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Post by downanddirty on Jul 30, 2008 9:03:57 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I have posted as down and dirty because of depression and the mess my family has been living in. It is a hopeful thing to find a place where I can be honest and hopefully not resented for the state of mess I have let pile up. I haven't had much understanding, in most cases-none at all. I hope I can find ways to work with this problem. I guess I''ll get down to the real introduction.
I am a 41 yr. old married mother of 3 girls, ages 11(will be twelve in a few days), 14, and 17. I fell into a constant state of anxiety and panic attacks and sought phsyciatric help years ago. I constantly felt overwhelmed with that "fight or flight" feeling all the time, the flight urge overwhelming my life. I was diagnosed as major depressive and given Prozac, which was always being adjusted because it just didn't work. This all happened when my youngest was a toddler. The medication was supposed to help, but for 1 and a half years I never felt any better. I kept telling them that, but felt it was an insistance by the nurses and people I had to talk to that the drug was helping at least a little, which I always ended up just agreeing to, even though I would start out telling them I was noticing no change. Up and down the dosage went until I was on 60mg. a day. My emotions were pretty much gone, I just felt numb, although I did spend nights of insomnia cleaning. I eventually attempted suicide after a long period of time drinking and staying drunk. I was involuntarily committed for several days to the psych ward for this. There, another doctor diagnosed me with bipolar and was supposed to have contacted my regular doctor. My last session with my doctor, the phsyciatrist, was when I wanted to discuss with him what had happened and he didn't know. I told him I had attempted suicide and had been hospitalized-his reponse was"that can't kill you". I took the packages of medication they had always given me, went home, and stopped it all cold turkey-no more meds or psych doctors for me. Then all was fine, truly. I was back to my good self again and life was fine. The meds really messed me up mentally and unfortunately, left me with urge(later on-last year) to kill myself for good. I had never felt any feelings or thoughts about suicide before in my life, until I began my "drug therapy".
Now, for reasons I'm not sure of, I have spent the last several years in serious and major depression. I don't know what happened or when, just that I went from being a busy and good mother and homemaker every day, to becoming a crying messed up person who was sleeping all the time, avoiding everything, and not cleaning my home or interacting with my family or anyone else. The real me, all of the vitality and happiness, hasn't been there for years. Whether this has any cause in my problems or not, I have hyperthyroidism-toxic nodule goiter.
I have no energy or stamina to make up for all the work that has piled up and I don't get any support or understanding/forgiveness for what has happened. I know the way I've been has affected my children, my youngest least of all. I am somewhere around stage 3 squalor, the only difference maybe being that although I don't own an animal, we did "save" one winter of 2006-07 because a neighbor decided she did not want the housecat to live in the house and just tossed it out the door. During the time we had the cat, downstairs with piles of clothes(with my daughter's room, then the laundry room), and the cat puked, peed-everything, all over our clothes. Many had to be thrown away. You see, I don't just have a pile of clothes or a few bags worth built up, but I have at least 10--55 gallon contractor bags full. Each bag is full to the top, so they can't even be carried anywhere. My kitchen is pretty much always a mess, with very few exceptions. It is usually my husband who will dig in and spend an entire day trying to clean it up on the weekends. Clothes pile up day by day and I can never get caught up and can't afford to take them to the laudromat. We are always having problems with our washer or dryer, and it seriously sets back any attempts to get even somewhat caught up. I feel so guilty to admit that my children have worn dirty clothes that need to be washed, because they have nothing else to wear. I know that is not being a good mother, nor a decent wife, to have let things go. But none of it was on purpose. I used to clean EVERYTHING, everyday. Sweeping, mopping, clothes, dishes meals, organizing and straightening up, making the beds, paying the bills, running errands, doing the shopping, etc. I may not have been the perfect person, but I surely did my part and mostly everyone else's too. My husbands only work at home was mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. The rest was mine, and I was happy to have a clean house where my kids could have friends over and things could be easily repaired by the landlord when needed-nothing was there to hide or be ashamed of.
But these years of depression have taken an emotional toll on my family and a physical toll on me. I find that I can't just get up and get back on the bandwagon and get it all done myself. I get dizzy, I become out of breath easily, and don't even have the actual strength(physically) to accomplish all that needs to be done. As I do what little I can at a time, other daily messes build up and I feel I'm getting nowhere. Things being so bad at times that there are dirty dishes on the kitchen floor because there is just no more room to put them anywhere else. The children eating in the living room and leaving dishes and garbage all over the furniture and floor, rancid milk from bowls of cereal and cups of milk everywhere-the stench of rotten food left in cookwear and in dishes stinking up the entire house.
I have fought my way through this depression on my own. No medications to help me, with the exception of taking tranquilizers and high blood pressure meds(both for high blood pressure and the effects of panic attacks along with my hyperthyroidism and it's symptoms). I have prayed, talked and cried many times with my husband(who has been supportive and loving) and basically determined in my mind that I want my home back. Not just the clean house, but to prove my love to my children and husband and get back into doing the things I always enjoyed. I want to love life again and look forward to things and stop looking back. But there is a lack of forgiveness and other problems with my eldest girls that is hard to work past(or through, I should say). They have lost respect for me especially, and to some small extent-their father. I feel I have let everyone down and can never make it up. Time has been lost, precious years with my family, precious years for me.
My dh and I have tried to implement(many times) rules and reasonable chores, so the girls will learn to do things they should've been doing all along. Cleaning up their rooms(instead of me), cleaning up their messes(food, garbage,etc.) and throwing them away or rinsing them out. We've also added reasonable tasks, after working hard to get it all cleaned ourselves, to KEEP things clean so we can move onto other things that need to be done. They are not child slaves, but they are not toddlers anymore either. They are all capable of straightening up, washing some dishes, washing a couple loads of clothes. Interchanging the days each one has a chore on, so that nobody feels they are saddled with the same thing all the time. My husband and I are also on the chore list, along with all the extra things we can do to catch up. Maybe my real first problem was in doing everything for everyone, with no expectations that anyone should pick up their room(I'd get tired of asking then telling them, yet it was still a day long mess I would end up cleaning up and organizing). I never taught them basic things about being clean. They never cleaned their rooms, they never put toys up, they never put their garbage in the trash, never kept dishes in the kitchen, etc. That is my blame. Now they do whatever they can to be gone all the time at friends homes, spending sometimes 3 or 4 nights in a row with a friends. My eldest is gone all the time, out with friends or a boyfriend, and keeps making promises to help, but always leaves and is gone before I realize she didn't do what she said she would. We are dysfunctional at this point, usually just letting them go and stay with their friends and go out without putting our foot down. Mainly because I know it will start a debate and almost always a fight or argument. My eldest has so much anger when she doesn't get her way, she has been physically and very verbally abusive. My middle daughter can be verbally abusive, but I have never feared her hitting me, since she never has and I believe she has not lost so much love or respect for me that she'd do such a thing. Also, the fact that she was a witness to the first time my eldest hit me and how it effected her may have put any thoughts of how violence hurts people in many ways in perspective for her. That incident had her hysterical. My youngest is the most motivated. She has worked very hard to completely declutter their shared room(hers and my middle child) on her own. She is tired of the mess, but she doesn't leave all the time because she "hates it here and doesn't want to be here"(as my other 2 girls have stated). So she is my helper and inspires me to do things. She has bagged up numerous contractor bags and regular bags of garbage to be tossed out, whether her sister wants it gone or not. She will clean the bathroom or living room on her own, without it being her chore or being asked at all. Just because she wants a clean home again, just as I do. Funny how you can learn so much from an 11 year old child.
Basically, I'm on a path, but I do falter a lot. I am at a loss of how to get my other girls to stay home and help. Because, in my own way, I hate it here too. Too many bad memories that overshadow the good ones. Too much to do and everyone gone and when home, they just increase the mess, rather than even attempting the simplest of things to keep it to a minimum. Our home is just a garbage dump to them now, leaving items everywhere and not even getting up to throw things away or put their dishes in the kitchen. Many evenings I have to make numerous trips from the living room to the kitchen(and other rooms), just to put the things they've used back where they belong. Our home is just a stop off place where they drop by to eat, leave garbage around, get a change of clothes, and leave again. How does a person ever keep a good outlook and keep trying when the people around them won't help? How do I keep a good outlook when my eldest 2 demean me and always have something to say that hurts and makes me feel even worse when they don't get their way?
I don't blame my children for my illness. Frankly, I need help. I need someone to physically be here and work with me so I can truly get something done. Yes, it would be nice to have the money to hire help or to have a family member to help, but I don't have that option. My dh's family has no idea, and they have families and work or their own to do. My only relative, my sister, thinks I have been manipulative and need to just suck it up(this was said at a bad time during my depression). I hold so much guilt over so many things, many going back to childhood. I have had the reposibilities of an adult since I was 13. My mother left, drinking, on the streets, multiple suicide attempts, because it was too much for her. I took care of my father, who had suffered a severe stroke, giving him insulin shots, all of his meds, cooking, cleaning, writing out checks for him to sign for the bills-everything a housewife would do(nothing perverted) for years, all on my own with no help from family. Not to forget school and some sort of friends and social life. So I am not new to the whole cleaning and taking care of everyone routine.
My eldest two girls feel as if all our home is about is cleaning and chores, and complain of being bored. It is frustrating to know what my youngest has worked on(while her sisters are off having fun elsewhere), and the things they see me doing right in front of them and how they sit and listen to music or play on the computer, talk on the phone, or come straight home to stay up late and work on a puzzle. That is all my eldest 2 do. They will be gone so long, the chore list has no meaning very quickly. How can regular chores be rotated if I'm the only one here to do them all?
My greatest fear is that my frustration with these overwhelming tasks will put me right back where I was, in bed avoiding everything and everyone. I don't want to be there. I may stumble and have those days now and again, but it is not a constant thing. It is merely a minor setback. I honestly NEED help and don't know what to do. I know I cannot do all of this on my own physically, so I can never really get ahead. I've tried. I've spent an entire day washing an enormous amount of dishes and cleaning my kitchen, just to find myself physically unable to do anything besides try to get to the bathroom for 2 days afterwards. That wouldn't be so bad, but during those 2 days, more and more messes are made that pile up and nobody else cleans them. I even had a system of working every day on certain chores, just to maintain something. Keeping the bathroom clean, straightening up the living room and making the bed in our room. But all of that becomes a horrible mess the day I try to work on laundry or anything else(like trying to find the floor in our bedroom again). I am quite serious when I say it only takes a day, maybe two, for things to be as bad or worse than they were before I had it all cleaned. I don't understand why nobody else seems to care.
Even a few months ago, my husband(dh) had said he wished he had one week where he could work with me(and everyone else here) to get things in order. Then he takes a weeklong vacation(he only gets one week a year until next spring, when he will get 2 a year) in which he spends no time doing anything but laying around reading and watching tv, with only one short trip on a cool day to have a "family" day of fun swimming at the lake. I never swam, as the wind and water were so cold. That excursion lasted maybe 2 hours, then it was over. He never helped with all of these things he said he would. I know it is his "vacation", but he should not have said those things about working with me if he didn't mean it. Sometimes I wonder to myself, if I had died instead of dealing with depression, how would my family make it? Nobody wants to work together, and never did. I got sick, needed help, and everyone was clueless about what needed to be done or how to do it.
Needless to say, relationships between us in our home are bad. My youngest is the only one I can invest time and effort with, as the other 2 are gone so much. There is shame and fear of someone coming in to fix things that have been left broken, because of the mess. I am afraid of eviction or worse, losing my children. My husband and I haven't been the same in some very important ways for a long time. There is no intimacy between us and hasn't been for over a year and a half. He is interested, as am I, but doesn't read even the most obvious clues/hints that I give him. I feel unsure of my marriage, unsure of my childrens feelings towards me, unsure of my very place or reasons for even being in this house.
I can only guess that everyone feels since I let them down with my depression, I have to not only fix everything myself, but maintain it on my own. I'm not trying to garner pity or refute my part in this. Why is it that I feel that if it were cancer I had, everyone would love me, help me, and not hate me. But because it is this horrible illness that can't be seen, blame is placed upon the person suffering. "Suck it up" "Get over it" "You have it easy compared to..." "What do you have to be depressed over?" This is the stigma that people deal with when they have depression. These are the things people cruelly say to someone when they are emotionally at their worst. Nothing like kicking someone when they're already down. Especially from the ones who are supposed to love you most and SAY they'll always be there for you, no matter what. People say, but they aren't honest. They'll be there for you "if it's convenient and they want to". That is how it works.
Pretty long introduction, I know. Maybe I'm not owning up to my own problems and obligations. I don't know what anyone may think or feel. I just simply need help and support. I need it more than anything. Not just words or promises, but real help. I will work, as I have been, at getting things back in order. But I simply can't do it alone. I need help for how to deal with my girls and their lack of responsibility for their own messes. I need help knowing what else I could or should do. I know there are those of you who know and understand what I am trying to face and deal with. How does a person deal with this in a houseful of people who seem to be working against you, rather than with you? There are times I want to just pack up what belongings I can and leave with my youngest. Then my husband can deal with the eldest 2 and the mess all on his own. I know that sounds ugly and hateful, but I wonder if a dose of stark reality would wake him up to what I'm dealing with everyday by myself.
I know this is not a forum for family problems and I had no intentions of making it one. But the horrible messes and the many reasons and problems that cause it to begin or happen, also have lasting repurcussions on a family. That is a reality. The levels of mess that we live with impact our daily lives, our relationships with friends and relatives, our social lives and with our own children and spouses. Now, when things seem so far gone, but I keep on hoping and trying, it continually eats at me in one way or another. The girls blaming me, angry over things I don't even remember. Apologizing repeatedly and being told by my middle daughter she would give me "one more chance", but if I screwed it up, she wasn't bothering with me anymore. It's as if I've lost all value as a human being with everyone except my youngest. I know they are somewhat young, but not that young and certainly old enough to know how badly words alone can hurt. The bad thing is, I know that most of the hurtful words are their real feelings, not spur of the moment comments made in anger. They really seem to feel this was something I made happen on purpose and I should feel bad and I should fix it all myself and I better not let them down.
I'm feeling like I'm at a breaking point, despite my best efforts to the contrary, and any help or advice or even an understanding or caring ear would help. Thank you for this place. It helps to be able to be honest about things that I just can't talk about to anyone else.
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Post by sleepymom on Jul 30, 2008 9:54:05 GMT -5
Hi & welcome D&D~ I don`t have a lot of time right now, but wanted to let you know we have plenty of member with, maybe not your exact circumstances, but close enough to relate, that you are not alone! Your girls are close in age to my kids, and while my 16yo son isn`t abusive, he has started being out all the time, so much that I feel guilty making his younger sister do chores when he isn`t around to do his share. I`m starting to crack down on that, but it isn`t going over well, and I`m dealing with flack from him that can be hurtful and with my own health issues, I`m just not up to dealing with it all the time even though I need them both to help out. I`ve been with this group for several years, and though my house isn`t to where I`d like, I`ve learned so much from these incredible people, it`s really helped a lot in learning how to deal with everything. You are welcome to use the Byways board here to vent or ask for help with anything, including family problems, any time you want. Even though the focus of the group is dealing with squalor, we talk about *everything* from time to time. Welcome, we`re glad to meet you!  |
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Post by skitter on Jul 30, 2008 11:09:28 GMT -5
Hi downanddirty,
Welcome! I'm sorry you are having difficulties with your older children and with your home. Many people have difficulty with teenagers whether or not they have lovely houses.
Could you see another psychiatrist? Perhaps there are other treatments besides medication. Perhaps a psychologist could meet with you and talk you through your day to day efforts.
I would indeed suggest getting out of the house - even for a couple of nights away - perhaps to visit your sister or an old friend. It doesn't matter why. I always find that when I come back I see all the positives about my home, and especially get insight into what kind of things are in my way.
Perhaps, if you don't feel you have control over the whole house, you could create a sactuary in your bedroom for you and you husband. That would give you a good place to start from each morning, and no one else can mess it up on you.
Thinking of you, skitter
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Post by molly on Jul 30, 2008 11:23:38 GMT -5
Hi! It sounds like you've had a rough, long journey. I hope you're able to find support here.
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Post by eatingbonbons on Jul 30, 2008 12:24:54 GMT -5
Downanddirty, you have a tremendous amount to deal with right now and my heart goes out to you. I sincerely believe that the most important thing you can do is to get your depression & anxiety under control. I know you have not been satisfied with your past experiences, but that was then and this is now. More medications are available and many doctors have more knowledge about their use. It is not unusual to try several meds before you hit upon just the right one. It can definitely be frustrating because these meds are not fast-acting and relief can be weeks away. Also, you probably need to get a yes or no on the possibility of bipolor illness because the medication protocol is quite different. If your doctor seems to be dismissive or just going through the motions, find another one who approaches you individually.
I truly believe that if you can get yourself feeling better and thinking more clearly you will then be able to deal with all the other issues more effectively.
I have a long history of bipolar illness. From the time I was diagnosed I decided to learn everything I could about the condition and treatments so that I could manage the illness to the best of my ability. So I have a very pro-active approach to treatment for myself and I can't help but encourage others in that direction.
As for sex, just go ahead and ask your husband outright since he's not hearing . The worst that can happen is that he'll say no, right? But I promise you the odds are in your favor. It may not sound very romantic but my husband & I both do this and it works well for us. If the sexual part of your relationship is strong then you'll both not only feel better, you'll be able to work together better because of the natural bonding.
I've got to take my dog to the vet, so I'm off for now, but I'm always around, and I'll be looking out for you.
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Post by pegasus48 on Jul 30, 2008 12:29:57 GMT -5
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 30, 2008 13:03:43 GMT -5
dear downanddirty;
your intro brought tears to my eyes. I responded to you other post today, and now understand a little bit more than i did. it sounds as though your family, your whole family, needs some family counseling. you have all gotten into those patterns over time, and everyone is playing their part in it. it's NOT all on you! do you have a domestic violence service in your area? i am concerned about your oldest daughter is hitting you! if that doesn't get addressed, the violence will escalate. you are in a dangerous situation. you deserve to be treated with respect. no one deserves physical or verbal abuse; please get help! often, physical abuse goes hand in hand with alcoholism or addiction; is your oldest daughter an addict or an alcoholic? at 17, she is almost old enough to be out on her own. at 18, you can legally ask her to leave. i know that sounds heartless, but your life may be at stake. if she hates it so much at home, perhaps one of her friends families can foster her for awhile.
i totally understand about the meds; if you don't have someone working closely with you who knows and cares, you can get put on the wrong meds. it is a known fact that prozac can cause suicidal tendencies in people! if you don't want to take meds, and i don't blame you, what about cognitive therapy and finding a good therapist/family counselor, or a group of some kind? you and your husband have the right to set firm rules with her and stick by them. i still say check your area to see if there is a domestic violence services; they often have family counselors, and sometimes have grants to help those who are low income, if money is a problem for your family.
i think you hit it on the head when you said that you never had the girls do chores. that happenened to me in my growing up years, and it was a great disservice to me! i am still such a slob, and i have tried and tried. i also became a hoarder very early in life, and am still in the grips of that, although working slowly on ireducing the hoard an the squalor. if you and your husband give your girls allowance, stop that right now, except for the youngest, who is helpful and sweet. then tell the older ones they will need to earn it by doing chores, as their youngest sister is already doing.
those contractor bags in the house; are they full of garbage, and do you even want or care about what is in them? if some of them are your older daughters' stuff, tell them that you are going to throw them away, and from now on you will throw away any of their stuff that is on the floor or left out. time to get mad and get tough! do you have someone who can haul the bags out of the house and to the dump? that would be a great visual and emotional help to you right now, to have that out of there. from there, you will better be able to see what needs to be done next.
i wish i lived close to you, i would come help you! surely there is someone else who you can ask. is there someone (besides your youngest daughter) who is compassionate and not judgmental? There are also community services whose job is to help people in your situation; call a social worker and see what services are available in your area. (NOT DSHS or child protection though!) I'd start with Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services. We have one on the small island where I live, and they are great with families and networking.
your husband sounds loving, and maybe a bit overly protective, but he is probably so worried for you. i'm sure he would be open to helping you, but for now, you have to find a way to balance out the seemingly insurmountable tasks with getting your own head and life back together. we are here for you. i'll be looking out for you, others will too. you might want to join us on listzilla. that is a cool place! people do 3 things, list those, and then list 3 things to do. i have to break stuff down into tiny steps in order to get anything done. tell your husband you need to borrow the car some. you can take 3 contractors bags at a time to the dump if your car is small. reach out to old friends who you know love you. they will still love you, even if it has been years. good friends are like that! they would help, and you need help!
hugs and strength to you; sending healing thoughts. xxxoooo
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Post by Mystic Pegasus on Jul 30, 2008 13:51:57 GMT -5
Downanddirty... where do you live? Maybe there is someone on this board who lives near your area???
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Post by Chris on Jul 30, 2008 15:49:28 GMT -5
Dear downanddirty,
I responded to your other thread before reading your introduction here -- I had no idea how much more you were dealing with - so I am sorry if my other response was probably way off.
My heart goes out to you - the amount of stress you are dealing with seems so very high.
In my family, depression and bipolar run real strong - and so I am aware of the problems in getting a proper diagnosis and the problems with finding medication that works without causing more different problems. I hope you will find a therapist who can help you!
Someone here mentioned the possibility of getting away for a few days -- can you do that?? Not as any sort of punishment to your family but as a mental health break for you!!!
I will keep you in positive thought and I hope you find this group to be as helpful as I do. I've only been a member for a short while but already I feel more confidence and respect for myself and the efforts I am making to create a better home for me and my husband. It is amazing how much it helps me to view photos, share my photos, and join in every day on the Listzilla section -- I am actually accomplishing more and more everyday with the accountability and support I find here.
One of my biggest problems when I started was in my looking at the WHOLE big mess and my thoughts were very negative in the beginning as to whether I could make any difference. I've learned to think better thoughts and to focus in on the small steps -- just a few at a time and before I knew it I could see real great progress.
I also am getting a lot of help from the book: Buried in Treasures by David Tolin. That book has really helped me understand my obsessive/compulsive acquiring and saving/hoarding of stuff.
Good luck to you and I hope to see you posting a lot more! There are so many great people here who are very very helpful!!!
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Post by houndsnroses on Jul 30, 2008 18:58:30 GMT -5
I don't have any advice to add but sending you a great big cyberhug for all you're dealing with!!
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Post by crazycatlady on Jul 30, 2008 22:01:07 GMT -5
Welcome, Down&Dirty! I'm so glad that you found us! I hope that you will find this community to be as helpful as I have found it.
Sometimes it helps to make a commitment to post something here daily for 90 days, or some other time frame. That will keep you coming here, and talking, and getting feedback from people who understand and can offer support.
Like others, I also suggest considering getting treatment for the depression/bipolar illness. It sounds like it has stolen your peace away, and the proper treatment can be instrumental in helping you overcome.
Welcome home, my friend! Look forward to hearing more from you!
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Post by downanddirty on Jul 31, 2008 3:28:32 GMT -5
Thank you all for your advice and support. I can see that this is a board full of loving and caring people who help one another to get ahead one step at a time. I will spend more time reading through other parts of the boards to find all the extra help and advice I can. Today has been a low day for me(not too bad), but I have felt angry towards my husband for allowing our 2 eldest to go and spend another night away, when we had agreed to talk with them this evening(I'm thinking in terms of Wed. night-sorry).
To answer a few questions(and suggestions), I have taken contractor bags full of the items my youngest has filled down to the trash pickup for our trash service. I myself have filled bags full of garbage from various rooms and taken them out myself also. The only contractor bags full of items that I have not thrown out are the ones full of clothing that needs to be washed. That is one of the very biggest cleanups that needs to be done. I know that many of the clothes are too small by far for even my youngest, because of the length of time they've been down there. Some may be permanently ruined, although I did try to weed the obvious ones out. The idea of giving my youngest an allowance and not the older girls is a good one, so thank you for that. She does deserve it.
As far as the violence goes, I have contacted Family Services, and after a weeks worth of calls, I was told it sounded more like an emotional issue with my eldest and they could not offer any services for that. She has been insistent on not seeing a therapist or anything like that, so I would have to drag her off kicking and fighting to get her in the car. As long as she gets to leave and hang out, she talks to me nicely and even shows affection and concern for me. Otherwise, it can get ugly. I told family services that if something else happens, I will just call the police to get her(that was their suggestion when I reported the incident the next morning). Even though I have issues with my 14 yr. old, she has told her older sister that she will not hit me ever again or she will tackle her herself, now that she is not so young or small, nor afraid anymore. She may be 3 years+ younger than her, but she is 7 inches taller and much stronger by far. The idea of kicking my eldest out when she is 18 is something I always think about doing. I love her dearly, but cannot let the household be run by her outbursts. I cannot let myself or anyone else live in fear of her in our own home. My youngest wants her to leave and feels things will settle down for everyone when she is not living here anymore. For an 11 yr. old child, she tends to think more like an adult a lot. Just to add, as an answer to a question posted, I don't see any signs of drug or alcohol abuse, but who ever really knows? Your child can leave the house and do things while they're gone that you aren't even aware of. But when she is home, she is not showing withdrawal symptoms or anything visible. I believe her anger issues began as a benign thing when she was younger and intensified to a serious degree now that she is older. I suppose since I wasn't really "there" for her for so long, to set boundaries and garner respect by putting my foot down, she takes it for granted that everything will go her way or everyone will suffer.
Another thing that is probably the most important issue to address is my depression(or bipolar?) As awful as it is to say, I wish I had some of the manic part going on, as I would not have laid in bed for so many years, not doing anything. It may have at least kept my home from getting to this point. I do know from what I've read and come to understand, that SSRI's taken by bipolar patients can cause a manic phase, if they are merely misdiagnosed with major depression. I do think that those periods of insomnia and intense cleaning were manic. The antidepressent didn't help with my depression, but began a manic phase that wouldn't let up. I couldn't sleep at all, I would be up at 3 am cleaning baseboards with a toothbrush, completely reorganizing things, etc. There was no stopping me. I spent money I didn't have, let bills go, wrote bad checks for things I didn't even want or need. Then I began drinking, every day. I was drunk every day by the time my husband came home, which was anywhere from 3:30-4:30pm. I drove drunk at night to get more beer several times. This just was not me. Not at all. I guess I drank to feel happy and not depressed. I really don't know. Then it was so easy and unemotional for me to think of , then attempt suicide. Just like doing a chore, it had no real meaning for me. It was a way out of pain and hurt and it was a surefire way to stop the insomnia. But truly, after I quit taking the Prozac, all the symptoms went away. I felt myself again. I was not depressed, nor was I manic. I didn't drink or shop for stupid and unneccessary things. I just lived a happy life where I did normal household chores, cooked meals, and finally slept at night.
I know meds work for some, I'm sure. But recently, I have come to realize from talking to several people on antidepressents, that they are still depressed and down. Very down sometimes, if not a lot of the time. My best friend has been on various ones for years and seems more depressed on a regular basis than I am on a really bad day. Now she is on two different ones, and is still always worrying and crying, but functional. Her daughter has been on them, tried various ones to find the right one, and it is always an issue just to get her to be able to go to school because of the anxiety and depression she feels. Another friend of the family has been on various types and still feels down most of the time. I could go on to mention others I've spoken to, but I hope you understand. From those that I personally know who have been through the gamut of medications and combinations, they feel no better or different than they did before. When I include my own horrible experience with them, and how I was, it is not a path I want to take. The anxiety meds I take now, along with my blood pressure meds generally help, especially with the shaking from my thyroid problem and the anxiety and palpitations also. I do feel that therapy would help, but what insurance we do have only covers 50%, which I cannot make up the difference for financially. I always wonder if my thyroid were killed off by irradiation, if I would feel better in general. But the only endoctrinologist in our area says I'm not a candidate and only put me on pills to regulate my thyroid output and levels for a few months(that was several years ago).
Sorry to go on so. Thank you all so much for the lift up and the advice. I want to say a special thank you to Pegasus48 for what was said about my depression. You are the first person to actually say to me that it is not my fault for becoming depressed, and that I shouldn't have to apologize for it or feel guilty for it. To say that I'm a precious and worthwhile human being makes me cry as I sit here. Thank you for those words, they mean a great deal to me. I don't mean to just single you out, as so many others have been so compassionate and understanding, making me feel as if I have a sort of new "home" here. Many of the things said have made me think and have been very emotionally helpful. I guess you hit a nail on the head and touched my heart with your words in a different way. I do have a habit of guilt and blame that I carry for just about anything that goes wrong around me and it can be overwhelming. Thank you for those words. Thank you all for your words of help and encouragement. You are wonderful to welcome me here. I am so thankful.
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Post by creativechaos on Jul 31, 2008 11:34:42 GMT -5
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Post by houseworkhater on Aug 3, 2008 0:15:54 GMT -5
not much time now, but wanted to send hugs and support your way...from what i've read, it sounds like you are ready to make changes and will be successful at it! please keep us posted -- i care!
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Post by Platypus on Aug 3, 2008 9:43:49 GMT -5
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