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Post by FukaiNoYami on Sept 4, 2019 19:53:18 GMT -5
Hello everyone.
I've been lurking for 7 years now, too ashamed to speak even here in this safe place, and too afraid of my natural foot-in-mouth disease (and warning, long-windedness!) alienating all the people here who have become so important to me. But for a long time I've wanted to say thank you. Thank you to everyone here so SO much for giving your time, energy and courageous honesty to help all of us who are desperately trying to fight our way out of this hell. I could not have survived the last 7 years without you.
I joined back in 2012, after a search for "no one lives like this" brought me to the original Squalor Survivors site. That desperate search was typed in from the midst of a ceiling-high pile of, as another member has so aptly put it, "things and stuff" with a sticky patina of grime covering nearly every surface... Much has happened since then and I live in a different house now, but predictably, I still sit in the midst of a massive pile of filth as I write this.
It's been said often here that "you are not your mess", but for as much as I've absorbed so many points of wisdom and clarity from the members here, I've never been able to internalize that. I feel absolutely certain that in my case - yes, I really AM my mess. I've relocated many times in my life, and everywhere I've lived, without exception, the Phantom FilthPig has followed me. No matter how vigilant I've been, or how long it took, everywhere I've ever lived has turned into an absolute dump. I finally have come to realize that it follows me everywhere because it IS me. I believe the environments we create tend to reflect our inner state of mind, and the filth, chaos and decay around me is the perfect 3-dimensional representation of the filth, chaos and decay in my heart and mind. All I have to do to get a perfect picture of my soul is look around me... and shudder. It's actually frightening, and it makes me afraid of myself, that I could actually live like this. That this is the real, core ME.
I hate it. I refuse to accept it. I may never win, but I will fight it, fight being this, to my very last day.
With the help of all that I've read here over the years, I am fighting it by learning to do things differently. The world outside my head doesn't experience what I'm thinking or feeling - it only experiences what I do. So what I really am is the things I do, and if I'm going to BE something different, I need to DO things differently. But without a roadmap from childhood of the proper way to maintain a home, that has been so hard to learn. This is what has made this forum such a lifeline for me, that everyone here is forging their own path through this and sharing all of the signposts along the way. When I'm lost I come here, and somehow every time I do, I end up getting up, taking a few steps, and arriving at "better".
Some of the greatest takeaways I've gained from reading here is that even if "perfect" is impossible, and "good enough" may still be so far away I couldn't see it with a telescope, "better" is always within arm's reach. "Better" is never farther away than picking up just one piece of trash and throwing it in the bin, or catching myself just one time before I drop it on the floor in the first place. And I've discovered the glory of "amnesty" - I whisper that word over and over like a buddhist mantra while I violate every obstructionist "rule" I've ever made for cleaning up. It's been a miracle. And the simple genius of BDG's "take something with you", converting my everyday movements through the house and yard to journeys home for countless displaced items. Most of my tools are still finding their way home this way. And the great truth of desqualoring (and all things in life, I'm discovering) - "Motivation Follows Action"! No matter how much I cannot believe in it at a given moment in time, if I've taken a leap of faith and taken action anyway, it has turned out to be true 100% of the time.
These things, this forum, all of the brave people here - all of this has kept me determined to live and to be something better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I'm so glad you're here.
P.S. I may not post often, but I promise not to be I will try not to be such a droning windbag when I do!
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Post by Arid on Sept 4, 2019 20:13:37 GMT -5
Windbag?!!!
I haven't read such lovely, lovely writing in YEARS!!
Please, please, please stay here. We need you just as much as you need us!
Arid
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Post by dtesposito on Sept 4, 2019 20:59:18 GMT -5
Hello FNY, I'm glad you're able to find a little encouragement here.
I finally have come to realize that it follows me everywhere because it IS me.
It follows you everywhere because it has become your deeply-ingrained habit--for whatever reason. Some habits take years and lots of hard work to change.
I hope you keep reading and posting, and making little improvements.
Diane
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Post by def6 on Sept 4, 2019 22:04:48 GMT -5
Hello FukaiNoYami It is a pleasure meeting you after 7years. You are on to something fantastic with your plan for making things "Better!" A Very inspirational concept! Best of luck to you.
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Post by larataylor on Sept 4, 2019 22:27:22 GMT -5
FukaiNoYami - thanks for posting something! It's wonderful to know that all our words and struggles are helping someone, even if we haven't heard from that someone. But it is lovely to hear from you, and I hope you post more often! Not wind-baggy at all! I enjoy long posts!
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Post by joyinvirginia on Sept 4, 2019 23:00:25 GMT -5
Hi FNY! So glad you posted! You can write as much or as little or as often or infrequently as you like!
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Post by Unswamping on Sept 4, 2019 23:19:47 GMT -5
FNY im glad you posted. Not wind baggy at all, i thought it was a terrific post.
You are not your mess. The mess follows you wherever you move because you are toting that baggage with you. You can decide that you dont want to schlep it around anymore. You can decide you dont want to live with it anymore. I moved 14 times in 13 years. Im a hoarder and a squalorer. Its hard when you move alot to sort through everything and find homes for things. You are settled now and hopefully you will stay there awhile. Ive been in my current home for 6 years and while its still hoarded and messy, its getting better. Not having to move every year has helped me alot. Being here on this forum and posting regularly has helped me alot. Baby steps! Progress not perfection! Motivation follows action! These are mantras i learned here and i repeat them daily. You can do this! You can learn how to clean your home and get rid of the excess. It wont happen overnight but it will happen.
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Post by peaceandfreedom on Sept 4, 2019 23:21:40 GMT -5
Welcome, FNY. You spoke so eloquently. It just lifted my heart to read it. Hope to hear from you again.
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Post by ohblondie on Sept 5, 2019 8:21:01 GMT -5
FukaiNoYami...everyone here has said such beautiful things (as did you) Your mess is NOT you - it is your baggage. So let's unpack those bags right now! so happy you are here and posting.
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Post by Tea on Sept 5, 2019 13:46:33 GMT -5
This was so important for me to read, FukaiNoYami! I'm so very, very glad you posted. 'Welcome' even though I know you feel at home here already.
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Post by FukaiNoYami on Sept 6, 2019 18:06:17 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for such a warm welcome! Even though I've been reading you for years, it's wonderful to finally "meet" you.
Even though I'm still very much in the thick of the battle and I don't yet see any light at the end of the tunnel, I hope I can give back to this community at least some of the strength and support I've gotten from being here. It feels good to take the leap, break my silence, and finally participate fully.
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Post by mylittlescholar on Sept 7, 2019 6:41:35 GMT -5
FukaiNoYami and gold stars for being brave an posting! I think you gave us all a big lift, so thank you back!
(do as infinity... beautiful...)
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Post by Unswamping on Sept 7, 2019 12:41:22 GMT -5
FukaiNoYami you may not see the light in the tunnel yet but it is there! Baby steps every day and then suddenly you turn a corner and see that little glimmer. Trust in it.
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