Originally posted on SS on 2/23/2008 (I didn’t feel like writing the whole thing again. Don’t worry. This is the only stuff I am going to copy directly from past SS posts. Everything from here on out will be new. Cut and paste is my friend!) …… 
I am a 37 year old woman living in California with my fiancé’, one dog and four cats. We rent a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment.
A few months ago, my apartment managers threatened to do an inspection (of all the units in the complex, for unknown reasons) and I went into mess-panic AGAIN. My fiancé’ and I have been working slowly and steadily on decluttering over the past few months, but we had a long way to go before our place could be seen. My guy was out of town, so I had to start the “big cleaning of madness” by myself. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to do enough or work hard enough (I have health issues which seem to get in the way of life). I had to go it alone for 4 days, then my guy would be back and we would have another 2 days working on it together.
This was it. The fear, the shame. I was so stressed. And so freaking tired! Because of my clutter, I worked non-stop for 6 days, getting only a few hours of sleep a day. This is what I did to myself with the choices I’d been making.
I had to use everything Fly Lady and Squalor Survivors had taught me, ASAP! I took things by section. I tried to see the mess piece by piece instead of a huge overwhelming task. I literally had to pick up one piece of paper at a time, or one single dish, and ONLY deal with THAT SINGLE ONE THING so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed.
The end of the story is a happy one. Ironically, the managers decided NOT to inspect our apartment, even though they inspected everyone else’s. But, I had made appointments with apartment maintenance (to fix some things I had been putting off fixing due to the mess) and Comcast phone, so I could get everyone done on the same day. We cleaned our booties off and got enough done to look like we are just a bit cluttery (some cardboard boxes in a stack that we still have to go through). We finished the hot spots (coffee table, kitchen and bathroom) and also finished the master bedroom.
We feel proud and accomplished, and also surprisingly a little shocked and anxious by all the clean space. I am sure that after living in such a negative space for so long, we will go through mental and emotional adjustment.
I’ve noticed that I feel lighter and more positive now. I’ve noticed that I have to slow myself down and take a few minutes here and there throughout the day to straighten up after myself, but when I do so, I feel good. I’ve realized that my apartment is more clean than messy now. I’ve noticed that instead of the mess holding me back from cleaning anything, the cleanliness is inspiring me to want to clean and organize even more (I actually feel excited about the idea of cleaning out the master bedroom closet and organizing it!). I realized how much emotional attachment I have to material things (usable things and junk) and have allowed myself to throw away or donate a lot of stuff and finally say goodbye to them. In doing this, I have been able to process some of my past and say goodbye to it (finally!). In the last week, I have had 2 friends over (who had never been in the apartment in the 3 years I’ve lived here). I’ve told my fiancé’ that although the apartment isn’t exactly how I want it (which is “perfect”…darn the perfectionism!), he is now allowed to invite some of his friends over to hang out. I’ve avoided being social for so long due to the shame I felt. Now I can open myself up again and see how that feels.
I find it interesting that having a peaceful place started to seem possible after my guy and I decided about 4 weeks ago to start taking care of our health. I know that the internal self and external self are intertwined, but now I’ve lived that principal and find it to be personally true. We decided we deserve to live life and feel peace, joy, happiness and contentment. Our energy has increased, our depression decreased and then we started cleaning.
It is a beautiful thing to travel in an upward spiral instead of a downward one.
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Update: Originally posted on SS on 4/5/2008We are both doing well with the cleaner space. It just took some getting used to.
I was used to having a bunch of clutter all around me. It was easy to focus on that and then let voice that keeps me stuck get loud inside my head. It made me feel insulated somehow, which in my head meant that I was "safe".
I've been working very hard not to just clean my space, but to clean my mind. I am trying to make new associations with cleanliness and clutter, talk out my emotions slowly with myself, be aware of my thoughts and fears, be gentle with myself during all of these changes, etc.
I now feel a bit uncomfortable when I see things not put away, or if I don't keep the dishes under control every day. I've made sure to take some time every day to straighten, so I never have to do that "panic clean" thing again.
I am happy to report I've allowed myself to be a work-in-progress, kept up with what I've done so far, AND have had friends over 6 times since I've started this new life. And even though the apartment isn't exactly what I want it to be yet, I've been able to enjoy their company without apologizing or feeling shame.
It's been nice and I can tell that change is really taking hold this time. I don't know what makes it different this time around, but I am grateful that it is.
