|
|
Post by dustylady on Oct 12, 2017 14:52:44 GMT -5
Hi Wiley,
You and the husband may want to sit down and agree on some housekeeping standards, or lack thereof. A cleanie and a messie can live together--my parents did it for 68 years--but there does have to be SOME point of agreement. (Theirs was Dad got to have the basement, immaculate, and Mom would [attempt to] do better when he was really getting antsy about it.)
|
|
|
|
Post by def6 on Oct 14, 2017 21:29:58 GMT -5
Hello wileycoyote and Welcome My anger about DH and his lack of work around the house was causing much of the problem at my house. I had to forget about getting his help. You have a lot of clothes and a lot of dishes. Think about reducing the amounts. The less you have... the less you have to clean. You can do it! Good luck |
|
|
|
Post by creativechaos on Oct 15, 2017 22:54:14 GMT -5
hello, wileycoyote, and welcome! you're had a lot of good tips and suggestions already from folks who live with partners/husbands. i live alone so don't have much to offer there since i am slovenly and lose focus often and drop and throw stuff all around; plus, i hoard. but the key to success in maintenance is mindfulness (slowing down and noticing what one is doing or not doing) and doing the daily work, not letting it pile up through a thousand little neglects that add up to disastrous results in mere days or weeks. (ask me how i know this.) your place is beautiful and well kept, so we know you can do this! except for your kitchen and the laundry situations, your place looks fantastic, so it's clear that with some initial hard work you can clean up, then stay in better maintenance. re the kitchen: do you both cook a lot? would your fiance rather cook than clean? the suggestions given are really good, and they work - especially the BDG method, which is retraining yourself to be mindful and do lots of small bits. one of my fave BDG methods is never to leave a room empty handed. that works wonders in keeping your place picked up in a fairly effortless way. another great thing is the 30 second rule - make a game of it. if it takes less than 30 seconds, just do it. you'd be amazed what you can get done. i looked at your pictures of the laundry situation, (and your beautiful, healthy and happy looking cats). i noticed that everything seems to be on the floor, including the hampers, and there are so many of them it seems visually confusing. is there some way you can get the clean clothes up off the floor and/or simplify down to less (and maybe larger) hampers and clothes and emphasize to your fiance repeatedly that clean clothes go UP, say on a table or shelves, and dirty clothes go down on the floor in a hamper or two? where do the clothes go when you put them away - on open shelving? in drawers? do hanging things get put onto hangers when they come out of the dryer? does your fiance have adhd? (ie does he lose focus, forget things often, lose stuff like keys often, strew and drop stuff everywhere - ie is he organizationally challenged?) if so, your work is harder. have you tried other simpler systems? if he is visual he may need to "see" everything out horizontally, rather than dig down for stuff that he cannot see. perhaps clear plastic drawer sets or open shelves for the clean stuff (that's what i use) - with least-used stuff in bottom drawers/shelves and most-used stuff closer to waist/chest level. the trick is to find what clicks for him - do words on hampers work? ("darks/lights/dirty/clean/hang/pants/shirts/ETC). does color-coding things work? the kon mari method of rolling clothes in a drawer so you can see everything you have at a glance also works for some folks. you may need to get creative to find systems that work with his brain wiring. does your fiance make enough money he would be willing to pay to get you a cleaning or laundry service? would he rather work along with you than alone, in the kitchen? can you make it a fun "togetherness" thing to clean up the kitchen - maybe some good motivating dance music, etc? have you asked him what might work for him in these situations, and where he thinks he is getting stuck or sidetracked? dropping expectations (and frustrations) and just doing it yourself keeps your sanity, because he probably won't change. which leads to the questions: if he won't or can't change, can you live with that, and are you willing to compensate for it to make things work? if so, what can you do to still make it work for YOU? if you can't live with it, short of breaking it off with him, what are your other options if you want to stay together and marry him? (ie hiring someone, etc) you're definitely in the right place with some great people who know so much about clearing, cleaning, and keeping things together! |
|
|
|
Post by lizzie on Oct 16, 2017 2:15:25 GMT -5
Hi there,
what does your partner do in his paid job? (You don't have to say what it is.) - Think about what systems he uses at work, or is required to follow, and maybe it will give you some ideas for having the same sort of system and habit at home for various things.
Many of us have WAY too many clothes. Thinking of the 80/20 rule (eg that for 80% of the time we wear only 20% of our available clothes), maybe you could donate some of your own and simplify your own choices a bit.
I hope you find lots of good ideas on the board and all the encouragment you could want! Best wishes, Lizzie
|
|
|
|
Post by wileycoyote on Oct 16, 2017 10:02:08 GMT -5
Hey guys, not sure if anyone is still checking this out but we've gotten a whole lot done! The worst is over and all the smelly stuff is gone and we can cook again! Progress! imgur.com/a/R0IRS |
|
|
|
Post by wileycoyote on Oct 16, 2017 11:22:34 GMT -5
hello, wileycoyote, and welcome! you're had a lot of good tips and suggestions already from folks who live with partners/husbands. i live alone so don't have much to offer there since i am slovenly and lose focus often and drop and throw stuff all around; plus, i hoard. but the key to success in maintenance is mindfulness (slowing down and noticing what one is doing or not doing) and doing the daily work, not letting it pile up through a thousand little neglects that add up to disastrous results in mere days or weeks. (ask me how i know this.) your place is beautiful and well kept, so we know you can do this! except for your kitchen and the laundry situations, your place looks fantastic, so it's clear that with some initial hard work you can clean up, then stay in better maintenance. re the kitchen: do you both cook a lot? would your fiance rather cook than clean? the suggestions given are really good, and they work - especially the BDG method, which is retraining yourself to be mindful and do lots of small bits. one of my fave BDG methods is never to leave a room empty handed. that works wonders in keeping your place picked up in a fairly effortless way. another great thing is the 30 second rule - make a game of it. if it takes less than 30 seconds, just do it. you'd be amazed what you can get done. i looked at your pictures of the laundry situation, (and your beautiful, healthy and happy looking cats). i noticed that everything seems to be on the floor, including the hampers, and there are so many of them it seems visually confusing. is there some way you can get the clean clothes up off the floor and/or simplify down to less (and maybe larger) hampers and clothes and emphasize to your fiance repeatedly that clean clothes go UP, say on a table or shelves, and dirty clothes go down on the floor in a hamper or two? where do the clothes go when you put them away - on open shelving? in drawers? do hanging things get put onto hangers when they come out of the dryer? does your fiance have adhd? (ie does he lose focus, forget things often, lose stuff like keys often, strew and drop stuff everywhere - ie is he organizationally challenged?) if so, your work is harder. have you tried other simpler systems? if he is visual he may need to "see" everything out horizontally, rather than dig down for stuff that he cannot see. perhaps clear plastic drawer sets or open shelves for the clean stuff (that's what i use) - with least-used stuff in bottom drawers/shelves and most-used stuff closer to waist/chest level. the trick is to find what clicks for him - do words on hampers work? ("darks/lights/dirty/clean/hang/pants/shirts/ETC). does color-coding things work? the kon mari method of rolling clothes in a drawer so you can see everything you have at a glance also works for some folks. you may need to get creative to find systems that work with his brain wiring. does your fiance make enough money he would be willing to pay to get you a cleaning or laundry service? would he rather work along with you than alone, in the kitchen? can you make it a fun "togetherness" thing to clean up the kitchen - maybe some good motivating dance music, etc? have you asked him what might work for him in these situations, and where he thinks he is getting stuck or sidetracked? dropping expectations (and frustrations) and just doing it yourself keeps your sanity, because he probably won't change. which leads to the questions: if he won't or can't change, can you live with that, and are you willing to compensate for it to make things work? if so, what can you do to still make it work for YOU? if you can't live with it, short of breaking it off with him, what are your other options if you want to stay together and marry him? (ie hiring someone, etc) you're definitely in the right place with some great people who know so much about clearing, cleaning, and keeping things together! Sorry for double quote trying to reply to each part!!!! "your place is beautiful and well kept, so we know you can do this! except for your kitchen and the laundry situations, your place looks fantastic, so it's clear that with some initial hard work you can clean up, then stay in better maintenance." Thank you!! It has been lots of work on my part keeping the rest clean and I do struggle to keep my own" personal space" clean as well. I've added a pic of how my office tends to get but this is during me trying to clean the closets and moving things in there. I've moved my guinea pigs out of there for now but the rat cage has to stay since the cats terrify them. imgur.com/a/3cyXE"i looked at your pictures of the laundry situation, (and your beautiful, healthy and happy looking cats). i noticed that everything seems to be on the floor, including the hampers, and there are so many of them it seems visually confusing. is there some way you can get the clean clothes up off the floor and/or simplify down to less (and maybe larger) hampers and clothes and emphasize to your fiance repeatedly that clean clothes go UP, say on a table or shelves, and dirty clothes go down on the floor in a hamper or two? where do the clothes go when you put them away - on open shelving? in drawers? do hanging things get put onto hangers when they come out of the dryer? " The cats are both very very well cared for and same with my rats and guinea pigs, they have been my priority since they don't have hands to clean their stuff up on their own! The boys (cats) are 7 months old in a few weeks. The pigs are 2 and 1, big white and brown one kermit is 2 and the ginger fluff ball cookie is 1. The rats are between 2 and 8 months, (pip, Bailey, sage, azzy, Rory and soon to come home two babies pix and mouse) Another, album of the little ones imgur.com/a/jPxpd"does your fiance have adhd? (ie does he lose focus, forget things often, lose stuff like keys often, strew and drop stuff everywhere - ie is he organizationally challenged?)" He does not at all, but I do and have been diagnosed since age 10 and then again at 18 " if so, your work is harder. have you,tried other simpler systems? if he is visual he may need to "see" everything out horizontally, rather than dig down for stuff that he cannot see. perhaps clear plastic drawer sets or open shelves for the clean stuff (that's what i use) - with least-used stuff in bottom drawers/shelves and most-used stuff closer to waist/chest level. the trick is to find what clicks for him - do words on hampers work? " We use bins in the bathroom under the sink and they are clear, the issue is after using things they get left layer everywhere. Seemingly for no reason. Same with dishes even when clean. When putting away dishes for some reason bowls or cups will end up at the very far side of the kitchen which make NO SENSE because the cupboard with the bowls and cups is litirally right above the dishwasher with no obstructions. Or even groceries will be left at the front door and he will bring a few things to the fridge and then leave the rest on the bench or even just carry one or two things to the counter and set them down and leave it there. Like what??? They all go in the fridge? I come home way too often to things still sitting out on the counter that could have just gone back into the fridge. Hampers don't work at all, we have 10 hampers that I tried using and putting in every room in the most common spot clothes were left but he just finds another spot to leave them or just drops them where he stands. Socks a few feet from the hamper, wet towels on the floor also left INCHES from a hamper. I just need to figure out a way to fix this habit without being passive aggressive, I've thought about just picking up all the laundry and putting it on his desk but he would be mad I didn't just put it in the hamper.... He keeps saying I know Im sorry but then does nothing.... "does your fiance make enough money he would be willing to pay to get you a cleaning or laundry service? would he rather work along with you than alone, in the kitchen? can you make it a fun "togetherness" thing to clean up the kitchen - maybe some good motivating dance music, etc? have you asked him what might work for him in these situations, and where he thinks he is getting stuck or sidetracked?" He doesn't, living where we do (no choice work and school) is already expensive and the cleaning people would want a ridiculous amount. Plus the type of cleaning isn't things that you can hire someone to do where we live. They will dust Mop and sweep but laundry and dishes are things I've never seen someone do. Were not super well off, we got very very very lucky with our apartment since it's a basement with no windows but it would be twice the cost normally. "dropping expectations (and frustrations) and just doing it yourself keeps your sanity, because he probably won't change. which leads to the questions: if he won't or can't change, can you live with that, and are you willing to compensate for it to make things work? if so, what can you do to still make it work for YOU? if you can't live with it, short of breaking it off with him, what are your other options if you want to stay together and marry him? (ie hiring someone, etc)" I am willing to compensate but it's not without a huge deal of effort. I'm a recovering alcoholic and he has been sticking with me even when it was rough so I don't feel like I can ask more of him right now.. |
|
|
|
Post by wileycoyote on Oct 16, 2017 11:28:42 GMT -5
Hi there, what does your partner do in his paid job? (You don't have to say what it is.) - Think about what systems he uses at work, or is required to follow, and maybe it will give you some ideas for having the same sort of system and habit at home for various things. Many of us have WAY too many clothes. Thinking of the 80/20 rule (eg that for 80% of the time we wear only 20% of our available clothes), maybe you could donate some of your own and simplify your own choices a bit. I hope you find lots of good ideas on the board and all the encouragment you could want! Best wishes, Lizzie He is a teacher, and he has a *** ton of clothes and still says he needs more since he doesn't have enough for work. But the reason he thinks this is because he NEVER DOES Laundry he easily has enough for over a full week of work and home clothes but still thinks he needs more.. Here is his closet next to mine since I spent the last 4 days cleaning.and before you click the outside thing is a drying rack with only his clothing on it. It just won't fit in his closet without smushing the rest. The bins under the rack are filled with more clothes, the bottom of mine is a guitar amp and a light box table for drafting. imgur.com/gallery/LERy5 |
|
|
|
Post by wileycoyote on Oct 16, 2017 11:31:50 GMT -5
P.S. congratulations on your sobriety! Thank you! It's been tough |
|
|
|
Post by bub on Oct 16, 2017 13:32:51 GMT -5
Awesome job wileycoyote!!!!
A lot of laundromats will do wash and fold for laundry- you may have to sort into like clothes or may not. They can charge by the weight or the load depending on where you go. It may cost $25 a week but you just have to schlep it over then pick it up all clean and put it away, They look after dry-cleaning too.
(Yes, my family owned a laundromat for a few years- yes, I did wash and fold loads and lived and breathed laundry, and yes, I spent 30 minutes picking up clothes off the floor this weekend but the closet is a site. I talk the talk but don't yet walk the walk. Anyhoo, we charged like $10 for big bags of laundry but that was 20 years ago- laundromat machine prices haven't changed much though)
|
|
|
|
Post by TML on Oct 16, 2017 20:57:29 GMT -5
Hey guys, not sure if anyone is still checking this out but we've gotten a whole lot done! The worst is over and all the smelly stuff is gone and we can cook again! Progress! imgur.com/a/R0IRS |
|
|
|
Post by lostchild on Oct 20, 2017 12:18:15 GMT -5
Yippee!!!! Wonderful progress.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arid on Oct 20, 2017 23:59:49 GMT -5
Oh, yes; we check back. We value your updates!!
As others have said, congratulations on all your progress!
Arid
|
|
|
|
Post by dustylady on Oct 24, 2017 22:35:44 GMT -5
Congratulations, gentlemen! Now onward and upward! Living space--the final frontier!
|
|
