just makes it even harder and I want to crawl up in a ball in bed.

[Ally]

Yep, I've been there.
One thing I have begun to realize, is that my attachment to things WAS stronger than I thought. Almost every item I picked up had a memory attached to it. I would grieve, and I would churn through the piles but not get rid of much.

That is all starting to change, but It's been a multi-faceted process, and I really can't explain it very well, except to say the people on this site are amazing. I still have a long way to go, but without this site I would just be churning through things and wondering why I was having so much trouble getting it all organized, meanwhile still adding to the mess.
Here are some key points in no particular order:

1. I have to stop bringing things in.
2. Getting rid of the item doesn't erase the memory.
3. Your family is more important than your stuff.
4. Stuff doesn't love you back.
5. I don't have room for everything I own, so I have to sort out the treasures and get rid of the rest.
6. Very often, someday never comes, start now.

[immaculata]

Oh Layla, I'm sorry you and your husband are having a rough patch, and that you're feeling attacked. I would too, in the same situation.

It sounds to me like he was in denial before about your hoarding and now that's coming to an end. It may seem strange to you that he didn't realise before especially when he was actively helping you with things, but that's the power of denial.

I imagine that he's angry partly with himself for not realising - or at least not registering or fully understanding the situation, and for 'enabling' you by helping you gather items.

It's not surprising that you're feeling angry too, and not listened to.

It's not brilliant that he's upset and you're upset, but to look on the bright side for a second, at least this means that he will either willing to help you deal with your hoarding, or at least willing to shush up and let you get on with decluttering on your own.

Please give yourself some credit - you've already been working and working *hard* on your issue so in a way, he's only just noticing the issue while you're on your way to overcoming it.

Although I realise it must feel pretty grim right now, hopefully in future you'll be able to look back on this as a major step forward in stepping out of hoarding, because at least now you and your husband are both on the same page.

[Layla]

He is upset about the cost of having the two homes. Im making enough to cover all the cost of the other state still, fortunately the cost is low there.

He thought once we got the new house it would all be OVER.

Keep in mind I had emotional issues, loss of my kids and being a parent full time, spent 12 yrs in a large home, my husband was away for almost 3 yrs living in another state, home 2 wknds a month. So I lived alone pretty much if you will and dealt with life and living on my own. I dealt with an empty nest, a high school graduation for my son, packing up a large house ALONE, an 18th birthday for my teen and our wedding anniv trip ALL In the same week of the move, my hubby flew in during all that.

Thats where Im screaming IM JUST ONE PERSON.

And of course he just says to throw everything away.

I told him today that this move has FORCED me to move forward and actually is beneficial. I was already in the active process of getting rid of things for sometime! I took numerous steps and constantly shared what I got rid of with him all the time. It was weekly, sometimes daily.

It will come to an end... My big sis spoke with me a lot today, she is going to take 2 days off work over a wknd to spend 4 days with me and she told me, we will get things packed, and tackle that garage (thats the main area really to deal with, the house stuff left is manageable) She said we will have a yard sale the entire time we are working in the garage also.

I cant have my husband help as hes too critical, he can help when Im done to come out and load the uhaul for the final trip and take the dogs back with him. My mom is caring for them in Cali cause its way too hot for them in the summer here at our new home, so to be honest, thats another cost and amount of stress we are spared having the house. Its over 100 degrees here and into the eve most days and they are large outside dogs.

I know i have done so much and thats my utter frustration , everything I read on dealing with hoarding and therapy and all of that Ive been doing.

My husband has Aspergers also so throw that into the mix, if anyone knows what thats like, he speaks his mind without watching his words, very logical thought, but thats typical for men as it is.

He also told me the house is "MY thing to deal with" umm I had it before we married, he moved in with me... so its all mine. After getting it cleaned out I have to deal with hiring someone for repairs, I think most of you know how tough it is to manage all of this by yourself and someone telling you, "Your need to get done, but its yours to deal with, but finish!"



Thank God for my sister

[sunshineshouse]

Oh layla, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know you were so looking forward to getting home, and you surely didn't need to hear all that from your husband. Bad enough at any time, but worse because you just came back from another pretty gruelling week. Do you think he is feeling ignored and is a bit resentful at the time this project is taking? It sounds as if he is also questioning how your financial resources are being siphoned off to maintain your old house. I'm glad that your sister is being so supportive. Hang in there

[rededen]

my attachment to things WAS stronger than I thought. Almost every item I picked up had a memory attached to it.

And THAT, my dear friends, is one of the MAIN reasons why we hoard.

Not only do our things have memories attached to them, but often we also can see endless possibilites for their uses; we feel emotional throwing good stuff out because it is a waste (I call this Depression mentality. Not our own depression but the 1930's Great Depression - my mum lived through it); and, to have to go through and sort out a whole lot of stuff is mentally and emotionally very tiring and we become very physically fatigued. There is a connection between physical fatigue and hoarding in many cases; and there is a definate connection between physical fatigue and depression.

Layla, sorry to hear you have to 'do it all'. Chin up, Sweetie. You're getting there. Hugz. Red.

[fluffernut - now Jannie]

Your sister sounds like such a gem! Offering to help you organize and even taking off work to help you! I wished I had relatives willing to help me sort. Come to think of it, I have 2 unemployed nieces in their 20's and a cousin about my age (50's) who might want to come for a visit and do some work in exchange for free meals and a free bedroom for a few days or a week.

[phoenixcat]

If I had a nickel for every time DH said to me "what did you do, did you do anything, it looks the same?" - I'd have enough for a cup of starbuck's coffee!

In my experience, men just think differently. They have a "fix it" mentality. And, if they can't "fix it" or if every solution they come up doesn't work for us - they get very frustrated, throw up their hands and step back. And for the less verbal gender - they are pretty verbal about that!

And, your DH loves you. These trips back to your old house have been very hard emotionally on you. I'm sure you share with him while you are gone how difficult it is. On some level, he probably wants you to stop (finish) so that you can get some peace. And, since he is part of your support system, he probably wants both of you to be peacefully contented in your new home and have the whole thing over with. Since it isn't his things and wasn't really his full time home and job, he doesn't see the emotional ties.

You have been working very hard. I don't have any real advice except "been there, done that". I hope that your next efforts with your sister bring you closer to the life you want in your new home.


PC

[puppybox]

The problem with words is that they are powerful. By thinking of you as a collector, he interpreted all your behaviour one way. "Now" that you are a hoarder (because he's assigned you that word) he interprets all the same things that happened over the years differently.

that is why nobody "listens". they listen, but everything passes thru the filter of the words, like, 'collector' etc that they've decided you are.

the benefit of being a 'hoarder' is sometimes that people feel they have to help you and understand you go slower then they do. the downside might be that they think 'hoarder' is a negative judgement, meaning they don't have to listen to anything you say because you're guilty of hoarderness, or incapable of making decisions/progressing with your proble. that's when they throw out all your stuff without permission. at least he doesn't want to do that.

[Layla]

Thank you everyone, my big sis called me and already has a "plan" for us. Probably in a week or so. Im not looking forward to going back already, but I know the sooner I do this the better.

And hubby came home from work yesterday and vented A LOT about his job. As I listened, I said later "Are you worried your going to want to quit or *** off?" He nodded, and then I said "And is that why your so worried about the finances all the sudden?" He touched my nose and said
"ding ding ding"

He talked about all the people he works around and how difficult it is, so hes trying to stay to himself because he just wants to avoid trouble. Meaning being aspergers he speaks up and is blunt but can seem cold and offensive.

Anyways, so hes afraid the stability of his work situation.

Which somewhat helps me to get where he is coming from.

By the way, my big sister is the only person I feel okay with, I dont know about the rest of you but its hard to want friends or family to help, because they know us personally and its scary to expose yourself in that way and worrying they will think you are messed up. And my sister has her ex husband lined up to help do the repairs in my house afterwards.

[messymimi]

Layla, very often the argument is not about the argument, if you understand what i mean.

Keep working with your sister, and remember that when your husband is upset, it may very well be about something totally different.

messymimi

[misssue]

I wrote in your other post, in your blog. But for the others, moving, you being apart and living together part time, buying a new house, having the old = stress. Add in his fears about his employment!

I also said it may be the language or words they use. Hoarder is not what some people think, they think collector. Or you have a lot of " stuff". If you do not have squalor, they do not think you are a hoarder. So now the language changed and you are a hoarder. Or as I have heard from some people, a spouse or loved one did not look at all the items as lost money, until money was tight or some financial problem came up. Then the collection became a hoard.

My BF says to me, "you have a lot of stuff!" AND like you Layla, I have the furniture for my business, and unlike you, I am a bit stuck and have not felt like doing it. He is here, but also it is my house. But there may be a day when he says to me you are hoarder also. I am working on it, just today he said, how did the fridge get so full again!
You are doing so well, you have a deadline you had to work under. You are strong, do you know how many people would not have been able to drive that far alone and go back and forth? I know a few I have been trying to help on being divorced. We all have something I say! Glad your sister is coming and I know you get this done and get down to one house! HUGS