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Post by lesaulerouge on Dec 11, 2014 2:43:59 GMT -5
Golf balls had us laughing yesterday.
A bit of a lost in translation thing here, a label that came with my snowboarding gloves, describing the properties of their wrist cuff gaiter bit: 'break wind where it counts'.
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Post by messymimi on Dec 11, 2014 7:56:03 GMT -5
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass." ~ David Lee Roth
"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron." ~ Phyllis Diller
messymimi
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 12, 2014 0:48:58 GMT -5
Golf balls had us laughing yesterday. A bit of a lost in translation thing here, a label that came with my snowboarding gloves, describing the properties of their wrist cuff gaiter bit: 'break wind where it counts'. lesaulerouge, it's always good when golf balls can make one laugh as opposed to making one scream profanities that can be heard all over the golf course. "Break wind where it counts"...Well, I've never thought about it that way, but I suppose there are definitely a few times you could really make it count, right?
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Post by disorganizeddragon on Dec 12, 2014 1:22:16 GMT -5
"Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for--looking up exes to see how fat they got?"--Bill Maher
"I have a little Christmas tradition I like to keep: Every year I knock over the tree and smash all the ornaments just to see the look on the cat's face when she realizes I beat her to it."--Maxine
"Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?"--Katherine Whitehorn
"Multitasking means screwing up several things at once."--Unknown
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Post by messymimi on Dec 12, 2014 11:11:49 GMT -5
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime." ~ Red Skelton
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 13, 2014 13:58:18 GMT -5
"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think." ~ Milton Berle
"A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children." ~ David Brenner
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 14, 2014 9:07:07 GMT -5
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." ~ Jack Benny
"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair." ~ Hillary Clinton
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 15, 2014 7:06:48 GMT -5
Dragon, i know you've got that wonderful Crisis for Christmas going, so i'll try to cheer you up some. A lot of these are funny even if you've heard them before.
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." ~Mike Myers
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me." ~ Stephen Fry
"Never have more children than you have car windows." ~ Erma Bombeck
"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out." ~ Phyllis Diller
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 16, 2014 9:54:56 GMT -5
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl." ~ Dave Barry
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven." ~ Spike Milligan
"Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard." ~ Andy Borowitz
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 17, 2014 13:22:45 GMT -5
Q. Why is Christmas like a day at the office? A. Because you do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
On St. Patricks Day I to pretend to be Irish. At Christmas I pretend to be good. ~ Anon.
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." ~ Victor Borge
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 18, 2014 8:13:42 GMT -5
"Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf." ~ Lewis Mumford
Q.What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?? A.He got 25 days!
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 19, 2014 10:30:48 GMT -5
"Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine." ~ Christopher Plummer
"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love." ~ Joe E. Lewis
"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host." ~ David Letterman
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” ~ Garrison Keillor
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 20, 2014 6:40:31 GMT -5
"Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube." ~ Joan Rivers
"One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute." ~ William Feather
"Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer….and my alarm clock is the police." ~ Anon.
“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” ~ Dave Barry
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 21, 2014 9:15:07 GMT -5
Solstice quotes.
For the Northern Hemisphere:
"My standards are dropping as quickly as the temperature!" ~ Anon. (mimi note: that's also true the closer it gets to the deadline of Christmas Day!)
"I'm staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating!" ~ Anon.
For the Southern Hemisphere:
"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you” ~ Erma Bombeck
“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ~ Steven Wright
Christmas quotes:
"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases." ~ Bridger Winegar
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." ~ Johnny Carson
"I don’t mind fruitcakes. They’re the one thing during the holidays I’m not tempted to eat." ~ Melanie White
messymimi
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Post by messymimi on Dec 22, 2014 9:28:26 GMT -5
“‘One can never have enough socks,’” said Dumbledore. “‘Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.’” ~ J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” ~ Phyllis Diller
“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
messymimi
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