|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 16, 2014 8:40:09 GMT -5
The truth is, though, that many times when your house is a mess you let yourself go (or vice versa). Maybe I've just trained myself to be this way. Maybe a cleaner home would make me feel better enough to address my appearance? Oh boy, is that ever true! When I was at my lowest, I lived in my clothes. Or my nightgown. I was depressed and didn't care about anything, *least* of all how I looked or what the house looked like. I made a conscious effort to address my appearance a few months ago: I made myself get up and dress myself in something I liked. Now it's to the point that I'll get up, put something nice on, and then have to change into something more suitable for cleaning, ha ha. But it's made a huge impact on my attitude, and that's something that *had* to change, for me to actually make changes. Actually, I don't think that is because we don't care. It is more rather that we think we don't deserve it. It really is an act of punishing ourselves. And the whole "it's just going to get messy again anyway..."..yeah been there, got the T-Shirt.
|
|
|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 16, 2014 9:06:47 GMT -5
I respond in acts of giving a lot but I find that many people interpret it as my duty. Duty. I think there is a fine line between duty and acts of service out of love. It is my DUTY to say, keep my house clean and feed my family. By this I mean it is my duty to mop the floors, vaccuum, do laundry, sweep, cook, grocery shopping..i.e. the basic household tasks and repairs. I do not expect my husband or children to do those basic tasks any more than my son expects me to go to school or the hubs expects me to go to work. The family as a whole, on the other hand , have a responsibility to say. the pets...yet all of a sudden that falls under my DUTY. I clean the litter boxes, it is my DS chore to give the cats food and water. If DS forgets I may commit the loving act of doing that chore for him. Or I might even do it at a time that is convenient for me just so he doesn't have to do it. That, to me, is an act of service to my son. To be done only occasionally. If I do it more than that it gets lumped in with my DUTY because the cats (or other animals) still need to be fed and if they are not taken care of the will make it difficult to perform my actual duties. Especially since the animals do not count as a necessarry addition to the home as a requirement for health. The same goes for your friends children. What started out as an act of love and service has turned into your DUTY. After all those children need to be fed and kept safe. You would feel GUILT if the needs of those children weren't met. Just like I would feel guilt if the pets were not taken care of even though their care was supposed to be a shared responsibility. My husband's idea of an act of service is to let me sleep in late or bring me a cup of coffee, or "watch the kids" if I want to go out on my own. He will take the kids out of the house but only if he thinks I need the time to "clean" or "work". *sigh*
|
|
|
Post by lostchild on Oct 16, 2014 9:09:31 GMT -5
Trust me I feel like this becoming my duty may not be my responsibility. I feel like the parents need to step up to the plate!!!
|
|
|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 16, 2014 9:15:21 GMT -5
Trust me I feel like this becoming my duty may not be my responsibility. I feel like the parents need to step up to the plate!!! Oh definitely, the parents are to blame. They have duty to the children that they are passing onto you. It puts you in the position of saying no and alienating those friends and/or putting the children in a bad position. You are, in effect, in a no win situation. Even if you get the time you need it's difficult to be at ease with the negative out come, even though it's NOT your fault.
|
|
|
Post by puzzleqt on Oct 16, 2014 14:51:14 GMT -5
I think discussing the love languages as a family and have everyone make lists of what makes them feel loved and post them on the wall or place in family binder. That way people know what makes everyone happy and they don't have to guess. The other thing is to discuss boundaries and family responsibilities (this is a regular reminder discussion).
|
|
|
Post by cyn on Oct 17, 2014 8:57:12 GMT -5
Desiree, your take on it is interesting to me - because it's very different than my own: "Actually, I don't think that is because we don't care. It is more rather that we think we don't deserve it. It really is an act of punishing ourselves." In my case, I *really* didn't care. Maybe that's depression talking, and I didn't see that? But regardless, I didn't care that the litter box was dirty and my cat was pooping beside it instead, or that I smelled from sleeping in the same clothes I'd been wearing for days, or that my bedroom was covered in cobwebs, going on endlessly in the same vein... I wasn't punishing myself - what I thought I deserved (and insisted upon) was peace and quiet, to be left undisturbed. I had to break that, and I'm slowly coming around. So I joined a zumba class, ha!!!
|
|
|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 17, 2014 9:17:55 GMT -5
Desiree, your take on it is interesting to me - because it's very different than my own: "Actually, I don't think that is because we don't care. It is more rather that we think we don't deserve it. It really is an act of punishing ourselves." In my case, I *really* didn't care. Maybe that's depression talking, and I didn't see that? But regardless, I didn't care that the litter box was dirty and my cat was pooping beside it instead, or that I smelled from sleeping in the same clothes I'd been wearing for days, or that my bedroom was covered in cobwebs, going on endlessly in the same vein... I wasn't punishing myself - what I thought I deserved (and insisted upon) was peace and quiet, to be left undisturbed. I had to break that, and I'm slowly coming around. So I joined a zumba class, ha!!! I found that sometimes I am punishing myself by NOT taking that Zumba class, or visiting friends, or allowing friends over. Yesterday the tax assessor for the town came. I was so embarrassed about the state of the house I told him to come back next spring. Seriously.
|
|
|
Post by cyn on Oct 17, 2014 9:27:34 GMT -5
I understand. I have 2 dogs, so whoever comes to the door gets the same excuse, "Sorry, I can't let you in because the dogs are loose." Meanwhile, they're sweet and love attention - but the barking makes them sound ferocious - nobody ever insists on entering, perfect.
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Oct 17, 2014 21:27:12 GMT -5
Thank you for posting . I am very interested in reading about this…Mostly for DH
|
|
|
Post by lostchild on Oct 20, 2014 21:45:23 GMT -5
You can see us walking around unfortunately. We live in a neighborhood where you can see my car in driveway. I have one running car so if its here I am here.
|
|
|
Post by wynken on Oct 20, 2014 23:15:21 GMT -5
lostchild - there was once a thread where people practiced saying NO. The other parents won't want to hear it. It might take them a while to hear that you really mean it. Hoping you can stop being an unpaid babysitter. Maybe giving them a bill would help them see your point of view.
|
|
|
Post by lostchild on Oct 20, 2014 23:31:02 GMT -5
They tried to have me babysit and then after daughter is here several hours later call and tell her to tell me that she needs to be ready to leave at 6a.m.
I made her call her mother and I told her I wasn't going to get up at 5 a.m. to have her daughter ready to go at 6 a.m. on a weekend and I told her to come pick her up immediately. She did.
She then arrives and tries to tell me "We" need to do something for my exhubby who took her kids out after she says she is going to pick up her husband and the baby who was asleep and come back...she never came back. I ended up watching 2 disabled adults and six children under 10 and I paid for part of the tokens for the arcade games and drinks.
My exhubby visited while I checked on kids,refereed squabbles and help them turn in tickets for prizes. We then drove where I help supervise the kids,serve the food and attend to everybody at the restaurant.
I told her that since I had happen to stay and help whereas she went home...had her mother in law watch the baby and went to sleep I have wasn't under any obligation. I told her and I emphasized the word SHE should do something nice because I showed up to his invitation and didn't lie and say I'll be back and saddle other people with my kids! She shut up and left!
|
|
|
Post by wynken on Oct 21, 2014 1:01:27 GMT -5
Steam would be exiting my ears lostchild. I feel sorry for her children, but feel more sorry that she keeps leaving them at your place. Hoping there will be a way to get a message through that thick skull of the "mother".
|
|
|
Post by PaperGrace on Oct 21, 2014 10:17:01 GMT -5
Can you pass the buck to her MIL? That way you'll know someone has their eye on the kids.
|
|
|
Post by hurricane on Oct 22, 2014 11:21:11 GMT -5
lostchild, you said this mother has a baby....do you think it's possible she's suffering from postpartum depression? I know from personal experience that PPD can make it seem like you "take advantage of others" when the fact is you just can't function. Not that is your responsibility to fix her family/kid/depression problems, but perhaps you might suggest to her that it's time to get some professional help. Only when my PPD was at it's most severe did I figure out that something was seriously wrong with me....before that I just chalked it up to exhaustion (which could explain her napping habit).
|
|