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Post by Evelyn on Mar 22, 2015 1:29:26 GMT -5
... and you guys have alway been very kind and helpful. This is really a great group.  The squalor is not nearly as bad as it was once, but I'm still pretty damned disorganized. I've mostly got Level One-to-Two squalor stacked up against walls and in corners and closets. It's messy and inaccessible, but not awful. The worst is the bed. I'd gotten rid of my so-old-it-was-literally-crumbling queen-sized mattress over a year ago; and had been sleeping on a camping pad set up on top of a bunch of same-sized particle board storage cubes. They weren't designed to be slept on and had started falling apart, and 2 weeks ago I saw just the full-sized mattress I wanted on Craigslist for a price I could afford. So, after making sure the mattress was free of unwanted forms of life, I snapped it up. But I haven't cleared the cubes and the other stuff out of the place where the bed belongs, so I've been sleeping on the mattress in middle of the floor. I have to step on the mattress to get to my desk, and where it blocks traffic and keeps me from being able to use the table that would be so helpful for sorting out all the stuff from where the bed is supposed to go. And there are so just many not-dones: I'm finally almost caught on dishes, but am running out of clean laundry and I must take the fish that I was going to cook Monday out of the fridge and swim it down to the dumpster. My plants are dying from lack of water, the carpet is begging to be vacuum and I haven't checked my mail for at least two weeks. And I found out two days ago that I might have to move in a few months. My mother is 85 and her health is rapidly getting worse. I dropped everything to take her to Urgent Care when she was too weak to drive herself on Monday (which is how I missed the viability window on my fish), and was in the Emergency Room with her all night two weeks before that. About then was when her doctor said that she should no longer live alone, and I told one of my sisters (she lives near San Francisco but helps out form there as much as she can) that I'd consider giving up my apartment and moving back across the state to the house the Mom gave up to years ago because it was too big for her to keep up by herself. Thursday, SF Sis texted me that she and Mom were seriously considering that plan, and I panicked: I guess I never thought they'd really take me up on it. I'm now down to a state of high dread; but I don't want to move, I don't want to give up my apartment (I've been here eight years and I'm almost all the way moved in!), I don't want to have a housemate even (or maybe especially) if it is my mother, and my mother's allergic to cats but I really Really REALLY don't want to give up my cat. Mom had lived with my other sister, who works here in Seattle, for a while. There was also talk about their moving into together in a house here, but that's up in the air because - well, Sis has been having some health problems. She's also been drinking a lot, and it's not clear if that's the problem or there's real health thing going on, or some combination of the two. It is clear that Sis is in serious DUI-related trouble, and has been suspended from her job for a 2-week probationary period. (I have a brother, too; and Mom had stayed with him for awhile. That ended one morning when Mom came home after a night in the ER to find that my SIL/her DIL had packed her bags for her and set them by the front door; and offered to take Mom to the train station if she didn't feel up to driving herself.) Why I'm not bald yet from pulling my own hair out, I don't know. ![]() |
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Post by creativechaos on Mar 22, 2015 2:41:41 GMT -5
Wow, evelyn - you really have a lot on your plate. Congratulations for keeping the squalor under control and not backsliding to some worse state! that means you are doing some maintenance! RE the Mom situation: From what i read, you told your sister that you'd CONSIDER moving back across the state to help take care of your mom in the old house. you didn't commit for sure. That is good - it leaves you an exit and some negotiating ground. I wish you the best in figuring that out - care of your mom. What about an assisted living community nearby? I wish you luck in all of this. It sounds like getting your comfy new bed situated is your very first priority. Can you get some help getting that moved into place? (mattresses are HEAVY!) can you lean the mattress up against a wall while you clear the floor area that it will go? anyway - welcome back! |
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Post by dayeanu on Mar 22, 2015 9:42:27 GMT -5
I'm glad you're back! Good to see you!
I can totally relate to "cant walk to desk ornuse table becsuse of mattress, can't place the mattress until the boxes are moved," etc.
I'd think long and hard about getting in a position of full-time care for mom.
Maybe an assisted living facility would be good.
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Post by phoenixcat on Mar 22, 2015 9:47:45 GMT -5
Welcome back Eveyln!  I agree with creative chaos - please look into assisted living or even senior apartments with medical staff on call. It doesn't sound as if you have a lot of hands-on sibling support except for the one sister. I speak from experience that emergency room health problems (sounds like 2 in one month) - she probably needs more care than one untrained person can provide. And, what is the plan if it escalates after you've moved into the house? Can you keep up the house financially in the event your mom needs to move to a nursing facility and/or passes away? Many times - the house needs to be sold in order to pay for extended care. It literally is a full time job to help someone with all their bathroom needs, food needs, transportation, doctor's appointments, banking and financial - you sleep poorly because you are constantly listening for some distress. And, even though she may be independent now - if her health is rapidly declining - requiring all that help can be just a few months away. Did I say that I have experience in this?  Although I'm still "on call" a lot - we found that a senior apartment with medical personal available if needed has been a Godsend to several of my elderly relatives. They are independent, in their own space with their own things - lots of social activities and meals prepared. But, at the press of a button - they can get someone to come by and help them. Probably none of my business but it did strike a cord with me - I spent over half of four years in a row away from my home and kitties due to this same issue. I hope that your family will consider other options that will probably be in your mom's best interest as well. And never give up the kitty!!!! That is your family and your best friend!!!!!  as you make all these difficult decisions. And prayers for your mom's recovery!! PC |
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Post by TML on Mar 22, 2015 9:59:01 GMT -5
I also am in agreement about looking into assisted living or senior housing. If your Mom's finances are not good you can get government help. I took care of my Mom for 9 years and it nearly killed me. I did not want to send her to a nursing home and did not know anything about assisted living. Finally when Mom shattered her ankle and needed more care than I could provide she went into assisted living and she likes it. She has her friends from rehab and they have people come in and entertain them. There is this music man that I think Mom has the hots for. He is some old guy but whenever he comes to play the piano, Mom is like I can't talk on the phone I need to get down there or I will not get my front row seat.
Mom does crafts (which I do not have to clean up) and plays cards and bingo. It is working out so much better for both of us. I can be her daughter again. When I was her care giver she constantly bitched at me about this that and the other. I had no peace at work and no peace at home. Mom spent all the time I was at work making lists of stuff she wanted me to do when I got home. Then when we had to have helpers come in to help take care of her it was $$$$ and they left all the worst of it for me still even though we paid them. It was a nightmare. One lady wanted me to see she was working, so she always did Mom's laundry when I was home which meant all the time I was home she was in my road using the washing machines. Also, for a time we had to share a shower so I got up at 7 am to go to work and as soon as they heard my alarm everyone was in the bathroom. I told them can't you take your shower after I go to work since I have a short window to get ready. I had to start taking my shower at night and even then when the lady saw me with a towel she would run for the bathroom. I nearly had to start showering at work and just start living there.
Edited: Plus mom was a severe hoarder. When she could still get around she would trash the whole house. When I had to leave for work travel, I would come home and literally have to use a shovel to get all the trash off the floor mom tossed there. Nightmare does not even begin to describe it all. I got so depressed. Also you have to consider what would happen if something happened to you. I got Mom into assisted living less than 30 days before I was in a major car accident. If I had not already gotten her into assisted living Mom would have had to go to a nursing home. It was better that I could take the time to fine the right place and get her settled rather than have it all be an emergency where it was all out of my hands. Just the thought of this brings on PTSD.
If you need any help on finding out about places in your area I have some resources I can point you to. I went through all of this.
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Post by angela on Mar 22, 2015 16:35:35 GMT -5
Also voting for another option besides YOU moving in evelyn. I too have done in the in-home caregiving, with my Grandpa, and I can look back and though at the time I thought I was doing the right thing...in hindsight it really wasn't. At the very least, I should have not tried to care for him as long as I did (5 years), as it ruined me physically and mentally and financially. I'll never be recovered, not really. The long-term cost to the caregiver is profound. Just my two cents...check in as you can. And take care of yourself. ![]() ETA: It is also likely that in moving in and caring for your Mom, that your own problems will become WORSE. You deserve as much care as you can give yourself, sometimes it really does need to be us first. |
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Post by Evelyn on Mar 22, 2015 17:03:35 GMT -5
Thanks so much, creative chaos, dayeanu, phoenixcat, TML, & angela. (And thanks also to my Likers.  ) God, your stories: sometimes I think that our generation won’t have to worry about eldercare for our own selves, because we’ll all have long since succumbed from the stress and exhaustion or caring for our parents. (jk) (mostly) Re Mom and assisted living: Mom has Multiple Chemical Sensitivies. In the last 2-1/2 years, she has been chased out of two different Senior Living places and SeattleSis’s condo by glue, paint, and other sorts of fumes. (@tml: if you know any resources for finding Senior/Assisted living places that are safe for people with Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, I would be forever in your debt. My own searches have turned up a big barrel of bupkus.) Mom is now living in the cheapest detached house she could find to rent in the area, last remodeled 5-10 years ago by people with the construction skills and aesthetic sense of drunken warthogs. No two rooms are on the same floor level, and the paint colors vary from ill-advised to bilious; but Mom can safely breathe the air in her home. But she’s not managing very well on her own, and really does need to be living with someone. And she’d rather be in her own detached house, rather than paying rent to live in this one and getting (a good deal less) rent for other people to live in hers …But that someone really needs not to be me. I do not do well with roommates. I have never done well with roommates. I can only feel safe and “at home” when I am in my own place, that is mine and not accessible to anyone else without my permission. I might like this to be otherwise, and I some time pretend that is is other wise, but it is not. I need to thank you guys for reminding me that SF Sis and I had discussed this as a possibility, without any commitments being made. In fact, now that I’m no longer panicking, I’ve remembered that what we discussed was me finding an apartment in the area; not me actually sharing Mom’s house. Having to up stakes and move would be a gawdawdful five-alarm hassle, but the prospect doesn’t fill me with the sort of panic and stone dread that the idea of moving in with Mom does. (And not that I ever dare tell Mom about these feelings, but I don't think I'd want to live with someone who greeted the idea with panic and dread.) Meanwhile, back at the ranch my present apartment - creativechaos: It’s a foam mattress and so doesn’t lean very well. But its flexiblity meant that I was able to move it here in the back of my subcompact hatchback. Getting it out of the car, more-or-less onto a handtruck, into and out of the elevator, and down a hundred feet of hallway by myself was worthy of a Charlie Chaplin movie. (SeaSis had promised to help, but had to cancel at the last minute.) It’s a studio apartment; and, once I have its space ready, moving the mattress ten feet across the room will be a comparative breeze. I stacked up the former “bed boxes” today so that they are now “wall boxes,” giving me more room to maneuver. A extra benefit was that the cat loves it whenever anything gets stacked on top of anything, and she had a merry old time exploring every possible way to get up to & down from the top. ![]() Thanks again to all of you for your comments and your wonderful support. |
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Post by stevie on Mar 22, 2015 19:34:22 GMT -5
Oh my. Evelyn I don't know all of your particulars but I will say I have been a "caregiver relief" hospice volunteer and caring for a loved one can be emotionally and physically exhausting and brutal. I do hope you find some compromise that will work for both you and your mom. And your cat.  |
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Post by Unswamping on Mar 22, 2015 20:33:07 GMT -5
Evelyn, welcome back. Im glad to see that you are looking at other options. If you feel that ambivalent about living with your mom now, after you move in, it will only get worse. BTDT. Im also someone who cant tolerate roommates. Ive tried and it just isnt ever going to work. Like you i need my space to come home too. I hope you can find an arrangement that works for both of you and your kitty.
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Post by whatgirl on Mar 22, 2015 20:51:39 GMT -5
You do have a lot on your plate, Evelyn! Don't forget to give yourself lots of credit for every step you make forward. I am really glad you were able to get a new mattress. I also live in a studio apartment -- just one room and a separate bathroom. I don't have a separate kitchen, it is just a tiny kitchenette in the corner! I have a raised bed frame which allows me to store some things under the bed. It is convenient and one way to get things out of your foot path. The cat loves to hide underneath it too, so it is more room for her and for me. I also play the shifting boxes game. I have way too much stuff and too little space. I tend to collect things in boxes and bags so that I can get the clutter out of the way to clean. I move them around a lot without emptying them out so when I muster the energy, I have to dedicate one evening per box to try to cull out and purge as much into the trash as possible. I am also about the same level of squalor as you. We are here for you! |
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Post by TML on Mar 22, 2015 21:20:48 GMT -5
evelyn If I was going to look in Seattle I would probably start with www.daystarseattle.com/6-life-at-daystar/natural-retirement-livingAssisted living is not cheap. Where Mom lives it is 3275 a month and we are getting to the point where we will have to start filling out the paper work for $ assistance for her. I am talking to a lawyer about helping me with the paper work. Mom of course said well I could always move back in with you. O.O which is not happening no matter how much I love her. I would not survive out the year. In our state there is an Elder care agency that you can call and get advice (which has been hit or miss for me). Also, I will post a resource booklet web address (need to dig it up) that I got from a friend (elder lady) I met in rehab when I was in the rehab/nursing home for months after the car accident. It had tons of useful information. I would keep the kitty. First Mate Kitty is my furbaby and he knows it. I can't imagine my life without him.
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Post by Evelyn on Mar 23, 2015 4:11:22 GMT -5
evelyn If I was going to look in Seattle I would probably start with www.daystarseattle.com/6-life-at-daystar/natural-retirement-livingAssisted living is not cheap. Where Mom lives it is 3275 a month and we are getting to the point where we will have to start filling out the paper work for $ assistance for her. [...] I would keep the kitty. First Mate Kitty is my furbaby and he knows it. I can't imagine my life without him. Thanks so much, TML. I will definitely check Daystar out. Except for Daystar's emphasis on being natural & eco-friendly (I will email to find out just what "natural & eco-friendly" means to them), it sounds very much like the first place Mom lived after moving out of her house, and has a level of care that was helpful then and is increasingly necessary now. Mom has some money, mostly a fixed amount (I don't know how much) that she is hoping will last as long as she does. The equity in Mom's house would pay your mom's rent for about five years, and Mom doesn't need the personal/ADL care (yet) so much as cooking/cleaning/someone-on-call type services, so hers might be somewhat less. The actuarial tables say she's got about eight more years, and I think/hope the finances will hold out about that long. (After that, I dunno. Maybe we'll apply fro "Oldest Living Dustbowl Survivor" or "Protected National Monument" status, or something...) You guys have helped me realize: there is no giving up my own apartment, and there is no giving up my cat. I'll be no good to Mom or anyone else as a walking-talking-nervous-breakdown, which is what I'd be if I moved in with Mom. (And if I'm going to be even a part-time caregiver, I need to at least read up on it. I have no medical background, and there were things I coulda-woulda-shoulda done during that last ER visit that would have made the whole thing go much better.) Tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere or do anything for anybody (except me and Her Grand Catself). Maybe I'll make some progress on the bed, or maybe I'll just enjoy doing the "Chinatown" thing: as little as possible.  And tonight, I'm going to bed. ![]() |
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Post by lucie on Mar 23, 2015 6:31:17 GMT -5
Good for you deciding not to be a full time caregiver.
My cousin took care of his father for ten years, and he was a young strong man at that time and it drained him so much physically that he died five years later at the age of 39.
Seeing all that from the beggining to the end I warn people who are thinking about being a caregiver - you need to think about your health (physical and emitional) first.
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Post by lostchild on Mar 25, 2015 4:01:11 GMT -5
Don't be a caregiver if you can't honestly commit to loss of privacy and financial setback. I am one and can say with all honesty its a very hard road. I have been taking care of handicapped child who is now an adult for over eighteen years.
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Post by joyinvirginia on Mar 25, 2015 6:48:44 GMT -5
Hi Evelyn, I am another member of the caring for elderly parents club. my mother died last summer after eleven years in a nursing home. She couldn't walk when she went in there. Her assets covered the costs for eight years and part of the costs for the last three, she got help from Medicaid then. My mother in law died in December after a year of declining health, that we got thru with sister in law and her husband being primary care givers and rest of us helping much as we could.
best wishes to you. And get a nice bed for yourself!
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