So... I got dumped and need motivation

[messyconfetti]

The main reason my boyfriend broke up with me is because I have PTSD, major depression and vagnismus, along with some other physical, mental and chronic pain problems and so I wasn't able to have sex on a regular basis. But he also said he couldn't take the way my apartment is anymore.

I was trying so hard to take out even small amounts of trash whenever I went anywhere, like some of you suggested. I just now got down on my hands and knees and cleaned my kitchen floor. I was watching some stuff I DVR'ed to try to distract myself, but I started watching the last episode of Hoarders and after I saw how Jake and his dad had trash everywhere, even on the stairs but then Jake's boyfriend came on, and I saw that Shirley was married and her husband tried to help her "Take care of" the cats by putting food out and stuff it just made me feel too sad to keep watching. I just don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to keep myself motivated, because most of my apartment is a level 2 and it doesn't bother me to have clothes or magazines on the floor. I don't care if it looks bad. I guess my boyfriend... well, ex... I can't even get used to saying it yet.. needs a lot more space to get around than I do because he's 6'2 and I'm 4'11. He always got water all over the bathroom because he'd walk out to dry off saying there wasn't enough room, but I always have enough room to get in and out of the bathroom and I have a lot of clear space on my living room and kitchen floor. I just feel like no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and he didn't notice the effort I was putting forth. He was really the only person who ever came over so I guess I don't even feel like I'm trying to impress anybody anymore.

I was already worried because it will be winter soon and my pain and stiffness get so much worse then, it's a good day if I actually get out of bed and go anywhere I am supposed to. So going down the stairs and across the parking lot to throw anything out or go to the laundry room seems insurmountable. I'm also upset because a couple of weeks ago I came on here and posted about how I hurt my trapezius muscle again severely. I went to an urgent care clinic and the nurse wanted me to get referred to a pain management center, but my doctor won't refer me. So I just feel like my pain will be standing in the way too, and I don't know what to do.

I also feel really *** after seeing what I did see of Shirley because I am so much younger than her and I do have good vision in both eyes.

Do any of you live in Indiana or know of any agencies that could help me without being judgemental? I want someone to help me clean without talking about filth or being like "OMG THAT IS SO NASTY HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY LIVE LIKE THAT?!"

[gettingsomewhere]

feeling very sad for you messyconffetti. and i am on the other side of the world so not able to assist you in actually getting this done. but i will be wishing you all the best and offering loads of encouragement.

i think it is really important though that you do this for you. because you deserve to live in a nice environment. not to impress anyone else. treat yourself as well as you would treat your ex. you are worth it.

[Meme]

I wish I did live close by but Canada is too far way for you and me but I will hold you in my heart and prayes--
do what you can to stay warm as that helps the pain-
do you have a heating blanket- I find it I warm up in mine that it is easier to do chores--
I am sorry that your SO choose to blame you for his decision and I still do not understand why if there is an SO or a spouse - why the work and responsibility is always expected from one and not the two-
We are not maids and there fore should have to toe some kind of line to keep a relationship and home squalor free-
gentle hugs - do what you can and each day things will come together and soon you will just have to maintain - it will happen is the fullness of time if you do not give up or give in---

[queencobweb]

Did he expect you to towel up the water he left? Grr. If he can't deal with your issues, then you don't want the stress of him in your life! Wash that man right out of your hair. He definiitely does not deserve you. You have enough to worry about without having to deal with him! Have you tried the Red Cross? I remember using their kind services when I was disabled for awhile (immobile due to leg injury).

[Peach]

I believe it takes a special man/woman to live with "us" and to be there while we move forward and work through our issues.

Consider yourself lucky that he left. He was not the right person for you. I know this is hard now but most of us have been there and done that. And, we are survivors. You are part of this group. Draw on our strength.

[AnnieOkie]

MessyConfetti-I'm so sorry your boyfriend saw fit to leave.

I remember reading your intro a while back. I wonder if there is any way for you to find a ground floor apartment at your complex that would make it easier for you to get in and out? You might talk to your apartment office and see if they could get the ball rolling on that. I hope that helps.

[breakingfree]

I am so sorry to hear about your breakup. My squalor contributed greatly toward my divorce. I wonder sometimes if I had desqualored while we were together if we would still be married. I admit that I put the man through a lot, and since we had children I still have pangs of guilt over the divorce and squalor. Then again, I sometimes wonder if other factors of our relationship contributed to the squalor (his cheating sure didn't help). The good news is, several years after the divorce, and after I have desqualored, I met a wonderful man. I was not looking. In fact I could care less. I was enjoying my life as it was, just me and my children (althogh the eldest was grown and moved away) and my kitty. What I am saying is this: Love yourself! Find yourself! Discover who you are! I know it sounds so trite and like something you would read in a magazine or hear from some self-help guru but it is so true. That is what happened to me. Once I re-discovered reading and writing and my art, once I grew happy sleeping in that bed by myself (or with my kitty), and once I had control of the remote and could watch Metal Mania on Saturday mornings if I wanted, it just happened.

You do NOT have to have a mate in your life for it to be full. Please give yourself time to heal, because although the person is not dead, the relationship is, and you need time to come to grips with it. And you will. Another great thing is that you are here! You have so many friends here. I do hope that some of the resources people have listed can help you. If I think of anything to add to the others' ideas I will post.

Please take care and God Bless,

BF

[lulu1949]

messy - i too have been dumped because i didn't keep my place "clean enough." what a blow to your self-esteem. i am so sorry that you have to go through this. we are here to help and encourage you. hugs to you !

[messyconfetti]

My grandmother did give me an electric blanket, and I know both it and the plug are in my room.

Did he expect you to towel up the water he left?

Pretty much. When I told him he was leaving water all over the floor he just said "I don't have anywhere to stand and dry off so what do you want me to do about it?" and I asked him why he couldn't just use paper towels and he would either say "Because we don't have any" or "Because they're in the kitchen." He also wouldn't bother to dry off between taking a shower and using the toilet and so I would always come in and find the toilet seat wet.

And also he would drink 2 liters of soda and then leave them on the counter or put them on the floor NEXT TO the trash bag, or when we ordered food he would just leave the boxes and wrappers all over the counter- thus just making more of a mess. I even asked him why he bitches at me but then he won't even put a bottle of soda IN THE TRASH BAG when it is right there and he said "I'm used to recycling plastic bottles." When I informed him that my counter and the floor are not recycling bins he would say "Yes they are." And when I Told him to stop making the mess worse he would say "Well I clean up after you and take the trash out and wash your dishes so I can make as much of a mess as I want."

The thing that pisses me off the most is this is MY apartment, not his. I let him live here for free since about November because he lost his trailer. He couldn't live in it because there was a leak and he ended up with a $1000 water bill, and he's on disability and can't pay it. He finally got his own place a couple of weeks ago, but then he came back to visit and was complaining. But you know what? I started a new job and had training every day from 5-10 pm. This happened at the worst possible time because I got diagnosed with a sinus infection the Thursday before that, and the antibiotics + the ultram they put me on for my shoulder were making me so nauseous I could barely eat anything. I already take an NSAID twice a day, which also makes me nauseous, and I have acid reflux and IBS which ALSO make me nauseous. I had to leave work early on Tuesday and then it wasn't until Thursday that my doctor called me in some anti-nausea medicine.

On Saturday my boyfriend said he wasn't coming over until late and then he shows up at 4 PM and wonders why I'm not hyper and jumping all over him to have sex and watch TV and "Eat something" (Translation: Order out which I have to pay for- and then he complained about what I wanted to get because he said he'd been eating chicken and turkey all week and he wanted Chinese food. But did anyone notice I just said I have IBS? Chinese food has so much sodium it makes me bloated as hell so no thank you. )

once I had control of the remote and could watch Metal Mania on Saturday mornings if I wanted, it just happened.

That's what I was taking advantage of last night. My boyfriend hates everything I like to watch because he says it's "Too depressing" so that's why I did get to watch some episodes of Intervention I had DVR'ed. Now I can also watch things like Real Chance of Love and not have to keep pausing because I cant hear anything over him bitching about how stupid it is and how much reality shows are stupid and suck. I'm not watching them for their educational value. I watch a lot of "mindless" things because I have PTSD and it's become a fad for people to joke about rape and blame the victims. I can't even watch Family Guy, South Park or several other shows because they got so over the top and Family Guy started doing it every episode. And I don't see why he is bitching about stupid things anyway because I'm the one that graduated from college and he got a GED. I'm not insulting anybody who has a GED or anything but I'm just saying, why should he call me stupid because I watch things that are considered trashy so I could have something to laugh at? Why should he say "Why do you want this stupidity in your life that irritates me?" because I read Star and US Weekly? I also subscribe to Newsweek. I'm not an idiot just because I have a side of me where I want to be able to relax and laugh and forget about my problems, and that's the only way I can.

Thanks for the Red Cross suggestion. I didn't know they could help people with things like that so I'll call them.

When I moved here, the only apartment available was on the second floor and right now I'm afraid to move because of how strict my apartment complex is on cleanliness. The maintenance people exaggerated the condition of my apartment saying there was "Filth and trash everywhere" when they hadn't even been in every room, and they said there were dead bugs when there weren't any (much less live ones.) My friend and I even went to the leasing office but the manager just kept saying "I don't care, keep it clean EVERY DAY" and she said "Yeah well he said there were bags of chips on the floor." and things like that- just nitpicking any little thing. And they kind of work against you- they say you can't put your trash bags outside your apartment, if you do get recycle bins you can't leave them outside except for the one day a month that the recycling people come, and then there's the location of the laundry room and dumpsters. Even if I didn't have to go down the stairs (which as of right now isn't that big of a problem since I got a knee strap to take some of the pressure off my kneecap) I still have to get across a HUGE parking lot and go up a hill. My apartment complex has 26 buildings so I'm sure you can imagine the distance that is. But if you can't leave it outside your apartment and you don't feel like walking over there then where are you supposed to put it?

And I feel like it's not fair because some of my downstairs neighbors leave trash outside the apartment all the time and nobody says anything to them about it. They even had a rotten jack-o-lantern and it was still there on Valentine's Day and had been out there so long that it was disintegrating and the seeds were all over the sidewalk.

[breakingfree]

That's it, Girl! Get it all out!!! See, it wasn't all roses, now was it? You are seeing the true picture. It is surprising how much or ourselves we can lose when we are in a relationship. My ex and I disagreed on everything--I love football (NCAA and NFL) and he hates it. He was all into the outdoors and hunting, and he took advantage of every season, so he was gone a lot. My current SO and I, on the other hand, like most of the same things. We watch football all weekend and go to the games together (even some out-of-town ones). We both love Hell's Kitchen (I don't cook but it is fascinating to watch). And now, if I do happen to want to watch something he doesn't, he will either go upstairs or I will. Oh, and I see you like the "smut" mags too. I buy them and SO shakes his head but I don't care. I am not ever going to try to be someone else FOR someone else. The only true opposite I have with SO is a good one--he is organized!!! And he has helped me so much. So, the saying is true, opposites do attract, but you just can't be TOTAL opposites.

You seem to have a very kind heart and truly wanted to help him during his tough time--so, IMHO, he should be ready to help you during yours. Speaking from experience, asking someone to live in squalor/hoarding is asking a lot. It appears, though, that you have a lot of physical limitations. He could have hauled the trash to the dumpster for you!!! He could have cooked dinner for you or helped you cook. Believe it or not, there ARE men out there that do not feel that cooking and cleaning is "women's work." I help SO in the yard (with the flower beds) and he helps me indoors. Since you were living in an apartment then you were in combined living space so he should have helped you!!! I am outraged on your behalf!

I'm glad you are at the "pizzed off" stage. Once you get there you are well on your way. BUT, please don't dwell on the anger for too long. Experience it, then don't give him any more of your precious time. You've got LIFE and FUN to experience.

You can make it through this. Remember, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!

Hugs,

BF

[wendy]

Dear Messyconfetti,

Hang in there! You are obviously SO much better off without this guy! Take the cleaning in baby steps, rest often, and use that electric blanket. Consider driving your trash to the dumpster and your laundry closer to the laundry room. Also, if money allows, hire a cleaning service to do things you find painful, or to get a particular room cleaned up thoroughly-- I have done this several times, and never felt like anyone was judging me (I told them about my physical limitations). Also, make a point of going out as often as possible and doing something you enjoy, even if it's only for half an hour. You CAN do this! Take care of yourself, we are all rooting for you!

Wendy

[WestsideStory]

Dear Confetti:

I, too, had a boyfriend who couldn't stand the state of my house. This was one, but not the only, reason why he broke up.

I ALSO tried to help out a boyfriend (different one) by letting him move in when he needed a place to stay. He proceeded to NOT contribute his share of expenses, etc., on a regular basis.

I am happy you've found us and are sharing.

I generally don't go to the General Boards -- trying to limit the hours I spend on line -- but will check back in a bit to see how things are going for you.

I live on the westcoast. If you're looking for someone in your home state you might try posting a separate message saying "Live in or near Indiana???" As this forum grows, not everyone reads every message in every thread.

A person in my church hired a high school student to help her with her clutter issues -- paid her $10 an hour. I also know some fit senior citizens who supplement their income by doing chores and errands for some people. Finances are tight for many of us, but maybe you could pay a student, neighbor, etc. to help with the laundry and recycling.

(((hugs)))

WestsideStory

[yearning4order]

Let's put this in perspective. And I'll warn you, I'm going to project all over this! So just laugh at me while you read it!

You didn't get dumped. You developed a backbone. I know, I know, you're 24 and it's lonely, but better that you figure out now he's a leeching jerk. Yeah I know, he had so much "potential", and he was a convenient footwarmer, and it gets scary to think we might be alone for the rest of our lives--but honestly, as someone with a broken picker, and a somewhat similar background to yours (PTSD, abuse background, digging out from squalor, etc.) it's much easier to figure this stuff out early than to waste time. OR worse yet, to get married unhappily.

I can tell you with certainty, no, it's not better to be with someone, anyone than to be alone. Tried that, it was awful. It's much, much better being alone!

My ex used to do the same thing--complain about my squalor and then do "fun things" like every time he would empty the dishwasher he would put things in a new place. Constantly moving the furniture, my books, my magazines (I had this great shelf of magazines which for whatever reason he despised, so he dumped them on a shelf someplace else and wondered why I was unhappy). Before cassette tapes became totally obsolete, he decided to record news covereage of the WTO protests in Seattle over my GRATEFUL DEAD BOOTLEGS. He didn't ask, he just did it. He would come in the door after work and take of his clothes beginning at the door, walking through the house to the shower, leaving the clothes on the floor.

I also have PTSD and when we first started dating he had this whole thing with "accidentally" hurting me. I mean really hurting me. At first I would calmly ask him to not do that (whatever that was at the time) again. Then I got more forceful. Finally it seemed to be a pattern, he couldn't see how strongly this tipped me over so I told him if he did it again, I was going to slug him as hard as I could. He "hurt" me twice after that, and never again.

And recycling? He would use items in cans, bottles, etc and then leave them on the counter. I would throw them away. He would go ballistic and get upset that I didn't recycle them for him. I told him, "When I generate recycleables, I put them in the recycling right away. If you want to recycle the stuff you end up, you'd better do it, because if you leave it on the counter, I'm throwing it away." To the day he left, he never got this.

Oh and if your guy comes back for "just one more visit"? Don't let him in the house. When my ex did that he came in, I had cleaned the kitchen very nicely that weekend. He saw the fresh eggs from the hen house and said, "I haven't had breakfast yet, do you mind if I make myself some eggs?" I didn't want to seem 'rude', so I let him--and he left a mess in the kitchen. This so depressed me I couldn't clean the house again for a long, long time.

LOL sorry to vent like this. We fall in love with potential, we think we aren't worthy of something better and get desperate, we think we can "handle" the flaws that will later turn out to be the deal breakers in a relationship.

If you are taking a break from cleaning right now to grieve your loss, and the many real struggles you are dealing with, so be it. But RAWR honey, clean your house in little bits if you need to, but because you are learning to do it for you. Personally, it seems like you have great stuff to work on within you, PTSD, depression, etc. I think there is a lot of pressure at your age to be in relationship, be looking for "that guy". Maybe look for you first, and then "that guy" will become easier to find?

[Chris]

Sept 8, 2009 23:34:41 GMT -5 gettingsomewhere said:

i think it is really important though that you do this for you. because you deserve to live in a nice environment. not to impress anyone else. treat yourself as well as you would treat your ex. you are worth it.

This is exactly what I was thinking too. You deserve a nice environment --- you are as important as anyone! I think so often though, we will only do for others -- I see that in myself sometimes as well.

It truly sounds like your ex was contributing to the mess not making it better.

I hope you will move forward with cleaning the best you can FOR YOURSELF. You've gotten a of good responses. Here is a hug and best wishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!