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Post by razy on May 22, 2015 23:05:55 GMT -5
My man can be very useful especially if he had specific tasks to do and he does most of the cooking. If he is left to his own devices he is less useful and responsible for most of the mess and and hoarding. Like larataylor and angela I have to word requests very carefully so as not to cause an argument, often about correct use of words, as he will take things literally too. I am sure this is a passive-aggressive power struggle. It can be exhausting.
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Post by anewleaf on May 22, 2015 23:34:59 GMT -5
With my s.o., I'd say about 2-3. When it comes to cleaning? HA! And cooking? Twice in ten years-both times, chili! But when I ask him to take the garbage with him (to the dumpster at work) he usually does. He even pulled some things from the fridge yesterday that needed to be thrown out *gasp*! He'll wash his own laundry (because I'm constantly trying to tackle the laundry from work, the "whites" and my own clothes and rarely get around to his) but...it's usually left sitting in the dryer and I end up folding and putting it away. Getting him to get rid of stuff (like old computers, or busted electric razors and parts) is utterly futile. He's a junker. He's pretty good about keeping mail down to a minimum, though-especially since I bought an organizer for next to his bowl for his keys, wallet, etc. Unfortunately, his mother liked to cater (and still does, to the extent that she can at her age) to her children and her late husband (her home life was her entire life). It's definitely led to s.o. to believe that cooking and cleaning are a woman's job. His bathroom, until recently, was a fine example of this. I didn't clean it and and the grunge that built up as a result was ghastly
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Post by Rory on May 23, 2015 14:51:07 GMT -5
One advantage of living on my own is that no one except the ghost makes a mess except me. A friend of mine, female does boast a little about how she has just cleaned stuff up on her own flat and for some reason declines my invite to come round to mine to do likewise. So once again I'll be using my shovel and laying the fresh straw all by myself.
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Post by poppy on May 23, 2015 15:49:49 GMT -5
Son (ASD) is particular about his room and doesn't want anyone in it. He keeps that area a 9 out of 10. The rest of the house...he's about 5 if snacking, leaving articles of clothing around, or experimenting with water and water sources...he's a character and likes to quote some program he watched that twisted the "stop and smell the roses" theme to "stop and smell the roaches". . Daughter was an 9 overall, but lately I'd say maybe a 8. She doesn't generally make messes, but leaves some electronic gadget or book in the living room or dining room instead of taking it to her room at the end of the day. She'll leave a bowl in her room and not bring it down to the kitchen. Not really bad, but a hassle when stuff starts stacking on the stairs to be taken up or down whenever trips are made in either direction for other purposes. She does a few chores, but not without a little grumbling. She does make her bed everyday and has always done that without being asked. She's so together in so many areas, that I have no reason to complain. My "vacationing" husband was personally pretty tidy in that he didn't have a lot of stuff or clutter, but rarely did anything to help out. I'd put him at a 6 only because he wasn't very helpful and could be difficult about it. He did leave hair trimmings in the sink and wouldn't wipe them or rinse them down. He enjoyed cooking a lot and always made a mess, using lots of pots and pans and dropping crumbs, gravy, etc. on the floor and stovetop and not wipe up. It would take me no less than 3 loads in the dishwasher to get it all done. If I asked him to help move furniture, no problem. If it was cleaning, then I was being controlling. Hmm, maybe a 6 is being generous. Anyway, now that he has his own apartment, he's reported to be almost OCD (his description) and keeps it at a 9 or 10 most days. Easier for him to do now without the pets, kids, or farmette. These days, I struggle with ghost squalor, dog hair, and paperwork. I'd give myself a 7, maybe an 8 because of those three issues. In the past I would've been 3...I had several childless family members pass right after I married and I inherited most of their things and pets. Think homes with 40 years worth of stuff. Overwhelming. I sorted it out, though it took A LOT more time than it should have. If I were to do it today or advise someone else, I'd tell them to take only the things they really loved out of the house immediately, leave the rest, and then call an estate auctioneer and let them handle it all. I'd tell them not to try to move things for sorting elsewhere.
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Post by mynicehome on May 23, 2015 16:50:40 GMT -5
Interestinger and interestinger...
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Post by maggie on May 23, 2015 17:46:35 GMT -5
I give my husband and kids maybe a 3. My husband as a rule doesn't clean. However, once or twice a year if we are having a birthday party for a kid, he will clean the porch or the living room. I'd say the max would be 2 rooms in a year, and some years none. He will bring dirty dishes from the living room to the kitchen sink, but he won't load or unload the dishwasher. He has washed dishes by hand, but I bet not half a dozen times in over a decade. Occasionally he will do his own laundry -- this would occur maybe once or twice in a year, although if someone said he'd washed twenty loads of laundry during our marriage I'd think that was high. He sort of does home repair things. E.g. he put in the tub surround about a year after I bought it and put it in the hallway. Blinds about a year and a half after purchase. A set of curtains must have taken 5 or 6 years. Our outside door is falling apart. He bought a replacement door maybe 3 years ago and it's still out in the garage. On the other hand, if the water freezes in the winter, he will go and fix it as soon as he gets home. He does clean the yard once or twice a year. He rototilled the garden and actually planted more than half of it. He cooks occasionally. In the summer he will barbeque. In the winter, he will once in a while cook fish or wild game (mainly because I won't so if he doesn't, he doesn't get to eat it). But he definitely thinks that I should be preparing meals for him, which I don't. If he is around and the kids are cleaning, he will sit in the room and yell at them because he thinks they should do it differently or faster or whatever. I think he thinks that is helping, but it is not. I assume his reasoning is that he works and I am a SAHM, so he doesn't have to do anything that is traditionally "women's work". And admittedly, I barely do anything that is traditionally women's work either, which is why our house is the way it is. However, I do more than nothing, and I don't know if he realizes it. And although he works long hours when he works, usually he's on shifts like 10 and 4. So sure, for the 10, just work. But for the 4 -- well, maybe one of those days could be a day to be helpful. Because I certainly never get 4 days in a row of not having to do ANYTHING. Also, he's been out of work for over two months now and he is no more helpful than he is when he is working full time (so barely helpful at all, although he's spent a lot of days helping neighbours with their work).
My kids aren't very helpful, although I think they would have been sort of so-so average if I had trained them right. If I ask them to clean the living room, they will do it (usually one or two will work hard and the others slack off and the hard workers vary each time). They would never just notice something needed cleaning and clean it, though.
My mother's day story -- my first kid was due the day before mother's day. We were visiting someone a few days before my due date and they asked my husband what he was doing for me for mothers day. He said, "She's not a mother". Okaaaay. By father's day he was a father, and the baby gave him a father's day card (wasn't that a nice thing for a three week old infant to do?). The next year when I actually was a mother on mother's day, he . . . told me I wasn't his mother. So I found that pretty hurtful.
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Post by razy on May 23, 2015 20:57:52 GMT -5
I forgot to say G does his own washing and the dishwasher is his territory, apparently I don't load it right On the down side he seems incapable of putting things away, does not see dirt or if he does, does not think it is a problem requiring attention and if he wipes the kitchen bench (counter) more than once a week he thinks he should be congratulated as if he has discovered a cure for cancer! If I had to give him a numerical score - on a good day: 0 - 1. Which is a significant improvement, I'm pleased to say
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Post by eatingbonbons on May 23, 2015 22:06:35 GMT -5
My husband does way more than I do. He's the one that actually keeps the household running. It wasn't always this way, but he takes up the slack from my pain and fatigue without any complaining. And just does the work with no fanfare.
He is definitely a 10!
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Post by catcat on May 24, 2015 0:45:41 GMT -5
When we were first married, we split the work evenly as we both worked. Later, when I was a SAHM, he did little. When later I went to college, 3 kids by then, for Nursing, he helped a lot. I still did cook, do laundry & cleaning, but he would also clean, food shop, etc. He looked after the car or cars always, fixed stuff & mowed the lawn while I weeded, etc. He would often feed the pets---even slightly nuking cat food to "take the chill off" if it had been in fridge. He would not do any bills, check writing, etc. He would not plan social stuff, but would help clean, etc. for it. I didn't want him doing the laundry. I guess he varied, but when it mattered, he was a 9. Until he got sick & could do less; still tried, but it wasn't wise. Now that he is gone, I realize all the little things he did like change the smoke alarm batteries, etc.---b/c it's all mine now. And I am not young anymore. I work harder now than when I was younger. And never get caught up ! catcat
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Post by larataylor on May 24, 2015 7:25:22 GMT -5
Unfortunately, his mother liked to cater (and still does, to the extent that she can at her age) to her children and her late husband (her home life was her entire life). It's definitely led to s.o. to believe that cooking and cleaning are a woman's job. His bathroom, until recently, was a fine example of this. I didn't clean it and and the grunge that built up as a result was ghastly Yes. This. My DMIL was a traditional housewife with six kids. Kids/husband/house was her whole life. DH was catered to, and yet I think there was extreme emotional neglect.
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Post by rubyred on May 24, 2015 16:18:44 GMT -5
I think part of the issue is the mindset that they are "helping" us. If they live there, then they should be contributing, not helping YOU. It might be a little different if the DH works outside the home and the wife does not.
My husband and I both work outside the home, and there's no way I can consider his doing housework "helping me."
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Post by larataylor on May 24, 2015 18:06:54 GMT -5
rubyred - I totally agree. "Helping you" implies that it's your job and not theirs. And that mindset is a big part of the problem. Adults are responsible for picking up after themselves and maintaining their living environment … and when the environment is shared, they cooperate in dividing up the tasks fairly. But those old traditional roles are still causing a lot of grief. I do try to avoid the implication that what I want is "help" with "my job" even if that's how they see it.
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Post by openwindows on May 24, 2015 19:17:23 GMT -5
Once you've been in the position where all the household chores fell on you anything anyone else does becomes "help". If you've never been yelled at because a grown man is out of underwear because you didn't check his drawer to know he was running low then search for where he left his dirties (true story, it was 5am and he woke me up screaming) you have no idea how much of a "help" it is for him to hit the laundry basket.
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Post by larataylor on May 24, 2015 20:07:59 GMT -5
openwindows - I totally hear you. At 5 am, though? He needs to be smacked. I'm sure he believes that it's all your job. I'm just saying that *you* have to stop believing it. I've been doing the laundry a bit every day, even though I have a job that has been exhausting me. I've been piling up folded clean stuff the best I can. And I refuse to accept any blame for what isn't done yet. DH was mad that he couldn't find underwear. I bought him a new pack not too long ago. When he complained, I would say, "Hmm. I bought you some a little while ago. I wonder where they all got to? Have you looked in the laundry room? Maybe you should buy some more." Yesterday he bought himself a pack of underwear. Baby steps. Be strong! Seriously, waking you up screaming is abusive.
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Post by RoadRunner on May 24, 2015 20:43:21 GMT -5
6 for physical support (sweeping kitchen floor, vacuuming, loading dishwasher) -5 on emotional support. I would rather have a 3 on physical support and 6 on emotional support.
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