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Post by ghettofabulous on Mar 24, 2010 12:05:28 GMT -5
Hello to all,
I first joined this forum about 2 years ago after a sleepless night scouring the internet with keyphrases like "Why am I such a slob" and "What in God's name is wrong with me??"
As if the internet was some big fortune cookie that would crack open and magically reveal the answer. Well, that night it did. It really did.
For the first time I saw others who were living like me, buried in junk, filth, and forgotten treasures. I cried big hot crocodile tears reading the posts, I also laughed so hard that soda came out of my nose. It was the night I discovered I wasn't alone.
I was living in third degree squalor, and that night I could actually SEE it, for the first time in forever. I thought I was the only person who hid when someone knocked at the door.
I started to desqualor, with the help and support of the wonderful people here, and managed to reclaim my main living area, which I have been able to more or less maintain these past 2 years.
I'm not sure why I drifted away from the forum. I'm not sure why I do a lot of things. But I never forgot the people here, I thought about everybody with great regularity, as I continued my own personal struggle with squalor.
I'll never be "cured." I still have an entire second house packed to the brim with stuff, things I couldn't bear to part with during the first purging. I'm getting ready to tackle that project this year, spring is in the air, and I feel I may finally be ready.
I suppose like many of us, I've been watching these shows on tv like How Clean is Your house, Clean house and most recently, Hoarders. I resisted watching Hoarders for a while, the Clean House shows are a little more lighthearted, with amusing characters, and funny, uplifting moments. I love those shows.
Hoarders, on the other hand, is a little more grim to me. Of course, in my typical manic fashion, I couldn't watch just one show. Once I saw one, I had to stay up all night and watch the entire season On Demand.
As I sat there, shuffling papers on my cluttered desk to find my mouse, I started seeing it again. The end table next to my computer to handle the overflow from my cluttered desk, and the rocking chair next to that piled high, with a bedroom slipper jammed under the chair runner to keep it from tilting forward spilling junk.
Looking up on top of my computer armoire, I see the return of the Bucket Brigade, a series of containers with misc small items, clips, pens, nail clippers, hardware, etc. To my right, the top of my china closet festooned with empty cans on the way to the recycle bin (attractive) and some plastic bags with mystery papers inside. In the kitchen, dishwasher empty, but dirty dishes in a few piles with unidentifiable grot in the dishdrain.
So, watching Hoarders, there it was, I could see it again, solid Level 1 teetering toward Level 2. Like weeds slowly overtaking a garden, or lost pounds slowly creeping back onto the hips, there was my squalor, peering at me around the corner, saying "Hello! Mind if I join you?"
Actually, yes I do mind. I don't want to be like Ebenezer Scrooge getting visited by the ghosts of Squalor Past, Present and Future. And it is like a ghost, or perhaps, rather like a haunting, always present, always the uneasy feeling that it will reappear, as it has done, right under my nose.
So I will begin again. I will start today, I will begin in threes, and I will forgive myself. Looking back is painful for me, but I will look back and I will remember. I will look forward and I will anticipate. I will look at the here and now, and I will act.
Thank you for listening, and I look forward to getting to know all of you, again.
GhettoFabulous
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Post by eaglesflight on Mar 24, 2010 14:21:18 GMT -5
Your post was very moving and insightful. I have recently returned after a hiatus myself. Hopefully we can all continue to grow together.
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Post by momof3boys on Mar 24, 2010 15:10:55 GMT -5
Welcome back!
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Post by messymimi on Mar 24, 2010 15:41:24 GMT -5
It's good to have you back.
messymimi
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Post by yearning4order on Mar 24, 2010 16:03:37 GMT -5
Welcome back!
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Post by Rory on Mar 24, 2010 16:06:50 GMT -5
Welcome back I spent over a year away.
Rory
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Post by Arid on Mar 24, 2010 21:40:26 GMT -5
Wow!!!
I LOVE what you said!!!
Look back--remember Look forward--anticipate Here and now--ACT!!!
Thank you so much for those very, very wise words!!
Arid
P.S. Welcome back!!! A.
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Post by ghettofabulous on Mar 25, 2010 10:35:09 GMT -5
Thank you all for the warm welcome back. It's great to be in a place of such unconditional acceptance!
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Post by notsomessyshell on Mar 25, 2010 12:23:49 GMT -5
Welcome back! Your post made me laugh. The ghosts of squalor past, present and future. No one else would get that but us wonderful SOOS folks. I look forward to reading your posts.
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Post by howardsgirlfriend on Mar 26, 2010 11:22:10 GMT -5
Nice to meet you! You're very elloquent.
Just wanted to share that when you start working on the 2nd house, you might feel as if you've had a setback. I felt that way aftere I emptied my storage locker last year. Took me a couple of months to realize why I felt that way, and remind myself that emptying the locker was a step forward, not backward.
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Post by ghettofabulous on Mar 26, 2010 12:33:45 GMT -5
Hi Howardsgirlfriend!
Nice to meet you too, and thank you very much for sharing your story about the storage locker. I think doing this house, which is actually a cabin, is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I know for a fact it will evoke a firestorm of emotions for me, and I know I will need lots of support to get through it.
This cabin sits right on the road, and I've actually had 5 different people ask me if they could "go in and poke around sometime" to see what I have, as maybe they would want to buy something. As if I have some kind of antiques barn. I have all kinds of wierd stuff in there, and the reaction I have to this question is one of fear, anger, defensiveness, and protectiveness. I know they don't ask to be mean, but it feels like a terribly invasive question, as I'm sure only people here can understand.
I'm afraid when I start clearing this out, I'll have people lurking around, and I need to develop some kind of response that will make them go away (without being offended) and not give me that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to recoil and just shut the door and not deal with it. I'm afraid I'll be in there crying over some past memory, and my neighbors will pop their heads in, Helloooo?? Then they will think I'm an even bigger mental patient.
Just thinking about it is getting me riled up! See how the thought process starts? I haven't even started, but I'm already playing out in my mind ficticious conversations, scenarios, conclusions.
I'm such a private person, and this is going to feel like pulling my pants down on the freeway.
GhettoFabulous
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Post by notsomessyshell on Mar 26, 2010 12:39:45 GMT -5
I wish we could all come over and be your live fence to keep lookyloos out! I will think over the way to respond to these type people. Perhaps saying "I am sorry as you can see I am in the middle of something. Another time please". They should get the message, especially if you turn your back to them, effectively dismissing them. Not being rude, but being firm about the fact this is not the time for them to be in your stuff or business.
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kobwebs
New Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 14
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Post by kobwebs on Apr 9, 2010 1:50:38 GMT -5
Welcome back I also have been away a while. But unlike you, I barely ever got started on the big desqualorization of this shack. About your cabin and all the looky-loos ~ would it be possible for you to make up some wonderful story about your old decrepit spinster aunt or some other relation who was very eccentric and died leaving you to clean up all her worldly possessions...? That would remove the fear of any sort of personal judgment by these people. You could invent all kinds of crazy reasons why they can't look too... Since you've already done the hard work of cleaning up one place, you have that first success to give you courage and confidence in tackling the other place as well. I know you can do it!
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Post by def6 on Apr 9, 2010 14:00:14 GMT -5
We welcome you back like you have been here always.
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Post by CaringFriend on Apr 9, 2010 15:46:32 GMT -5
This cabin sits right on the road, and I've actually had 5 different people ask me if they could "go in and poke around sometime" to see what I have, as maybe they would want to buy something. As if I have some kind of antiques barn. How about these responses? 1. Give a little laugh at first, then say, "Oh my! Did you think this was a shop? Sorry to disappoint you!" 2. If they say, no they didn't think it was a shop, they just wanted to see the inside of your cabin because it looks so interesting, you can reply, "I don't allow strangers in my home, I'm sure you understand." Those 2 replies should pretty much cover every scenario. Off topic: I, too, enjoyed reading your writings. That's one thing I noticed about this site from the first visit.........the majority of the folks here have a high level of creative writing skills! I have often wondered what the connection is. Does it have anything to do with the creative thought process behind keeping nondescript containers, remnants, bits, and pieces because "I can do xyz with it some day."
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