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Post by Chris on Apr 18, 2010 7:15:23 GMT -5
Diane -- what a great list! 2A/not remembering or being able to find items -- WOW can I relate to that. It is amazing to me NOW how much easier it it is do things because MOST of my stuff has a "home" so I can find things easier. I can still remember the days when we'd have to run out and buy yet another pair of scissors.......... Just this month I realized I'm now so much more comfortable when family members come over for a meal -- I really am confident that things are decent and that is a big change.
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Post by Script on Apr 18, 2010 9:17:07 GMT -5
I paid my brother $200 to take about 700 books to GoodWill. I got rid of ALL the working papers ... from writing projects: thousands of sheets. Likewise I got rid of 25 years accumulation of unfiled useless sheet music. It took me 2 rounds of recycling just for the music. The work noted above was done in 2004-5. In what used to be a junked-up-useless-badly-designed-basement-room. In 2009 Mr. Hunk put down new flooring. We re-arranged all the furniture; got rid of even more stuff; re-purposed furniture. Made a CRAFT ROOM for me! I love this little sacred space!!!! I will now tell you what MAINTENANCE means. *my best friend from music died last month. In the hospital palliative care, she told her family to ask me to supervise the distribution of her music. *her husband [age 80+] did NOT want me to come to the house to start separating the music, as 'it was a mess'. *he brought over a huge pile of bags. I allowed this 'invasion of my space', as my final gift to my friend. *My DearHubby and I carried the bags.....into the craft room. Piled at one end. *almost immediately, I sent e-mails to various interested people. "There is music available from our friend's library." This same e-mail was further forwarded to others. Someone is coming over this Thursday to start 'looking'. Others to follow Here is what maintenance means: the pile of music bags now BOTHERS ME. The former mess never did. I have unfinished craft projects: I am working to get them out of the way to reduce the visual clutter. I didn't even understand 'visual clutter' in the bad old days. I have set myself a time limit: end of June. Anything not distributed by then goes in my RECYCLE BIN.I will not allow myself to be put upon....past a certain limite.furthermore: one of the professionals contacted about the music turned it down point blank. "Not very useful." Some of the photocopies and orginals are ancient: very poor editions. Photocopies are illegal anyway. This music was important to my friend. It is UNLIKELY that all of it will find a happy home. For sure, some will have to be discarded. This is life. Understanding this sad fact is part of MAINTENANCE.
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Post by moggyfan on Apr 18, 2010 11:32:04 GMT -5
Okay, I've been delaying because this is sort of long but here goes:
I have always been a messy person. After my parents died in the mid-1980's I moved WAY too much of their stuff into my apartment and that's when the true descent into squalor accelerated, because there was now SO MUCH STUFF I could not really move it or clean it and so I just gave up. I made periodic stabs at panic surface cleaning when I knew someone HAD to come in here, but those got fewer and harder as the years rolled on.
It seems weird because in every other aspect of my life, I was doing fine--work, going back to school myself, relationships, social life, volunteering, etc.
But the house just never was the priority. Around Christmas of 2004, for reasons unknown, I just could not stand the huge mountains of dirty laundry or the archeological digs in the closet. So over the school holidays, I bagged up and donated or tossed more stuff than I could ever have imagined. I did dozens and dozens of loads of wash, and by the time I went back to work, the laundry had been tamed to normal levels and the closets were usable and contained only what I actually wore.
Then nothing more happened till the fall of 2005. I did, however, maintain the progress I had made with the laundry & closets. Again, I am not sure what prompted it, but by that fall I knew I just could not live this way any longer. Somehow, I think getting control of one area made me believe I could do it all.
I hired a woman from craigslist to help me all day on a Saturday and Sunday in October, and it was unbelievable how much we got done in 2 days: HUGE discarding, and major reorganizing of stuff into "like groupings" (for example, she put all the "office supply" stuff in one spot, something it had never really occurred to me to do).
She came back a time or two and worked on a major cleaning of the kitchen and bathroom. By the end of 2005, things were 1000% better and I was no longer humiliated to have people over.
Over the course of the next year, I continued to work on desqualoring most weekends, a drawer or cupboard at a time, discarding, discarding, discarding and organizing, organizing, organizing. I got rid of excess furniture AND of damaged furniture. I spent a fair amount of money on new furniture, art, rugs, curtains, etc. I hired my godson to paint every room. We also fixed a lot of minor problems.
My home began to look not only "not-squalorish" but actually attractively decorated. I started to entertain more, have people over on the spur of the moment, and (most important) truly enjoy coming home at the end of the day.
I have been in maintenance for more than 4 years with no backsliding at all. I honestly feel pretty confident that, barring unforeseen disaster, I won't ever live in squalor again.
The other thing I would add is that cleaning up the house coincided with becoming much more responsible about finances. I was never in a financial state where I couldn't pay my bills, but I procrastinated terribly and lost things in the mess all the time so I ended up paying late fees all the time. Being out of squalor has saved me a ton of money.
So there you go--moggyfan's little tale of triumph over The Stuff.
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
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Post by hopehope on Apr 18, 2010 17:28:09 GMT -5
I can't give you the whole tale -- and I surely haven't "done it" all -- but --
in a crisis, my friend showed up from Canada, and helped me over the hump I couldn't do myself. One of the things was the bathroom -- which was, um, piled way high. chaotically. I'm not going to describe it any further.
he set me to do it, then said, I see how long you're going to take -- replaced me -- and -- emptied it out.
I don't know all that he tossed. i don't think about it.
I had a diego rivera poster on the wall -- it's still there. I had a great clear shower curtain, with textured bumps. I cleaned it in the tub with dishwashing liquid and vinegar.
I had some terrific large vintage blue seltzer bottles on the high shelf. they're still there.
I had organized masses of makeup into containers, etc. long before. I have added to it since, subtracted a bit. it's still there, but so "a place for everything"-ish that it's fine.
I added flowers.
It's still lovely.
ps the nhat hanh poem I put on Blog once is framed, on the wall. and cg threw out my beloved matisse ink drawing of a nude. oh well.
I know I started this thread, and this isn't exactly what I had in mind (more like mf's et al.) -- but -- it's today's offering. maybe I will be able to do more soon.
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Post by breakingfree on Apr 19, 2010 10:08:38 GMT -5
Oh, wow, it was a long process. My mother was/is a hoarder and still hoards. And guess what? I grew up with hoarding tendencies. OK...I hoarded. I kept everything if it had any sort of meaning. I had tons and tons and tons of books and magazines. I never really learned to clean and didn't have a system. Add in the factor that my ex-husband was a slob and it got to the point of my saying, "Why should I bother?" Plus, it was pretty difficult to clean with all that stuff. While my ex-husband and I had a lot of problems (one of which was getting together at too young an age and become parents before we were out of our teens) the hoarding/squalor contributed quite a bit. I look back and wonder that he didn't just pack up all the stuff and pitch it (we lived in a home owned by his family). I have learned now that my stuff was an encroachment on his space. But, it wasn't all about stuff--there was the squalor too.
After I moved out on my own, my townhome became squalorous. My son wanted to stay at his dad's a lot (who could blame him). What I swore I would never do to my children I ended up doing to mine. So, I started desqualoring. At first I began very slowly--again because I had such an attachment to stuff. Like, "Oh, I wore that top on my very first date." I decided to keep a trunk with teenage-type memorabilia in it (high-school annuals, some old notes, old (vintage) concert shirts) and the rest went. I got rid of books--tons of them. I went from several bookcases (and additional boxes) to two shelves of hardbacks by my favorite authors. I got rid of tons of clothes. I discovered FlyLady, and while I can't quite keep up with all of her schedules/emails/etc., I do agree with the clean sink thing and of having a schedule. So, I schedule certain tasks on certain days so I don't have to spend my whole weekend cleaning. I have a problem with not cleaning until something is obviously dirty so a schedule really helps. I do the, "Well, the toilet doesn't LOOK bad..." Hello! You're not supposed to wait until it looks bad. But I tend to do that if I don't stick to a schedule.
While I am not a true minimalist, I have to say that I have gotten rid of probably 80% of my stuff. And you know what? It is so freeing! Less stuff to account for. You would not BELIEVE how difficult it was to pack up the tons of clothes, knick-knacks, memorabilia, boxes and boxes and boxes of books and magazines and old mail (oh yeah, I always had a problem with mail) and move them. UGH!!!! Now, if I did sell my townhome and move, it would not nearly be such a chore.
I no longer subscribe to magazines. If there is one I MUST have, I will buy it, then it goes to recycling. As for books, I still dearly love them, but I own very few now. I trade at the 2-for-1 bookstore and we go to the library a lot.
I must say it is a struggle. It gets better as time goes on, but it is still a struggle. I want to stop at yard sales. I want to buy every book I see that I like. I want to go to that sale at Kohl's (or Ross...). Even more than that, though, I want a home that is a refuge. A place of peace. And, after all of these years, and the help of a very understanding (and organized) man in my life, I'm there.
Any advice? Well, just don't give up. It gets frustrating. These decisions are agonizing. But just keep on keepin' on. And one day you will wake up and realize. You did it!!!!
BF
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
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Post by hopehope on Apr 20, 2010 19:07:45 GMT -5
bump
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Post by StuffNoMore on Jun 29, 2010 8:49:40 GMT -5
I grew up in a home where I never knew there was such a thing as "dust" until I married and moved out. I always kept our home clean and acceptable, not sterile as Mom's was but it was always company ready. My ex DH was much like Mom but not the type to nag me to do things as he did help with the chores. When we separated in 1988 my DS was in a fatal car accident and brought into the ER I was a Nurse working in that night, My divorce was 4 days after his funeral. I still maintained my home but somehow it seemed different as I look back. I had to almost force myself to clean up and do my daily chores. Depression was setting in and how I was also changing was a slow and unnoticed process.
When the kids were growing up my home was always the home parents went to when looking for their children. I enjoyed them all being at my home as much as they did. After DD graduated from high school and worked full time I can see now how things started to go downhill for me in regards to housekeeping. I have a difficult time remembering when it really started getting to the point of not being able to open the door to anyone for fear of them seeing the mess. DD said it was at that point in 2006 at it's worse and I really thought much longer. But since she was forced to live like that I guess she is right. She did try to help and would clean the kitchen and dining room into a sparkly clean showroom and once again I would hug her, thank her and promise to never let it get that bad again .... but it did.
When she was just about to turn 30 she got engaged for the first time, having always lived at home and now she was going to move into her own place. I went into a full blown panic. That was in July 2009. That was the time I started really thinking about not being able to live like this anymore. The 1 person who could ever come into here is now gone. I felt as though my life long friends where dwindling down to nothing since my shame prevented anyone from visiting like they use to. Nobody knew how I was living except my DD who did try to help. From July until Oct I read alot about living, or merely existing as I was doing. I joined a few sites such as Fly Lady and found my problem was way too much overwhelming to do things as she wanted it done.
In Oct 2009 I found Squalor's Survivor and was so saddened it no longer existed. That was how I found my way here. I read every-ones stories and challenges for an entire day. I kept thinking how Kimmie cleaned her entire place knowing the building was going to be torn down but yet she did it!! I wanted to be like her and have enough respect and love for myself to give myself a proper place to live and also for my fur kids. I started my cleaning on Oct 3, 2009. I cleaned out my walk in closet in my bedroom and tossed 10 huge trash bags realized how much time I was saved being able to reach my clothes and get ready. From then it went to my den. It's the first room to the left of the door when you walk into the house. The door was closed for a very long time and difficult to open from all the piles of "stuff" 3/4 of the way up and so stuffed the door could barely open enough for me to squeeze in. I spent from 8 am that day until bedtime non stop cleaning. It felt so rewarding to finally see carpeting and have a place to sit. I then would watch all the episodes of Hoarder and Clean House and would pause the show during commercials and then clean for 15 mins. I did this for 3 months. I work the 7p-7a shift 3 night a week and how my schedule works, every other week I'm off 2 nights, on 1 then off 4. So I took vacation time every other week for that one day I worked and it gave me 7 days off straight every other week from Oct until Dec. I knew this has to be my main priority as 2 years ago I had to call 911 and was unable to allow the EMT's into my home and crawled out to the ambulance as I bled. That was the beginning of my eyes being opened up to how I was living.
I was so serious about getting this done as I was tired about talking and thinking about doing it with nothing being accomplished. I read on here many times how the depression can have you not be able to clean and achieve your goals. OK I do have depression, who wouldn't after loosing a child in front of your eyes while working then going through a divorce 4 days after the funeral. I realized I may always have the depression and that didn't mean it was an ticket to allow myself to live this way. It then occurred to me I was using the depression as an excuse and not a justifiable reason.
I was then on a mission, a very serious one. I wanted my DD's new Fiance to one day be able to walk in here and not just toot the horn in the driveway. He had to of known in his own mind why he couldn't come into the house. I deserved better than that. From Oct until Dec I cleaned every other week non stop except to eat, visit pp.com and sleep. It seemed to get more difficult though as I was achieving my goals in each room because behind me were the area I had already cleaned that needed to be maintained. Once I reached the point of the entire home done then I needed to focus on how to maintain it all without it seeming overwhelming and have me back to where I was.
I then made guidelines that had to be kept no matter what. Dishes would always be done before bed or leaving the house. When something fell on the floor it was to be picked up right away. Whenever I did grocery shopping, everything was to be put away within 1 hr of bringing it in. As time went on I realized to clean things before they got dirty was easier to clean than having to scrap the dirt off. It was a long road to get to were I am now. It's been 6 months since I've been in Maintenance and I have had company here often, had a birthday party for the fur kids which I invited many of my coworkers and also had the Animal Control Officer in the house when I found a puppy in my driveway. I didn't realize until those times I was never really living, I was merely existing. I spent years enabling myself and making excuses for not cleaning and getting my home back into shape. I know now that if it's something you really want to do, you WILL do it and not allow anything or anyone get in your way from accomplishing it. No it's not OK to live that way. It affects your mental and physical well being and we all deserve much more than that. Funny thing is although I may still get sad at times, I find the depression is so minute I can barely remember not being able to deal with the things that would bring me deeper into depression. Being able to live in a clean and orderly home has shown me life can be good and we all deserve at least that much.
I need to add...my DD's Fiance now has a key to my home for an emergency or if he needs to come get something for DD. That to me is showing myself how much trust I have in myself to keep this going on the right path. I also planned to have a coworker visit every other week on a Thurs on our days off so I knew I needed to maintain on a regular basis. Making that commitment for a visit also helped me learn how to maintain once again. For all who are starting to declutter your homes and your lives, it can be done..... only if you're serious about getting it done. I am living proof of that.
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Post by dtesposito on Jun 29, 2010 21:40:07 GMT -5
SNM--I think your post was a sign--shortly before I read this I dropped a couple of coins on the floor. One fell right at my feet, the other rolled off somewhere. I picked up the easy one and figured I'd get the other one later. As I made that decision I thought--you know, I really should pick up that second one--this is how things slide. But then I thought, it's just a coin....
I'm resolving right now to follow this rule. All the time.
Diane
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hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
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Post by hopehope on Jun 29, 2010 22:52:01 GMT -5
snm.
thank you for the treat.
and great find -- you found this thread!!
so great to read this wonderful post.
hh
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Post by StuffNoMore on Jun 29, 2010 23:04:48 GMT -5
Diane, every little thing we pick up does add up as time goes by. And it also has us allow this to be a routine in helping us maintain all the hard work we've done. As time goes by we find that we just automaticaLy do it without giving it much thought. You also find your mind seems less cluttered and amazingly I found the fur kids seemed more calm and content. Perhaps because i was more relaxed and not stressed always searching for things in the clutter.
I closed a door to that part of the past never to open it again.
hh - thank you for starting this thread! I'm so looking forward to read more stories from those who will be joining us in the wonderful world of "Maintenance"!!!!!!
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sam
New Member
Joined: June 2010
Posts: 9
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Post by sam on Jun 30, 2010 7:09:27 GMT -5
I am new here. I would like to say, I am at the very beginning...but how can I when I have been struggling for so long? What I can say is my success lies in the fact that things are not worse. I do the laundry, bathroom, dishes (although at times the sink is an eye sore). Those are the usual things folks do. I do them no matter if the squalor is low or high.
Other than that, I am a level 2. Once when I went on strike in the kitchen, it got to a 3. You see, we become targets of other people's contribution to the mess because we are the obvious messy ones. Others may think it is all us and that we do nothing to make the situation better. Well, when I went on strike in the kitchen, it showed--even to myself--that at least what I was doing had an effect: even if it was just holding back the ocean of squalor that could come.
The kitchen is back to a 2. I want to really be successful at this. I want it to be over. I am tired of all the mess and all the stuff, and I do not have the energy to keep going like this.
Right now, I am reading here...a lot. I am going through ONE 18 gallon tote/bin a day (or the equivalent). I am getting the usual laundry, dishes, bathroom done.
I guess my point is, although we are all here to make progress, those of us that are holding back the tide can consider that a success of a sort and use that positive to achieve more.
Sam
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Post by def6 on Dec 5, 2016 15:32:20 GMT -5
I'm bumping this...tell us your story here...
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Post by closetofchaos on Dec 10, 2016 9:59:58 GMT -5
def6 Thank you for digging up this treasure! After an agonizing year of heartbreak and having to make some painful but necessary choices, having to face various demons and coming to a crossroads in my life, I'm finally at a place where my home doesn't cause distress. (So many other things in my life have). I'm discovering the joy of putting things right in my environment instead of seeing it as some kind of impossibility that only others could master.
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Post by Di on Dec 10, 2016 11:45:29 GMT -5
I did it when I quit trying to "understand" why it was the way it was. I acknowledged that IT WAS and that I had to clean it! It is a matter of biting the bullet and tossing, cleaning, washing, mopping, sweeping, folding and scrubbing. I had to accept the Nike theme and "JUST DO IT" I didn't like cleaning, There are a million things I would rather do. I don't like getting rid of things because I might need them one day. I don't like moving furniture, I don't like making beds, I don't like scrubbing toilets. I don't like doing dishes, etc.
But if you choose not to live in squalor then you have to choose to dig your way out and then follow through on the decision.
Am I there yet? Not by a long shot. Did I "fail" more than once? How about daily... Is it a thousand times better than it was? Yes! And tomorrow is another day and another chance. Just start where you are and make something better than it was. Then don't stop.
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