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Post by cyn on Oct 27, 2014 9:48:34 GMT -5
Is your husband currently unemployed? When my DH wasn't working, I was *always* fed up with him. I know he was depressed, and he couldn't get things done because of that. But I didn't help much because since I was working, I'd be infuriated if he neglected to complete the tasks I'd ask of him. That's a very tough spot to be in. Sending good thoughts your way, and hoping his interview goes well!
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 27, 2014 10:40:58 GMT -5
Is your husband currently unemployed? When my DH wasn't working, I was *always* fed up with him. I know he was depressed, and he couldn't get things done because of that. But I didn't help much because since I was working, I'd be infuriated if he neglected to complete the tasks I'd ask of him. That's a very tough spot to be in. Sending good thoughts your way, and hoping his interview goes well! Interviews can only go well when you actually go to them. He never set an alarm. I guess he thought I was going to wake him.....he woke up briefly now he's sleeping again. *sigh*
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Post by cyn on Oct 27, 2014 11:02:18 GMT -5
OMG. Hugs, and maybe some of that stiff drink we were joking about? Seriously, if you don't wake him up then he sleeps through his interview. But let me guess: he's miserable when you do try to get him up? Deja vu, there. I used to tell my DH not to worry about a thing, because eventually, he'd be living under a bridge - and then he'd have nothing to worry about anyway, so why bother? Don't get up, don't look for work, don't help around the house, nope - don't bother about anything. Just don't think these days will last forever, because I'm going to lose my freaking mind and it will be *all over*. Sorry this is happening to you. I know it sucks like nothing else can suck.
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 27, 2014 11:36:47 GMT -5
Heh, the kids have no idea how much Irish I put in my coffee. Thanks for being so nice. I forget fairly quickly that other people have been and are suffering other than me. So anyway I am done venting. Observations for today. Dishes done. Child fed. Books put on bookshelf. Cat litter changed. Recycling bagged. Small things but it's a start.
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Post by lostchild on Oct 27, 2014 17:25:11 GMT -5
My mental shift was I realized if I didn't lead my family they would run amuck.
My friend's son was taking a bath last night...he's five and I helped him get clean and washed his hair and got him out of tub and he asked me "Are you a teacher?" and I said no." What are you? " I told him I was a Mommy and he looked at me...he said you're not like my mommy...sad look! She had ran to do something and forgot him. When she got in the house she was like "oh yeah!".
These kids are so sad and it breaks my heart. The kids overheard their mom talking about transferring them schools again. They've been back and forth between two school where she transfers them in and out depending where they are staying and the kids told her straight they don't want to be moved again. It would be fourth time this year.
Her daughter was sent home stress related illness. So her mother sat there questioning her where did she go with her dad. She got somewhat offended when I told her not to question the child but to question her husband.
My point is no one is leading this family. Dad is working 12 hour shifts to get money...they don't stay at same place even every night not even same hotel, Mom is Willie nillie and the kids are affected.
My point...Take charge!!!!
No one can be happy when they don't know what direction they are going. Even in cleaning there needs to be a leader. If you set the example others will follow. Your kids will be happier and so will you!
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Post by TML on Oct 27, 2014 18:14:53 GMT -5
Actually Mom even had fits when I went through my stuff. She would save anything I was trying to toss or give away and then say it was hers and it joined the hoard.
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 28, 2014 14:22:52 GMT -5
Actually Mom even had fits when I went through my stuff. She would save anything I was trying to toss or give away and then say it was hers and it joined the hoard. This happens in my house a lot. My husband has made excuses for keeping dollar store sand pails with cracks in them. I have watched him go through garbage and save clothing that the cats have soiled. I have watched him leave totes of books out in the rain so that they go moldy and mildew-y and think they can be saved if they are spread out over the yard in the sun. lostchild I think I am scared of "taking charge". In the example above taking charge would mean taking the totes of moldy books and throwing them away over my husband's protests. The truth is I don't like confrontation and I haven't gotten to the level of cat noises yet.
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Post by lostchild on Oct 28, 2014 21:08:23 GMT -5
Learn to ignore and persevere. Ignore them and toss stuff. Its the only way to gain control. You have to ignore and toss. No matter how much something comes back take it out. Ask him are you a hoarder and see what he says.
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Post by 7sweetbabiesgranny on Oct 29, 2014 9:37:17 GMT -5
There is a really good story on here about someone who's husband was absolutely no help She finally accepted that he never was going to do anything And just started plugging away I will look for it Very inspiring
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Post by larataylor on Oct 29, 2014 22:39:34 GMT -5
There is a really good story on here about someone who's husband was absolutely no help She finally accepted that he never was going to do anything And just started plugging away I will look for it Very inspiring D'you mean Fivecats' story in Favorite Threads?
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Post by larataylor on Oct 29, 2014 23:00:23 GMT -5
I think I became "the leader" when we moved into this house. My depression lifted a bit, and my perspective shifted. I started thinking in terms of "our next house" and "the next 20 years" (with my DH). And I was NOT going to let this house get destroyed or suffer in squalor for the next 20 years.
I JUST WASN'T.
It became very clear to me that squaloring is abusive. We can LOVE alcoholics, drug addicts, people with hot tempers, kleptomaniacs, or whatever … but love does not mean accepting the behavior (in ourselves or others). So my attitude now is: The mess has gotta go … I'm not going to stop working on it … you can help or get out of the way.
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Post by desireelafleur on Oct 30, 2014 6:43:35 GMT -5
I have read fivecats posts. It is very inspiring. I do more now that I have started coming to the board but I am still a long ways away from where I want to be. As someone pointed out earlier there is a difference between "not helping" and "hindering" and, in my case, downright mean spirited sabotage at times. Blech.
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Post by cyn on Oct 30, 2014 8:00:18 GMT -5
IMO, it's better to think in more generalized terms: the old "you're either part of the problem, or part of the solution" because it doesn't really matter what's motivating this lack of help. Could be sabotage, could be a broken leg - either way, you know you're the one doing all the work, so why make the job even more difficult by getting in a bad mood - or worse, if it's sabotage! I have a mental image of taking one of those huge snow scoops to our stuff, and pushing it right into a dumpster. Done. Now time to relax, would you like some Bailey's in your coffee? We can pick out paint later, for our brand-new-empty rooms! Tee he he... www.amazon.ca/Suncast-SF1850-22-Inch-Scoop-Shovel/dp/B000A1CENK
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Post by larataylor on Oct 30, 2014 8:34:11 GMT -5
I try to think of DH as more in the "broken leg" category, because this reduces my anger. I do not think there is a lack of good will on his part, it's more about how his brain works. And people cannot necessarily change how their brains work. I can offer him different ways to think about clutter and space, different priorities and values. Sometimes, he's just never thought of it that way because he was raised by cluttering, collecting parents who did not place a high value on space and simplicity. New ways of thinking and valuing can make it easier for him to at least get out of my way, because he sees the value in what I'm doing. I inherited a large collection of vacuum cleaners and cleaning products with this house. It seemed like his mom thought she could get the house clean by buying a lot of things to clean with and a lot of junk bunkers to put things in. DH and DBIL never learned the value of space, or how to place that value above the value of things that take up space. I still have a bit of clutter in the basement. There is not room for it in the garage. Sometimes I really, desperately, want to shovel it all into the trash. I still get stopped by the idea that it's Other People's Stuff, and I don't have the right to just trash it without going through it. I get stopped by thinking that there is something in there that DH or DBIL would really value. But *they* never go through it, so what's the difference? DBIL actually stated that he was intending to spend the rest of his life going through his parents' moldy, dusty, mouse-infested papers. I put them all in bins, I stacked them up, I made a comfortable space for him to sort, shred, and recycle … months ago. He has not touched them. I need to stand firm on this. Even stacked up in bins, these papers are a health and fire hazard. I can deal with all the other clutter first, but these papers must be dealt with. So … I need to get that other clutter out of there ASAP. I need for his corner and his paper-sorting place to be the only thing left to deal with. I'm thinking of sneakily placing some printouts from this site, and some of my Don Aslett books into the bins for him to find. In the meantime, I need to work on my glass house.
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Post by larataylor on Oct 30, 2014 8:44:26 GMT -5
I have a mental image of taking one of those huge snow scoops to our stuff, and pushing it right into a dumpster. Done. Now time to relax, would you like some Bailey's in your coffee? We can pick out paint later, for our brand-new-empty rooms! Tee he he... Coffee with Bailey's and picking out paint! What a heavenly image! And this highlights the fact that all the stuff is just getting in the way of our happiness. It really doesn't matter what the stuff is … whether it's good or bad, useful or broken, pretty or ugly. We need the space to be happy in … and happiness is what life is all about! If your hand was on the stove, and it was really hurting a lot, you would take it off the stove QUICK! Clutter HURTS! Clutter gets in the way of coffee, Bailey's, and new paint colors! What are we WAITING for?
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