purple57
New Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 74
|
Post by purple57 on May 30, 2010 19:46:34 GMT -5
#########################################################################
This is to all of you who are hoarders, collectors, who shop and drop and don’t put things away, and don’t clean your house, You may get angry, and you may hate me, but I need to speak my piece in the hopes it may have some effect on you before it’s too late.
Please open your eyes. My only sister, 3g, is dying of pancreatic cancer, and is about to go from the hospital to a nursing home, from which she will not return. I am sad and I am angry. I stayed with her for the past few months, first out of my need, and then I stayed to help when she became sick. I bought all the food, did all the cooking, the dishes and organizing, and I didn’t mind doing any of it.
Her apartment was for the most part clean but full of stuff, boxes, totes and piles of stuff. Most of it was good stuff, but way too much of it. Recently she had begun the huge task of donating a lot of things that were in the main rooms of her apartment, but there were two rooms that were out of control.
The first was her bedroom, which had three bureaus, a closet, and many totes, all filled with clothes, which were also piled everywhere.
The other room was filled wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling full of boxes and totes filled with stuff. Dolls, teddy bears, books, blankets, curtains, glassware, fabric, nick-nacks, shoes, Christmas decorations, art supplies, and who knows what else.
I beg of you, don’t leave your stuff for those who are left to have to deal with. In the past few weeks my sister’s best friend and I cleaned out the whole room and donated all of it. I found multiples of health and beauty aids, cleaning supplies, and many other things. My sister said, “Oh, when we moved here I didn’t pack it all up, that was my S.O. and his friend. They just threw everything in totes. I didn’t know where anything was.” I said, “OK, but you’ve lived here almost four years and YOU haven’t unpacked anything. You can’t find something so instead of looking you just buy more.” And so it goes.
Yes, I am angry. Angry that she has to die, and angry that we have to clean up her messes, and angry that she wasted so much money on things that spent years packed away in a cold room, and ended up in a thrift store somewhere.
My message to you all is: Don’t leave your messes for someone else to deal with. DO IT NOW! It’s not fair. Trust me. I know.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And now here is a quote from my sister written on April 13, 2010:
“Since being diagnosed myself with stage 4 cancer, I have realized so many things.
1. Stuff, even family memorabilia, is NOT important AT ALL!
It will not mean as much to anyone else after we are gone. It may all be sold, tossed, or discarded.
2. SO..... sell or discard it now and step one giant step out of Squalor.
Stuff won't save your life, make you well, or even make you happy when you're sad.
It clogs the arteries of your soul, dragging you down with it as it expands.
I'd rather lose all I own and have my fiancé and my health back.”
################################################################
|
|
|
|
Post by _Linda_ on May 30, 2010 20:08:08 GMT -5
Dear Purple,
Although I have not walked in your shoes, losing a sister, I have lost both of my parents. I, for one, thank you for this message. It is terribly hard on the family to go through a loved one's things during their illness or after they are gone.
As emotionally draining it is to clear your own life of your own clutter, I believe that it is extremely more exhausting to decide what is to be done with a loved one's belongings.
Many of us have encountered this problem due to some form of loss. In our grief, we feel unable to "deal" with the issues at hand. But, you are right, there comes a time that we have to cope with the problems in our lives.
Personally, I felt terribly guilty over how many things of my parents was ultimately thrown away, donated, and sold. It seemed to be so disrespectful to them. But, my siblings and I knew that we could not keep all of it.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my problem of squalor. A lot of it was based in depression, guilt, and low self esteem. But I find that all of it is improving the cleaner my house becomes.
If your post helps just one person, then it is a wonderful tribute to your sister. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to post this, but it shows how dearly you love her. Both of you are in my prayers.
Linda
|
|
|
|
Post by charis on May 30, 2010 20:16:42 GMT -5
Purple I am so so sorry about 3g's cancer. I wish you had more help to clean up and carry on.  |
|
MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
|
Post by MiSC on May 30, 2010 20:19:29 GMT -5
I am genuinely sorry about your sister. No one deserves to go through that. Not the victim, and not the loving ones.
Sarcastic comment edited out.
|
|
|
|
Post by messymimi on May 30, 2010 20:36:19 GMT -5
Dear Purple,
Thank you.
These are things we know, but need to be reminded of, because the reality of it fades in the face of day to day living.
Please know that I am praying for you and 3g, and let her know of our love.
messymimi
|
|
|
|
Post by moggyfan on May 30, 2010 20:42:26 GMT -5
Much love to both of you. I hope you and your sister have some good days together on this journey, Purple.
3g's advice is heartfelt and important. Thank you both.
|
|
|
|
Post by notsomessyshell on May 30, 2010 20:57:24 GMT -5
OH Purple I wish I could really you. I am so sorry about her illness and your grief. It is so unfair to lose someone. You have every right to feel angry! Rage against the unfairness of it all. Your pain is so evident from your writing. I wish there was something we could do for you. And I do thank you for the reminder that stuff is just that--stuff. Not important in the grand scheme of things. Your sister's message is a strong one: "I'd rather lose all I own and have my fiancé and my health back.” |
|
hopehope
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 3,815
|
Post by hopehope on May 30, 2010 20:58:05 GMT -5
thank you for your message, Purple. went right to the heart.
and-- if she can take it in -- please thank 3g for hers as well. I will reread both many times.
I don't think I thanked her enough at the time.
may her journey be pain-free -- may you spend every moment from now til then in the consciousness of love.
so sorry for your pain-- hopehope
|
|
|
|
Post by blessedapt on May 30, 2010 21:20:13 GMT -5
Thanks for your words. Please know they have registered here (at least at my house). I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. May her time be pain free. I'm glad that you are able to be with her. |
|
|
|
Post by shopgirl on May 30, 2010 22:32:28 GMT -5
A good message from you, Miss Purple. No one will take it the wrong way. Everything you stated is spot-on. All I can say is I'm working on it here at my house, making good progress, and your words will stay with me for a long time. I wish you and 3g all the best and an abundance of love during this unimaginably difficult time.
|
|
|
|
Post by disorganizeddragon on May 30, 2010 22:45:38 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by StuffNoMore on May 31, 2010 0:04:16 GMT -5
Purple, please feel free to contact me if you need any help at all. We live VERY close to each other. Hugs SNM |
|
|
|
Post by sidestep on May 31, 2010 7:50:44 GMT -5
Purple, I am so sorry to hear of 3G's struggle with cancer. I lost both my parents 2 years apart due to Stage IV cancer & that expedited my slide into squalor. My parents were not hoarders, in fact Dad pared down most of his personal possessions as he dealt with his terminal state. I do wish he had not parted with some of the clothing items I had given him, as I know they would have given me comfort to wear. I wish you both strength, courage, & pain-free tranquility for 3G during this difficult time.  |
|
|
|
Post by Script on May 31, 2010 7:59:29 GMT -5
I said, “OK, but you’ve lived here almost four years and YOU haven’t unpacked anything. You can’t find something so instead of looking you just buy more.” And so it goes. one thing struck Auntie Duck the bookkeeper: I bet a LOT of us could say things like this [insert your own variation]: "if I didn't spend the money on the storage locker, I could have a cleaning lady every few months" or "if I didn't waste so much money on duplicates, I could get the air conditioning fixed properly" or "if the house were ready to sell now, I could downsize and buy a new car" or "if I didn't lose so much money on late payment charges on my bills, I could have a nice restaurant meal every month" thank you Purple and 3G for your words of wisdom. hugs and prayers to you both xxoo |
|
|
|
Post by sleepymom on May 31, 2010 8:07:56 GMT -5
This is such a hard lesson! I`ve now helped clean out the homes of 3 grandmas and a great-aunt. Only one was an actual hoarder, but they all had the accumulations of lifetimes of stuff+ that decisions needed to be made about and work done to remove. Each time, and even with my own wake-up calls, I vow to reform so that my family isn`t burdened, but after awhile I keep sinking back into the everydayness of not seeing and procrastination.
In 3G`s honor, and yours too, I will get out a couple of extra bags today.
|
|
