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Post by def6 on Mar 5, 2019 14:58:31 GMT -5
Hello findingmyvoice So sorry you are going through this. Find out what is available to help your Mom out due to her age, health and financial need. Let her landlord know that he could be held liable if you lose your job based on (his) defamation of (your)character. Did you say everyone at the office knows? You have plenty of witnesses.
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Post by Arid on Mar 5, 2019 15:35:08 GMT -5
Based on what I have seen on the "Judge Judy" television show, def6 is correct.
Judge Judy would award the plaintiff $5,000 for the landlord contacting the employer; I've seen her do it!
Arid
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Post by Arid on Mar 5, 2019 15:38:29 GMT -5
Also, while I *COMPLETELY* understand your desire to save family "treasures," think of it this way: You've been living your life without those things in your possession. (After all, your mother had them--not you.) You can survive without them going forward, too! Furthermore, since you say that you are an only child, to whom would you leave any family heirlooms? Do you have cousins, nieces, nephews . . .?
Arid
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Post by Di on Mar 5, 2019 18:44:13 GMT -5
Call the local churches and see if they have any teens for hire who are working to raise money for a project. The local Methodist church here has teens who are raising money for Mission Trips and they work for cheap...
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Post by creativechaos on Mar 6, 2019 22:04:25 GMT -5
Hi Everyone Thank you all for the support and understanding. This is exactly the help I needed. I am so grateful to know I am not alone in this. This means more to me than I can say. I am very excited about donating my Mom's car. I would never have thought of this without your help!!
We got 18 inches of snow Sunday night and I was very tempted to call out of work today. I hate slogging through the snow. I just didn't want to face everyone but I went in because if I didn't, I really don't think I would ever have the courage to show my face there again. I was surprised to find a lot of support at work too! I was expecting a day of nasty comments and general despair but actually had a pleasant but very busy day. I spoke with my boss. I told him my mother was moving from her nursing home to assisted living home tomorrow and I needed Tuesday off to help her set up her new room and settle in. He let me use one of my personal days! I told him that I had to take days off to clean out my Mom's apartment and asked about Family Medical Leave Act. You don't get paid but at least you don't lose your job. He told me that wouldn't be necessary, I had plenty of time that I could use. I was shocked when he also said "I wouldn't knock myself out for the Landlord if I were you. She was going to put your Mother out on the street! They were going to padlock the door on February 20th. She only gave you a few more weeks because you are solving her problem for her." I might take Friday and Monday off to sort the last of the stuff and call the job done!
I was going to put things in storage to sort later but I have decided not to. Later never comes! I will be paying $200 a month for years for junk that should have been tossed out in the first place. I should take that $2,400 a year and go on a great vacation! I have hoarding issues! I have a hard time throwing "good, useful" things away. I am learning through this experience, how a few wrong decisions can turn into a disaster! I need to stop this insane family dynamic now. Starting with my Mom's stuff and then I will tackle mine!
Another late night for me! It is after 4:00 in the morning. Talk to you all tomorrow. Thanks again for putting my mind at ease!
How wonderful to read this, findingmyvoice! You have a lot of wisdom in these decisions; . It may be that there is physical help if you need it, in the way of church group youth or even hs sports teams trying to raise a little money for a trip or some equipment but I like what def6 and Arid and the other wise commenters on your thread say - that it's ok to walk away from it! - it's not your mess. It is VERY hard to evict someone, EVEN a hoarder, according to landlord/tenant laws. That, coupled with the fact that your mom is in her 80s, has Alzheimers, the LL tried to harass and get you in trouble at work, and her wanting to put your mom out on the street - that is all grounds for getting support from advocacy groups.
I'm thrilled that you were treated kindly at work by your co-workers and your boss! Hoping, wishing, and praying for only good outcomes from this.
VERY wise decision not to pay for storage; i have 3 units and it's a financial, emotional, and energy drain just to go there. YES!! to using that money you'll save by NOT renting a storage space for a VACATION! YOU DESERVE IT!
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Also want to give a huge thank you to larataylor: this quote by you from experience is profoundly helpful and i needed to read it; so much so that I am going to make signs with this quote, and put them up in the apt and my units: Here's a thing I've discovered from experience: that potential loss causes ongoing anxiety, but permanent loss allows you to grieve and move on. that is golden.
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Post by larataylor on Mar 6, 2019 23:12:41 GMT -5
Thanks creativechaos - that was a hard-won bit of insight that I got through my losses a few months ago. I can see the same dynamic when I'm letting go of objects, but the grief I experience after letting go of objects is negligible. Maybe we don't really know how little these things matter to us UNTIL we let them go ... the anxiety about letting them go is much worse than the loss of them.
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Post by Yvette on Mar 7, 2019 1:04:51 GMT -5
I didn't stay too long at my Mom's because I was afraid the storm would start sooner than expected. I just can't stay overnight there. I am having a very hard time emotionally cleaning out her home. I am cleaning out her life and making judgement calls on her belongings. I am deciding that a lot of her stuff is trash. These things were all important to her, she would be so upset if she knew. I feel so badly about this but I can't keep everything or store everything. It really is trash.
You can take photos of her things instead. You cannot keep everything, you have your own house and obviously you cannot take in things from someone else's whole life.
Great impressive quote, larataylor. I wrote it down for reference.
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Post by findingmyvoice on Mar 7, 2019 2:31:32 GMT -5
Hi Everyone Thank you, thank you, thank you all for all the amazing kindness shown and wise advice given. You have helped me more than you will ever know. As the deadline looms, my anxiety has grown and grown. I have been paralyzed by depression and fear for the last two days. I am learning that is the potential losses that cause anxiety and pain and I will be so glad to shut the door and leave all of this behind. Thank you larataylor for your words. This is life changing advice!!
My Mom has moved into her assisted living and she seems to like it. The hairdresser comes on Tuesday and I got my mom's hair done. Best money I ever spent. She was thrilled! Instead of just a haircut, she got the whole wash, cut and set. She loved the pampering! She knoIt isws several of the other people living there and I think she feels comfortable. She is still going to be able to go to the Adult Day Care that she enjoys. They send van to pick several people up. She went today and was so happy to back.
I was emotional when I had to leave her in her new home on Tuesday, but Bingo was starting and her friends were beckoning her over to their table and she gave me a quick kiss and ran over to them. I was dismissed!! I know she is going to be OK. In fact, I think she will thrive there. She already seems better to me. I think the anxiety and depression was affecting her in a very negative way. I know she still has Alzheimer's but she seems able to more things now.
It is 2:30 and I am off to bed. Early for me, I have had insomnia for weeks now. I have to be at work at 8 and being exhausted all day is not helping my situation. Good Night
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Post by mylittlescholar on Mar 7, 2019 6:40:33 GMT -5
Yay! so pleased that your boss "gets it." Apparently Dear LandLady (DLL) revealed her true colors when she crossed that line. And its great to hear how well your Dear Mom (DM) is adjusting.
Its totally normal/understandable that you were feeling paralyzed with the overwhelming quantity of decision, deadline looming, etc. That is really the hardest part. One way to look at hording is that it is a whole bunch of deferred decisions. And now you have to make decisions not only for yourself, but for your mom. It might be helpful to untangle all of this.
First off, of course she wouldn't want you to toss anything--she's been unable to do that for herself. I think the key is to take off your "daughter" hat, and put on your "social worker" hat. In other words, detach from fear of "displeasing" her. Because if she knew, she *would* be displeased. That is a given. AND--that is okay! Letting go of stuff is REALLY uncomfortable for us, that's why we are here. And there are real world consequences if we don't face this discomfort, and do it anyway. Hers was eviction. She was very lucky to have you help her find another place to live..
The blessing-in-disguise of her Alzheimers is that she may never even know about what you have tossed. So that leaves you with the rest of the challenges, which include:
* addressing the internalized/unconscious messages that your inner child heard about tossing her stuff which will probably get triggered by all of this * addressing your own "hoarder" issues which will probably get triggered by all of this * and then all of the practical issues
having a very specific plan when you go in is one way to deal with the overwhelm. its hard to make decisions *in* the space. if your insomnia is because your mind is whirring away, perhaps writing everything down will help.
there are lots of techniques for actually doing the labor, once you are clear about exactly what your objectives are, and if you are going to do any searching/sorting, exactly what your criteria is. there are tools and processes for methodically working from one end of the space to another.
One bit of advice, from my experience of downsizing and moving myself and my parents, is to work by yourself a bit first, before bringing help in, so that you get the hang of the process. I have found that as soon as I had "help," all of MY time was spent managing my help, which meant setting them up, directing them, figuring out what was next, finding the boxes, bags, tape, etc., etc. It really was an almost full-time job just doing that, it was very hard to ALSO be making decisions on top of it, not to mention dealing with my own emotional stuff. (This is why people hire professionals!)
sleep, hydration, breaks, good self-care are all really important. Decision-fatigue is a real thing, and knowing when to call it quits is an art!
YOU GOT THIS!!! and we got your back.
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Post by mylittlescholar on Mar 7, 2019 7:02:14 GMT -5
Also, you mentioned that you couldn't afford 1-800-got-junk and I wasn't sure if that was a literal or hypothetical statement. I have used them several times, and they charge by how much square footage is filled in their truck. It of course was *way* more expensive than doing my own dump runs, taking things to donate, recycle, etc, but the "kids" (young adults) were cheerful, quick, and had zero judgments. They took everything from my giant, jumbled, wet pile away, and sorted it for me. Yes I had pangs as "precious" things went into the truck, but once it was gone, the piece of mind was incredible!
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Post by larataylor on Mar 7, 2019 9:25:53 GMT -5
findingmyvoice - sounds like you got your mom into a great place. And everything Mylittlescholar said is so spot on! I know that 1-800-GOTJUNK is super expensive, and it's scary, too, because you don't know what the bill is going to be until they fill their truck. For me, it was prohibitive. But I really think this is the landlord's responsibility that he/she is trying to push off onto you. Isn't this why people do inspections and have security deposits?
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Post by TML on Mar 7, 2019 11:11:23 GMT -5
Depending on where you live (if US) , the landlords plan to padlock door and toss your mother out on the street is elder abuse especially if she has Dr verified illnesses. The landlord could have been sued. You may want to contact local govt elder care and see if they have a lawyer (discounted/free) that your mother could use or you could use as your mothers care giver. Nothing like a lawyer starring at landlord to make them be more reasonable and even sued for calling your work place.
I would play hardball and get documentation from HR that you do not have to/should take family leave if in US. Also in discussion mention your boss was nice enough to say you could take vacation time etc with emails from him if you have them. Be sure to tell HR you are just checking if they need anything from you (documention such as mothers Drs notes) and how grateful you are your boss agreed to allow you to use your time. One this looks like you are being diligent and the grateful is scoring good employee points. In reality you are setting this up in case someone (Boss) messes you over to have this documented with HR. At my job and I think this is standard in US - we get 5 paid days a year for true family emergency - you should check to see if you have Family Emergency leave with HR too.
Next I would talk to elder care and see about lawyer. I would make that landlord regret the day they were born for treatment of your mother and you. Not in an obvious way but by suing them for calling boss, reporting them to govt agency for potential elder abuse of aged family member on govt assistance and for not being vigilent for renter safety. Also to push for more reasonable time for you to clear and to clearly outline their responsibility versus yours in clean up (ie after that much time in apartment the changing of rugs/painting/renovating is standard and they should not be trying to stick you with anything). Additionally as someone mentioned before you will probably not get security deposit back and that is expected toward fixing place. I think the idea of calling local church for help is a good one.
Good luck and stay in touch. My mother was hoarder and lived with me for 9 years before she had to go to assisted living then nursing home. Your mother is safe and now next thing is too make sure you are safe, well, and you find any valubles/family items you need out of apartment. Personally I would turn screws on landlord because it was elder abuse (abuse of you too) and negligence on their part that helped cause this mess. Make sure there is no next time of their doing this to someone else particularly some elderly person that has no one to keep them safe and from being tossed on streets.
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Post by ohblondie on Mar 7, 2019 13:11:46 GMT -5
If you live in NYS you might qualify for Paid Family Leave (PFL) which is a set number of weeks (I think 16) at 60% (I think, it was 50% last year) of your salary. And it holds your job for you while you address the care of your mother.
Good luck and gentle hugs. I wish I could help you with this.....
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Post by findingmyvoice on Mar 8, 2019 3:59:14 GMT -5
Another late night. Time is running out and I am really panic stricken. I just had a crazy day today. I am just stuffing today in a box and I will deal with today later. Thank you for all the great advice. It has given me a lot to think about. I have been in panic mode and putting out fires, I haven't really let the total injustice of this situation get to me yet. I work in elder care for a small city in Massachusetts and this is not just happening to my Mom. Big story on Boston news, a Catholic Charity running low income housing is evicting 60 seniors to make room for younger people, homeless and drug addicts (Opioid addiction is a major problem here). Something has to be done.
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Post by larataylor on Mar 8, 2019 7:00:25 GMT -5
Big story on Boston news, a Catholic Charity running low income housing is evicting 60 seniors to make room for younger people, homeless and drug addicts (Opioid addiction is a major problem here). Something has to be done. That's awful. Making more homeless people to house homeless people doesn't make a lot of sense.
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