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Post by findingmyvoice on Mar 3, 2019 3:59:00 GMT -5
Hi Everyone. I am hoping for advice. My elderly mother (85 years years old) has been evicted. She has Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia and has gone down hill very rapidly during the last 5 months since diagnosis. She had a small dog that she loved and considered her baby. The dog recently passed away on February 11th. The dog was 17 years old and blind, deaf, having trouble walking and she could no longer carry her dog downstairs (She lives in second floor apartment). So the dog used pee pads that incontinent people use on their beds. Urine leaked from the pads to the carpet and neighbors complained about the smell. The Board of Health got involved and after 5 inspections, frantic cleanings, two professional rug cleanings and two visits from professional cleaners, the BOH gave her a 14 day eviction notice and then the apartment will be condemned. She was supposed to be out on February 20th. Landlord had the notice on her desk for 5 days before notifying me so I didn't have 14 days! I was terrified! I work with the Elderly and I know what happens to people in this predicament. The Sheriff will padlock her apartment and she will be homeless, unable to get back into the home. After eviction for hoarding and being a public nuisance, her chances of getting another apartment in public low cost housing is zero. Of course, she could live with me on a short term basis but it would not work for a long time. I can't provide the care she needs with her disease and she blames me for all her problems. I know her anger comes from her disease and the bad situation she finds herself in but it is still hard for me to handle. I had my mother put into a Skilled Nursing Facility immediately. I was lucky to find a nice place and she adjusted well to her new life. She is moving on Tuesday to an Assisted Living Home. She has visited her new home and likes it very much. I am thrilled that she is safe, comfortable and reasonably happy. It took a lot of time and effort to find this nice home. My boss is very upset with me for taking time off to handle this situation and My Mom's landlord called him (I work with Elderly Services) to complain about me in detail. She put the worst possible spin on her story too! Everyone at work knows! Very embarrassing! I feel that I may lose my job over this. I have worked with this company for 24 years and have a clean record and lots of vacation, sick and personal time to use. It shouldn't be a problem but the boss is making it a problem. I am 63 and could retire but it is not in my best interests at this time. I had two eye surgeries scheduled in February and I am so glad I got them done. Surgeries were scheduled months before my Mom's crisis. If anyone is considering Cataract surgery, please do not be afraid (I was!) it really is a simple procedure and it is the thought of it that is frightening. I was legally blind for most of my life and I can see now without glasses. It is truly a miracle! I will be getting new glasses to improve my vision once my eyes heal but i can function fully now without them. Unfortunately this has dug into the time I needed to clean out my Mom's apartment. Once my mother and her dog were out of the apartment, I was able to get the Landlord to agree to a 30 day notice to vacate. I have until March 12th I really thought i could do it. I had been working on the apartment for months. My Mom is a lifelong hoarder and has lived in this apartment for 18 years. She is an orderly hoarder. She has everything in boxes stacked neatly. She had a reasonably clean house until her dog got sick last fall. I thought I could just move everything out to storage or my garage. But things never move that smoothly! My mother had no organization. Everything has to be gone through. One minute you are seeing expired coupons and the next in the same box I find pictures of my Great Grandmother who died when I was three. I still remember her and this was a great treasure to find! I live out of town and do not drive due to vision problems. I have to take taxi's back and forth. i can't (or shouldn't) lift heavy objects due to my surgeries and OMG the weather!! I have missed many days because I just couldn't get there due to snow and ice. Also there is just sooooo much stuff. Under the bed, behind bookcases, The closets are stuffed so full you can't close doors after opening them. I can't afford to pay for 1-800-JUNK. I may lose my job and I have paid out so much money to clean apartment already and I have to pay co-payments for health care and up front costs for the Nursing Home and now the Assisted Living.i have no time to get a bank loan and I am trying to get a small company to cart the stuff away. I still have stuff to sort through before I can hire someone. How do I tell them how much stuff there is to cart out? i can't estimate it all. I have to get rid of her junk car too. It doesn't run and I can't drive anyway so i have very few ideas on how to handle that. Landlord is being very mean. I would be angry too in her situation but she is going overboard. She wants everything out and a Crime Scene Cleaning Company to come out. She also wants new carpets installed and the apartment painted. My mother has no money. The Landlord is threatening to sue me if everything is not done to her specifications. I am my Mother's only child so there is noone else. My son lives out of State and he works and has a family. He came out last weekend and helped me move a lot of the salvageable stuff out. He says "Do the best you can and then just leave it". I would feel bad doing that. Time is running out. I am feeling overwhelmed and ashamed over this house. I don't know who I could ask to help with this apartment. It smells bad and I have to shower the minute I get home and wash my clothes and coat to get the smell out. I am glad i wrote this all out. It has helped me a lot. Until i wrote this, I was feeling so worthless and humiliated. But now, I can see that I have gotten a lot done and there is light at the end of the tunnel. I better get to bed. It is almost 4:00 in the morning here. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. It is the calm between two storms! Thanks for reading my book. Sorry it is so long!
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Post by nifty50 on Mar 3, 2019 8:41:10 GMT -5
I don't understand why your mother's landlord is treating you this way when you're not on the lease and didn't live there. Did you co-sign something when your mother moved in there, making you responsible?
Threatening to sue you?? Calling your boss to complain about you??? A bit over the line there. Even if YOUR landlord were to do this, I've never heard of a landlord calling an employer unless maybe for a reference check.
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Post by sillycanuck on Mar 3, 2019 8:47:55 GMT -5
Do you have a human resource department where you work? If so, I would ask them to assit with boss. Asking for all your saved up days to be used now. Is there any chance you could stay at the apartment rather than back and forth to your place. It may be unpleasant but would reduce stress of transportation back and forth. The good news is your mom is happy and settled. Stay hydrated, take breaks thru the day and make time for meals not just snacking. The company to do the haul away can come to make an estimate on amount of stuff--don't be embrassed; this is what they do. Your introduction is not too long. It shows that you are attempting a big task. It is a reflection of how organize you are in your thoughts; converting this to action is hard but doable. Responses to introduction to the site can be lower due to busy weekend schedules of those here on the site. Welcome to the site--supportive and non-judgement group here. Keep checking in, detailing your progress--you will be encourage by seeing your progress in print. You have done alot so far, things are in place to start. Wishing success with the tasks at hand. I will be on the sidelines cheering you on!!!!
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Post by joyinvirginia on Mar 3, 2019 9:25:10 GMT -5
Welcome! and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Don't work so hard on this that you get sick. if you live in the US, ask your HR dept for an FMLA form, then get your mother's doctor at the assisted living to sign it. Family Medical Leave is just that, you are entitled to leave to handle a family emergency, and to be able to return to your job after leave without penalty. Your mother is in a safe situation now, and it sounds like she should not have been living alone, so in the end the eviction is a good thing. You do need help. Is there a local tv station that does "problem solvers" stories to try and get people help? Is there an agency on aging that can refer you to resources or help? Can you talk to local housing dept or fire dept? Can you find a friend with a truck? Is there a church with a teen youth group wanting to earn money, or a church service group that you could ask for help? Here is a link to company Matt Paxton helps run now. The site has lots of good short articles on what to do in a crisis like this. www.wayforth.com
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Post by larataylor on Mar 3, 2019 10:00:46 GMT -5
findingmyvoice - I just want to add some empathy, and I hope some of the advice given is useful. This site is great for that. It looks to me like the landlord is overstepping and trying to make you responsible for a bad situation that you're not responsible for. And your employer should give you the time off you've earned.
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Post by findingmyvoice on Mar 3, 2019 22:37:58 GMT -5
Thank you all for the kindness and support. I didn't get as much done today at my Mom's house as I wanted to. We are expecting a major snowstorm tonight and everyone was out shopping for last minute groceries so I had a long time to wait to get a cab. I had to shop for my Mom so that took time. She is moving to her new place on Tuesday and she will have a twin bed in her room. She always had a Queen size bed and so do I, so I had to go and buy bedding and towels and a few other things for her.
I didn't stay too long at my Mom's because I was afraid the storm would start sooner than expected. I just can't stay overnight there. I am having a very hard time emotionally cleaning out her home. I am cleaning out her life and making judgement calls on her belongings. I am deciding that a lot of her stuff is trash. These things were all important to her, she would be so upset if she knew. I feel so badly about this but I can't keep everything or store everything. It really is trash.
I am just exhausted with this job. It has been going on for 5 months now. Her Landlord called me in October to tell me she failed her annual inspection and something had to be done immediately. My Mom has been a lifelong hoarder and never let people in her house. She would always visit me or meet people outside if they picked her up. She tried to keep things clean but her house was very cluttered and messy. The Landlord had a list of things that had to be done. Her list was logical and reasonable. She wanted clear paths through the rooms. My Mom hung things on the backs of doors and this had to stop so all doors would open flat against the wall. It was very hard to get Mom to comply with these demands. Every time the Landlord came to inspect she had more and more things that needed to be done. We had to totally rearrange her bedroom because the bed could not be in front of the window. This was a huge undertaking!
Once the Landlord called the Board of Health, things really went downhill. My mom failed 5 of their inspections even though we tried hard to meet all their demands. The BOH reported each failed inspection to HUD which funds the apartment complex. These are 5 black marks against the Landlord. I think that is why she is being so unreasonable and calling my boss to complain about me. She expects me to do much more work and quickly. I just can't meet her expectations.
I won't be going over tomorrow so I plan on making a plan. I only have 7 days to finish this. I am going go make phone calls and see if I can get some help. I feel very anxious about this. The house is a disaster and it is so embarrassing to have anyone inside.
I am off to bed. i need to stop staying up late and worrying about this. I need to concentrate on my emotional and physical health.
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Post by moggyfan on Mar 3, 2019 23:15:41 GMT -5
This may be too radical a suggestion, but what if for the next few days you just go through and rescue must-have/must-keep items, and then just walk away from the rest? You were not the tenant, you are not responsible for the condition of the premises. Let the agency that operates the building hire and pay for someone to clear the remaining stuff out. Honestly, unless your name is on the lease, this is not your problem. I would have too much guilt to walk away from a mess I had made myself, but you did not create these conditions. Best to you, whatever you decide to do.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2019 23:38:47 GMT -5
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I will just say my prayers are with you since there is nothing I can do irl.
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Post by larataylor on Mar 4, 2019 17:51:44 GMT -5
You seem to be the kind of person who takes responsibility for things whether or not you are really responsible. Takes one to see one, maybe. Other people can smell this! They will pile as much work on you as they possibly can.
Tell me if I'm off base here. I think maybe you need to think about what's important to YOU. I understand the treasures-amidst-trash thing SO well ... my in-laws did this to me. Could you move this stuff to storage so you don't have a deadline for finding the treasures?
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Post by mylittlescholar on Mar 4, 2019 19:20:18 GMT -5
welcome, findingmyvoice ! this is a great place for support.
you have been dealing with so much, and you have been doing an AWESOME job! Really!
here is my take: It might help to (further) clarify for *yourself* what your actual responsibilities are, and what the actual consequences are of taking or not taking actions. I don't mean to imply that you haven't done this, you obviously have done your homework and you obviously work in the field of elder care, and please don't feel obligated to spend any of your precious time or energy explaining your situation further if it doesn't serve *you.*
The reason I'm bringing this up at all, is it might give you some psychological breathing room to really look at any assumptions you might be making about what you actually have to do. It sounds to me like the other people in the situation are perfectly happy and willing to push you to address their agendas, and violate normal standards, perhaps even ethical and legal standards.
That being said, I'm gonna go back and reread your posts to see if I can get a sense of your goals in all of this.
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Post by mylittlescholar on Mar 4, 2019 19:35:09 GMT -5
okay. rereading, one things that strikes me is that you have been dealing with all of this without any emotional support. the good news is you can't say that anymore!
the shame and humiliation is rough. but it isn't yours. it does not belong to you. you have nothing to be ashamed of. hoarding is just like any other issue that is stigmatized and not understood. I don't mean to minimize the trauma of being a child of a hoarder, I just mean to put it in a particular perspective. Its not your fault.
you must be exhausted! and I hear the urgency of time and money running out. so I think it would really help us if you could tell us what kind of support you would like right now. for example:
do you want ideas? do you want support in being ruthless with decisions? do you want company while you go through the stuff? we can do any or all of the above. we've been there. and are still there, in many cases. you aren't alone any more!
as far as junk cars, many places that accept donations will pick up your car.
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Post by creativechaos on Mar 4, 2019 23:56:54 GMT -5
dear findingmyvoice; others have said things so well and given good suggestions. i just want to say how much i admire you for taking care of your mom and getting her homed, in the worst possible situation for you. you deserve lots of hugs and emotional support right now! i don't know what your state laws are, but there may be help for you in the landlord-tenant laws in your state - especially if your name is NOT on her lease. Car Talk has a program that accepts junk cars - i don't know the details but their website says they do. Found this website called cash for clunkers; it's mostly in CA but i notice at the top it shows all states and you can click on your state if you are in the U.S. www.cashforclunkers.org/Also, regarding work: you've been a good employee for 24 years. It sounds like your employer owes you tons of vacation time; i believe that, by law, you are entitled to them. the suggestion given about applying for a Family Leave of Absence is good and may even be retroactive; i would think that they have to give you your owed vacation days for this if they are not going to pay you for time not taken. You might want to contact the ACLU; they may be a good resource. Again, look to employment laws; they may be on your side. I know with everything on your plate to just get her stuff OUT of there, these research-type tasks seem may impossible. As mylittlescholar suggests, if you let us know what kind of help you need, perhaps some of us can help. i'm happy to do some research and provide you links anyway. I'm still an active hoarder; reading how good you have been to your mother... despite all of this... your story touches me deeply - and I am so sorry you grew up with a hoarder mom. No child deserves this. None of this is your fault. You are handling things remarkably well, all things considered, but you need help, advocacy, and support! I think there are advocacy avenues you can take - there are organizations that are supposed to help with situations like this. Perhaps even the national alzheimers association would be able to point you in the right direction. Just the fact that your mom has alzheimers means, I think, that they absolutely cannot discriminate against her or you because she has not been in her "right mind." For now, sending all the hugs i can your way.
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Post by findingmyvoice on Mar 5, 2019 4:18:44 GMT -5
Hi Everyone Thank you all for the support and understanding. This is exactly the help I needed. I am so grateful to know I am not alone in this. This means more to me than I can say. I am very excited about donating my Mom's car. I would never have thought of this without your help!!
We got 18 inches of snow Sunday night and I was very tempted to call out of work today. I hate slogging through the snow. I just didn't want to face everyone but I went in because if I didn't, I really don't think I would ever have the courage to show my face there again. I was surprised to find a lot of support at work too! I was expecting a day of nasty comments and general despair but actually had a pleasant but very busy day. I spoke with my boss. I told him my mother was moving from her nursing home to assisted living home tomorrow and I needed Tuesday off to help her set up her new room and settle in. He let me use one of my personal days! I told him that I had to take days off to clean out my Mom's apartment and asked about Family Medical Leave Act. You don't get paid but at least you don't lose your job. He told me that wouldn't be necessary, I had plenty of time that I could use. I was shocked when he also said "I wouldn't knock myself out for the Landlord if I were you. She was going to put your Mother out on the street! They were going to padlock the door on February 20th. She only gave you a few more weeks because you are solving her problem for her." I might take Friday and Monday off to sort the last of the stuff and call the job done!
I was going to put things in storage to sort later but I have decided not to. Later never comes! I will be paying $200 a month for years for junk that should have been tossed out in the first place. I should take that $2,400 a year and go on a great vacation! I have hoarding issues! I have a hard time throwing "good, useful" things away. I am learning through this experience, how a few wrong decisions can turn into a disaster! I need to stop this insane family dynamic now. Starting with my Mom's stuff and then I will tackle mine!
Another late night for me! It is after 4:00 in the morning. Talk to you all tomorrow. Thanks again for putting my mind at ease!
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Post by Jannie on Mar 5, 2019 7:54:41 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As I read through the responses, Moggyfan makes a lot of sense. Go through her home just once, take whatever you can for yourself, leave the rest behind. You did not make the mess, you are not legally responsible. Take whatever has sentimental value for you, just grab what you can, you can sort thru it at leisure on your own. and whatever you do, don't feel guilty. You have done the best you can for your Mom. She is in a safe place.
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Post by larataylor on Mar 5, 2019 9:18:22 GMT -5
findingmyvoice - I'm so glad you're feeling better and more empowered! You're so right about the storage. Throwing everything out now will free you from it. You may lose a few treasures, but I think release from the stress of it will be 100% worth it. You'll be free to live YOUR life and take care of your mom. I had things in storage for a long time. The money aspect stressed me a lot. Now a lot of it is in our garage. Really it's so much easier to have a clear space and acquire what you need *when* you need it. Of course, photos of a great-grandmother are an exception to this. But hunting for those things may not be worth the stress and expense of keeping all the junk it's hidden in. The loss of treasures is one of the costs of hoarding. It's very sad, whether you did it to yourself or others did it to you. Here's a thing I've discovered from experience: that potential loss causes ongoing anxiety, but permanent loss allows you to grieve and move on.
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