|
Post by irisbloom on Sept 7, 2014 15:12:07 GMT -5
So…it’s been about a month. I’m drowning in depression and it’s getting out of control. I’ve not yet told my pdoc because not much she can do other than adjust my meds which works for some time then the depression comes back. It feels hopeless at this point. On top of it my friends have been reading my Facebook messages and not replying. Just simple asking about their days or wanting to talk writing. I get a checkmark and a “seen” notification and nothing more. And I’m having marriage issues.
Adding to it, my apartment is trashed. Level 3. Also needs attention from maintenance but I’m too ashamed to report the need. This is appalling. It’s disrespectful of management and horrible to my family and my cat. I want to fix it but get so overwhelmed. And I lack energy. Depression is sucking my energy completely dry and threatening my schoolwork already. This is horrible.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for right now. Some magic solution or what. But I need my home back to at least a level one. Soon. Very soon. A one or a .5. I have to find a way to fight through this but I get so overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. The double edge sword is having a dirty home is fueling my depression while having a clean-ish one would make it feel more like a sanctuary. But this depression is keeping me from making it a reality.
Where can I begin? Flylady overwhelms me, as does UFYH. After all this time I’m not sure what system would work for me. I keep making plans and then getting overwhelmed, panicking, and shutting down.
What room do I start in? I can rationalize starting in any room. That’s part of the problem. Knowing the whys in starting in any room keeps me from starting in any because I don’t know what to choose.
Gosh, this post is all over the place. Sorry…
Help?
|
|
|
Post by moggyfan on Sept 7, 2014 15:27:57 GMT -5
I think you need the biggest bang for your buck right now, so think about what ONE thing in your home could be remedied that would give you the most relief (if the 3rd degree is from litter box issues, would getting that one area cleaned up make you feel less stressed? Or would carrying a trash bag around the house and gathering up & disposing of stuff that's actual garbage make you feel better?)
I know you said you are having marital issues, but will your husband help you get started?
I find the mantra repeated often here that "Motivation follows action" to be so true for me. I will postpone a task for days but then when I get started on it, it doesn't seem so bad. Maybe put on a CD you like and pick a # -- "I'll work through the next two songs" and then stop. Or use a timer (that's what I do when I grade papers--set a timer for 30 minutes and then do something else for awhile).
You sound really 'stuck' and I wish there were a magic wand to make you feel better. I'm sure there'll be a lot of encouragement for you here, and maybe you should check out one of the 'action-oriented' threads in Listzilla, Working in threes, etc. Good luck in finding the way that works for you to get started.
|
|
|
Post by hollyhock on Sept 7, 2014 15:41:34 GMT -5
First irisbloom, hugs. I don't know what to say re the depression - you sound like you know more about it that I do. The word in your message that struck me the most was 'sanctuary'. You want your home to feel like a sanctuary. THAT, to me, is where you should start. What small area, once completed - would feel most like a sanctuary to you? A special chair or desk, bedroom or bathroom? What? I think that is where you should start - a tiny bit to make your special place more of a sanctuary - then a bit more, then a bit more. And spread it out - going as slowly or as quickly as you desire - but find a place that will make you feel the best you can right now.
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Sept 7, 2014 16:05:16 GMT -5
Hello Irisbloom, I pushed "Like" to acknowledge your post...but believe me I don't like what you are going through here. Right now you need to be your own best advocate. You need to make an extra effort with your schoolwork...get yourself to a place where you can feel positive and coast a little. Also with the cleaning, You know how good it feels when you've got the cleaning whipped into shape. When you have brought the level of clean up to where you are comfortable ...have the maintenance man in, you'll feel even better! Relationships (marriages) stink sometimes - focus your attention on what you are doing to improve. Friends stink sometimes- ditto. Drs and Meds, I can't comment on because I don't go that route. Where to begin...where did you begin when you got it all cleaned up before? That is your signature starting place. I really get the sense that not only are you feeling down and behind on your work... you are also feeling let down/ hurt feelings by those around you. It is a bad place indeed.
|
|
|
Post by dayeanu on Sept 7, 2014 16:07:17 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are having this problem. My hope is that you discuss this in depth with your health care provider. See what can be done from a health care standpoint. I'm not at all saying that the social situation and your home's condition aren't enough to make you feel terrible. From my own experience, my guess is that the house and social factors are not causing it; my experience has been that when I feel emotionally strong, I am not so overwhelmed by the same bad social and living conditions that seemed so impossible otherwise. When I am feeling emotionally strong, I am able to handle even the big problems, better.
I'd like you to consider some things that might help you feel stronger, emotionally. If your body is out of gas, everything can seem overwhelming. You may be doing these things, but if not, it might help you. Are you getting enough sleep? Try to be in bed by 10:30 pm if possible. Are you drinking plenty of water? Are you spending a little bit of time everyday, de-stressing? Try soaking in a tub of hot water with one cup of Epsom Salts added (This is a great way to absorb magnesium, which is generally low in depressed people.) Try to avoid sugary foods, too much caffeine, too much pasta or starchy foods. Some people (myself included) do amazingly well when I avoid wheat (gluten). Avoid foods that are artificial, have chemicals added, or have been altered from their normal state (Made to be low-fat, for example). Eat healthy fats, such as avocado and butter. Focus on green vegetables, and general healthy eating.
I say this, because I was almost immobile from depression. I dragged around all day and was overwhelmed by everything. I started making the above health changes (using a specific program), and within about two weeks, I was a totally different person. Things that had seemed so overwhelming I suddenly had the fortitude to face and deal with. I got off the plan a few months back and the old problems slowly began drifting back. I have restarted about two weeks ago, and feel so much better now, and am starting to have the emotional fortitude and physical energy to face the squalor in which I live.
As for where to start, I'd say get a trash bag and pick up one piece of obvious trash. Then another. I'd probably start in the kitchen or bathroom, as those are "work rooms" for the home. When they are neat and functional, I think it makes life easier.
Above all, stay connected with us here. You are important to us. We care about you and will do whatever we can to help and support you.
|
|
|
Post by lostchild on Sept 7, 2014 16:27:04 GMT -5
I have been in the same bad place. First get an emergency appointment with the doctor. He needs to know the meds aren't working. He can't help you unless you tell him.
Second motivation will not come when you are depressed act anyway. Find the worse 2 areas and take care of them...in your case I said two because if you clean litter box and cat poop that will immediately lift your mood in two ways...you will see you can be a responsible cat owner...the cat will feel better and you will too. Double benefit!!!
After that find the next area that is the worse like the bathroom or kitchen and start something. Pick up all the obvious trash...takeout cartons,used napkins and plasticware,any spoiled food on counters and immediately toss them. This will help. Then choose another action. Soak the dishes.
If you start the bathroom which is good too because you need a clean place for self care start with all obvious trash...used tissues,old expired makeup,used hygiene product ( I am not saying you have them or not) this is just a general list. Toss old toothbrushes. Take all the dirty towels out. After removing everything only allow what you use back...toothbrushing,toothpaste,hygiene products,clean towels and a rug that you clean.
You can private chat me for more specific info. I can try to talk you thru if you private message me. I lifted myself from level three squalor to having a house that I am proud of. I have the repair people in with no qualms. I used to be where you are at so trust me when I say that You can do this. Its just hard to begin. That's why we are here.
If you can't get an immediate appointment you can go to an emergency room they can help.
|
|
|
Post by Di on Sept 7, 2014 18:03:04 GMT -5
irisbloom, First of all, I'm so sorry. Right now, the most important thing to do is to be kind to yourself. Start small. Reward yourself for each tiny step. Try to take one tiny step at a time but do try to keep taking those steps even if you can't see where you are going. This is a suggestion. It's what works for me. I started with my bathroom because it was the smallest room and I could make the most visible difference there. It has the added advantage of giving you a pleasant place to start and end your day. My first step was getting the dirty clothes off the floor.. they always tended to accumulate in there (as a matter of fact they still do) I took several hampers and set them along the wall outside the bathroom door. I sorted as I picked up. I had a trash bag and I threw away anything that had gotten mildew on it or was ruined by my squalor Next, remove all trash. Bag it up and toss it out. Be ruthless and even toss out that half used hair spray with the rust on the bottom, and the toothpaste with the hole in the side, etc... Wash some towels so that you have clean ones to put on the towel bars. Pick up and put away the items that have migrated to the floor. Now wash your floor (Yes, floor first before toilet and tub and sink) You now have a clean place to stand and or sit as you work on cleaning the tub, Pour cleaner into the toilet and close the lid, come back later and swish and flush. If you can afford to, buy a new toilet set instead of cleaning the old one that may or may not come clean. Put away the stuff that is on the vanity. If you don't have a spot for it (I don't) get an inexpensive over the door shoe organizer and put your bathroom supplies in that. It's a miracle in my bathroom. I shuffled stuff for years because I didn't have room to store it and yet I needed it in the bathroom... hair ties in one pocket, scrubbing bubbles in another, brushes in another, extra shampoo and conditioner in another, deodorant in one, etc... It's all up and neat and tidy and CONTAINED!. If you don't have any vanity space (like me) buy a can designed to hold extra toilet paper to keep it from falling off the back of the tank, Clean the sink and counter top. Swish the toilet and flush. Light a candle, get a glass of wine, fill your tub with bubbly warm water and sink in and relax. You have earned it. Now each morning you have a place to stand and get ready for your day and each evening you have a place to relax and get ready for bed... My next focus is my bed... Can you tell I am a bit hedonistic? I do enjoy rewarding myself when I have earned it!!!!! This may not work for you at all. There are as many ways out of squalor as there are members of the forum, but start small. Take on an area that will make a visible and functional difference in your life. Take small steps. Toss as much as possible. Sort as you go so that you don't get overwhelmed and give up later. You can do this and we will be here cheering you on, every step of the way!!!!
|
|
|
Post by irisbloom on Sept 7, 2014 18:23:43 GMT -5
Wow...this has helped so much already. I feel heard and I have very useful advice from all of you. And after digesting the advice, I think I have a plan. So for starts, thank you. To answer some things directly: The bathroom is the source of my third degree while strangely will be the quickest to bring to a level .5. I say .5 because it won't be a zero until I remember to get a new shower liner and then scrub the shower. Which I won't have energy for until I perk up. So other things first. So will start there today. The marital issues are being worked on, thankfully. My husband is making changes and has a plan in place to help himself when insurance finally allows. And yes, he is willing to help. He also asked me to start today with as many loads of laundry I have the energy to wash, dry, and put away while at work and offered to get us some groceries on his way home. Said on his next day off will do his version of "emergency cleaning" and do a run through, grabbing what I haven't yet by then. Sanctuary. Yes, there are two places in my home that fit that word more than others. My desks, and my bedroom. So after the bathroom is back to a .5 will get my desks to a 1. Then will get my bedroom to a 1 by boxing up the floordrobe and trashing the trash and removing any dishes. Tomorrow morning will make my bed. I splurged months and months ago on a nice duvet cover, pillow shams, and decorative pillows. Putting them to use will make a difference. When things are at a level 1 again, I will let maintenance in. Or what I call, "goofy college student mess." After maintenance does their job and that weight is off my shoulders will try for a .5 with a 0 in some areas. I know not to expect perfection. I'm a mentally ill college student with a mentally ill husband who have a child with some special needs. Plus we have messy hobbies. My daughter and I have ruined our antique dining table staining it with marker and acrylic paint on accident. Oops. We're a bit bohemian and will just have to live with what's appropriate (squalor free, fruit fly and ant free, enough space to use everything for what it's for, etc.) and forget what others may find imperfect. Things with my pdoc are tricky. Meds are a mess for me as we've found I am very bad side-effect sensitive. Last time we tried a positive med change I became incontinent (sorry if TMI) and we had to switch back and I am scared to try again. Therapy is a better bet currently. Thank you for the self care advice. I am researching good dietary changes to make and trying to work on getting more sleep. When my kitchen is fully operational again (we need maintenance work BAD), I plan to try for a whole foods vegetarian diet low in salt with limited gluten for myself and start adding new cooked foods to my daughter's diet following her feeding therapist's instructions. (Currently we're trying fresh fruits and veggies that don't need cooked while the kitchen is in bad shape.) Back to the meds. We're basically about out of new things to try. It would be more productive at this time to talk to my therapist and will be seeing her this week. Definitely starting with the bathroom. The clothes on the floor will be removed and the litterbox and area around it cleaned, the toilet and sink cleaned, trash thrown away, cups washed. Shower will come when my energy improves but it's only mildly yucky anyway. And about feeling let down. Yes, there's a lot of that. Parties are going on that I'm not invited to, bookstore visits I'm not invited to attend, etc. Then people don't respond to me messages. It's not like I'm throwing my depression out there either. These are benign, "how are you" messages I'm hoping will start a happy conversation that will distract me from the physical and emotional pain I'm in. The good news is...between starting this thread and typing this reply, I got in contact with a "friend" and was able to express my concerns. He understood my angst and is taking the time to talk books and poetry contests with me. And since he is my academic adviser and mentor as well (we're "friends" with scare quotes because of the student/adviser relationship) we have a meeting date planned at school where he's going to help my with a lyric essay I'm working on for a grade. So...yay. Thank you all so much. This is a big help. I feel heard, understood, and have received wonderful advice. Thank you.
|
|
|
Post by irisbloom on Sept 7, 2014 18:32:44 GMT -5
Di, you replied as I was working on my big long reply. Thank you too.
The step by step guide you wrote me will work wonderfully. I will do it tomorrow after breakfast and my husband drives our daughter to school because my vyvanse will be in full swing and will give me a boost. I may just go ahead and ask him to grab a shower liner with the groceries and do the tub then. Unless my body screams no. But if I get to bed at a decent hour and take my meds on time I may be good to go.
While I'm not much of a bath person a nice hot shower with my good smelling sudsy gel will be lovely. A nice scented candle as I tend to my hair and face will be wonderful. Wine will have to wait until evening, preferably while writing creative nonfiction (hehe!) but a nice cold glass of apple juice will hit the spot.
Thank you again, everyone.
|
|
|
Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Sept 7, 2014 19:02:32 GMT -5
I started with my bathroom ... Put away the stuff that is on the vanity. If you don't have a spot for it (I don't) get an inexpensive over the door shoe organizer and put your bathroom supplies in that. It's a miracle in my bathroom. I shuffled stuff for years because I didn't have room to store it and yet I needed it in the bathroom... hair ties in one pocket, scrubbing bubbles in another, brushes in another, extra shampoo and conditioner in another, deodorant in one, etc... It's all up and neat and tidy and CONTAINED!. Interesting. I just visited a friend who does exactly this with an "over-the-door shoe-organizer" in her bathroom. Exactly as Di posted. It's quite awesome. I decided to log in here and post about it -- but Di beat me to it
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Sept 7, 2014 19:36:48 GMT -5
Irisbloom, interesting that you consider your desk a sanctuary, I do too--I call it my command center, because when things are neat on my desk I feel like I'm in control of what I'm doing and can THINK. Every morning before I sign on to the internet I vacuum my keyboard and mousepad (I have a cat who's constantly on the desk and he sheds on everything) even though I never vacuum anything else--it's important to me to see an orderly desk. So working on your desk will probably help you feel like you're getting a handle on things.
Try to participate in one of the threads and post every day, even if it's just to say you're not up to anything that day. It really helps to stay connected to others who understand how hard it is sometimes.
Diane
|
|
|
Post by hollyhock on Sept 7, 2014 20:37:48 GMT -5
irisbloom - I must say you sound much better already. It sounds like you have a good workable plan - and I am glad your dh is going to be helping you out. I'm also glad that your friend and mentor has contacted you. (Sometimes once positive energy starts, it keeps on going - and I hope yours continues to come!) And as Diane posted above, please keep posting, we are all routing for you.
|
|
|
Post by irisbloom on Sept 7, 2014 21:29:11 GMT -5
Yes, reading the replies to this thread was a mood lifter. It took me from hopeless to having some hope. Now if I can put these plans into action.
The good news is one load of laundry is in the dryer. It's a start. Tomorrow I plan to do three things: clean bathroom, clean and straighten main desk, one load of laundry washed & dried and put away. Energy permitting, will do more.
|
|
|
Post by 7sweetbabiesgranny on Sept 7, 2014 22:28:29 GMT -5
Bleh Depression Has been the bane of my existence too For me it was a hopeless doomed sadness Cry while cleaning Hard to see much I know I have had to get on some pretty powerful antidepressants Course they don't kick in very fast
|
|
|
Post by angela on Sept 7, 2014 22:45:30 GMT -5
irisbloom I'm sorry I didn't read this earlier. I am so glad you got so many good replies quickly and that you feel heard, loved, understood and that you have a plan. I find it exciting that your bathroom is the worst, 'cause it usually the smallest room and can be made right most quickly, at least in my experience. I am still just floored at the amount of open discussions about depression, it's like a door was opened here on the forum and we're all coming out of the closet with our struggles. Honestly, it's completely reframing my constant struggles with lack of maintenance routines and slow-as-molasses progress on decluttering. So here's to you irisbloom, dayeanu, 7sweetbabiesgranny, lostchild, and all the other brave members who are talking about this very real obstacle.
|
|