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Post by dayeanu on Dec 1, 2008 21:24:29 GMT -5
Like "mouse" and "no more squalor," I too was completely knocked for a loop at the idea that this was squalor. I was a "messie," or a "flybaby," but squalor??? My first intro was when I stumbled across the NSGCD website and discovered that I was somewhere between a 2 and a 3. Then I found Squallor Survivors. It just sounded so. . . nasty. I looked at some of the photos and was totally recoiled by the squallor - that was the only fitting word. Mine still doesn't look that bad to me. But here's the really sad part. The only difference in my home, and the ones in the photos, is that the sweater hanging over the edge of my sink is one I salvaged from my great-aunt's yard sale, those tissues are mine, those fast food bags are mine, and that spacd in the heap of junk is where I sleep. The only difference in their home and mine is that mine is familiar. Mine is. . . comfortable, my refuge, my security. (I say that because I cleaned my bedroom up once, and it was terrifying. I felt so out-in-the-open, so exposed in a neat, empty room. My brother, a neat-freak, pointed out that my mess is like a cocoon that I can hide in. Truthfully, if someone broke into my home, they might have a hard time finding me amid all the piles of mess. They certainly wouldn't be able to sneak up on me. More likely, an intruder would trip and hurt himself! I wonder if that is part of the reason I have it, and it is so hard to change?
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Post by Celeste on Dec 5, 2008 15:53:24 GMT -5
My brother, a neat-freak, pointed out that my mess is like a cocoon that I can hide in. <snip> I wonder if that is part of the reason I have it, and it is so hard to change? How perceptive of your brother! Former messy organizer Julie Morgenstern told Kimmy (that's the owner of the pictures you were perusing) that if she was using her mess as a cocoon to feel safe, that she wouldn't feel comfortable cleaning it all up at one time. Julie suggested Kimmy clean her home by increments to get use to each stage before moving on to the next. It is less traumatic. That's something you might want to consider as an alternative to the all-or-nothing cleaning we all tend to champion. |
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Post by AnnieOkie on Dec 5, 2008 16:27:22 GMT -5
_Celeste_ wrote:"Julie suggested Kimmy clean her home by increments to get use to each stage before moving on to the next. It is less traumatic. That's something you might want to consider as an alternative to the all-or-nothing cleaning we all tend to champion. "'
Thank you for that. I never really realized I have done the same thing. Makes me realize why it is taking me so long to get my entire house done. Thanks for the insight. Increments are working for me and I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
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Post by dayeanu on Dec 9, 2008 1:20:00 GMT -5
Celeste, thank you for sharing about Kimmy's experience. In the past, I have wondered how I would cope with that frightening feeling, were I to ever actually get my home cleaned up. (And I have wondered if that is why I never have.)
I will ponder cleaning in layers, as someone on another post called it. Maybe then it won't be so frightening.
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outofchaos
New Member
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 65 
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Post by outofchaos on Dec 12, 2008 12:06:45 GMT -5
Lioness, your essay is. . .brilliant. The analogy to alcoholism is such an apt one for me; although my house is uncluttered and clean now, I feel I am a "squalorholic," just one mess (drink) away from relapse. I wonder how many of us grew up in alcoholic households, or households with some other kind of addiction or OCD. I sometimes feel like I've inherited my father's alcoholism, except it's with food - I am a compulsive overeater, which is something I'm working on, slowly (I don't really have time for cognitive behavioral therapy, but I'm following a program that starts with normalizing my relationship with food - so I eat what I want when I'm hungry, but try to not use food for anything other than satisfying hunger). Something else I'm wondering about - do any of you do things unconsciously? When I am feeling compelled to overeat, it's like I go into some kind of hypnotic state, or something, where I'm not 100% there, and just shoveling food into my mouth. I sometimes feel like I have that same sort of daze about the squalor, that I just don't see it. I can see other people's squalor, but not mine. Great post, Lion |
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Post by dayeanu on Dec 12, 2008 15:14:31 GMT -5
Outofchaos, I have often thought my squaloring was much like drinking. I did grow up in a very dysfunctional family, with my mother being something of a binge drinker, hell-raiser, and probably somewhat bi-polar.
Since I have been reading these posts, I (actually just last night), have come to realize that instead of drinking, I buy myself things, and collect things, I think to make me feel better. My family is often not very nice, so I buy myeslf stuff to be nice to me. But the end result, too much mess, is anything but nice to me. That's really a revelation for me. Next time I feel the urge to buy something, I'm going to remind myself that there are better ways I can be nice to me.
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Post by creativechaos on Dec 14, 2008 15:30:57 GMT -5
Lioness, thank you so much for this post. I have not posted for 3 months as I have been sinking from level 2 to level 3 squalor, and with that came fear, shame and hopelessness. Your articulate, honest, and authentic thoughts have helped me beyond measure. Some of the replies to your post have helped me too. I had forgotten how much of a support this was. Got really depressed and into self sabotage, and let everything go, including every bit of self-care.
That old demon, comparison, is poison. I belong here whether I'm at level 4 or dehoarded and maintaining. Once a squalorbug, always a squalorbug. Thanks so much for posting this. i'm with mimi, I think I need to read this weekly.
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Post by isolated on Dec 18, 2008 19:09:16 GMT -5
"I wonder how many of us grew up in alcoholic households, or households with some other kind of addiction or OCD."
Heh, my mother must have been the queen of OCD. I remember her getting on her hands and knees in the evenings, after running the vacuum mind you, to pick up little lint balls. I rarely saw her sleep or do anything for herself; other the work,clean and occasionally sit down to rest.
After my grandmother died when I was 12 and my dad followed a month later, she gave up all hope and the squalor crept in and it's stayed like that for 15 years now. We have moved a few times and it has always seemed to follow us. She has literally given up all hope and says she is content with life but I know better.
So, I have lived in both extremes and I am still searching for a happy medium to it all. Luckily, I do still have hope and that is better than nothing all.
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victoriaj
New Member
Joined: July 2008
Posts: 58
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Post by victoriaj on Jan 3, 2009 18:07:31 GMT -5
Hi - I signed up a while a go with high hopes then ran away. I'm back because I really really need to do something about my situation (some problems with the landlord if I don't I think I risk losing my home), and because after 6 months it looks like I'm finally going to be able to access some counselling. (I say that because I cleaned my bedroom up once, and it was terrifying. I felt so out-in-the-open, so exposed in a neat, empty room. My brother, a neat-freak, pointed out that my mess is like a cocoon that I can hide in. Truthfully, if someone broke into my home, they might have a hard time finding me amid all the piles of mess. They certainly wouldn't be able to sneak up on me. More likely, an intruder would trip and hurt himself! I wonder if that is part of the reason I have it, and it is so hard to change? Wow - that's familiar. Do you find it sounds wrong too. I find my home sounds all wrong if there aren't things piled up everywhere - it sounds empty. I definitely agree with the cocooning. I am very territorial. Being messy is a good way to keep people out but even on the rare occassions when my house is suitable for guests I'd rather not have people in my space. (Well - I'd rather not have people in my space in some ways. I regret not being able to invite friends round. I really hate that my baby half sister minds she can't visit me). It started with my bedroom in my parent's house. When it was messy they wouldn't go in - and I preferred that. When it was tidy they did and then arguments could take place in my space, or they might take my possessions away as a punishment. (Another thing is that throughout my childhood showing care for something was the best way to lose it I think. If I really wanted to do something, or I really treasured it my mother would use that to try and control me. And it would be the thing I was threatened with everytime until I stopped caring and it was taken away anyway). When I left the room stayed and it took me some years to get it sorted out. Which was unfortunately the point at which my own flat got into a similar state. When my mother's house was burgled they went into every room but mine. They opened the door and just walked away. (The one thing I try to remember is that I spent much longer making that room a hovel and did eventually sort it all out ! So I should be able to do that here). Victoria J |
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Post by priceoverride on Jan 18, 2009 19:35:53 GMT -5
"Do you find it sounds wrong too. I find my home sounds all wrong if there aren't things piled up everywhere - it sounds empty. "
So true! I've been trying to come to terms with the sound of my cleared kitchen. It still sounds odd after a week or more. I'm still sorting the rest of the house, so I can escape from that "hollow" sound, but I wonder what I will think when the whole house is done?
On the brighter side, it's great to get in there and cook, and find everything I need immediately. It's also great that I can actually iron some clothes again. Before I just didn't have the space to get the ironing board out, or even find the iron. I was always reasonably well fed, and clean but crumpled-looking, but still not at ease with myself.
Time will tell, I guess
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Post by Ican on Jan 19, 2009 3:40:07 GMT -5
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babybug
New Member
Joined: March 2009
Posts: 16
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Post by babybug on Mar 2, 2009 15:40:33 GMT -5
Love this thread. I recognize some of my thought patterns. From the time I was a child, I noticed I wasn't repulsed by things the other kids were, especially girls. Worms, bugs - fascinating. I could pick them up, while the other girls ran away screaming. I thought they were incredibly silly. I climbed trees, dug holes, tried to make pottery with mud and didn't care how dirty I got. I could take a bath later. I felt sorry for mice - why did we have to kill them? Didn't they have a right to live, too? It was not until I was an adult that I learned reasons to be clean. Bugs, mice and dirt cause diseases. An orderly environment is less stressful. If you don't bathe you smell bad and people avoid you. I enjoyed the feeling of peace in my friend's spotless bedroom and decided I wanted that for myself, so in high school I began spontaneously cleaning my room. But all that is in my mind, not my gut. The only things I have ever had a grossout reaction to are rats, vomit and mucus. I wonder if it's genetic - maybe some of us are missing the squeamish gene. I've never been squeamish either!!!! I remember picking up roaches (not just waterbugs, but the real roaches) and playing with them. It didn't bother me. I would sit in the dirt for hours playing. Mom always chided me about not having a fear of germs. This thread is great...It feels so good to "give voice" to all of my inner thoughts. I had never put them to words...the feelings and motivations for why I do what I do. But all of the posts on here, I find myself nodding in agreement with as if lightbulbs are slowly coming on! |
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Post by creativechaos on Mar 3, 2009 22:42:52 GMT -5
Also, I have said "no" to MANY outside activities, including educational opportunities, and jobs that could bring in income, because I know that I could not devote time and energy to those and still make progress out of squalor. Then the problem becomes (1) the squalor becomes the thing that is holding us back from things we enjoy and things that could improve our situation, and (2) the squalor becomes an excuse for not trying things, not extending ourselves. Lioness, every time i read this thread and your post, i get more out of it. thank you so much for your precision and grace in describing some of the subtleties and complexities of this. morningglory, the quote above really struck a chord about the fine balance between making dealing with the squalor and extra possessions a number one priority while still living life and not passing up opportunities that would better our situations; well put, and thank you for this piece too. |
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Post by Lucky Laura Loving Life on Mar 27, 2009 16:38:58 GMT -5
  Hey Lion, This was a fascinating read,thanks to you for being such a great writer.In my mind I have still got a lot of things to wrap my head around with all this,but being a newbie I have to say you have articulated some great thoughts for me to try and digest. I agree with the others! This should be read by everyone. Thanx ! Laura
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katisha
New Member
Joined: December 2008
Posts: 17
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Post by katisha on Apr 10, 2009 4:33:26 GMT -5
I understand this thread. But right now I am still trying to think of myself as an 'okay person', and not to define myself by my squalor. I remember the relief I experienced when I found Squalor Survivors and saw the wondeful 'before and after' pictures posted there. I finally knew for sure that I was not alone. I also took inspiration from the fact that people with squalor worse than my own 'had one it', that there was hope and support and understanding out there. So be assured, I won't judge you by, or identify you as, your squalor. I'll try not to judge myself by my own squalor either, though it's hard not to.
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