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Post by notanotherdecade on Jul 7, 2016 14:17:21 GMT -5
Wondering how much members relate to this.. Squalor as part of low self worth A feeling that a functioning home is not deserved Building self confidence first -----> to create a better home Prioritising self-care to enable the strength and self belief to allow the brain to believe that a comfortable home is actually deserved. I've been following the recent posts from texastabby battle with managing her house in order to get the AC mended... It strongly resonates with me, having failed to get my house in what I judged to be an adequately acceptable state last winter to get the gasman in to replace some heaters.. At first the place was a genuinely in too bad a condition, with no access and chaotic rooms, and then what I thought was perfectionism stopped me allowing myself arrange the work.. But if I'm honest a part of me didn't think I deserved a warm and comfortable home and I made lots of excuses to myself for not getting it sorted . How on earth could I have been so horrible to myself to deny myself something as fundamental to wellbeing as warmth?  ? Time to make it possible, time to be in a position to not need to wear several layers next winter. Time to work more seriously on mental health First steps -----> an earlier night curled up with a funny book tonight, and some research this weekend on heaters and local gasmen. Hope I can keep the determination going. Back to the washing up, have a little catching up to do there, . Promised myself to clear the sides of mucky stuff, so I'd best keep my promise |
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ineedhelp
New Member
Joined: June 2016
Posts: 12 
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Post by ineedhelp on Jul 7, 2016 18:05:47 GMT -5
To me, someone's household cleanliness status and self-confidence/worth affect each other to a degree. I have read and heard that thoughts become things and you have to think something before you do something. However, I like the idea of a circular approach a little better. Follow my thought below:
Action produces results which produces belief which produces enthusiasm which produces action which produces results which leads to...
OR
Belief leads to enthusiasm which leads to action which leads to results which leads to belief which leads to.....
Whichever goal you have, whether it is a self-esteem goal, a work-related goal, a household goal, a sales goal, a friendship goal, a cooking goal, a goal to learn a new skill or sport, or whatever you decide, what matters the most is that you pick someplace in the cycle and start.
Specifically regarding squalor vs a clean household, I will quote a friend who said, "Anything you experience, you believe." If you continue experiencing squalor, you will believe that is where you belong and that is what is comfortable for you. If one chooses to clean a space or an entire room, they will have a new experience of pride and accomplishment. The positive feeling that comes from that will increase self-esteem, and the physical results of a cleaner room/area provide the belief that "better is possible". Once someone experiences "better", they believe "better" is possible, and the good feeling continues.
Clearly, "feeling good" or being positive won't automatically result in a clean house, and conversely, having a clean house doesn't mean someone has a high self-worth. However, if you're not where you want to be now (in cleanliness or self-worth/confidence,etc), you have to change what you're doing if you want different results. If you want any type of change, SOMETHING has to change.
About AC or heating issues, I understand how stressful it can be to let anyone in your house when it's squalorous, regardless of whether they are a stranger and you never have to see them again, or if it's a friend or family member. I've been there, but choosing positive thinking over the last few years has gotten me positive results. Currently, I am participating in that 2-month summer challenge here on this site, and my goal is to have a dinner party at my house at the end of the allotted time with all rooms functionable. I haven't had anyone over to my house besides immediate family for about 2 years because of its messiness, but I have slowly been working to improve that. I am enthusiastically confident that participation in this community combined with practiced positive thinking and action will lead to my desired results. Any reader here can choose the same thought for themselves.
For anyone who struggles with self-worth or any type of negativity, I recommend reading or listening to personal development, such as audio books or looking online for positive quotes. A few of my favorite authors are Jim Rohn, Zig Ziglar, Darren Hardy, Brian Tracy, Earl Nightingale, and Chris Widener. Their words have made a tremendous difference in my life.
I wish us all cleaner houses and better mindsets.
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Post by notanotherdecade on Jul 8, 2016 1:56:20 GMT -5
Thank-you for the detailed reply ineedhelp Yes for consistent results action does come before motivation... it's like having a large snowball at the top of a hill----> hope and confidence roll it down one side of the hill..... and depression and anger roll it down the opposite side... the snow eventually melts and a new trip up the hill begins when fresh snow falls...... I'm walking up that "hill" again, and want to be able to push that snowball down the "hopeful side" Ironically to make lasting progress on the squalor, I know I need to take enough timeout from chores and decluttering, to get out the house, to have fun, to do things that stop the internal voice that booms out and shouts at me that I don't deserve to live well... Oops time to go to work now bye. |
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Post by dayeanu on Jul 8, 2016 7:30:07 GMT -5
I STRONGLY STRONGLY relate to your post. Not too long ago, I posted on my blog in the private area, that I wondered how much squalor is shame-based. ineedhelp wrote: "If one chooses to clean a space or an entire room, they will have a new experience of pride and accomplishment. The positive feeling that comes from that will increase self-esteem, and the physical results of a cleaner room/area provide the belief that "better is possible". Once someone experiences "better", they believe "better" is possible, and the good feeling continues." That has not been my experience. (I'm sure that is a "normal" model, but it's not me.) Yes, at first I have a sense of pride and accomplishment. But after a while, I start feeling like an imposter. Like this new clean room is not really me, not who I am, not what I deserve, and who am I to think I can clean up my whole house and live that way...like normal people. For some reason I always stop. It's almost like I sabotage myself. But recently that has changed. I have just gone through a huge transition with this question. Idk that what I am about to write will make any sense to you. It's been a long, rambling, disjointed process, but one that has seemed to make a huge difference in me. I will try to condense it for you, if I can. It started with razy's post on my private blog, here: takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/thread/26995/dayeanu-new-day?page=55 ...and me thinking out loud about it in several pages of posts following. Then Blackswan posted about imposter syndrome on her thread in By-Ways (Afraid to go Home). And I realized I felt like an imposter when I was trying to have things nice and clean...that at some level I felt like "slob" and "dirty" was "who I was/what I deserved". I even wrote in my blog not long ago, that I felt like trash, myself. I read some e-books (Human Magnet Syndrome) and (Homecoming). Both talk about the effects of childhood emotional abuse. (I had a difficult home life and later an abusive marriage) At some point I realized that as a child, I had learned to keep myself at a "less than" level to keep Mother happy. She was very critical. If I did too well, she'd put me down - trash me! She had low expectations for me, and despite my real abilities, I tried to live down to her expectations to gain her acceptance/avoid her condemnation. (The books mentioned above, call that the "wounded child") At some point in all the reading and posting on my thread following razy's comment, I realized that my wounded child who can't do anything right, who is never good enough, and who is undeserving of any better, is the real imposter in my life. It's what I FAKED as a child, to avoid mother's ire. I could not be the child/person I really was. I had to act like something I wasn't, to help keep peace in the home. I had to live as an imposter. I guess it became a habit. That part of me is still in the habit of living down to Mother's expectations (the ones she instilled in me), despite the fact that in reality, I am a fairly intelligent, creative, strong and capable person. Over the years, I had often wondered why I could not just clean up my house. Washing dishes, hanging up clothes, and throwing trash in a sack does not require a high level of skill or intelligence. Surely I had the innate ability to do these simple tasks. Now I realize that I have the ability to do just about anything in life that needs to be done, and to have the orderly life I desire - as long as I don't let the "less-than" person I *faked* being for years, take control. Now, I talk to my wounded inner child a lot. When I feel like I can't do something, I remind myself that's just the frightened little child I used to be, bringing up *the only survival skills I knew* - the skill of not exceeding Mother's expectations so as to not garner her scorn and rejection. That frightened little child I used to be, couldn't be too successful back then, because it just wasn't safe. But now it is safe. I am a smart, capable adult. I can protect that little child who used to have to *act* like a failure -something she wasn't - in order to be safe. I am a capable adult, and I can take care of me, and whatever needs to be done. If I don't know how, I will figure out a way. Because I'm a smart, capable adult, and I can make a good life for myself (and that "frightened little child thinking" part of me that still lives inside.) (Sometimes I tell my little wounded child that what she's thinking just isn't true. Sometimes I tell that part of me that I don't have to fake being "less than" any more. Sometimes I tell that wounded part of my thinking that I don't have to be afraid any more. I don't have to "fail" in order to be safe -- There's an adult here now, who will be in charge and can take care of things - because she's an adult, and adults are bigger and stronger, and can do things little children can't.) ----------- I hope some of this makes sense to you. It has made an amazing change in me. I have gone from being totally overwhelmed and defeated by my mess, to being able to do it without any real mental gymnastics. |
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ineedhelp
New Member
Joined: June 2016
Posts: 12
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Post by ineedhelp on Jul 8, 2016 10:46:45 GMT -5
dayeanu Wow. Your post has great insight. I love that you've had such a huge revelation that is changing your "less than" way of thinking. I'm amazed you had to "fake it" about being less excellent to avoid trouble at home as a child. It made me think of my niece's situation with my ex-sister-in-law. It has nothing to do with squalor, but my 7-year-old niece has unfortunately learned to "go-along-with" whatever mommy says, even if they're blatant lies, or even if a decision is clearly detrimental to her academic or social development, just to avoid her mother's wrath. She's in an awful situation, and it makes me understand how your childhood experience could take such a toll on your entire life. I am really glad you've had a mindset change to realize you were faking being "less than", and that that is not who you really are. It is hard to change the way you think about something, and it takes purposeful practice. I've heard the phrase "Fake it 'til you make it," and that is exactly what you did as a child. You faked it until you became it. For notanotherdecade, I might suggest the attempt to fake it until you BECOME it, in regards to thinking of yourself as a clean, positive, worthy person, which we all know you are. YOU have to decide that, though, and the practice of thinking a different way, more positively, if you will, is not at all an easy one. It is, however, something that your "future you" deserves, even if you think your "past you" didn't deserve any better.
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Post by notanotherdecade on Jul 8, 2016 11:04:11 GMT -5
Hello ineedhelp part of me wants to agree, and part of me wants to kick and scream "it's not that easy" .. the self sabotage monster needs more taming....   This weekend I'm going to fake normality,,,,, allow myself time at the gym, cook some good food, get outside, and tidy up after myself |
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Post by notanotherdecade on Jul 8, 2016 11:32:16 GMT -5
Hello dayeanu I will look at your blog's, . For all of us, all with our separate histories,,,,, each day ,, can be a new day,. This evening I'm promising myself to do that chain of small things that will let me make the weekend both a pleasure, and productive.... hope I can live up to my promise.. Thank-you for the links, had a quick read, will look more later |
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ineedhelp
New Member
Joined: June 2016
Posts: 12
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Post by ineedhelp on Jul 8, 2016 13:10:04 GMT -5
notanotherdecade I am very much aware of how difficult it is to make different "out-of-character" choices. I have lived with unmedicated ADHD, borderline OCD (hoarding) combined with being a perfectionist and extreme procrastinator since I was a child, along with a couple periods of time when I was medicated for depression. Those elements of my brain-composition, working together, against me, have really affected my life in more negative ways than most would imagine. It is only because I have so passionately chosen to actively change my mindset and purposefully practice positive thinking that I am not an emotional, lifeless, ***, depressed wreck every day. Some days I wonder why anyone likes me, and some days I wonder why anyone WOULDN'T like me. It's really not easy to walk around cofidently all the time thinking life is grand and you are awesome. But we have to start somewhere. My username is "ineedhelp" for a reason. Your username is "notanotherdecade" for a reason. If you want different results, you have to do something different, which in many cases, is actively deciding to make better choices. You joined us in this community, and that is a great step, but now you have to accept the words of encouragement and ideas for direction you get from others here. You may not buy-into my thinking or relate to my situation, but many members ( dayeanu, CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity, chocolatetruffle, danny15, DustyD, howardsgirlfriend, and others I am either forgetting or haven't read yet) have a lot of excellent things to say, and we all have a common goal or purpose for being on this site. What I'm saying about positive thinking is not that easy, you are right, but it is worth it, and so are you.
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Post by 1rarebeautifuldove on Jul 8, 2016 19:10:13 GMT -5
notanotherdecade - I am building my self esteem. I include a lot of excerpts from self help books and self love courses that I am currently taking online. I am doing everything in my power to learn to value myself. The stickers going on - I say affirmations as I put them in. I say affirmations all day long. I write affirmations each morning and each evening. There are many many many many things that can happen to a woman to cause her to doubt her value, her gifts, her worth, herself. I have had more than my share. And it is a process. My self esteem and worth have gone from about -1000 to maybe about 80 on some days. on a scale of 1-100. And yes, going to bed at a reasonable hour is important too and something I need to start doing. I too often have stayed up until 2 or 3, mostly to talk to people here. And I have appreciated the conversations. dayeanu - I do a lot of stuff to to appeal to my inner child. It is why I do this with stickers and color the calendar squares. As I was telling, creativechaos last night, I even color the better part of the page blue and put fish stickers in each square for items tossed, donated or put away. Or my other one for fun is to create a scene where I (the princess) is walking down a path. so I make a random path across the square treating it as graph paper. Then I do the sides with stickers for items, then I head down the path. Because to me - this IS a journey.
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Post by dayeanu on Jul 8, 2016 19:16:43 GMT -5
1rarebeautifuldove, yes, it is a journey! And it may as well be a fun one! I think it's great that you do fun things for your inner child. Right now I mostly just comfort mine, and re-assure her. I let her have some fun time, too. I just don't let her be in charge or call the shots on adult responsibilities! Otherwise, she'd be telling me the creature from the black lagoon lives in the kitchen sink and I better not go near it! LOLOL!
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Post by notanotherdecade on Jul 9, 2016 1:51:22 GMT -5
Yes @vyaspigeon i have a backlog of "moodscope" quotes to catch up on. Part of the decluttering of digital clutter to do.
Perhaps too much effort is put into trying to be an adult, letting the child inside play some more is probably just what is needed. Tonight I want to "play" at the gym, before even attempting to pretend to be an adult.
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Post by notanotherdecade on Sept 7, 2016 11:32:08 GMT -5
 Planting a song for when I need it |
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H2H
Banned
halfwaytohoarder gets rid of it all!
Joined: February 2017
Posts: 2,041
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Post by H2H on Apr 11, 2017 14:56:17 GMT -5
that song was so lovely... thank you...
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Post by notanotherdecade on Apr 11, 2017 15:01:33 GMT -5
, was one of the songs I relied upon in difficult times
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