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Post by lostchild on Feb 19, 2015 12:05:44 GMT -5
I have ghost squalor when I start a bunch of projects and house looks disorganized. I feel like I am not clean.I get it when mom remarks on how she hopes I'll stay clean as if I am not capable. I know I am but its a punch in the stomach when I get her words about "am I going to keep it this way?"
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Post by reb on Feb 19, 2015 12:17:32 GMT -5
I have ghost squalor when I start a bunch of projects and house looks disorganized. I feel like I am not clean.I get it when mom remarks on how she hopes I'll stay clean as if I am not capable. I know I am but its a punch in the stomach when I get her words about "am I going to keep it this way?" Wow, that's gotta hurt.  My internal Doggess of Snark would be tempted to reply, "Thanks for the advice! Are you offering to do it for me?" *snerk*  |
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Post by wind on Feb 19, 2015 14:56:13 GMT -5
I get it when mom remarks on how she hopes I'll stay clean as if I am not capable. I know I am but its a punch in the stomach when I get her words about "am I going to keep it this way?" WOW! I'm so sorry! What a silly and horrible thing for her to say! |
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Post by angela on Feb 19, 2015 15:23:27 GMT -5
I'm sorry lostchild. For a long time my parents tried to shame me into keeping my house up to their standards. Finally I had to ban them from coming over since they couldn't do as I asked which was to not say anything about the state of the place. I hope this dynamic changes for you. It is hard when there is even temporary disarray since you have worked so hard to get things cleaned up. |
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Post by lostchild on Feb 19, 2015 16:10:46 GMT -5
She loves me and she means well. She complimented me when she came for my birthday. She said house was nice. Usually she asked when I was going to clean...fill in the blank...she is getting better. She even gave me a ton of twel sets and wine glasses.
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Post by needmorecoffee on Feb 19, 2015 18:02:22 GMT -5
I have ghost squalor when I start a bunch of projects and house looks disorganized. I feel like I am not clean.I get it when mom remarks on how she hopes I'll stay clean as if I am not capable. I know I am but its a punch in the stomach when I get her words about "am I going to keep it this way?" This. I could have written this!! Times i have had it all together, it's like she knows there's a clutter monster hiding, waiting to "get me" and it'll all come undone as soon as I get sick or too busy. When she asks how things are i hear "are you keeping up with the mess?" even if she may not have meant it, then when she visits I can see her assessing if she needs to stay longer and help me clean up. She's great but ofcourse since I am unhappy, there's no way she's can't not hurt me... She means well. |
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Post by creativechaos on Feb 25, 2015 16:09:55 GMT -5
This thread is always relevant. I look forward to the day when I can have "ghost squalor." The living squalor has up to now made this impossible. But I think it applies to many kinds of shame. the feelings stick to you like tar - even when there is no rational reason for them. Great work, all of you! It's somehow worse when *other people* - including when well-meaning (or not) relatives know your weak points and fears and project their own fears and weaknesses about themselves, or fears for you (wanting to protect) or their embarrassment about you, (conscious or not) onto you. but many parents do that. their urge is often to want to protect - they can't quite believe you are an adult now - even after 30, 40, 60 years!  and yes - if they don't respect YOUR boundaries as a functioning adult, then banning them from visiting seems appropriate. |
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Post by 7sweetbabiesgranny on Feb 26, 2015 20:21:34 GMT -5
The thread fits me to a T!
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Post by 7sweetbabiesgranny on Feb 26, 2015 20:22:43 GMT -5
Except instead of someone else saying those remarks I'm saying them
Need to work on this
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Post by sauberkite on Dec 29, 2015 15:33:47 GMT -5
Bump, and hello again  I stopped posting regularly this summer when I started working again. During the long Christmas holiday, our house started to slip a bit to where I would have been pretty embarrassed if someone saw my kitchen. And the disaster that is my clothes closet started to manifest in a pile next to my bed. I brought a glass of water upstairs in case I got thirsty in the night, and saw that two glasses were already on my nightstand, and then I knew it was time to buckle down before my slip becomes a real fall. My daughter is 20 months old now and I don't want her to live how I once did. I started to feel very down. As if the clean house was just a phase, and now I'm back to how I really am. My neighbor's kids rang the bell yesterday wanting to pet my cat, and my heart was pounding. The cat was asleep, thank goodness, I didn't want to let them in. And meanwhile, I had cleaned up all the mess from the weekend. Someone posted this link to my intro post and I had to read it again because I was seeing ghosts! |
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Sapphire G
New Member
Looking for the Upside in Every Situation
Joined: September 2009
Posts: 77
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Post by Sapphire G on Jan 18, 2016 19:28:25 GMT -5
This thread is always relevant. I look forward to the day when I can have "ghost squalor." The living squalor has up to now made this impossible. But I think it applies to many kinds of shame. the feelings stick to you like tar - even when there is no rational reason for them. Yes. It is. I read it a few years ago in 2009 and it has always stayed with me. Because it's true. I go back & forth with being clean & organized. Truthfully back & forth with messy vs tidy but I never get great at "cleaning." You know. The dust bunnies under the dresser, the shower tiles in the upstairs bathroom, stuff under the coach cushions -- only done very occasionally. Surface cleaning I guess is what I can do with up & downs. But this post though. So true. Even when things are looking presentable, I have felt all the emotions mentioned. I have said odd things to the plumber and to social visitors where they look at me strange. If I have someone over, there is not to a single dish in the sink because I feel it's a giveaway of how things can get around here. Thank you for addressing this. |
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Post by dayeanu on Jan 18, 2016 20:18:03 GMT -5
I read back through, and this is truly a timeless classic. Lot of things I needed to read.....again.
And oh my! The members who posted here back in the day! I miss them.
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Post by peaceseeker on Jan 31, 2020 19:23:12 GMT -5
- Your home has been clear and attractive for a while, yet you still jump in terror whenever the doorbell rings. You have to consciously stop hyperventilating and resist the urge to hide silently in your bedroom … before you can put on a false smile and answer the door.
This is an amazing thread. Thank you for putting a name to this experience.
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