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Post by angela on Aug 24, 2014 15:01:58 GMT -5
The last few weeks I have been so run down that I've seriously doubted whether or not I could even manage to maintain a studio apartment or a rented bedroom.
It has made me wonder when downsizing doesn't really help. No matter the size of my environment, there will always be those things that I have to do to maintain my person, hygiene, eating, clothing...
I guess when one can't do those things for oneself on a regular basis, there is something really out of whack.
For me, it is so often a lack of physical energy and the subsequent thought that "I can't" so I don't do the task. I don't doubt that there are plenty of folks that are just as tired but still do those things. Their internal dialogue does not include concession for not doing those basic things. Their "why" is firmly answered and they slug it out despite fatigue.
When and why did I decide that I could just pass up on doing the basics? Was it when I learned that the sky didn't fall if I skipped the dishes? How do I get back that internal line in the sand that says, these things must be done, even if at a crawl, even if I'm sitting in a chair to do them, even if I'm tired.
I should downsize and will, but I do wonder about those times I slip up on even the basics.
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Post by lostchild on Aug 24, 2014 16:00:26 GMT -5
I found that before I got depression medication I said same thing. I think you just have to draw a line in the sand as if you were someone else.Notice how many of us are caretakers and we take better care of our friends,neighbors,children and other people we care for. Pretend you are caring for yourself as a separate person. You wouldn't neglect the other person. Apply that same standard to yourself. If you ask yourself what does she need then provide it. As you get used to splitting yourself into to treat yourself better you'll find what you need and provide it. Think of yourself as me,myself and l and as me and myself what I needs then provide it. Just a mind over matter suggestion.
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Post by Unswamping on Aug 24, 2014 17:39:49 GMT -5
angela sweetheart, you have ALOT on your plate right now. You are very tired, stressed and run down by all the things you are dealing with. I hope that you dont make a rash decision about downsizing. You are capable of taking care of yourself. With so much you have to do, taking care of S, all the animals, working, etc. somethings will slid. You are taking care of the important things like taking care of and spending time with S, taking care of the animals. There are times when things are more important than housework. By things i mean people and animals, those cant wait. The house and the housework will be there for you when youre ready to deal with. Try to simplify what youre doing. If youre cooking a meal, can you make two portions, one for now, one for later. It doesnt take much more to cook a larger amount. Can you eat salads or other simple meals. Maybe a big pot of soup, stew or chili. You can eat some for a few days and freeze the rest. ((Angela)). I wish i could do something to make life easier for you. Please dont be hard on yourself right now, your life is hard enough.
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Post by dayeanu on Aug 24, 2014 17:46:00 GMT -5
angela I understand what you are saying here. If I had 1 room (and only owned 100 things), I don't think it would be any easier for me to cook the meals, wash the dishes, do self care, etc. At least that is how it feels now. I can't imagine how others do all that they do. I read the lists that others here work through, and shake my head in amazement. I vaguely remember a time, many many years ago, when I had energy. And then the few weeks on that diet, when I had energy and was not depressed. I really did not know what to do with myself. I remember looking back on my life and thinking, "So that is what depression does." I think it must have been the first time in a very long time that I was not depressed. The stark and amazing contrast was that, even though we had a huge ugly family incident, and I was very sad about it, I did not feel overwhelmed or hopeless. I felt strong and capable. Instead of sinking, I looked at it very practically and knew I could handle it. So, I really think the size of the place or the quantity of jobs to do, is not the problem. I think it is depression that pins us to the ropes.
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Post by papermoon on Aug 24, 2014 18:29:04 GMT -5
angela, you haven't experienced the simpler life that comes with going smaller, so it's very hard for you to imagine. But I am here to tell you that it IS better. I've mentioned elsewhere that I regularly read Courtney Carver's blog Be More With Less. She started her blog when she downsized and simplified her life after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Here's a post that I think will speak to your self-care and home-care concerns. I hope you will read it and take heart: bemorewithless.com/invisible/
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Post by dayeanu on Aug 24, 2014 19:18:17 GMT -5
angela, you haven't experienced the simpler life that comes with going smaller, so it's very hard for you to imagine. But I am here to tell you that it IS better. I've mentioned elsewhere that I regularly read Courtney Carver's blog Be More With Less. She started her blog when she downsized and simplified her life after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Here's a post that I think will speak to your self-care and home-care concerns. I hope you will read it and take heart: bemorewithless.com/invisible/ papermoon thanks for sharing this link! I also want to mention that I don't think it is a good plan to push yourself when you are exhausted. We get tired for a reason - we need to rest - whether from physical exhaustion or depression. I have found that sometimes, if I will push myself a little, my energy will come back. That's not the kind of tired we are talking about here. When you are really tired, you need to rest so your body can heal, whether its physical or depression. Cleaning at the cost of your health is not worth it!
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Joined: January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2014 19:30:09 GMT -5
everyones different Don't try to judge yourself by other people.
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Post by angela on Aug 24, 2014 23:13:30 GMT -5
Thank you all for your replies. I really liked reading that post you linked to papermoon. It gives me something to think about. I don't really understand intangible benefits. I'm so entrenched in just slugging it out day after day, year after year. It never occurred to me that it could actually get better. I think even in spite of the current circumstances, I need to acknowledge that my depression and overall physical health is NOT well managed. I take a low dose of an antidepressant but really, it just keeps me form crying all the time. I am still hopeless, sometimes suicidal, have become nihilistic, and really suffer from a host of mental issues including very poor self esteem, lack of confidence, etc. Physically, I'm carrying about 30 extra pounds, right around my middle. I have terrible slumpy posture. I don't exercise, I don't eat very well, I don't take vitamins regularly. Why in the world did I think that I could just not take care of myself and magically I would be well and happy? :/
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Post by joyinvirginia on Aug 25, 2014 8:11:05 GMT -5
Many hugs Angela! Is there any way you could see doctor or health provider and get on a better antidepressant? Does the medical center where your dh is going have some support services for caregivers that you can access? Hoping this week goes well.
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Post by puppybox on Aug 25, 2014 10:43:44 GMT -5
I don't have any thing to add but I feel the same way. And I don't think it's a coincidence that diet plays a role. I think some of us are physically weaker and HAVE to eat (and sleep etc) pretty well all the time or we just can't function well enough. Other people can pull all nighters and eat pizza all the time but when we do it we don't feel well and have no energy. I'm not discounting depression but taking care of ourselves alleviates a lot of that depression. Of course being tired and depressed and discouraged makes it so hard to do so. And some of us have been this way for so so long we forget (maybe have never known) there is any other way to be.
And of course some people are lucky in that they have other people to take some of the burden off. We can give ourselves credit for doing whataver we do, no matter how minimal. (and angela what you do is NOT MINIMAL).
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Post by puppybox on Aug 25, 2014 10:46:41 GMT -5
I find there is always a tension and mental argument in myself raging as to whether I am the kind of tired that pushing a bit to take care of self and other things will energise me or at least pay off in the long run, or if its the kind where if I push on I'll just catch a cold (this regularly happens) and be more tired and sick.
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Post by ohblondie on Aug 25, 2014 11:39:47 GMT -5
Thank you all for your replies. Why in the world did I think that I could just not take care of myself and magically I would be well and happy? :/ We must always take care of ourselves. We are not an "unlimited bank account" where we can make unlimited withdrawals without Replenishing the funds. It is hard to do this. I think I am now paying for years of "non-replenishment" when I was 20-25 years younger.
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Post by aquamarine on Aug 25, 2014 12:30:46 GMT -5
I learned about the differences between people where energy levels are concerned not to mention self care much too late. The past has caught up with me too. I could not manage a larger place, but a studio flat is fine. I now make eating and sleeping well high priority, and try to live well within my resources of all kinds. I think studio flats are wonderful things.
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Post by misssue on Aug 25, 2014 13:18:29 GMT -5
Angela.. stay in the present right now, not worry about downsizing when it is not something you have to address right now. I get it, you are saying, for the most part, that you feel like a failure. Do not go there!
No one with severe depression is going to eat a special diet, follow an online program, or exercise themselves out of it. Self care is a good thing, but for you, what you wrote this is severe and life long depression and anxieties. I know all mean well, here but if you were sitting across from me in person and you said what you wrote, I would urge you to seek professional help. Get thee to a therapist. There is no quick fix, or magic self help book, or self care that is going to pull you out of this. Nor is it a character flaw or "failure" to get help. Getting help is self care!
You wrote...
" I need to acknowledge that my depression and overall physical health is NOT well managed. I take a low dose of an antidepressant but really, it just keeps me form crying all the time. I am still hopeless, sometimes suicidal, have become nihilistic, and really suffer from a host of mental issues including very poor self esteem, lack of confidence, etc."
Reading that, set off my alarm, everything I know, and all the years of helping women in divorce, when I hear that, it is a call for help. I have heard it from many. This is chronic and situational depression. If you need someone to say boldly, you have to get professional help, I can say it. I read what JOYinvirgnia wrote and thought, she said it very well, what I feel.. there must be some help for you. I went to bed last night, thinking what can I say gently to Angela, that she needs professional help? SO glad to see that common sense from Joy. I care about you, as do others here.
I am going to repeat, You can not manage this yourself, because you have tried and it has not worked. For years. It may be the added pressure, about being a caregiver, that did add to this. I suspect, either way, you have to address this. Depression does not get better on its own. Part of depression is not being to make decisions, every day lack of energy, fatigue, overwhelmed and a lot of other issues.
I also am a caregiver, and new to that since June, and although not terminal, a lot to deal with. I can handle it, but I have a therapist, and he was my 2nd call, on day 2 when my BF I took to the ER was out of immediate danger. Been a long summer and going to be long years. I do self manage, but most people can not, and I certainly will take meds if I need to. I had years of before, during and after therapy in a divorce. I have the tools to do it, but I also need someone to lean on and be objective with me. Why I made the call. I came out of a long term marriage and divorce mentally healthy, and moved on. That does not mean I do not need support.
There must be a social worker at the hospital who could help you and the roommate. My BF was offered mileage for me to drive him to all these surgeries, and appointments. If I can not do it, there is transportation he can call if he can not drive. Most people have to keep their jobs, and their lives on track as well as being a caregiver. Not many quit and devote themselves fully to being a caregiver. For a lot of reasons. Mental, financial, social, and your life will go on. It should. A good therapist will help you work out how to do that, help you figure out what are the obstacles and yes, what you are doing well too. Please, while you are in this, get a therapist.
I also know money is a concern also. There are resources. I helped many women and some men in divorce, I hated it when someone in our group said just get a therapist and a lawyer. Not everyone has the funds for either. Write me if you need help finding one. I have a huge network of information and help.. it may not be in your state, but I am sure I can help figure something out. Luv to you, Misssue
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Post by def6 on Aug 25, 2014 13:27:18 GMT -5
Hello Angela I think we Can change our will! I decide on reasonable chore for myself and a time limit then I do it come hail or high water. You get a lot of internal dialogue like: well what about that other task? I just say no! I'm in training.
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