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Post by hurricane on Oct 24, 2014 16:56:18 GMT -5
Des, I have been in your shoes regarding the non-help from the spouse. I am disabled with an autoimmune disease that limits my mobility....I often have to use a walker or a wheelchair, though sometimes I can limp along with no physical aids. I felt it was extremely unfair for my hubs not to help with cleaning. I begged, I cried, I pleaded....he promised, and said lots of words, and even took days off work to "help." I can tell you that he has never helped me clean, ever. Ever. Things got a lot better when I just took it upon my crippled self to get it done....a few times I had to hire help for the things I absolutely couldn't do. Counting on him was a path to frustration, resentment, and near-divorce. You must accept in your heart that you're on your own. This can be extremely freeing as it leaves YOU as the one in power....you don't have to wait upon anyone else doing anything! Here's what my personal decision process was: was my husband not helping me clean (and all the broken promises around that) worth me leaving him? I decided that I do in fact love him....that he has many fine and desirable qualities in a mate. However, this man is not going to clean and I must live with that. And I do live with that, though not always joyfully (but I try). Reflect on your relationship with him. Understand that he will likely never change, regardless of the words he speaks. (Side note: I believe broken promises represent our spouses good intentions, but they break down on the actual execution of the promise). Does he have enough good qualities that you can bear this burden of cleaning yourself? Because it IS a burden to maintain a clean house....yet you would have to maintain a clean house by yourself even if you left him and lived alone. These are just things for you to consider....use them or discard them as you see fit.  |
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Post by dayeanu on Oct 24, 2014 21:47:00 GMT -5
It is my opinion that sometimes - not always - but sometimes - when people repeatedly make promises they don't keep, they are doing it to manipilate/control you. Sometimes, I think, it is a passive-aggressive act. I know that it can leave you feeling worthless and unvalued.
I'm not saying that is what your DH is doing. I'm just saying that sometimes tha that is why people do that.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Sending you hugs.
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Blackswan
Banned
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 6,388
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Post by Blackswan on Oct 25, 2014 3:18:41 GMT -5
Good son is a reflection of a good mom! Keep up the good work. Yes you need to take your power back and clean on your own. He is a mess, making promises he can't keep, living in squalor without cleaning , procrastinating and avoiding to a great degree-
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Post by cyn on Oct 25, 2014 9:27:21 GMT -5
To add to what dayeanu mentioned: yes, sometimes it's about manipulation. But other times it's simply that they *do* want to help, and it's not so much empty promises - but they want to do it on their terms. I know with my DH, I'd want to get things done nownownow, but he'd sleep until 11am and then slowly get going. Well, by 1pm I'd lost all motivation, and blamed him for my lack of enthusiasm. So nothing much ever got done. I was bitter and angry, and then he sulked. Not much fun, a filthy home, just miserable all around.
That was a while ago. Now, I do things to make myself happy. If I want to get up and tackle a mess, I do. If I want to fill a bag for donations, or load the dishwasher, do laundry...whatever, I'll do it when I want to without trying to get him involved. I shove his stuff in a box, and place it in a corner where I can't see it - it's not a perfect plan, but it's out of my sight. I've been making some nice progress on our messy home - without his help - and I know he's being affected my my actions. The dump run he did not long ago was old rotted lumber from a shed he'd torn down 6 years ago. Yup, a pile 6 years in the making, what an eyesore...and it finally disappeared just this month!
I know the desolation that comes from hearing fabulous talk and wonderful promises, making plans - but then never actually following through. I was so incredibly upset by this. I thought we'd separate, because I couldn't take it anymore. I got crabby, and would cut him off: "Just stop with the empty words. Actions speak louder, so you've said all you need to say with your *inaction*. Just cut the crap." IDK how we got out of our rut, but something changed by us working independently.
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 25, 2014 10:38:07 GMT -5
The repairman came yesterday and....my washing machine is still not fixed. Apparently it was something to do with the intake valve (we have hard water and it was clogged) and the drainage hose. Those were not explicitly covered under warranty so my husband said that he would do it and sent the repairman on his way....but of course this requires going to home depot for the parts (and, of course for H to make it a priority *ahem*)...and it's almost noon and I am out of clean clothes...(when I did a laundry run at my father's house I had brought towels sheets and everyone else's clothes and underwear...) I feel good about the progress I made with the basement yesterday...it's hard to give myself amnesty about feeding the LO junk and letting him use electronics all day, though. Yesterday I checked in here every other hour or so. The contents of each post gave me hope, but more than that, just knowing that people care enough to post without judgement, for someone you have never even met...it is very humbling and I am very grateful. Also I think people here know how to give a "gentle" kick in the pants to shake me out of my self-pity. How can I possibly be whining when Hurricane battles physical limitations in addition to non-involvement with her spouse? How can I not hitch-up my big girl pants when other wives/hubbies have run the same verbal battle with their spouses...and not only remain in the marriage but manage not to let bitterness take over? Oh, and I need to remember that I am not the only person who suffers from depression. Other people here have, as well, and they are making the best of it. If you all can, I can too! It would be easier if I didn't have to hand wash my undies though!  |
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 25, 2014 10:43:17 GMT -5
Good son is a reflection of a good mom! Keep up the good work. Yes you need to take your power back and clean on your own. He is a mess, making promises he can't keep, living in squalor without cleaning , procrastinating and avoiding to a great degree- My H is super intelligent and has a real problem with authority. Requests become orders. Societal norms are akin to brainwashing. He spends his days in constant conflict with the world...he's almost 50 though time to get over it... |
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Post by cyn on Oct 25, 2014 10:48:40 GMT -5
Look on the bright side: by hand washing your undies, you're prolonging their life. Maybe if I'd hand washed my beautiful turquoise bra, I'd still have it, in perfect condition, and I wouldn't have overindulged at the La Senza Outlet?  Here's hoping that the needed parts become a priority to more than simply yourself - poking fun now, sometimes you just have to smile. Hugs! |
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 25, 2014 10:52:40 GMT -5
To add to what dayeanu mentioned: yes, sometimes it's about manipulation. But other times it's simply that they *do* want to help, and it's not so much empty promises - but they want to do it on their terms. I know with my DH, I'd want to get things done nownownow, but he'd sleep until 11am and then slowly get going. Well, by 1pm I'd lost all motivation, and blamed him for my lack of enthusiasm. So nothing much ever got done. I was bitter and angry, and then he sulked. Not much fun, a filthy home, just miserable all around. That was a while ago. Now, I do things to make myself happy. If I want to get up and tackle a mess, I do. If I want to fill a bag for donations, or load the dishwasher, do laundry...whatever, I'll do it when I want to without trying to get him involved. I shove his stuff in a box, and place it in a corner where I can't see it - it's not a perfect plan, but it's out of my sight. I've been making some nice progress on our messy home - without his help - and I know he's being affected my my actions. The dump run he did not long ago was old rotted lumber from a shed he'd torn down 6 years ago. Yup, a pile 6 years in the making, what an eyesore...and it finally disappeared just this month! I know the desolation that comes from hearing fabulous talk and wonderful promises, making plans - but then never actually following through. I was so incredibly upset by this. I thought we'd separate, because I couldn't take it anymore. I got crabby, and would cut him off: "Just stop with the empty words. Actions speak louder, so you've said all you need to say with your *inaction*. Just cut the crap." IDK how we got out of our rut, but something changed by us working independently. My H would tell me that he would do more if I would just help him. Which in his language means my telling him what needs to be done, countering his arguments to stall, urging him to get started, and standing over his shoulder to nag him until the bare minimum is met. That's just as draining and soul sucking as broken promises and resigning myself to going it alone. I wish that I had the "urge" to have a clean home. larataylor said a while ago that now that she has a clean living area she NEEDS to maintain it. I want to get to that point. Where I actually feel satisfied when my cleaning chores are up to date with no lingering resentment...*sigh* |
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 25, 2014 10:59:47 GMT -5
Look on the bright side: by hand washing your undies, you're prolonging their life. Maybe if I'd hand washed my beautiful turquoise bra, I'd still have it, in perfect condition, and I wouldn't have overindulged at the La Senza Outlet? Here's hoping that the needed parts become a priority to more than simply yourself - poking fun now, sometimes you just have to smile. Hugs! I actually looked at wikihow to learn handwashing techniques... how far we housewives have fallen.... |
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Post by Script on Oct 25, 2014 11:19:44 GMT -5
My mother age 88 hand washes lingerie in the shower. I know runners who likewise wash shorts after a run --- in the shower.
I myself have handwashed lingerie in bath tubs in hotel rooms. Stomping on them like old fashioned grape crushers. My friend Mrs Teacher took a photo of me doing this. Snort. Keep your spirits up dearie.
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Post by angela on Oct 25, 2014 11:47:44 GMT -5
I did get a lot accomplished downstairs although it is by no means perfect and some people would look at it and not see progress at all. But I do. I've gotten rid of 99% of the trash in the laundry/woodstove area. Cleaned up kitty messes and paper messes and messes that combine the two. Gathered all the laundry into the wait pile so I can start a load after the repairman leaves...There is still a lot of clutter to trash/donate but it is 50% sorted and organized. AWESOME!! |
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Post by angela on Oct 25, 2014 12:00:45 GMT -5
When my now deceased housemate/partner S and I first began co-habitation, I went through a period of HUGE resentment that he did not lift a finger to clean. What changed...I took a good, hard look at who and what was actually contributing to the squalor and disorder in the house and wow, it was ME and MY pets and MY stuff. That really shut my mouth let me tell you. Then I made a list of all the things he had taken it upon himself to do in contribution to us, to me, to our lifestyle. He chopped the wood, he cooked the dinners, he bought the groceries, he kept the vehicles and machines running, he reloaded bullets for me, he ran errands for me, he listened to me..on and on and on...now I'm crying..  While I was so busy being resentful and looking at the things he didn't do, I had completely missed the things that he did do. He definitely earned all those hours he spent sitting on the couch while I did dishes or mopped.  |
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Post by lostchild on Oct 25, 2014 12:15:06 GMT -5
Just remember sometimes we have to go it alone whether we like it or not. When I was married my husband was disabled and to keep us afloat I worked three jobs plus cleaned. I grew resentful because he never appreciated it.
I am alone now and ironically he does more because he had to. He has to clean now. Ask yourself what would he do if you weren't there...then do it. In that viewpoint you'll feel better.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 25, 2014 12:34:19 GMT -5
At times I've really felt like a slave. DH was adamant about the fact that he didn't *want* a clean house. If I *wanted* a clean house, then I should clean the house ...so he had the "right" to strew things all over the place, and pack and pile junk into all available space in our home … and if I wanted it clean, I had to pretty much follow him around, picking up stuff.
Ugh - the twisted logic just makes me want a divorce. And when I'm depressed, it's hopeless. I can't even get up to be a slave, and the mess just piles up around all of us.
I'm sitting here with my new lizard light pointed at me. I think I feel better already. Hope. Hope. I'm so DONE with depression … Ain't got TIME for dat sh*t.
But it's really powerful to get that you're alone and YOU have to fix your own life. Let go of whose fault it is. If someone abandoned you in the wilderness … you could sit there and think about how bad and wrong that was, and how he should really come back and rescue you … or you could survive and find your way out. Realizing that the other person isn't going to help and just letting go of that angst can make way for your own plans and actions.
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Post by cyn on Oct 25, 2014 14:16:30 GMT -5
Hey, we're not alone - we have each other! It's not the same as having someone right there to help...as long as we can *nag* them into it, that is...humph, how many arguments have DH and I had over my "nagging" lmao?! I'd always counter with, "It's not called nagging! The proper term is *reminding* and if you don't like it, then you can easily do it the first time!" Oh the fun of non-stop bickering, eh?
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