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Post by sunshineshouse on Jul 12, 2010 10:30:10 GMT -5
First off, I want to thank those wonderful folks who have visited my blog (Welcome to Sunshines House - I have no idea how to shortcut to it) and who have given me much-needed encouragement. The short story is that I had moved into my fiance's house as an escape from my broken-down and hoarded house. In the time that I had lived with him, I was able to do some work on my own house. It's still broken-down and hoarded but less so. Well the relationship ended and I recently was asked to leave his house - no, I really wasn't asked, but I just went "home" one day and he had changed the locks and had started packing my and my kids' things and putting them in the yard. This after a decade together. I honestly feel little emotion about the end of the relationship (the last few days made sure of that), but I am very depressed about being back in my house. I had done a lot of work in clearing out rooms at my house but with bringing our things back from the Ex's, it is all piled up again. I'm aching and bruised from moving furniture and packing and unpacking in all hours of the day and night.
I am still without running water in the house, and although we are managing with toting of water and showers at gym/work/relatives' and friends' houses, this cannot continue. I feel like such a failure at everything right now. That about sums it up.
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Post by messymimi on Jul 12, 2010 10:45:50 GMT -5
Dear Sunshine,
One ended relationship does not make you a failure. A hoarded house doesn't make you a failure. Lack of running water doesn't make you a failure.
You haven't failed, because you aren't going to stop trying.
Be very gentle with yourself emotionally right now. Don't stop tossing stuff, don't give up on getting the house in better and better shape. But let each tiny step forward in these areas, or any others where you make progress, reinforce your belief that you are not a failure.
Is the water not on simply because you haven't had time to get it turned back on? Or is there something wrong with the system?
If the former, break the task of getting the utility back on into steps -- look up the number, check online to find out how much deposit money you need, etc.
If the latter, then keep taking needed steps toward getting the house in better shape so that you can have repair people come in. Also, keep in mind what was discussed in this thread, about how repair people actually think about our messes:
takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=11138&page=1
You can deal with this. No, you can't deal with everything all at once, and you don't have to. You don't have to declutter all at once. You don't have to be perfectly moved back in just in the course of one day.
You can deal with it one task at a time. So that it doesn't seem so overwhelming, and doesn't make you so tired.
messymimi
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Post by sparkle on Jul 12, 2010 12:45:30 GMT -5
Good morning, sunshine. Bless your heart. Here's that link to your blog. takeonestepatatime.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=11158What a trooper. I wish I was there to help you with some of it. If nothing else, we could have some good laughs at the absurdities. I think lack of water is about the hardest thing of all to do without and what you're doing is the only way I know of to handle it. It's amazing what you've managed to accomplish without it. I'm going to put on my thinking cap today and see if anything helpful dribbles out of my mind to pass on to you. Don't give up. We'll figure this out. |
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Post by Chris on Jul 12, 2010 12:50:53 GMT -5
Moving house under any circumstances would make you tired -- and being tired or hungry or angry or lonely -- (HALT hungry, angry, lonely, tired) are 4 human conditions that can really magnify and distort our feelings of failure etc. Take some time to rest and after your body has rested some your outlook will improve a little just because you won't be as beat tired. I realize the rest won't take away the plumbing problem or the remaining hoard. But you will be in better spirits to start digging out some more and saving up for repairs, making room for the repair people etc. You can do this. You're not alone at all because you have us here. It sounds encouraging that you already worked on the excess stuff quite a lot while living elsewhere -- so you're not returning to as much stuff. And every item, every bag gone counts. Good luck to you  |
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Post by downandout on Jul 12, 2010 15:50:19 GMT -5
moving under happy circumstances is hard enough but under stressful bad conditions well its a real bear. i understand your depression but believe me it will get better! you are not a failure!! yes getting the water working again will not only make your life easier but will help with your depression too. do you know (basically) whats wrong with it? sometimes small repairs seem undoable but you would be surprised what you can do - especially with use of the internet. you can look up anything! i wish i could give you a real hug but im afraid this will have to do  |
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Post by def6 on Jul 12, 2010 17:02:45 GMT -5
Hey SS House!
I'm so sorry dear Sunny about everything that is happening to you right now. I remember, you joined here about the same time I did, so I really follow your posts. I hope you will find the strength to get your life"livable" my this I mean necessities ; shelter, water, electricity, phone and transportation. All of these things are really all you need to get by for now. Just cover the basics for now. I would totally freak if I was put out of my house of 10 years-I don't even think that is legal (most states require tenant laws to be followed) But in this case you are better off getting out(you don't want things to get violent) Anyway, just work along on what you need to do-you'll make it!
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Post by sunshineshouse on Jul 14, 2010 10:41:27 GMT -5
Thank you If I didn't have you all here, I would feel as if I had no one in the world who cares about me. I had written a long reply yesterday, and I guess my login was timed out, and the reply vaporized. I felt too defeated to start over. I went home from work and had a pretty miserable night. I did some work up in the hot attic putting clothes away and then my daughter asked me if I had a chance yet to look at her final project from her school year. With everything going on lately I hadn't. So I sat down in her room to take a look. It was a portfolio of some of her different short writings and reflections assigned in her English class. I went through it page by page, but I couldn't finish looking at it because it was making me really upset. I put the book down and went into the living room to the one spot I could sit down and had a good long cry. My daughter had written about her "crazy family" and how she and her siblings had been involved in a custody battle, and how I called the cops on her dad, and how there was screaming and fighting and that I told her to lie to her dad. In another writing, she tells about her favorite vacation - the one she took recently with her grandparents to see her cousins and aunts and uncles. Another writing tells of one of her favorite memories - her grandmother taking her to the beach. In a list of things she didn't like were living at her mom's fiance's house. On a list of things she does like is her aunt's house in the summer. If I didn't feel like a failure before, this just cemented it. I thought of all the summer vacations I took my kids on, all the places I took them on weekends for fun, all the things I work to provide for them - cars, phones, clothes and on and on. I felt so horrible that the only thing about me in her portfolio was that I told her to lie. I sat there and cried and thought about how I went back to work full-time when my kids were small so that we could have medical coverage. I was and still am sad that I missed so much time with them because I was working - at one time I was working full time and two part-time waitressing jobs in order to pay off bills. My ex-husband never stepped up to his responsibilities as a husband and father, plus he got to be a very nasty and controlling person. He also got us into financial trouble more than once, and I realized that I needed to split from him in order to have a chance for a peaceful, stable life for my kids. It was not without some very rough patches, but I thought that overall I had done the best for them that I could. My daughter came out to the living room and saw me crying. She asked why and I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She asked if it was about the Ex-fiance. No. She asked why I wouldn't tell her. I said she would only get annoyed and angry at me. She asked if it was about her portfolio and of course she got annoyed and angry at me. She said - Didn't you notice that on the first page I wrote about how you read to me every night? The vacation was the most recent one, that's why she wrote about it. And the crazy family was an assignment and she had written in the past about other family members and wasn't it true anyway? Then she said I made her feel like a horrible person. I told her that it just made me upset - for all I have done for her, I didn't expect praise, but the negative stuff just was too much. She was mad at me. If I hadn't been already in such a low place, it wouldn't have affected me as much - it would still be upsetting though. But knowing that her clothes are mostly in storage, her room is in disarray and I have no workable kitchen to make her food or washer to wash her clothes - what kind of mother am I? I'm going to read your replies again and respond - and get some teabags to put on these puffy eyes of mine. |
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Post by gottaproblem on Jul 14, 2010 12:38:04 GMT -5
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Post by def6 on Jul 14, 2010 19:10:16 GMT -5
Boy, Moms get such a bad rap sometimes! Kids have a funny way of doing that. In Fact, being Mommy can be a thankless job! I've been there honey. The truth is DD can't possibly empathize with you at this time. Sometimes I feel like "doormat" is printed on my forehead as well. It won't be long until she says or does something that will make it all better-she won't mean to though-just like she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. This too shall pass.
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Post by Chris on Jul 15, 2010 7:05:15 GMT -5
sunshineshouse I believe that the only time kids will ever understand us is if/when they are in similar circumstances with similar resources which, if we're honest we never want them to have to suffer the things we've been thru so hopefully they'll never have to understand fully the things we did and didn't do. If that makes any sense. Just take each day and be the best person you can be -- that's the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids. What's in the past is really not as important as the present moment. Things written are much like thoughts - transitory - you wouldn't want someone to feel sad about something you'd thought/said/written -- so if possible just find a way to let it go -- the words your DD wrote. There is much more in her heart than just what was in the portfolio. I've always destroyed my journals because I didn't want to hurt anyone with some of the things I've written. I can understand feeling bad after reading the stuff -- but the best possible way to overcome it I think is to take each moment and make it the best you can -- stay in the present as much as possible. The thing I've come around to in regard to my son is that his experience is totally different than mine and that I did the best I could always in being his mom (still am doing my best - he's 24 and out on his own now) and I should try not to judge myself harshly for any of it. It will be ok. Just tell her you love her - that's all that matters anyway. And it's highly possible that everything that is to come from this day forward will be better than the past stuff anyway - especially if you can stay focused and move toward a more calm, peaceful home life for you and your daughters.  |
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jul 15, 2010 8:15:11 GMT -5
Hi sunshine! I'm sorry you feel bad and of course your daughter cannot possibly know what you've been through. ... But .... You know it's healthy that your daughter is writing about her feelings and experiences. Very healthy for her -- even if it's just because she's writing something that is required by her school. I think it would help if you said something honest like, " I feel very sad. But ... I'm glad you're able to write about your life and not keep it all bottled up inside." I think a good chunk of the world's people have "crazy families" (No idea what percentage, but I'll bet it's higher than we realize). When a child can write about it, she will grow up with a sense of herself as a person -- aware of her history, but independent from it. Remember that it might have been very scary/brave for her to approach you and show your her writing. The fact that she wanted to share it with you ... indicates that she trusted you and wanted to share something of herself with her. You can thank her for that honor. I'm NOT suggesting that you be all "happy-happy-joy-joy" -- you can be yourself. But it would be good to acknowledge her gift of the vulnerability of sharing with you, as well as her skill in writing. At a later date, but not right this minute, you might even share with her something from your own early life that she might not be aware of ... as a way to show that you're human, too. But not as a competition with her as to who had it roughest. I know many adults today who would have benefited, if they had been able, WHILE they were growing up, to write about their feelings about their family experiences. But they didn't know how, and bottled it all up, and ended up with all sorts of emotional/mental problems as adults ... that took lots of counseling (and/or Al-Anon) to resolve.  None of this means that YOU are bad! It just means that you have a daughter who can write about her experiences and feelings!My dear Sunshine, I've been following your posts since the former forum at Squalor Survivors. (I'm sorry I haven't been to your blog -- nothing personal -- I visit only a few of the many many blogs here ... I'm just too overwhelmed to read them all). I am glad to see you posting here on the main forum. I remember the state of your home from when you first posted about it a few years ago (before you moved in with your "recently-ex-fiance"). I do hope that you can get your utilities fixed. Heat, running water, electricity, and whatever (gas/electric) to power your stove. And hot water. (and, depending on your climate, air conditioning). I'm not sure which of these are currently functional. I know it will take a lot of steps to clear the way for repairpersons to come. I also know that you can do it, if you work at a moderate self-respectful pace. Currently you have shelter. You will gradually make it into HOME. Most importantly, I hope you can forgive the past, and begin to embrace the future. Whatever you may have done, or may have failed to do, those actions are in the past. Now is the time to embrace hope and move forward. Much love, Lioness - |
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Post by moggyfan on Jul 15, 2010 10:07:43 GMT -5
I don't have children, but I've been a high-school English teacher for 35 years.
You would not BELIEVE the number of kids who write essays bemoaning their lives, the failings of their parents, the fact that mom was never "there for them" (yeah, no kidding--she was out earning the money to purchase that friggin' iPod in your pocket!), etc. etc.
The most memorable example was a young lady whose quinceanera happened to be scheduled for September 15, 2001. Her essay left me with the distinct impression that the biggest tragedy of 9-11 was that it ruined her quince.
Anyway, my point is that teenagers are natural dramatists who see themselves as the center of the universe. Life will teach them otherwise soon enough. Try not to dwell too long on what she wrote. I know it feels hurtful, but truly, the only difference between you and every other parent is that you actually read the stuff.
And as others said, it's probably a good sign that she trusts you enough to share her papers.
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escape
New Member
Joined: August 2008
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Post by escape on Jul 15, 2010 10:32:18 GMT -5
Dear, sweet, Sunshine,
I am that favorite auntie. Let me tell you my secret. I'm around a few hours a week, and we're almost always doing something fun when I am. I didn't change the poopy diapers, make the house rules or have to work three jobs to keep her fed & healthy. She sees me only in the best of times, and has never been affected by our mundane struggles.
Her parents are doing the real work. Providing a living, enforcing bedtime, taking her to the doctor for those scary shots, telling her she can't have yet another kitty, making her clean her room & wear clothes & shoes outdoors. She thinks almost every moment with me is sublime, because with her parents providing the necessities, we have plenty of time to do fun, intersting things. Mom's on kid duty 24/7. Dad works a demanding full time job. I show up on my day off to play. Of course she "loves" me best.
So please, please don't be upset that your daughter had a better time with her aunt & cousins than she does at home. It's like comparing "loving" to be pampered at a hotel on vacation to doing the chores every day at home. It's the day to day living that's most important in life. Be happy she has a good time with family, but know that it's everything _you_ do for her that makes that time & happiness possible.
Also, pretty please try not to tell your daughter, "I don't want to talk about it." While very true, she seems to react badly to it & takes it as a personal attack. "I'm exhausted & emotional right now" or "my feelings are raw from all the stuff going on" would be equally true, and might help you to be gentler with each other.
Above all, try to stop blaming yourself (& letting your kid blame you) for the craziness surrounding you. You didn't intend for all this to happen. You made decisions that seemed logical & beneficial at the time. Most worked out, some didn't. Use the knowledge you gained to make better decisions in the future, but spend your energy making things better in the here & now. Instead of "I've failed" try "that really sucks, lets fix it." As Lioness said, you only fail if stop trying. You've already proven you never stop trying!
Gentle hugs & support,
-escape
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Post by puppybox on Jul 15, 2010 11:32:04 GMT -5
dear sunshine.
your ex sounds very cold.
you deserve wonderful things. I'm sorry you have so much on your plate now, it natural to feel tired and discouraged.
much love from puppy. my doggies send you a lick and a wiggle too.
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Post by sunshineshouse on Jul 16, 2010 14:26:20 GMT -5
mimi, wg, chris, downandout, def6, angelpuss, gottaproblem, lioness, moggyfan, escape, puppy .... you are the best. A few days have passed, and my DD seems to have let the whole thing go, as have I. Soon I will be more level-headed and tell her that I think she did a great job on the project, and apologize for my silliness. Your thoughts and comments really hit the mark. Emotions have clouded my thinking, and I'm strengthened by knowing that I have you to pull me along as I muddle through for now. Work at Casa Sunshine continues. I worked on a pile in front of my kitchen last night. I hope to actually be able to get IN the kitchen over the weekend. A few months back, I had started cleaning out the fridge that hadn't been emptied in, well, over a year. Over two years. I don't think it's been three, but maybe it has. I cleaned out shelf #1 and shelf #2 and most of the door contents. If I can get shelf #3 done, I can at least having a usable fridge which will help me feel better about the "what kind of mom am I" thing. Oh, I have no water because one of the pipes in a radiator froze - because I had no heat. I didn't discover all this until the spring thaw, since I hadn't been to the house much. I had a good friend come to my house and turn off the water for me (I actually had him close his eyes and led him to the basement). I am fortunate in that he offered to help fix the pipe, but I need to do a lot of clearing in order for the repairs to be done. So that's where it stands right now. Love you |
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