I'm really not the only one? Jul 28, 2008 13:25:17 GMT -5 Quote Select PostDeselect PostLink to PostBack to Top Post by juki on Jul 28, 2008 13:25:17 GMT -5 I am sitting here crying. I'm not sure if it's tears of pain or relief...perhaps a combination of the two. My children and I live in squalor. That's the first time I've ever said it (er, typed it) and it's terrifying yet very releasing at the same time. It's been a constant struggle for the past 5 or 6 years, but I hope/believe that I'm on my way out of this disaster.My house is *me*. I get that, logically. I keep my house a disaster because something tells me I deserve no better. I keep people away because I don't' want them to reject me. My mess is my excuse, my physical manifestation of my inner demons, and cleaning it would be the first step towards healing.See, I get all of that. I can see why I have let things go. Yet... emotionally, I can't. My mind is at a battle with the rest of me and it's made my life chaos.I too nearly have a heart attack whenever someone knocks on the door. My family hasn't been in my house in years... in fact, I don't think my nephews have ever seen it. My walls are filthy, my carpet's ruined, and I just threw out seven bags of trash that littered my kitchen and living room (with still at least a bag or two left). I threw them out sneakily, and waited until my next door neighbour was gone so he wouldn't see what I was doing. I live in a townhouse complex, and we neighbours like to gossip. Lately he's taken to gossiping about me and my disgusting house. He's drunk most of the time so the others don't take him seriously, and that's a blessing for me. I've been told that he's complaining and have a heads-up before things get really bad. I mean well. I try to clean. I get all excited every few months and go on a spending spree. I buy up tons of cleaning products (I know own 4 buckets. 4! What the heck?) and come back with the best intentions....then I sit down, become overwhelmed and give up. I have to do this. My kids are embarrassed and want to invite friends over. I have a houseguest coming for SIX (!!!) weeks on Friday. I agreed a few months ago, thinking that it'd make me get things organized in plenty of time. I even bought paint to inspire me... which now is collecting dust in my laundry room. Oy.I found this message board while searching for ways to get this done. It's much easier to spend hours googling information than actually doing the work, eh? I'm a great researcher - poor implementer.I'm actually on to a decent start this time. My kitchen is clean (the cupboards are awful, but the surfaces are shining for the time being) and I've de-garbaged most of the living area. Next up is de-cluttering the living room, vacuuming (and attempting to spot clean) the carpets and washing the walls. Three fairly simple things that I could probably accomplish in the day if I really focused.But I'm scared to continue, and I'm instead reading everyone else's stories and using their struggles and accomplishments to give me the strength to continue. You all are so kind, so supportive, so wonderful...and I cannot tell you how much you've effected me just in two days of lurking. For that I thank you, from the bottom of my squal-filled heart...and I also apologize for writing a confessional when I truly meant to write something benign like 'hi, I'm new here. I've been reading for a while and think this is a terrific site'.So...yeah... hi. I'm new here.