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Post by def6 on Jan 19, 2018 16:53:18 GMT -5
Hello james Congrats on getting the 3 rooms cleaned up. At least now, if you have to sign for a package or go in and out of your front door, you don't have to be so guarded. It's a stress reducer. I've read your comments..I think you are a "marathon" cleaner just like me. That was the only way for me to have company over in the past was to clean that way. I would always get sick afterwards. I have found that it actually takes less time to clean it up after you mess it up than to do the marathons. Reasons why? Messy attracts messy .For example, If your dining room table is clean and clear you are less likely to set something down on it. If stuff starts to accumulate you are more likely use it as a dumping ground. I have had to adopt the "clean as you go " mentality to make it.
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james
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Posts: 35
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Post by james on Jan 19, 2018 22:06:58 GMT -5
Hello james Congrats on getting the 3 rooms cleaned up. At least now, if you have to sign for a package or go in and out of your front door, you don't have to be so guarded. It's a stress reducer. I've read your comments..I think you are a "marathon" cleaner just like me. That was the only way for me to have company over in the past was to clean that way. I would always get sick afterwards. I have found that it actually takes less time to clean it up after you mess it up than to do the marathons. Reasons why? Messy attracts messy .For example, If your dining room table is clean and clear you are less likely to set something down on it. If stuff starts to accumulate you are more likely use it as a dumping ground. I have had to adopt the "clean as you go " mentality to make it. Ahhhh, the dining room table..tomorrow’s target!
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james
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Post by james on Jan 19, 2018 22:56:29 GMT -5
Hi james, good work on getting started! Here's a suggestion--some of us have small garbage cans in EVERY room. It's not too hard to throw the trash in the can instead of on the floor as long as there's a can handy wherever you are, and if you line the cans with the small trash bags you can just take the bag out and put a fresh one in when it's full--a lot easier than picking stuff up off the floor. If you can't afford to buy garbage cans, get a box that's the right size for a small bag to fit in and use that. It makes a big difference--of course--you have to train yourself to use the trash cans, but that's a habit that you can work on. Habits take a while to form but they're possible, keep posting, it'll be your reminder to work on your new habits. Welcome! Diane I’ve thought about this, but good grief, trashcans EVERYWHERE?!...but I guess I’m going to do it.
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james
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Posts: 35
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Post by james on Jan 19, 2018 23:38:09 GMT -5
Hi James, this is an extremely supportive forum, sometimes supportive to the point of being collusive in destructive behaviour. I want to support you to clean up your house but I also want to remind you that if squalor is impacting on others in the household, who are dependent on others for care (such as children, elderly, people with disabilities, animals) then we are looking at a neglect/abuse situation. In most countries this would not only be considered morally wrong, it would also be a crime. Please consider if your home is the best place for your mother. If there is other options available it may be best for the both of you to take one. Caring for an elderly parent is an extremely difficult thing to do, as many members of this forum can attest to, and there would be no shame in getting help. I am sorry if my comments seem harsh but I am concerned about the welfare of your mother as well as you. Thanks. I should elaborate more on my Mom, the squalor/hoarder who produced me. (hear the sarcastic resentment?) She retired last year at 77 years old and was the longest term, highest paid employee at the school she’s always worked at. She has a doctorate degree in education/library science and worked as a teacher/librarian her whole life. A LIBRARIAN!..those people that organize and file everything?! Yet she’s always been a hoarder/squalor at her home. There’s a story there but I won’t go into that. I moved back in with Mom last year when she was diagnosed with cancer to help with her recovery and because I was the only sibling that could. So I bulldozed out my house one last time and sold it. Going through Moms house made me furious and we fought several times about it, but being the hoarder she is, her reply was I could go live somewhere else, she didn’t need me and DONT touch my stuff! Two weeks after her cancer surgery she developed blood clots in her legs and lungs and landed back in the hospital for almost a month. After talking with other family members we decided I should take the opportunity to bulldoze out Moms house, which I did. When she returned home she walked in, let out a long sigh, and went to bed. (she knew it was coming) Moms room is relatively easy to keep clean now because she rarely gets out of the house to bring trash and collectibles back inside, but while cleaning up a few fast food bags the other day in her room and walking back into the front of the house where only I live is when it hit me in the face, my own “squalorism” had taken over the front of the house and for the first time I had to admit that I too was a squalor. (Thank God I’m not a hoarder too, I’m actually a minimalist, which works out great for squalors,.. more room to kick your way through the trash!) But then is when I realized that I needed help.. I don’t think my mothers in danger of the authorities taking her away, legally.. she’s clothed and in her “right mind” and her only problem healthwise today is the arthritis in her hips that puts her in danger of falling, she needs someone staying with her. She also has the resources to hire a full-time housekeeper and a sitter too, but of course chooses not too, they would just mess with all her stuff! So I really don’t see how the authorities could take her, but they could cause us a lot of problems and embarrassment. Finally, I’ve seen and learned of our problem and Im seeking help to “fix us”..with her fighting me all the way, being a hoarder like she is. I realize I have to take my part of the blame and responsibility. I found boxes and boxes of bills, receipts, etc. dating back to the 1960s, from when her and Dad first got married, up to the current date under her bed! She has her parents underwear stacked in boxes all over the house (their entire house is inside her house as a matter of fact), she throws NOTHING away! She’s admitted she has a problem and that it’s sick and depressing, when she’s in the mood to talk honestly, so we’re gonna get there, it’s just all up to me to do it now. Thanks for yalls help and support. Tomorrow I’m tackling the dining room table, I think it’s still in there somewhere, and buying a tall galvanized trashcan for every room in the house!
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Post by razy on Jan 19, 2018 23:50:51 GMT -5
Good luck james you have some big challenges ahead of you. As I have said this is an extremely supportive forum so you are in the right place!
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james
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Joined: January 2018
Posts: 35
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Post by james on Jan 20, 2018 0:00:52 GMT -5
Good luck james you have some big challenges ahead of you. As I have said this is an extremely supportive forum so you are in the right place! Thanks, I am a binge cleaner, as someone else pointed out, but I need to learn to manage it daily, as opposed to once every year or two..being raise by a hoarder/squalor, I wasn’t taught to clean, and when my parents threatened to ground me if I didn’t clean my room, I found all my junk and trash fit perfectly under my bed..if I pushed hard enough... I think they didn’t feel right about scolding me for doing the same things they themselves knew they we’re doing, but as life sometimes dictates, we now have to make a change! I guess I was able to stay in denial, which runs deep in my family roots, because I’ve always been single and would never have anyone over to my house to visit. I always went to my friends houses or met them out somewhere to socialize. I just have them fooled into thinking m a very private person I guess.. Thanks for your support.
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Post by hollyhock on Jan 20, 2018 5:34:58 GMT -5
WTG James on all you have done so far.
Re the garbage cans in every room - they do not need to be the big galvanized types, unless you feel you really need that. I am in maintenance, but I still have small cans - like you'd find in a bathroom - in almost every room. They are not unsightly. I don't have 1 in my LR, but if I have a cold and therefore am using tissues frequently, I move one beside where I sit. The main point here is to just put things where you use them. If laundry tends to collect in 1 or 2 areas, that's where to put your hamper, etc. So whether garbage or dirty clothes, things land in their receptacle instead of on the floor. Of course, then comes the task of emptying them. Would you empty them when they are full? I try to empty my kitchen can every day or 2, and the ones in the other rooms at least weekly. That would be a great new habit to work on, and I'm sure would make a big all-over difference.
Good for you for helping your mom despite her not wanting to get rid of things. Several others here also face the same issues. And WTG on realizing you also have a problem. Realizing them is the first big step in helping yourself. It's all in baby-steps though. It's easier to try to do a bit each day rather than wear yourself out with the marathons.
Wishing you all the best!
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james
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Joined: January 2018
Posts: 35
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Post by james on Jan 20, 2018 7:20:06 GMT -5
WTG James on all you have done so far. Re the garbage cans in every room - they do not need to be the big galvanized types, unless you feel you really need that. I am in maintenance, but I still have small cans - like you'd find in a bathroom - in almost every room. They are not unsightly. I don't have 1 in my LR, but if I have a cold and therefore am using tissues frequently, I move one beside where I sit. The main point here is to just put things where you use them. If laundry tends to collect in 1 or 2 areas, that's where to put your hamper, etc. So whether garbage or dirty clothes, things land in their receptacle instead of on the floor. Of course, then comes the task of emptying them. Would you empty them when they are full? I try to empty my kitchen can every day or 2, and the ones in the other rooms at least weekly. That would be a great new habit to work on, and I'm sure would make a big all-over difference. Good for you for helping your mom despite her not wanting to get rid of things. Several others here also face the same issues. And WTG on realizing you also have a problem. Realizing them is the first big step in helping yourself. It's all in baby-steps though. It's easier to try to do a bit each day rather than wear yourself out with the marathons. Wishing you all the best! Thanks, and yes it wore me out doing what I’ve done so far..it was my first good day after just getting over the flu this year, and I haven’t been out of bed much or done anything else since..I cleaned from 5 pm til 8 am the next morning, but when the cleaning bug hits I have to go with it! Thanks for the suggestions, I’ll do them.. (and TRY to empty the cans too!)
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Post by momof3boys on Jan 20, 2018 8:23:48 GMT -5
James a big welcome! I think you will find a lot of friendship and support here. I'm very thankful for this place. I dont know there is an exact science to why it happens but it does happen. Some of us struggle with depression or other health issues. Some of us have had trauma or loss. I lost my train of thought. Anyways welcome!
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Post by phoenixcat on Jan 20, 2018 9:58:04 GMT -5
Welcome! A few things that we talk about here are eliminate the evidence, PEEP, and DEFEND. All versions of the same theme as you move rooms into maintenance. Eliminate the evidence is simply that every time you do something - make a sandwich, start a load of laundry, pull out tools for a project that at the end - you act like you are leaving a crime scene and wipe away your presence. PEEP - I never remember exactly the acronym but roughly stands for put everything in its place. Once you go deeper into the website, you will see a lot of people have PEEP on their lists of to-dos. Looking around the rooms daily and putting away things that belong elsewhere. Defend - defend your hard work. We all have the same tendency - you are eliminating stuff from one area but then putting some back on a "clear" area because it is convenient and most likely belongs in that other room anyway. So, part of the process of any major clean-out is to defend the areas that you already cleared. Go back through them first before the next big task - make sure you haven't started to re-squalor. May take an hour (especially as you are learning new habits) but a lot easier than days and days. A couple other maintenance tips we all use is BDG method - one of our members with a disability got out of squalor by picking up and carrying whenever she got up. Most people get up many times a day - just looking around you and carrying dishes back to the kitchen, shoes back to the closet, garbage to the trash can - no extra effort - you are getting up anyway. The other small maintenance tip is to do something while something else is working. I have a one cup brewer - I drink two cups of coffee every morning. I load and unload the dishwasher during those few minutes when my cup is brewing. Or, I wash out a sink of soaking pots/pans. Same theory for a regular coffee pot or a kettle If you are cooking something or even a few minutes while the microwave is going - wipe down the countertops, throw a few things out of the refrigerator, clean up and put away some of the cooking dishes that are no longer in use. Gather trash and put in the outside bin. Speaking of trash - not sure of your situation but many of us have weekly pick-up. Most of the time we make it our mission to have it as full as possible for "trash day". I usually go through the refrigerator/pantry/freezer at that time and get rid of a lot. I especially like filling the recycling. Call me weird. Similar to walking from room to room carrying stuff - another maintenance task is to carry stuff outside the house every time we leave - take garbage/recycling to the outside bins on our way out, drop off donations, etc. And, if you can afford it - take advantage of "services" - professional shredding, laundry and dry cleaning, hiring a housekeeper/maid after you have de-squalored. You are moving fast to one of the hardest parts - maintenance. But it is achievable - good luck!! And, the feeling of "freedom" is priceless - not having the "worry" of squalor is like having a huge weight lifted off of you. PC
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james
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Posts: 35
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Post by james on Jan 20, 2018 10:44:48 GMT -5
Do you get any help with your depression? I’ve always had depression, it runs on both sides of my family, sometimes it’s bad, sometimes it’s just there.. I tried all the drugs when I was younger and they just made me feel sick so I’ve learned to just live with it, but it does affect me..instead of addressing the mess and cleaning I just go to bed..
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Post by def6 on Jan 20, 2018 11:21:39 GMT -5
james I'm rooting for you as you tackle that dining room table. I'll even go clean off mine.
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Post by mynicehome on Jan 20, 2018 12:11:05 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum james! There is so much good information posted by others already, I've not much to add in that area. I myself use baby steps to reach a cleaning goal but my situation is not like yours. Prayers for your mother's health and your own. Sliding into squalor will take its toll on physical health, as well as mental/emotional. I'm happy that you are working toward changing that now.
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Post by shellsncheese on Jan 20, 2018 18:07:12 GMT -5
Welcome!
The advice to just keep coming back for help and support it spot on. If you get stuck, just come post that you are stuck.
Also, yes trash cans in every room. My old apartment had a lot of doors, so I hung a plastic shopping bag from every door handle. I was never more than a few steps from a bag. I also tried to always have something in my hands that was headed to the right place, whether that place was it's proper home or the trash or recycling or donations.
It sounds like you are okay cleaning a huge mess, which is great! But you probably don't have the systems to keep it clean. There are lots of suggestions here. Just jump in and do whatever works for you.
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Post by papermoon on Jan 20, 2018 22:22:27 GMT -5
Hi james and welcome. You're in exactly the right place here. PEEP is pretty basic. It stands for "a Place for Everything and Everything in its Place"... in other words, put stuff away where it belongs, and especially if it belongs in the trash. If you feel up to reading about how clutter affects our personal relationships, I recommend this excellent book from a man's point of view: "Clutter Busting Your Life: Clearing Physical and Emotional Clutter to Reconnect with Yourself and Others" by Brooks Palmer. It can help you determine if you and your mother are co-enablers in squalor, and if so, what to do about it.
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