|
Post by Jannie on Oct 13, 2014 15:30:37 GMT -5
I haven't written in a long time. Things have been pretty peaceful. Well, not that great. I recently had surgery and radiation to remove a cancerous nodule from my thyroid. My younger daughter (25) was dumped by her boyfriend. She moved back into my house (with hubby, myself, her older sister and sister's husband. The boyfriend said he doesn't want kids and doesn't want to get married. She is pregnant, due in May. I'm shocked and surprised by her announcement. Not only that, my immediate problem is most that my two daughters have "had it" with my clutter. They have hired a dumpster to come Saturday and they plan to totally clear out my garage. That's where I have all my extra stuff stored. Computer parts, old TVs, other pieces of furniture, plus baby furniture, baby cothes and toys. I wanted to go through everything myself, especially the baby things. I saved toys and clothes for my future grandchildren, and now my daughter only wants "new things". She say the stuff I saved is no good-it has stains, bugs , mold. Not true! So now I'm in a complete panic. Should I let them just empty the garage as they planned? Should I negotiate, say I want to keep just a few really good things- and carefully pick out maybe a couple of hand-knit sweaters and let the rest go? Or should I do want I want, as I'm the oldest person, the true adult here. What I want to do is keep everything, go through it piece by piece and save as much as I can. Any furniture is in good shape, maybe just needs a good cleaning or a coat of paint. I am willing to wash and bleach all the clothing and let daughter pick what she likes. I'm thinking it could save her an awful lot of money. What should I do? Any advice is appreciated.
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Oct 13, 2014 15:39:26 GMT -5
Or should I do want I want, as I'm the oldest person, the true adult here.
Who owns the house? And the garage and everything in it?
I'm sure I should be encouraging you to get rid of stuff since that's the whole point of this site, but how is that your daughters have the right to make this decision?
If one or both of them own the house and you just live there with them, then yes, they have the right to make a decision like that--although it would be good for them to help you do it slowly.
As far as saving things for future grandchildren, there's another thread around here where most people find out that the grandchildren don't really want the saved things. So that's another topic.
As long as you're not being coerced to do something by people who have no right to tell you what to do, you could consider this the push you need to get rid of stuff--and look at it in a positive light.
If people are living in your house with little or no financial contribution, and making decisions for you, then I would have another opinion about it!
Diane
|
|
|
Post by dtesposito on Oct 13, 2014 15:40:17 GMT -5
By the way, "computer parts and old TVs" should go--there really is no use for them.
Diane
|
|
|
Post by aa on Oct 13, 2014 16:27:53 GMT -5
Sometimes "sanitizing" something can't clean the memory. Like no matter how well you are able to clean something, your daughter's may always see it as "dirty" and something they don't want near their children.
If you want to keep a few of those hand-made items for yourself, that's one thing, but I don't think you should count on being able to convince your daughters to want them.
|
|
|
Post by puppybox on Oct 13, 2014 16:41:55 GMT -5
I FULLY AGREE you need to take your power back.
but, AFTER you assert your authority, then use the opportunity to get rid of stuff.
Really, you need to have a sit down formal discussion of how life is going to proceed now that everyone in the house is an adult. It will be different than when they were minors. You technically owe them nothing. They are used to behaving as they wish but since they are not owners they still must follow rules set by the owner.
It's possible they actually know this already and that you may have some hoarding tendencies clouding your thinking (I say this with love, and not thinking that you do or do not, but that it is possible. it happens to people). I think it's likely that it is BOTH that they are kind of bossy and disrespectful AND that you have some need for assistance in getting rid of things.
I think you should look at this as an opportunity to a) think about and organise this new stage of your relationships b) get rid of stuff a little faster than you would if not pushed by outside forces.
Like exercise, you want it to hurt a little. but you don't want to feel pushed out with the garbage!
Remind them, beforehand, that removing something from someone's home without their permission is theft. You can technically call the police if they go too far. (and you should, if they go too far. not to kick them out but to talk some respect into them).
|
|
|
Post by quietbird on Oct 13, 2014 16:53:51 GMT -5
I hope your surgery was successful! And I'm very sorry to hear that your daughter's boyfriend turned out to be such a jerk. I would have a sit-down with her and explain why you wish your daughter would consider using the clothes; presumably, she won't have much money to spare, and baby clothes are used for such a short period of time it would be unfortunate to spend money there she could be using on other things she'll desperately need. If she still insists she won't use them, she probably won't. Maybe you can save some of your favorites/the best pieces and check back once she actually has the baby (her mindset may have changed), but she probably will want *some* new things. I would let them get rid of a lot of stuff, but not *everything*. I don't think it is their right yet to 'totally' clean out the garage. Definitely let go of the computer and tv pieces, furniture if it would take a lot of work. It's probably not a good use of your time or money to try to fix it (although I would hope they would make an attempt to give it away, not toss it? It doesn't sound like a crisis clean). Coming from someone who was raised in a hoarding/squalor environment, if that environment was what they had growing up, their desire to get rid of the stuff is understandable, and it might be healing for them to get rid of things, as it is for me when my parents let me do it. That said, if you truly find things worth saving, they should not be bullying you into giving them away. But make sure the things you want to save really are going to be worth it. I hope you find a balance that works for all of you.
|
|
|
Post by rededen on Oct 13, 2014 17:29:22 GMT -5
Oh Darl I feel for you. I also hope the surgery is successful. Now Darl, next question. Who owns the house? While many would say if you own it then your rules, the problem is it is not just you living there and the whole lot of you have to reach compromises. The abilities to set boundaries is also very important. When we share physical space, and if that space is at a premium, we all have to compromise. People's territory is important to them, and if the other people living in your place feel that your stuff is impeding on them, (whether it is or not isn't the issue), it's their feelings that matter, then you ALL need to sit down and discuss it. I do agree that old tv and computer parts are no use. They should go. Why are you keeping them? Honestly, they are of no use - they are out of date. Honestly, there's almost no use for them. I can hear others saying 'but it will go into landfill' - yes, it may well do, but eventually things in landfill do break down. Even old nuclear reactors that went gang busters and have had tons of concrete poured into them will one day be able to be taken apart. Might take 250,000 years, but one day even Chernobyl will be inhabitable again. That is, if we haven't died of a plague or killed ourselves off !! OK, back to the topic. The other thing is that new mums often don't want 'old' - meaning pre-loved items, no matter how useful or good they are. It's all well and good 'saving things for the grandchildren' but in this throw-away society, the grandchildren may not want them, nor the grandchildren's parents! What we throw away these days, people would have fought for 100 years ago. But that's unfortunately the nature of our current society. If your daughter is short of money, then explaining about hand-me-downs and pre-loved items may well need to be done. If she says, but mum I want new things, it might well be very necessary to show her and explain to her that new things cost money. What she wants and what's possible are two very different things. Ask where is the money coming from? I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new. For your own sake, you do need to sort out the garage. But you also need to ask, if the garage is cleared out, what is going in there. If it's a car, well that's good. If it's another's hoard, that's not good. Finding the balance, as others have said, is very important. Let us know how you get on.
|
|
|
Post by Arid on Oct 13, 2014 18:30:56 GMT -5
If it is *YOUR* house, and if they aren't paying any rent, I don't feel that they have any right to dispose of your stored items without your permission. Are they planning to *LIVE* in the garage?!! It sounds as if you have taken them in "out of the goodness of your heart." They, in turn, are "biting the hand that feeds them." Am I wrong? That is, are they contributing in any way to the support/running of the household?
If not, and if they don't like the way things are at *YOUR* house, they always can **MOVE OUT,** can't they?!! (There's yet another old saying, "Don't let the door hit you . . . on the way out! ")
If you don't take a stand on this, what will they "railroad" through next . . .?
Arid
|
|
|
Post by sunshineshouse on Oct 13, 2014 18:43:38 GMT -5
Jannie, I am sorry to hear of your health issues. I hope you are feeling better.
I agree that you need to take the authority role here. It is good of you to put a roof over the head of older daugher and her husband and now have another daughter moving back. Hmm is there really room for all of them? I can see that your younger daughter has been thrown into a difficult situation, but any possibility that the older dd and her husband can move out now? I fear that they are going to take over "mom and dad's house" and seriously you are entitled to have some time not being a parent and also not being treated as a child at this stage of your life.
No one will be living in the garage, so what is their need to clean it out? I could see if they were "helping" you to clean out a bedroom or some living space. You have worked hard all these years to have your house, and too bad if they don't like your having things stored, in a place suitable for storage. That is your right. Seriously, if my dds did that I would be right out there when the dumpster came and tell the driver I did not authorize it and get it off my property!! Really, don't let them run you - they are adults and if they don't like it they can go live elsewhere. I worry that this could be the start of them running your household and, again, you have earned the right to run your own household - and they can go run theirs. Grrrr.....
|
|
|
Post by lostchild on Oct 13, 2014 18:52:16 GMT -5
Only if you want to should you take advantage of the dumpster. That said if it's your house you have the right of refusal. They aren't doing you a favor by bullying you.
May your surgery be successful and you heal blessedly.
|
|
|
Post by razy on Oct 13, 2014 23:33:39 GMT -5
Jannie, respectfully, I get the feeling we are not hearing the whole story here. I am guessing your family is asking you to make a choice between your things and your grandchildren. I know you think you are showing how much you love your family by keeping so much stuff for them but it sounds like what they want from you is some space and for you to let things go. Your daughters may not have been able to fight you for your time/attention/space when they were children but they will take on the battle for the sake of their own children. Just remember love sits at the bottom this situation. Find a way everyone in the family can share it. Kia kaha
|
|
|
Post by joyinvirginia on Oct 13, 2014 23:46:51 GMT -5
Old TVs and olds computer parts really need to go, no charity will take them. Believe me, we have tried! If a TV is not new flat screen, the charities can't sell them. There might be local regulations about recycling electronics, who ever rents the dumpster should know. I had some clothes store in plastic bags in the garage saving them for the church yard sale. When I got ready to take the stuff a couple weeks ago, found most of the clothing smelled funky, some of it had gotten wet and moldy, and 90% was thrown into the garbage. And remembering when my kids were little, my sister in law gave me used baby clothes. I couldn't use 90%. I didn't want old stuff my mother had saved except maybe two heirloom quality items. If your dd says she does not want the saved items, BELIEVE HER! And get rid of it. Garages are for cars. Get the garage cleaned out and park that vehicle in there!
|
|
|
Post by Jannie on Oct 14, 2014 16:15:53 GMT -5
I'm calming down a bit, all your answers and advice have helped. Yes, I'm a hoarder and this is a wake-up call. I dearly love my daughters and my son in law. It is my house, my garage, my stuff. I SHOULD be getting rid of the old useless things, the TVs and computer stuff. I went in the garage today and donated two bags of clothes to a local charity. They were put away clean and have not got wet or anything. If the charity wants, they can sell them as rags. I don't care, they're gone. I will actually welcome the dumpster, it's a chance to get rid of old things. My family will then help me donate or toss anything I don't need or want. I do understand my daughter wanting nice, NEW things for her baby. I will put away a few things, maybe the hand-knit sweaters and really good wood toys, and bring them out at a later date, after the baby is born. She may "soften" a little. The company came Tuesday and hauled away the dumpster. I stood in the kitchen and watched out the window. The driver covered the top of the dumpster with a big tarp, then hooked it up and slowly drove away. I feel at peace about the stuff that's gone. Plus, I now have a great excuse. If I want to look for something and can't find it easily, I can always blame it on the dumpster.
|
|
|
Post by larataylor on Oct 14, 2014 16:39:54 GMT -5
I'm calming down a bit, all your answers and advice have helped. Yes, I'm a hoarder and this is a wake-up call. I dearly love my daughters and my son in law. It is my house, my garage, my stuff. I SHOULD be getting rid of the old useless things, the TVs and computer stuff. I went in the garage today and donated two bags of clothes to a local charity. They were put away clean and have not got wet or anything. If the charity wants, they can sell them as rags. I don't care, they're gone. I will actually welcome the dumpster, it's a chance to get rid of old things. My family will then help me donate or toss anything I don't need or want. I do understand my daughter wanting nice, NEW things for her baby. I will put away a few things, maybe the hand-knit sweaters and really good wood toys, and bring them out at a later date, after the baby is born. She may "soften" a little. Jannie, if these people are dear to you, and you like having them in your house, think of it as making room for what you love. Not that you're putting the people in the garage … But you could perhaps store some less-often-used things in the garage that are currently crowding your living spaces. The garage could also be a play or craft area. I like the idea of using our available space to do things rather than have things. Then have only the things you need for what you (the daughters, the grandkids) love to do.
|
|
|
Post by quietbird on Oct 14, 2014 16:44:15 GMT -5
I am so pleased to hear that, Jannie! I think you will feel a sense of lightness and freedom you may not even realized was missing. Parting with what you can is great, and keeping the best of the things is also wise. An excellent compromise. Am curious to hear back once the dumpster arrives.
|
|