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Post by mouse on Nov 3, 2008 9:32:30 GMT -5
Thank you for this, Lioness. I originally came across this board through an acquaintance on LiveJournal. She had been googling for a way to remove a stain from her carpet (or something similar, I forget) and stumbled across the Squalor Survivors site. She was revulsed (she was a cleanie) by the pictures and the stories, was sarcastic and mocking in her comments, and actually linked to the site in her post (her LJ has since been deleted for other reasons, so don't worry about anyone else following her links). Out of curiosity I clicked the link, and began to read. I was shocked. I wasn't shocked by the pictures in and of themselves. I wasn't shocked by the stories in and of themselves. I was shocked because I saw myself in the pictures and the stories. I was floored. Completely knocked for a loop. The word "squalor" to me implied filth and people in dire poverty living on garbage heaps. It had never occurred to me that it was a word that hit closer to home. There was a word for the way in which I was living, and the word was "squalor." For about half a day I thought I would die of shame. I kept reading, though, and realized that there were people worse off than I who had dug themselves out and were leading happy productive lives in clean homes. So I signed up on the forums and lurked for a while. I read the posts of the veterans like illuminata, vildichaya, script, pigpen, angelinahedgehog, cando, and countless others who I am likely forgetting, and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Since I joined there in November of 2006 I have dug myself out of squalor, fell back in, and dug myself out again three times. It took me a long to figure out what I was doing "wrong," and even now I am still struggling with my "addiction" to this kind of behaviour. I have to watch myself like a hawk not to let things slide "just this once," or to "do this one thing later." It's so easy to fall back into old habits. So yes, it is important to be shocked and appalled by squalor. It's also important to realize that there is a real person behind the images, with their own story, their own struggles, and to be open and welcoming while not condoning the behaviour that got them there in the first place. Once more, thank you for this. ~Mouse  |
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Post by nmf on Nov 3, 2008 9:50:24 GMT -5
I really needed this, this week.
I'll be thinking on my response, but thanks for this.
- No More Fear
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Post by AnnieOkie on Nov 3, 2008 12:32:26 GMT -5
Thank you Lioness for the insightful information.
I have noticed in my life that what people find acceptable to themselves isn't necessarily what is acceptable to others. I am just thankful that I noticed what I have allowed to happen to my home is unacceptable to me and I am slowly starting to do something about it. I hope your post is read by many, many folks in need of support and encouragement as they visit us here. Thanks again.
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Post by clearwaterush on Nov 3, 2008 21:01:31 GMT -5
I am here so that I can find help to get and keep my house organized and cleaned. I have been on other sites that were helpful. As a "newbie" I am motivated by this site and I will continue to post for support and encouragement. If I have offended anyone here I apologize.
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Nov 3, 2008 21:07:41 GMT -5
- I am here so that I can find help to get and keep my house organized and cleaned. I have been on other sites that were helpful. As a "newbie" I am motivated by this site and I will continue to post for support and encouragement. If I have offended anyone here I apologize. Thank you for posting that. That's all that needs to be said. Hugs to you.  - |
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Post by houseworkhater on Nov 4, 2008 0:28:16 GMT -5
I still think it was unneccessary and insulting. Period. I think Clearwater Rush should think before she writes/speaks. And now I see she deleted it, which proves she knows it was a mean and bitter thing to do. Maybe I am grossed out by her bed bugs and her husband's rashes and her animal feces. But I would never have said so.
I am still so mad that my blood is boiling over.
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Post by clearwaterush on Nov 4, 2008 10:08:40 GMT -5
:(My husband is slowly dying and living in squalor is not helping him. These rashes, bugs, and animal feces are indeed caused by me living in squalor. Yes, I did delete the post at the request of my therapist.
:)As a result of these wonderful people on this site, I am changing for myself, not for other people. I must be OK with myself before I can be happy with my life.
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Post by judejude on Nov 5, 2008 18:20:41 GMT -5
Lioness, that is a really inspiring post. Thanks for taking the time to post that  |
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No More Squalor
New Member
Breaking my dirty habits once and for all...
Joined: October 2008
Posts: 34
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Post by No More Squalor on Nov 6, 2008 3:34:54 GMT -5
Thank you, Lioness, for an excellent post! It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't just "messy," or "a slob," but rather living in squalor. As mouse so aptly put it:In my previous house, I had plastic grocery bags full of used cat litter piled in the downstairs bathtub, and on the bathroom floor. Every surface was covered with flyspecks, there was cat hair packed against the baseboards (in the few places where the baseboards were visible amid all the rubbish). The couch, loveseat, and both armchairs had long since vanished beneath piles of old clothes, paper, and other junk; the only place to sit and read a book was on one side of my bed (as the other was covered with books and laundry). And yet, I found myself absolutely revolted by a friend's house, in which her filthy stove had dead mice in it, and the inside of her refrigerator was full of rotting food and black with mildew, and the suspended acoustical-tile ceiling was still half-caved in after a leak that had occurred five years earlier. I honestly found myself wondering, "how can she live like that?" and then going home to my bathroom full of months-old cat poop. Even when I made an intro post here I think I might have said something like, "At least I've never had rotting food mess everywhere." Because oh, yeah Honeychild--moldy former edibles on plates or in bags all over the place is so much worse than bags of vintage animal feces neatly stacked in the bathroom.  I think that kind of judgmentalism, as well as the selective blindness to our own squalor, is part of the coping mechanisms some of us use in order to keep on living with the filth. Being able to say, "Well at least I'm not that bad," helps mitigate the shame at our own squalor (I've said it myself often enough; I know). It's another way to push it aside and not deal with it. But at the same time, it only isolates us further, and from the very people who understand that shame. And that reflexive judgment and ranking of other people's messes kept me from being shocked at my own squalor for far too long. |
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Post by clearwaterush on Nov 6, 2008 8:41:12 GMT -5
I just clicked onto your no-more-squalor site and will read it for the previous 20 days. I am very interested in it and the thoughts and your doings.
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Post by Script on Nov 6, 2008 10:06:49 GMT -5
with regards to the AA references and the comments about addiction and relapses.....
I am an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic--father) and I have read quite a lot in this area. There is one pair of terms which I came upon years ago, with regards to 'hitting bottom' for alcoholics:
high bottom vs low bottom.
High bottom: the alcholic doesn't need to sink all that low before being jolted awake by the god-awful circumstances of the drinking life. Example: Ms. A has a couple too many drinks, yet again, at the office party, and is shocked and appalled by her behaviour the next day at work. And is inspired to reform immediately.
Low bottom: the alcoholic who has to hit the absolute rock-bottom-basement of degradation before being able to change. Example: Ms. B has to end up losing her kids, sleeping on the streets, or in jail for shoplifting before she can admit she has a problem.
I find these terms very useful in thinking about attitudes to squalor. Example: my friend's AUNT was a high-third-degree squaloree who had two homes jammed to the rafters with stuff. After she died, my friend had to clean out the stuff: weeks and weeks of work. She was NOT AT ALL shocked by this mess; 'normal' people would react by going home and tossing their own clutter immediately. And now, 15 years later, Friend has two huge homes: and the only reason they are not jammed to the rafters with stuff: the family covers up for her and does a lot of decluttering behind her back. Thus, I think my friend is a 'low bottom'----- she is not even concerned that her own spouse is thinking of leaving her because of the mess.
thank you CL-SS for this great thread
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Post by lettinggo on Nov 10, 2008 3:37:14 GMT -5
This was a WONDERFUL post, Lovely Lioness. And I agree with all of it but this: - Being "shocked" by squalorRegarding "equality":In Alcoholics Anonymous they say there are many types of drunks. There is the alcoholic who drinks cheap whiskey or high-proof Thunderbird wine and lives in the gutter. There is the alcoholic who lives in a luxury home and eats fine dinners with her excessive booze. Both are still alcoholics -- and they aren't treated differently in A.A. meetings. One is either an alcoholic, or one isn't. One can't be a "partial alcoholic". So ... here at Stepping Out of Squalor .... every HUMAN BEING is equal. However, some of us have DEEPER LEVELS of "addiction" than others. In this way, we are somewhat different from alcoholics/addicts. One actually can be only "partially" squalorous. You can gradually "wean" yourself from squalorous habits. It's not something people usually go "cold turkey" with. Some of us just have a wee bit of clutter. Some of us live in deep squalor with biohazards and dangerous falling piles. --- Because you really *are* either a clutterer or not. We may all have different "bottoms", but we either are or are not. The analogy to AA would be that some people end up in prison, and some do not, but all are treated equally. Just my two cents! |
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Post by lettinggo on Nov 10, 2008 3:42:27 GMT -5
I still think it was unneccessary and insulting. Period. I think Clearwater Rush should think before she writes/speaks. And now I see she deleted it, which proves she knows it was a mean and bitter thing to do. I am still so mad that my blood is boiling over. But maybe you can be happy that she found that what she wrote was not kind, and rather than hurt anyone else, she deleted the post? Perhaps she was wrong, but maybe you could see that she might have now acknowledged that? |
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Post by houseworkhater on Nov 11, 2008 1:14:48 GMT -5
Maybe...
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Post by Ican on Dec 1, 2008 7:12:17 GMT -5
Lioness,
Thanks for posting this.
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