shy
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 13
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Post by shy on Aug 4, 2008 18:10:14 GMT -5
I grew up with a neat-freak of a father who somehow kept my mother "in line," even though she was prone to be messy. I took after her in a big way.
My room was always a mess, and I lived in constant fear of Dad opening my door and then opening a bag of freak on me over its condition. Don't know how many times he threatened to kick me out, throw away precious belongings, and call me a *** good for nothing even though I couldn't make myself do anything but shove the mess into the closet and behind the bed. He always made me feel so utterly ashamed of myself.
I was molested as a child and went though untreated depression throughout my school years; I'm sure that didn't help. I reached the point that I dreaded receiving nice things because I knew I wouldn't be able to properly take care of them.
When I eventually got a boyfriend and moved in with him I thought I'd be able to start over since I had so much space for the things I collected, but it seemed to only provide more space for more careless junk. Plus he proved to have issues with cleaning as well and I suddenly found I had not only myself to pick up after, but him as well. Things got out of control rather quickly, no matter how many times I tried to put my foot down to clean and have him at least help me a little. I think I sort of broke down over that.
During that time my dad passed away, leaving my brother and I to clean out his house (which was immaculately kept). I still had boxes of stuff there, which my brother decided to sort through and use to make a judgment call on me. Was not a good time. There were also several boxes full of my mother's belongings that I was unable to make myself go through in the ten years that she had been dead. Rather than sort through them I simply moved the boxes into my apartment until I was "ready" for the task.
At one point I thought starting over and moving from our apartment to a house was the answer, but we ended up paying rent on both places for about six months while trying to priortize our belongings and move the mess. My boyfriend finally ended up paying off the apartment manager to go through it so we could finally stop paying the rent.
I was hoping to keep the new house clean, but it simply didn't happen. I did my best with what little space we had but would easily get overwhelmed. I never even invited my best friend over, even though she'd grown up in a house much much worse (which I'd seen for myself). Anyway, I eventually broke up with that boyfriend and was unable to make myself sort through the enormous mess he left behind and refused to help me with before he left.
Plus I had my own mess to deal with.
I've moved across the country since then, cleaning the place as best I could and only taking what would fit in my car with me. I'm living with my new boyfriend and he's been understanding about all this. We don't have a lot of stuff but we do have a mess going on. Not nearly as bad as what I left behind but nowhere near what I'd like it to be. I try to make myself clean at least a little bit every day but I feel so freakin' self-conscious about it. It doesn't help that the landlord let behind a full room of old computer parts that can't be thrown away as well as half a garage of more stuff. We don't have a whole lot of furniture yet so it makes it difficult to organize and store things. I want to try though. I think feeling organized would help in a lot of other aspects of my life. The only place I've ever had real organizational skills has been at work, so I know I'm capable of it. Sometimes I feel like my dad is looking over my shoulder, shaking his head and judging me yet again.
Most of all, I need to take care of my kitchen. It's not horribly out of control but still a bit overwhelming, especially since there's not a clean dish in site. If I could get myself started on those and the counters so I have a place to cook a healthy meal instead of going out all the time. . . maybe I could lose some weight?
Doesn't help that I'm sooooo claustrophobic, makes it really hard to deal with the messes as well. I hate feeling like I'm hiding and feeling powerless to do anything about it. Anyway, glad to have found this site and hopefully I can find some strength and courage to face my demons and deal with the problems at hand.
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Post by glowworm on Aug 4, 2008 20:41:00 GMT -5
Hi, and welcome. You have come to the right place.  |
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Post by zinnia on Aug 4, 2008 20:54:37 GMT -5
Most of all, I need to take care of my kitchen. Oh, yes- I know what you mean. The condition of the kitchen affects stress AND health & finances. Welcome! |
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Post by crazycatlady on Aug 4, 2008 21:07:33 GMT -5
I guess the thing that comes to mind for me is to reassure you that it is really perfectly ok to live in a total mess. Really. I did it for years. Maybe before you can try to "fix" the mess, you could just realize that many lovely people (like you) live in or used to live in deep squalor. While it is ok to want to change it, it is really ok to be a messy.
Welcome to SooS...I hope that you will continue to post so we can become friends!
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Post by pegasus48 on Aug 4, 2008 23:37:25 GMT -5
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Post by creativechaos on Aug 5, 2008 14:45:38 GMT -5
hi shy; have you checked out listzilla and working in threes yet? It can be a great help when you feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do next. It helps us all break things down into baby steps, and posting our ta-das and to-dos shows that we really get things done.
The dishes, for instance; your to-dos could start out like this:
1. empty dishes out of sink
2. rinse and clean sink
3. fill dish tub with hot soapy water
then if you do them (or 3 other things) post your ta-das. then 3 more to-dos:
1. wash a dish
2. wash a cup
3. wash a knife, fork, and spoon
see? anyone can get things done that way, one baby step at a time!
Then see about getting the landlord to deal with the computer parts and take them out of there. If you are paying rent, you should have the whole place, not someone else's junk to deal with, so the landlord's junk is the landlord's responsibility.
Best of luck to you; you're in the right place!
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Post by AnnieOkie on Aug 5, 2008 15:15:44 GMT -5
Welcome shy, from one newbie to another. I just joined yesterday and I am so excited to begin this journey. I don't know why it took joining a message board for me to get a start on this, but if that's what it is going to take, then that's what I'll do! For once, I don't feel like I am the only one in the world dealing with this problem I have. I have seen myself in a lot of posts here....and it has only been 24 hours.
We can all do this together!! We are in the right place!
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Post by pianobirdy on Aug 6, 2008 1:51:02 GMT -5
Shy, you are among caring people here, and I'm so glad that you found this site. We all have a connection here with our messes and our clutter, even though each one's clutter is pieced together with different threads. We can bare all here, without fear of being judged or looked down upon. It is good that you are here. Welcome! I can totally relate to the claustrophobia that you mention. So many times throughout the years as I have hidden the "real" me from family and co-workers (no true and close friends because of my cluttered home, though many acquaintances), I felt smothered, claustrophobic in my own home, without even being able to describe it. I just knew I was suffocating emotionally, and sometimes physically when the anxiety attacks snuck up on me. It truly is a feeling of being too closely enclosed, and the feeling of not being able to completely stretch out in any direction. The result is to simply curl up in a ball, physically and mentally. I am new here, too. During the week I have been coming to this site, I have felt the suffocation slowly moving out from me, moving downward and away. There is an element of freedom in being able to open the curtain, so to speak, that has hidden my secret for all of these years. Posting, sharing, and reading what others have shared is a way of pulling back that curtain. As this freedom slowly moves in to replace my claustrophobia, I am finding it a little easier to create small spaces of peace and calm in my home (and I mean itty-bitty spaces of peace!). I initially created a peaceful space on one side of my bed in my bedroom. One cleared surface on my dresser plus one empty chair plus one clear path to that side of the bed meant so much. It meant a beginning. I could begin to inhale and exhale in that space. I had somewhere to actually sit down. And viewing the rest of the room from that vantage point felt different, better. What I saw as I looked around was perhaps not what I wanted to see (all of the piles and clutter), but I could begin to accept that hey -- this is my room and my stuff, and it's OK. I can expand my itty-bitty peaceful space whenever I want just by moving something or throwing away a few things at a time, at my own pace. I'm in control here. You'll sort through your mother's things when you're ready. My mom passed two years ago, and I have an entire house in a town 90 miles away that I haven't been able to go through yet (I'm an only child, so there's just me to do it). I haven't been able to explain it to my husband when he occasionally asks whether I'm going to sell her things and which ones and when/if/why not. Sometimes, there are no words that can explain it. But I can understand how you didn't go through her stuff but simply packed it up and moved it with you. Makes a heck of a lot of sense to me.  Walk a mile in my shoes, I say, and you can say. Others can only truly understand after they've been there themselves. Emotions are quite complex. Like I said, you'll go through those boxes when you're ready, and you'll know when you're ready. Until then, those boxes will be just fine where they are. I appreciate your honesty and your courage in sharing part of your story. Your post is helping me and so many others that might not share how they've been helped by it in writing. Do not pile shame on top of your clutter, because that is a self-imposed burden that can unnecessarily break the camel's back. The state of what's inside of us internally is usually expressed in a physical way externally. In other words, the environment we create in our homes is generally a reflection of what we're feeling inside of ourselves. I believe that each little space of peace that I make in my house by throwing away and moving out unneeded and unuseful things, in turn creates a little space of peace in my head and in my heart. All the while, I must be kind to myself, and you must make sure that you are kind to yourself. Relax . . . and . . . breathe . . . . Look around you and your home. Find a few things that you know are out of place or that should be eliminated or thrown away, and deal with those few items. Acknowledge that accomplishment and smile about it. At another time, do that same thing again. And again. At your own pace. Pretty soon, you'll have a small space of peace. Later, you'll have a larger space of peace. Those little spaces will grow and grow and grow until they grow into each other to make a peaceful atmosphere throughout your entire home. You can do it. Clear the clutter and clear your mind. One little piece at a time. Thank you for your openness, Shy. Here's sending warmth and understanding, acceptance and encouragement your way! |
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druff
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 8
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Post by druff on Aug 6, 2008 6:37:41 GMT -5
Hi and a warm welcome shy, being here is the start of finding that strength and courage, just stay in touch. I´ve been a member for a couple of weeks and am already feeling the love and motivational influences of the caring and helpful members here. All my best wishes to you - we`ll get through  |
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Post by jkai3 on Aug 6, 2008 7:39:47 GMT -5
Welcome!  You have come to the most wonderful place, a place where no one will judge you, but instead will gently encourage and listen. We are blessed that you have found this site and joined us......... Jkai3:) |
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shy
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 13
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Post by shy on Aug 6, 2008 11:39:01 GMT -5
Thank you so much everyone!!! About my mom's things. . . fortunately I was actually able to make myself go through the boxes before I moved across the country. I didn't really have a choice if I wanted to hang on to anything of hers since the amount of room I had in my car was very limited. I ended up leaving a lot of things behind, whether they'd been lost in my previous move, buried somewhere in the basement, or simply didn't have the room in the car. I actually managed to clear out a great deal but didn't quite finish before leaving. . . I felt slightly sorry for the landlord but I imagine he found a few gems as he finished cleaning the place out (left a nice TV, stereo, some video game systems, furniture, etc.) The time spent in-between boyfriends was rather tough. I'd been with the ex for five years and he didn't seem to care that he was leaving me with next to nothing (unless you count the mess in the house). My car was broken down at the time, I had no job, no working phone (although I was online by modem), had run out of money covering for *his* bills on top of my own, and on top of that I was rather sick (and no medical insurance of course), not even food for the cat. . . and he argued that he owed me nothing simply because his name was not on the lease. And wouldn't you know it, the break-up happened mainly because I had finally run out of money for him to mooch and he was planning on moving back in with his mom and dad. I'd met the new boyfriend online, someone that had been my best friend for a while but ended up becoming something more. It was kind of a scary time for me,  . . . just cuz I'm a very self-conscious person in general, about my appearance and surroundings. . . he wanted me to come visit him so we could finally meet in person, and I was relieved that he wasn't coming to see me cuz there was no way I could get the house completely cleaned up on my own in time. He bought me a cell phone on his plan and had it mailed off to me so we could keep in contact with free mobile-to-mobile minutes. He became my lifeline as I attempted to put my life back together, and I gradually made myself begin to sort through the house and my world in general. I had to walk to the store in order to eat (which was probably good for me in a way, kept me from hiding and what-not). It was a very scary and lonely time for me, despite the fact that he kept me company it was all long-distance. My cat provided much-needed company as well. I gave away a lot of things, even my kitchen table and chairs, many of my collectibles, small appliances, etc. Threw out a lot of stuff too. My friend's dad helped me fix my car, but the parts took up what little money I had left. My boyfriend bought the plane tickets within a few months so we could finally meet, but a couple days before I was to leave I came home from getting some groceries I found an eviction notice on my door. I'd been unable to pay rent and was hoping to catch up with the jobh I'd lined up to start upon my return. I felt so scared and embarrassed. . . I called my boyfriend and told him about the notice; I don't think he realized how bad things had gotten at my end. He had me call the landlord and work out a deal, knowing I was doing my best to hold everything together and saying he'd help me out as best he could. Things worked out with the landlord and the visit went as planned. Spent a week with him in Vegas and he treated me like a queen. I cried when it was time to go back home (it would be a while before we could afford our own place). . . felt like I'd dove out of a wonderful fantasy land and back to my miserable reality when I arrived back to the midwest. But I started the job and did my best to regain some of my old independence. It was another five months of ups and downs before he was able to find us a place to rent; a nice-sized house owned by his boss at work. A few weeks before I'd loaded up my car with what I could and temporarily moved in with my friend in her teeny apartment. I needed to get out of that little house and away from all the bad memories there. My friend wasn't happy about me moving away from her to be with some "strange guy" but my mind was made up. I was in love and also determined to make a fresh start. So I took off to be with my guy, which was a 24-hour drive away. And my car broke down in Nebraska at the halfway point.  So there I was, stuck literally a thousand miles from the old home and the new, with what little I had left of my worldly possessions, not to mention a scared and crying, homesick cat. I couldn't board a bus unless I left my cat behind, I couldn't board a train unless I wanted to leave most of my stuff behind, the nearest car rental place was 90 miles away, the nearest airport 2 hours. . . I could have left about everything behind I guess, but not my cat, not my artwork, not my family photos. . . My boyfriend decided it was best to drive out and get me. We loaded up his car with as much as we could (ended up leaving even more stuff behind) and he had to drive the whole way back as well since I'd never driven a stick. It was a rough trip but we somehow made it home. He'd been in the middle of helping his boss clean out the house when this came up. As I was saying before, there's still a room full of old, used computer parts that we can't through out. What his boss would like us to do is sell the stuff and we could theoretically split the profit, but I have no clue what most of it even is beyond the old zip drives (wow, I'd forgotten those even existed)! It just feels like too much to deal with on top of the rest of the house, but it would make cleaning so much easier if it was simply out of the way. And my boyfriend wanted to clean more after I arrived but I'd been through so much. . . I couldn't make myself help or even watch him do it alone, I'd just beg for him to hold me after being alone and away from him for so long. And somehow. . . I find myself here a year later. We have a great relationship, and he's been very understanding of what I call my "weird quirks." This place isn't so bad and he doesn't mind, but it's far beyond what makes me comfortable. It's been so hard to try to organize and keep clean, especially when I started getting bad headaches. I used to think it was a combination of stress and climate changes and stuff but it was several months before I realized I was having a bad reaction to artificial sweeteners. I've had issues with other aspects of my life as well, just adapting in general. And without my car, we have to share his and I had to learn how to drive a stick so I could work (I babysit for his boss's kids). I had a really hard time learning for some reason, didn't help that I had to learn in big city traffic. . . I think this whole experience has sort of broken me down. I get better every day, but I still feel worn out and depressed, making it hard to do even little things and feel accomplished. As I write this, my desk is cluttered with empty cups and bottles. There's a full garbage bag behind me that I need to take out (full of more empty cups, bottles, paper plates, soda cans, etc. that I cleaned off both our desks as well as the floor). Heh heh, at least I can see the floor? I'm in dire need of shelves and other storage space, but even the idea of going out to buy some seems a little overwhelming when I don't know where I'm putting anything. About a month ago I cleaned the bedroom floor (a step in the right direction!) but it's starting to go to waste again and I need to do something about it. I cleaned one of the bathrooms recently too. . . not completely, but made a good dent in it. I really should finish that up. And yeah, the kitchen once again. Maybe a week ago I cleaned out the fridge and picked up all the trash (mostly wrappers) on the counters as I make myself do every so often. . . but yeah. . . still need to do the dishes and then scrub the place down. I need to get organized with the laundry as well. . . sigh. .. even when I make little dents in things it seems there's a dozen other things to keep me busy and behind. . . I need to go clean out and organize the garage, maybe I could create space for all those computer parts in the other bedroom, and from there maybe it would be easier to sell? But it's been way too hot to do much of anything in the garage, perhaps in a month or so when the weather cools down to something more bearable. Anyway, I'm doing a lot better when it comes to the whole "shame" thing. That was well ingrained in my head thanks to growing up with my dad. . . I can at least attempt to clean now when it used to be impossible to deal with all the guilt of the mess. It was almost like a mental block for most of my life. And yeah, with my claustrophobic nature on top of everything else. . . yes, both my body and spirit want to curl up into a ball at times. I'm better, but still not where I want to be. I think. . . that maybe I need a little push of inspiration? And knowing that I'm not alone helps, that I've gotten better little by little over time and am capable of more. Thanks for listening and especially for the replies. |
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Post by messymimi on Aug 6, 2008 15:24:05 GMT -5
Dear shy, Welcome  . This is one post I'm having a difficult time making. The issue you bring up about your father hit a very raw nerve. My father is the most born organized person I know. I have told elsewhere how, when Hurricane Katrina threatened and he and mom had to evacuate, he packed his whole life into 3 file boxes and one small valise and could have conducted any business he needed just from that. My mom is as disorganized as he is organized, and he and the housekeepers are what kept us in order growing up. When my room began to get messy, my dad would do what yours did not, that is, go in and get rid of things. Other times he went through stuff with me and decided what I could keep. Even after I went to college I would come home to stuff missing. It is a horrible, violated feeling and may be one reason I have trouble getting rid of stuff today. If you feel the kitchen is most important, then by all means tackle it first. It will indeed help you in eating better and getting fit and will have a positive impact on your health. That, in turn, makes facing those demons easier. Thanks for your honesty. It has taken me a couple of hours to reply and post, you helped bring up things I needed to face. That is part of the beauty and magic of this place. messymimi |
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shy
New Member
Joined: August 2008
Posts: 13
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Post by shy on Aug 6, 2008 17:21:28 GMT -5
Unfortunately my father sometimes carried out his threats to go through my stuff to decide what wasn't good enough for me to keep, but more often than not I just stayed shut in my room for a week or so hoping he wouldn't check on the "progress" I couldn't force myself into. I felt the need to hide what I *was* throwing away since that seemed like more fuel for his judgment, whether it be the subject matter or the amount. When I was old enough to drive I'd take little plastic grocery bags to fill them up with garbage and hide them in the trunk of car so I could throw them out elsewhere. I too found things missing from when I was away at college, including magazines, CD's & cassettes, VHS's, make-up, clothes, jewelry. . . regardless of the outcome it was pretty traumatic on my end. He felt justified because I obviously didn't care enough about my possessions to take care of them anyway. The fact of the matter was that I probably didn't care enough about myself enough in order to take care of my belongings. To this day I still have issues with people approaching my personal living space even if it was absolutely perfect condition. I can't even order food for delievery since I can't make myself answer the door; we only order if my boyfriend's there to answer. I'm surprised I can even deal with living with someone else like this, but I think he sort of becomes part of the "personal living space?" It's the equivalent of whether or not you can be naked around someone, . I know this is very difficult subject for many if not all of us, hopefully we can lighten the mood here and there. Shortly before I met my first boyfriend Dad found one of my garbage hoards in the trunk of the car before I had a chance to dispose of it elsewhere. When I couldn't explain the garbage he went inside and ransacked my room. . . which was probably one of the first times I defended myself over it. Crying, I explained that I'd been diagnosed with depression and had been seeing a therapist for a few months, and for the first time I let him know that I felt I'd been incredibly messed-up because I'd been molested by my grandfather (Mom's father, not his). A lot of things came out of me that night and I believe we came to a silent but mutual understanding. He left my room alone after that, and I moved out to be with my first boyfriend a little over a year later. He never, ever went to my apartment. . . I think he knew better and was afraid of what he might see. Anyway, I appreciate the courage you all must have had to face in some form or another to be here. |
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Post by pianobirdy on Aug 6, 2008 20:31:44 GMT -5
Good evening, Shy! I logged in to check on you and to see how you are doing. Isn't this community great? So many kindred souls to talk to and to let it all out with. It sounds like you ARE making progress with some of your clutter. Remember, that's a positive thing! -- no matter what else remains to be done. My thoughts are with you, Shy. Let your little spaces of peace inspire you to create larger spaces of peace! |
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Post by 60isolderthanithot on Aug 10, 2008 21:15:45 GMT -5
One of the tricks that helped me get ahead in the kitchen was to buy enough picnic dishes and plastic "silverware" so I could wash just a few dishes a day instead of making a new mess every day. In a week, I saw the bottom of my sink for the first time in months!
I also picked the area closest to my bed to clear up first. I chose a square foot of my night table. Just that much, no more. But somehow, in a week, that too began to widen into more and more cleared area. Now I can get to my phone any time, I don't have to search for it any more.
Laundry was something I had to wrestle with. I'm still working on it. I can't give away my mother's things, even though she passed away. I keep her closet closed. I will work on it.
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