amienough
New Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 2
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Post by amienough on May 27, 2019 11:28:34 GMT -5
Hello... was up the entire night, google search after google search... ‘til I finally came across squalor survivors. Read through practically every bit of all the information provided. Was sad to find that the group had closed... though such a tremendous relief that this new group had formed in order to keep the forum going!
Where to begin? I am 53 and have a 20-yr old daughter. Went through a divorce 12 yrs ago. Her dad and I had to sell our beautiful, custom-built home (the only home my daughter had ever known) as neither he nor I could afford it on our own. I rented a great house in our same town, though when the 1 yr lease was up, I purchased a small house in our town. It was a very expensive town to live in, and after having struggled financially for 4 yrs, I did a voluntary foreclosure- just needed to walk away from it.
To back up a bit, after having given birth to my daughter, I became very depressed- far more than “baby blues” or postpartum depression. I struggled through 2 yrs of being all over the place mentally and emotionally- with depression always seeming to linger on, until finally a diagnosis of bipolar. Somehow through it all though, I managed to care for my daughter very well, work full time, keep my 3,000 sq ft home sparking clean, gardening, and so on. Bit by bit though, I was losing ground. I was fired from my job of 10 yrs, and went through a divorce within about a 14-month time span. After having settled in to the rental house, I began my job search- with great success. Though I was still ill inside, and could not keep up with my great new dream job. I was fired after just 2 or 3 months. Over the course of 2 yrs I got fired from 5 different companies... I had only worked for 2 different companies over the course of more than 20 yrs prior to this! I could market myself & my resume so well to get a job, I just could not keep a job. I eventually applied for social security disability, and actually was approved in a matter of only 4 months.
Getting back to losing my house... I had to find a rental that would accept 2 small dogs & 2 house cats. I did, and signed a 1 yr lease. I never unpacked though- just necessities, for the whole year we lived there. I went on to move 3 more times during the next 3 yrs- every time my 1 yr lease was expiring, I’d move. Still, never unpacking. To me, it felt like I could never find “home” and so I kept moving. Buried beneath more unopened boxes each time. Where we are now, I live. I feel that I’ve finally found “home”. We’ve been here for more than 3 years now- though still, I’ve not really unpacked much more than I had with each of our past moves. Somehow, everything just got away from me. And now the state of chaos in my home seems to be a reflection of the chaos in my head. It’s like they feed off one another, and I just sit, feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed. I am home most everyday, all day. Yet I don’t do a thing to make it any better. It just gets worse. (I am under the care of doctors, therapist, meds just so you know). My daughter is barely here- I wouldn’t be here either, if I didn’t have to be. I have a nurse that comes each day to dispense my meds. She knows it’s not good, though not to what extent. I don’t let her past my back hall. My greatest fear, is my landlord having reason to come in.
I know this is very long, though I just really thought it would be best to lay out the path I’ve followed during the last several years.
Please, I hope to perhaps find at least a little direction as to where to begin... HOW to begin, really. I had rented a 15 yard dumpster earlier this year. I had it in my driveway for 4 months and barely filled it half-way, when in actuality- I could probably fill the same size 2 or 3 times over.
If you’ve read this far, thank you for that.
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Post by phoenixcat on May 27, 2019 12:26:31 GMT -5
amienough WELCOME! You are among friends here. I promise that there is very little that you could tell us that won't have us shaking our heads in agreement. The good news is that you have done it once - you've been out of squalor - it sounds like you raised a wonderful daughter among all the trials and tribulations - pat yourself on the back for that. It isn't easy to "work around" undiagnosed mental illness or even diagnosed. I would encourage you to tell us where you need help. We can definitely flood you with suggestions! Do you have physical challenges? Financial challenges? Do you keep everything or can you let go of obvious trash, recycling, things in disrepair? What is your normal garbage pick-up independent of renting a dumpster? A year from now - what do you want? Do you want to have all your rooms in maintenance in your current home? Do you want to relocate again? Once again, WELCOME. We're a good bunch - we will keep you afloat. We have work along threads, list threads, personal blogs and you ask almost any disgusting question you can think of regarding the mess and you will have people jump in with been there, done that, wearing the t-shirt. Some of us are still on the squalor journey, others are new like yourself and some of us are in maintenance lifting a hand wherever we can. Keep in mind - we are all about baby steps and looking at things one square foot at a time. You didn't get into this overnight and you will won't get out overnight either. For now, I challenge you to grab a grocery bag and fill it with trash and get it out to your bin. Just one bag. And, if you have been letting it go in the cat litter department - I would suggest buying new boxes and new litter and just dumping whatever you have now. Much easier. Ask me how I know! And, then you can make an effort to keep the new boxes clean on a daily basis. PC
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Post by larataylor on May 27, 2019 13:31:12 GMT -5
amienough - I'm so glad you found us. I second all that phoenix said above. Start with the easiest decisions, like gathering trash and getting it out of the house. Take your eyes off the big picture and just do one thing. You can do this, one thing at a time.
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Post by Unswamping on May 27, 2019 13:55:24 GMT -5
Welcome amienough it sounds like youve had a very rough time. Mental illness is so debilitating. Im glad you are getting support in that area. We can support you with the home stuff. I second what phoenixcat said, if you havent kept up the litter boxes, dump them-boxes and all, and start fresh. Then you can start developing the habit of scooping them daily. I have four cats, five boxes and i find that scooping them first thing in morning after my morning coffee is a good time. It takes time for the coffee to kick in so im not fully awake. Its really an autopilot task. Second, i reframed the scooping. Instead of being a gross task (who really likes doing it?), i tell myself that i am nurturing my cats by giving them a clean bathroom. Ive made a mantra of it and repeat it as i scoop. That helps me too.
Are the dogs being walked regularly? That would be another good area to start too. Walking them regularly does a few things: it keeps them from going in the house, it gives them regular exercise, it gives you some exercise (which helps battle depression) and it gets you out of the house for a bit. Im on disability for depression and am in a similiar boat. I rarely leave the house.
Is there animal waste in the house? Areas where there have been pet accidents? I would work on cleaning those up first. There are threads here about dealing with that.
You are not alone. No, youre not the only one living like this or has lived like this or worse. There is hope here, support, encouragement, tips and tricks to tackle the cleaning and chaos. Keep posting. Let us know what specific issues you want to address. If you dont know where to start, thats ok too. It can seem overwhelming in the beginning.
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Post by hannah on May 27, 2019 19:07:06 GMT -5
Welcome to the group---you will find encouragement, support, and so much good advice here. My favorite thing to suggest is getting a cheap timer. Set it for just 15 minutes and focus on one task---washing dishes, picking up trash, gathering your recycling, folding laundry, whatever. During that time, just focus on what's in front of you and don't worry about anything else. (You can do almost anything for 15 minutes, right?) Maybe you could set your timer and spend 15 minutes going through just one box.
Is there any type of item that it's easier for you to part with than others? We have an expression about "picking the low hanging fruit." For example, if it's easy for you to part with clothing, start there and get rid of any clothes that are stained, outdated, outgrown, etc.
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Post by pugglemum on May 27, 2019 19:07:38 GMT -5
In answer to your screen name amienough, yes, you are enough and you are worth it. Everyone on this board had to start somewhere. Try using lots of little tricks like: - working for 10 minutes (use a timer) and then admiring what you've done - do one thing, just one, then celebrate it with us (there's a thread for that...some one I know quite well started it - make a list of three things, and only three things that you want to accomplish...sometimes my first thing is *drink coffee. Finish those three tasks and come back to share your accomplishment. - take out one bag of trash - empty one box - clear one square foot of space. One square foot a day is seven square feet in a week - that's HUGE! - make a list of things, give each one a number, and then play bingo by drawing a number out of a hat and then doing that task. Make it fun. You CAN do it. You don't have to do it TODAY. Share your victories no matter how big or small and let us celebrate you...you ARE enough
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Post by joyinvirginia on May 27, 2019 19:31:48 GMT -5
Welcome! the frequent moves sound very stressful. It's good you have medical care and therapists. do you have trash to throw out? do you want to go thru all the boxes and get rid of them all? Is there a friend who could sit with you to try and go thru things to throw out? I'm going thru a big declutter now, and it always Makes me feel good to do the smallest room first, or just one closet, or even to clear out one drawer. then I can go admire that clear space! and it motivates me to do more.
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Post by SueDonym on May 27, 2019 20:43:15 GMT -5
I am glad you found us. I can relate to what you said about your home reflecting the chaos in your head. My home was definitely a manifestation of the depression and grief that had buried me. My greatest fear was that I would die in that mess, and people who cared about me would see my mess and have to clean it up.
I started small. I just made a promise to myself to spend 15 minutes a day cleaning something... ANYTHING, and to pick up at least one thing each time I got up off the couch, and either throw it away or find a "home" for it (as in, a place the thing should belong - a shelf, a drawer, a closet, etc).
After a while, as I started to see a change, I found myself ready to tackle more, and I chose to devote time to a certain space and finish it.
Just start. Small is fine, as long as you keep going in the right direction. (((((hugs)))))
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amienough
New Member
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 2
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Post by amienough on May 27, 2019 22:03:21 GMT -5
Thanks all, for the warm welcome and instant support. Whereas I do still have much unpacking to do, I've been in discard mode without a problem. However, unpacking is not in the forefront, as I first have find my house underneath the horrible mess that has poured over into every single room. To share the state of my house... when coming in through my back door, I call that area my back hall. My washer & dryer are there, as well as my litter boxes. And of course, laundry. The amount of laundry in the back hall is contained (a mess, though contained), as it is a mere fraction of heaps of laundry I have to do. I admit, I've often purchased additional towels, clothing, or whatever, as I have no idea where to even begin with laundry. I've done a minimal amount of laundry in the 3 years I've lived here- just what's needed to be done, to get buy. I have beautiful clothes that I would like to enjoy wearing... someday. Though I just keep wearing and washing the same few things. My landlord is responsible for paying the water bill. I can only imagine how miniscule mine is in comparison to the first floor tenant's. Because also, I can't tell you the last time I washed a dish or glass or pans and so on. Probably a month and a half or two. My sink is overflowing with dirty dishes, etc. (I do have a brand new dishwasher, even with a sanitizing cycle). There is "stuff" all over my kitchen counters. My stove is not useable as there are dirty dishes, pans, and miscellaneous other stuff on top of it. My table has stuff completely covering the top, and there are boxes pushed underneath it. My refrigerator has very little food for consumption in it. It does however, have food scraps or remains from whatever we've eaten. I started doing this within the last 6 months, I think. My logic behind it is to not have "garbage" in the kitchen wastebasket because even though there is a cover on it, my dogs have gotten into a few times. And for whatever reason, I don't want to put it outside in my trash receptacle until trash day. I have not put my trash nor recyclables out for the last 4 weeks. I did intend to this past week though, as I had actually put trash in the container. It was too heavy for my to cart to the curb, and my daughter left for the night before I remembered that I needed her to take care of it for me. I don't so much have physical limitations, though my driveway is slightly sloped going down to the sidewalk and the heavy bin will get ahead of me as I am not strong enough to keep control of it. As for trash, I had mentioned that I'd gotten a dumpster earlier this year. I had it from January through April. The owner of the company was kind enough to let me keep it all that time due to it being a less than busy time of the year for him. My daughter and I got rid of many black trash bags of clothing- probably about 15. That made a dent in all the clothing we still have, that needs to be sorted through and laundered. We have to sort through it, because there is new- what I refer to as "current" mixed in with other pieces that may or may not want to be kept. A lot of what we do have is not necessarily old because as I mentioned, I've bought new clothing because of this and also my daughter has gotten new clothing because she finally grew a "figure" and her size zeroes and ones no longer fit! Though when she's out of clean underwear... she's been known to at times head to Victoria Secret Pink and buy more. I have financial constraints, so she pays with her own money. I can't say, "she should not be spending her money for something like that when she doesn't need new undies"... she had a great teacher though- I'd be a hypocrite to even think of saying it to her. Getting back to my kitchen again... once you get from the back hall and enter the kitchen, the path is narrow. You can't even get to the kitchen sink. There are shopping bags and other miscellaneous and/or unknown stuff in front of it. The shopping bags contain all kinds of new not yet opened cleaning products, supplies, etc. Duplicates, triplicates, or more of what I already have under the kitchen and/or bathroom sinks or in the cabinets above my washer & dryer. I also have loads of laundry product- multiple jugs of Tide, boxes of Bounce, containers of Unstoppables, gallons of bleach, plus several different stain treatments and laundry "boosters" (like oxyclean). I buy the Tide/Bounce/Unstoppables when I can get them for cheap with sale/store coupon/manufacturer coupon. I stick only to these 3 brands though, so I know they are products I will use... when I someday am able to work on laundry. I have a "front door" in my kitchen, that leads out to the front hall (I am on the second floor) and there is a set of stairs leading down to the front door that takes you outside. There is stuff in front of the door inside my kitchen though. I know this is a safety hazard, and I think of that all the time- but do little about it. There's so much more to tell of just the kitchen alone, though I am feeling very tired just from having typed all this. I will add though, that there is trash all over the kitchen in addition to all the other "stuff".... on the counters, table, stove, floor. There is dirty laundry we walk on every day. There is dog urine and feces on the floors whether on a scarce piece of actual floor, or on top of trash on the floor. I have not been taking my 2 little dogs out properly- sometimes for 2 days in a row even. Inasmuch as I hate being in this house, at the same time, I have a difficult time leaving it. It is for the most part my depression and anxiety- though there also is a fear of being found out or "caught" or even a fear that there will be a fire or something, yet another way of being found out- in a very scary way. This just adds more anxiety. My landlord put up a nice cable run for my dogs (aka "my girls"). I have a nice yard for them, though don't like to leave them outside without me. They absolutely love to go on walks, I feel like such a horrible dog mom. In the last few weeks, I've not been feeding them on their regular schedule (cats too). I am not, not feeding them. I love them so much, and I can not believe that I am at a place such as this, when it comes to them. My pups each will be turning 11 this year, one cat is 16, another is 8 (got her from my mom when she came to live with us due to the progression of her dementia). There was a 2nd cat from my mom, though after I had to admit my mom to long term care at a nursing home, I did rehome one of the 2 cats of hers. I also have a 3 yr old cat that I call "the kitten". We actually have 2 floors, so that helps with having all these animals and not having them on top of each other or us all the time. Please know that my animals are all fully vetted and up to date on all vaccinations. I think the last thing I will add is that.... I am not opposed to getting a dumpster again if needed, though I don't really have any more "big" articles to put in one (I don't think, anyway). I can throw out stuff of most sorts, in my weekly trash. If I have excess trash to put out, I can buy trash bags from the city to put out alongside my trash container. Each bag will hold 3-4 white trash bags, which I find that I can put more trash in them that way, squishing the bags in. Filled black trash bags are not as conforming to being squished, and the city bags will hold 1 black bag plus one white bag. I can put as much trash in them as will fit and they can still be tied closed. And I can put out as many as I want each week. They are $35 for a roll of 10. I always have them on hand. I can't write anymore for now. It has tired me out. I do love how I get all my work/cleaning done in my head when I'm not at home, and get motivated to do it when I get back home. Though that never happens. Oh! I did get new kitty boxes and a new big bag of litter (plus I have an open bag with about a third left). I am going to take care of the kitty boxes tomorrow. The kitten has taken to peeing outside the box- can't blame her. This will be good for them. I wanted to take a shower today, although I could make my way to getting in the tub- there were no clean towels. Guess I should put that on my list of 3 for tomorrow! Kitty boxes, wash towels, and one more thing. And I do have a timer - I like the idea of using it! Looking forward to hearing from you all, and receiving whatever direction or direction to a forum you may offer to me. Nite!
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Post by SueDonym on May 27, 2019 22:27:08 GMT -5
I know many people would say not to do what I am doing, but I actually got a small storage unit for things I wanted to keep but wasn't ready to deal with yet. This includes clothes I might be able to wear someday, and clothes, sheets, and blankets that are perfectly good but need to be washed, and I don't have enough decluttered storage space to keep them even if I washed them! Being a mom of multiple cats, sometimes I came home from work exhausted (I also have an autoimmune condition, so fatigue is a big issue for me) and found that a cat had barfed on my bed, soaking the blanket and sheets. It was easier to buy a new blanket and sheets than deal with the laundry (30 min to run to the store and back vs 2 hours or more to wash and dry). I don't even know how many times I did this. I threw away the really gnarly ones, but I kept the best ones, and put them in storage until I am ready to deal. In the meantime, I am only keeping about 3 sets to rotate through. Laundry is a big obstacle for me, so giving myself permission to at least get them out of the way for now greatly reduced my stress in decluttering.
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Post by def6 on May 27, 2019 22:58:10 GMT -5
Yours is a very inspiring story amienough You are a survivor! Just as someone helps you with your meds...I think it would be useful to have someone help you with the housework. We have another member who has a cleaner help her while she works on decluttering. But, if a cleaner is cost prohibitive ,It is possible to get your place under control now that you have found a place that you like. I break it down to "what gets used the most" here , that is: dishes and laundry... with garbage and trash being a close third. So I unload the clean dishes(timing myself) then I have an empty dishwasher to place used dishes throughout the day...with nothing going in the sink. Laundry gets handled by doing 1 load per day (but you have to fold and put away.) All garbage is taken to the outside bin for trash pick up and that is when I throw out leftovers. All of these have to do with habits and timing of items that get used daily. As far as getting rooms under control. I started in the smallest room the hall bath. After removing everything...I cleaned and scrubbed my heart out then put back only the basics. It is easy to swipe it clean now..Daily. Getting rid of and having less things to move and clean around makes life easier on you. Right now my living room is the bare essentials: couch, loveseat 1 recliner coffee table , TV with a clock on the mantle. It stays clean because I can easily see the "extras" and remove them. This is probably too much for now... but I would really like to see you get a handle on things. Best of luck!!
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Post by larataylor on May 27, 2019 23:01:22 GMT -5
amienough - my dirty laundry used to pile up in heaps everywhere, and then I'd gather it into a mountain. A few times I went with my sister to the laundromat and we did all of it together. I had a washer & dryer at home, but it was a lot faster with two people and a lot of machines at once. Then I worked on reducing everyone's clothing so that the mountain couldn't get so big. The most important thing is to start, even if you start very small. Yay for the fresh litter boxes! I check my litter boxes several times a day, so it's always easy, and as not-gross as litter boxes can be. I reinforce the habit by telling myself how nice and easy it is every time!
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Post by maryaz on May 27, 2019 23:15:05 GMT -5
Welcome! You've found a great place! Perhaps you could start with one load of laundry, fill the dishwasher up with whatever is closest (use the pot scrubber cycle is they are real bad) and pick up trash. Could your daughter perhaps give you a hand with a few things?
Use your timer. I've found it very helpful to keep me focused, especially for tasks that aren't my favorites ;-) If you can physically and mentally, try doing three 15 min sessions, either in the same area or in 3 different areas, then set it for 15 min again and just sit down and relax.
You can do it. Just remember every little bit helps, every piece of trash, every bit of laundry, every dish washed will all add up.
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Post by joyinvirginia on May 28, 2019 0:03:20 GMT -5
Personally, the big black trash bags don't work for me because they are TOO big. I like the 13 gallon kitchen size bags, and I don't overstuff them. I also use small plastic grocery bags. Here is tough love from another animal lover: you gotta take care of those doggies! and if you find you cannot, please contact a rescue organization to rehome them. They must go out several times a day, they need fresh water and food. and if you cannot provide their care at this time, there is nothing wrong with saying "I am not able to care for pets at this time because of my medical condition." I'm in a rescue group and the have been many times we take in a foster dog because the owner can't afford pet care, or doesn't have time to spend with the animal, or had health issues and couldn't physically take care of the dogs. It happens, and rescue groups have seen it.
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Post by lucie on May 28, 2019 2:51:13 GMT -5
Welcome to the board, you will find a great help here. Regarding those unpacked boxes: are those boxes still the same that never got unpacked during your many moves? If so, they have not been opened in many years so it seems to me they do not contain anything you need, or like enough to get it out. Maybe you could grant yourself an amnesty and throw them out as they are, it would give you a boost, you would have more space to move around and less things to press on you. Amnesty is one of the greatest concepts of this board.
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