|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 24, 2014 10:08:02 GMT -5
We've all been there right? My husband is at the dump. With a friends and that friends garbage. Yes, you read that right. Meanwhile the washing machine repairman is supposed to be here between 12 and 5 and we have full basement of garbage. Why am I bothering?
|
|
|
Post by Di on Oct 24, 2014 10:22:40 GMT -5
Remind him that turn about is fair play and ask when he AND Friend be taking care of his garbage
|
|
|
Post by lucie on Oct 24, 2014 11:34:04 GMT -5
This may sound harsh, but as I have read you introduction, I want to ask: why are you still living with that man? Maybe the story of lostchild would be interesting for you. P.S. I mean no offence. Only I could not live with someone like that.
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Oct 24, 2014 11:38:35 GMT -5
Hello desireelafleur Even grown-ups behave like children sometimes…during stressful times and times when they really need to pull up their big- boy underwear and help darn it! Please try not to take offense to this: an "avoidance" behavior. Just keep calm and ask him if he could please come and help. Even one bag out is better than none.
|
|
|
Post by lostchild on Oct 24, 2014 12:23:10 GMT -5
I know its frustrating when people go out of their way to help a friend when wife is at home doing with no help so tell him that. Maybe he just doesn't get it.
|
|
|
Post by cyn on Oct 24, 2014 12:58:34 GMT -5
How nice of your DH to help his friend rid himself of his garbage...ahem..."Now the two of you can hustle over to our place and do the same?" said with the background sound of a whip cracking...seriously! I know how you feel- when a repairman has to get at the appliances, that's that. End of story, garbage out, period. Good luck, and don't give up!
|
|
|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 24, 2014 13:01:37 GMT -5
I am really feeling such low self esteem right now. I hate myself and I feel like the most horrid mother in the world. My husband is a master at avoidance behavior. My husband blew off this same friend four times when said friend was asking my husband for help moving. (often blaming this friend for making poor life decisions and my husband wasn't going to "bail him out") It was only after volunteering to help me and making a commitment to me, that my husband saw the error of his ways with his friend, and helped him with his trash. Then when he got home and I was justifiably upset he told me it was my fault that he left (because I am so angry all the time and he knew that I was going to be mad when he got home) and that he didn't feel bad about not helping me because I didn't care about him anymore. I have always had self-esteem issues but they have grown worse over the years. My husband has gone so far as to take pictures of the squalorous basement and said that things would get ugly in court if if we divorced and I didn't split the children up between us.
|
|
|
Post by cyn on Oct 24, 2014 13:11:59 GMT -5
Don't allow your DH's attitude to ruin your own. You're not deserving of self-hatred, and you're certainly not the worst mother in the world! I don't know why he isn't helping you, when it's his home too. Ugh, I'd be crabby - very crabby! My DH has some of the same tendencies, where he doesn't want to be around me when we're both nasty to each other. Fine, then *get the work done* in silence! Just get it done, and don't waste time taking pictures - and what's that going to prove anyway, that's he's happy to let you do *all* the work?! Geez!
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Oct 24, 2014 13:19:25 GMT -5
Hello Des I hope he is not trying to worm out of helping the friend (blaming you) and trying to start something with you-worming out of helping you as well today. That would be a "Two-for the price of one" move.
|
|
|
Post by angela on Oct 24, 2014 13:23:46 GMT -5
desireelafleur I don't know your whole story so I apologize. Just based on my own experience and the experiences of others here, it is a losing battle to expect help from someone who is not able or willing to help. Doesn't matter what their reason is, avoidance, demand resistance, disability, etc. If they haven't helped before, it is very doubtful they will start helping with any pressure from us. Cleaning up our own problems, for our own benefit is the only sure path out of the mess. Sometimes, if we're lucky, the other person will get on board and start doing their part, but sometimes not. It's intensely frustrating I know...but we only make ourselves miserable and sick when we expect other people to do what we think they should.
|
|
|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 24, 2014 13:39:01 GMT -5
angela, in my head I know that you are correct. I have been taking that approach with moderate success. I let him hoodwink me though. He was going to get up early with me. He was going to help me clean. He was going to help with garbage...I did not ask him to do this. Originally I had no expectations other than that he might watch the little one while I worked (i.e. pacify the little one with TV and Computer time). But he promised me. Told my eldest son it wasn't fair to make Mom do all the work and then he bailed. Why do I allow myself to believe him. I would have been annoyed with little to no help before, but then to be promised and left alone again...I feel like such a fool.
|
|
|
Post by larataylor on Oct 24, 2014 14:16:10 GMT -5
I let him hoodwink me though. He was going to get up early with me. He was going to help me clean. He was going to help with garbage...I did not ask him to do this. Originally I had no expectations …. But he promised me. I've cut DH off when he was telling me what he was going to do. The false hope and the broken promise just make it worse. It's like they made you happy with the promise, and now they're done. My DH also does a lot of things for friends, but won't do the same things if I ask for them. It may work better to ask the FRIEND … or in front of the friend … if that's possible.
|
|
|
Post by angela on Oct 24, 2014 14:54:08 GMT -5
desireelafleur I am so sorry he let you down like this. That is not a good way for him to treat you. You aren't a fool for believing him. He is your husband and you have hope that he will do what he has promised. It is natural and right to feel disappointed with him. But you are not a fool. You are a hopeful, loving, kind person who needs to be able to trust her husband. Now, that you know you can't, you have the power to decide how to proceed with the clean-up. Do what you can do yourself, and ask someone else for help with the rest. It won't be him unfortunately, that is a fact it seems. Do your very very best to let go of what you think he should be doing and just accept what he actually does. Actions are the only thing that count right now, not his words. Big hugs to you.
|
|
|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 24, 2014 15:25:00 GMT -5
I let him hoodwink me though. He was going to get up early with me. He was going to help me clean. He was going to help with garbage...I did not ask him to do this. Originally I had no expectations …. But he promised me. I've cut DH off when he was telling me what he was going to do. The false hope and the broken promise just make it worse. It's like they made you happy with the promise, and now they're done. My DH also does a lot of things for friends, but won't do the same things if I ask for them. It may work better to ask the FRIEND … or in front of the friend … if that's possible. I have done the same. The fact that I have to resort to such behavior drives me insane. I have called people (my father, in laws, friends). Each time he'll sing my praises to them always with the caveat "I said I'd help her. But she said she didn't want it." or "I told her as soon as I get the time would help but she went ahead and did it anyway without me". Sometimes those people even get "Des is in one of her MOODS." 1 time in 10 he might actually help. It has come to the point where I am embarrassed to ask for more favors or help. My DS, however, is super helpful. It is true that he won't help unless asked but he does what I ask without complaint and only drags his feet a wee bit. He is such a good boy. I am blessed. I did get a lot accomplished downstairs although it is by no means perfect and some people would look at it and not see progress at all. But I do. I've gotten rid of 99% of the trash in the laundry/woodstove area. Cleaned up kitty messes and paper messes and messes that combine the two. Gathered all the laundry into the wait pile so I can start a load after the repairman leaves...There is still a lot of clutter to trash/donate but it is 50% sorted and organized.
|
|
|
Post by desireelafleur on Oct 24, 2014 15:27:36 GMT -5
desireelafleur I am so sorry he let you down like this. That is not a good way for him to treat you. You aren't a fool for believing him. He is your husband and you have hope that he will do what he has promised. It is natural and right to feel disappointed with him. But you are not a fool. You are a hopeful, loving, kind person who needs to be able to trust her husband. Now, that you know you can't, you have the power to decide how to proceed with the clean-up. Do what you can do yourself, and ask someone else for help with the rest. It won't be him unfortunately, that is a fact it seems. Do your very very best to let go of what you think he should be doing and just accept what he actually does. Actions are the only thing that count right now, not his words. Big hugs to you. Thank you. I despair of having the will power to not believe him. He says I don't love him but my heart aches with every promise he breaks. Yet I still let him say the nice flowery words and I still believe him every. single. time. I don't know why.
|
|