MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611 
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Post by MiSC on Jul 3, 2010 22:44:17 GMT -5
This afternoon I was standing at the sink doing dishes while talking to my husband....
And that's it. That's the weird part.
a) I was doing dishes
b) I was doing it with Mr. MiSC standing there, watching me. For some reason I get locked up when he's here. It's insane, because you couldn't ask for a more supportive, appreciative person, but I just don't want him to SEE me cleaning. It's the weirdest damned thing, and what a way to self-sabotage, eh?
This occurred to me while I was doing it, and it was a very weird feeling. "If I just keep going I don't have to look up and make eye contact."
You want to talk about some messed up thought processes about cleaning?? Messed Up R' Us.
By the way, I'm naming Mr. MiSC. He is no longer Mr. MiSC. He is now Colin.
So I was standing at the sink, doing dishes and talking with Colin.
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Post by peppermint66 on Jul 3, 2010 23:08:04 GMT -5
hello Colin! From pepper in NY!
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Post by peppermint66 on Jul 3, 2010 23:14:30 GMT -5
Misc,
For the longest time, I felt exactly the same way. I didnt want ANYONE else in the house if I was going to clean. I had to do it my way or no way. I did not want someone looking over my shoulder and saying "You are not doing that right." For me I guess that comes from always feeling mediocre. No matter what I did , I felt it was never good enough no matter how others around me saw it. They could tell me I did something perfectly and I still wouldnt feel it was good enough. I don't ever remember being made to feel that way through words or actions, it's just how ive always perceived myself.
The change for me in being able to clean with someone else in the house came as I realized i couldn't do it alone, nor should I have to. There were two adults in the house both responsible for the mess.Until I could voice exactly what I needed help with, I was not able to have anyone else there. I still struggle with this at times, but it has improved dramatically from how it used to be.
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Jul 3, 2010 23:18:45 GMT -5
Misc, For the longest time, I felt exactly the same way. I didnt want ANYONE else in the house if I was going to clean. I had to do it my way or no way. I did not want someone looking over my shoulder and saying "You are not doing that right." For me I guess that comes from always feeling mediocre. No matter what I did , I felt it was never good enough no matter how others around me saw it. They could tell me I did something perfectly and I still wouldnt feel it was good enough. I don't ever remember being made to feel that way through words or actions, it's just how ive always perceived myself. The change for me in being able to clean with someone else in the house came as I realized i couldn't do it alone, nor should I have to. There were two adults in the house both responsible for the mess.Until I could voice exactly what I needed help with, I was not able to have anyone else there. I still struggle with this at times, but it has improved dramatically from how it used to be. But that's not it. Colin would never say, "You're not doing that right" or even "If you do it like this it might save you some time..." Not unless he perceives that I'm really open to it. I don't mind at all when he cleans. He can put stuff wherever he likes. If I can't find it I'll ask and he'll tell me. No big deal. I just don't want him to witness me cleaning, and I haven't got one clue why that is. I have theories about everything considering my mess and clutter -- except that one. No idea whatsoever. |
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Post by Arid on Jul 4, 2010 4:11:21 GMT -5
Does your DH work outside the home, MiSC? I think that sometimes, we get caught up in the thought, albeit unconsciously, that since our DH's do their work all day long before coming home, *we* should have all *our* work done before they get there. They shouldn't be witnessing our doing work that *should* have been done long before. We should be little June Cleavers, wearing a nice housedress, high heels and pearls, with a well-balanced, well-cooked meal all ready to be placed on the dining room table the minute our marvelous DHs walk through the door!! However, I know for a fact that in my own case, it very much is a case of my not being able to stand having someone looking over my shoulder and telling me that "you're not doing it right!" I had plenty of that kind of criticism while I was growing up. Then, along came DH, who--while very kind and caring--was quick to point out "more efficient ways" in which I could do things. G-r-r-r-r!!! After "getting his head taken off" more than once by me, he doesn't volunteer such information very much any more.  !! Arid |
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Post by mrsmess on Jul 4, 2010 7:16:03 GMT -5
Oh I sooooooo wish my DH worked out of home!! Mine has always worked from home and I crave a few moments to myself with nobody in the house. I can't get away with doing nothing all day because he always knows if I am doing nothing.  |
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Post by dtesposito on Jul 4, 2010 7:30:33 GMT -5
Mrsmess, if your husband is giving the proper attention to his own job, how is he able to know you're in another room not doing anything??? Maybe he needs to work harder.  And MiSC, how did it feel this time when you realized you were washing dishes and talking to him? (other than weird) Maybe it's just because you feel inadequate about your cleaning, and you're afraid that when he sees you cleaning he'll be reminded of that. I think of that because I remember the way I (and so many other people who struggle with weight) felt when I was heavier and would eat in public. Even if I was just eating some healthy, normally sized portion at a normal meal time, I felt self conscious about it, because people would see me and say--yeah, that's why she's fat, she EATS. Diane |
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Post by fluffernut - now Jannie on Jul 4, 2010 8:50:21 GMT -5
How about a name for mrs. MISC? By the way, I like having "company" watching while I do chores. Just last week Mr. Fluffernut watched me load dishes in the dishwasher and told me "Don't let those 2 plates lean together. I felt insulted and said "from now on, you're The Lord of The Dish washer." He got real quiet, and I contin ued loading my way.
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Post by eagle on Jul 4, 2010 9:05:24 GMT -5
I love it when Hubby and I clear the dinner table and rinse off the dishes together, and fill the dishwasher together. That's one of the things I am totally comfortable with regarding having him around when I clean. But he's not watching. He's doing. We're both doing.
When we paint, though, walls and such, we don't work so well together. I suppose that can be changed, too.
I do prefer to do a lot of my housework when he is not present, though. Not that I am concerned anyone will tell me I'm doing it wrong, but because it's easier to move about the place, make as much racket as I want, etc. when alone.
Actually, it kind of irritates me when I clean and someone just sits there. And if I am just sitting there and someone else is cleaning it makes me feel like I should get up and clean. So there might be a bit of sensitivity to other's tied into not wanting someone else around when I clean.
Re: working from home or being around all the time (define retirement): Don't like it at all. My husband used the dining room table (ignoring the fact that he has an office with a desk all to himself) for several months while workking for the census last year. He came and went, often at home talking on the phone to people in the field while filling in paperwork (reports and such). I SO hated that. I was so glad when he was out in the field or off doing training and so forth. But the unpredictability of his hours away and the mess he created while working at home, just got on my nerves something awful.
It's hard to clean in peace when someone is creating a mess all around you and/or talking on the phone constantly, so noise levels can be an issue.
Of course, I have no idea why it would bother you to be watched while cleaning. My second husband used to watch me do aerobics. Just stand there for an hour watching me. It was disconcerting at first, but I had to learn to focus on what I was doing to get the benefit I was after and pretty soon I barely noticed. Maybe you could draw on some of your past experience related to performing before an audience when you were on stage?
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MiSC
Banned
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,611
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Post by MiSC on Jul 4, 2010 10:39:34 GMT -5
...And MiSC, how did it feel this time when you realized you were washing dishes and talking to him? (other than weird) Maybe it's just because you feel inadequate about your cleaning, and you're afraid that when he sees you cleaning he'll be reminded of that... Okay, I think I just nailed it. It's.... >drumroll< ... Accountability. If he sees me doing it once, he'll get his hopes up and I'll just let him down again in the future. I struggle with that day in and day out. He asks SO little of me. He pretty much indulges me in every whim. He's gentle, kind, hardworking, responsible, stable, funny, patient, open and a million other things, and I can't do this ONE THING for him, and for our whole family. My best friend used to come over occasionally and help me pick up, or even just sit there and talk to me while I did it, and I had no problem at all with that. I was thinking about that when I posted my original post in this thread last night. It's lacking faith in myself. That's why I can't stand being seen by Colin. And fluffernut, just call me Missy.  |
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Post by success19 on Jul 4, 2010 14:34:59 GMT -5
Hey hand him a dish towel and let him dry the dishes and put them away!
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Post by Meme on Jul 4, 2010 21:18:34 GMT -5
wow-- I am so glad you told us this as I too suffer from the same problem-- I could never clean with hubby in house or area and he too was supportive and often offer to help--- then along came Miss Ashley and I seemed to suffer the same problems-- she was/is supportive but she would not offer to help-- -- she is allergic to house chores! now she is gone I have accomplished many things I could have done with her here and also could have used her muscles--- I have tried to think the problem out in my head but cannot come up with an answer---even when I worked outside of the home I found I did my best when alone--- maybe we can talk it out here and see why we suffer in this area--- hugs from Meme |
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Post by Chris on Jul 4, 2010 22:24:17 GMT -5
I really don't like anyone around me when I'm working. I definitely don't like to work "with" anyone. Which is funny/odd because about twice a week I go with my friend and my SIL to clean a house -- but we each have our assigned tasks, and an established pattern so although we're working around each other we're minding our own tasks too except we team up to make the beds -- which are normally gigantic ones. The cleaning in other peoples homes seems like different somehow (oh could it be I make $10+ an hour?)-- although I feel very squirmy and odd if the homeowners watch me clean even though I have a quite a bit of confidence in how I do things. Here at home, I just NEED to work alone. My husband is OKEY DOKEY about that. He is allergic to housework. My MIL on the other hand, when she's here needs her self and her hands to be right in the middle of what I'm doing. Which is a real stressor for me. She washes the dishes. And if I don't dry them she will dry them (NOTE: I hate drying dishes I believe they should air dry) -- so it's a daily 3 times a day thing ... we don't agree on how things are to be done and I have not been comfortable with her (at 90) doing all the dish washing and then trying and putting them up so I feel forced to dry. Plus that way I can make sure they are clean and they are not often clean -- this is a visual problem I am sure. I do the vacuuming, dusting, all the sorting and washing of clothing, but MIL likes to fold. Sometimes I have the patience for it -- usually I do have the patience to bring her the towels and let her do those but my clothing I like a certain way and I don't like it to take 3 hours. The table, counters, floors, windows, all of that I do -- and I find it challenging because DH and MIL don't wipe the table after they eat. So I end up wiping it several times. I also take out trash in all the waste baskets, and take the main trash to the cart and to the curb. Come to think of it maybe I like doing this stuff alone because I am usually so ticked off that I have to do it all and I get huffy and don't behave real well. And I don't like showing a grumpy side. So I prefer to work alone. Whenever I'm left alone to do things and I don't feel rushed or watched, then I do much better with trash and laundry and clean up. I've even been known to enjoy it if I'm really sure no one is going to interfere. My Mom is a real hard core perfectionist -- I have those tenancies as well but I hate for anyone to tell me how or when to do anything which all who live with me tell me constantly. Yet I don't seem to be able to impose even one of my "rules" like air drying the dishes.  I don't know, maybe for me it's like a control issue. I want to control what little I can since I feel controlled a lot? I'm not sure. I know I've tried a lot of different things. Like cleaning at night when the rest were all in bed. That didn't seem like much fun at all. I also like to clean and do laundry in sprees. I like long periods of time with no working -- no cooking, no cleaning, no nothing except fun or creative stuff so I don't like anyone seeing if I've left dishes in the sink or work undone. I often think I was meant to live alone. I do remember being criticized real harshly by both parents as to how I did things when doing chores as a kid. I'm so bad now that at times I tell everyone just leave me alone. I can't stand working with an audience.  |
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Post by eagle on Jul 5, 2010 15:38:30 GMT -5
I agree with you, Chris, those dishes are better left to air dry. But at 90 years of age, it sure is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. It's nice that she taught you some valuable lessons regarding sewing. Maybe you could mention to her that you read an article that shows how new scientific evidence shows air drying dishes is more sanitary and that might help convince her to leave the dishes to dry on their own. Still some people just feel compelled to grab a dish towel and dry them off.
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Post by puppybox on Jul 5, 2010 15:43:49 GMT -5
I don't like it when people watch me clean either. for me its like going to the bathroom- something you do when you don't have company in sight!
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