rhall
New Member
Joined: June 2008
Posts: 18
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Post by rhall on Jun 5, 2008 13:45:00 GMT -5
I've seen this term for a while now and still can't figure out what it means or implies about cluttering/squalor as a problem.
Is there hard data suggesting it's part of the syndrome in some way?
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Post by CourageouslyLion SeeksSerenity on Jun 5, 2008 15:19:24 GMT -5
- To my understanding, there are two things: 1) "Demand Sensitivity" and 2) "Demand Resistance" Explanations are given at these links: web.archive.org/web/20210512132054/squalorsurvivors.com/overcoming/yourself/demand-resistance.shtmlfrogpond.com/articles.cfm?articleid=mmeyerson01web.archive.org/web/20121108084101/http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/182#comment-1734The concepts are described in the book "Too Perfect" which is reviewed here: web.archive.org/web/20210410220044/http://www.squalorsurvivors.com/resources/too-perfect-review.shtmland here: web.archive.org/web/20121108055823/http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/220"Demand Sensitivity" is when you perceive any suggestion or comment (even one from yourself) as being a demand. If someone says "The sky is very blue today", a demand sensitive response would be to perceive that comment as a DEMAND that you turn off the computer and go outside. Or if you see a pile of dishes in the sink, you perceive this observation as a DEMAND from the dishes that they be washed ... that lingering feeling that the Universe, Your Own Self, or Other People are DEMANDING that you DO something. In reality, the person who said that the sky was very blue -- she may have been thinking about what colors she was going to use in her next art class. But you perceived a demand emanating from her. The dishes aren't screaming to be washed, but you feel as if they are. "Demand Resistance" is a resistance to any demand.... whether it is a real demand, or a falsely perceived demand. When you want to say "You can't make me do that! Nobody tells me what to do! I want to do what I want to do! You're not the boss of me!" The interesting thing is that we are often demand resistant to our own ideas. This especially happens when saying "I ought to do the dishes." or "I should do the dishes." or "I must do the dishes." or "I have to do the dishes". Those words "ought to", "should", "must", and "have to" .... feel like demands. So we resist those demands. I never saw the importance of a clean home. I always felt that cleanliness was an expectation from society but not important. The mess didn't bother me, so why should I clean to please other people? I resisted these societal expectations. Later on, I began to read at Squalor Survivors every day, and began to change my way of thinking. I began to want to have an interest in cleaning up the mess. But whenever anyone asked if I wanted to do a chat challenge (a 10-minute or 15-minute cleaning effort done simultaneously with others in the chatroom) -- the word "CHALLENGE" made me want to run screaming from the room! I resisted challenges, lists, anything that implied something I had to do. I finally learned to say "I CHOOSE to do the dishes". Somehow, CHOOSING is self-empowering to me. I can CHOOSE to pick up the trash. I don't have to do it, but I can CHOOSE to do it. Note that some of the books and online websites on these concepts suggest saying "I want to" (instead of "I have to" or "I should"). That never worked for me ... because I really did NOT want to clean the toilet. And saying "I want to clean the toilet" was a bunch of baloney and I didn't like that. So I have found that regardless of whether I "want" to clean the toilet or not .... I can CHOOSE to clean it. And that makes all the difference for me. (By the way, I still haven't read the book "Too Perfect". I have been demand resistant about going to the trouble of ordering it. But I have gotten enough grasp of the concepts that I have chosen not to buy it at this time.) -- Lioness - |
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Post by threeg on Jun 6, 2008 0:20:13 GMT -5
I am severely demand resistant, and am trying to be more compliant instead. I have to really work at it...it's not an easy task.
Sometimes I feel like everyone demands so much of me, and seldom am I ever thanked or shown appreciation for what I do. This is wierd, because I hate things that don't make sense, but this demand resistance doesn't make sense, and I allow it to rule me at times.
Demand resistance is not helping me, it is hindering me. That's why I fight it. 3g is me
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Post by margaret56 on Jun 6, 2008 7:13:28 GMT -5
Lioness gave a great explanation. One easy way to tell if you (or someone else) has a tendency to demand resistance is to listen to your own language. If you keep hearing "I should", "I need to", or especially "I have to" a lot, especially if whatever it is you say you "should", "need to", or "have to do" doesn't actually get done, you can pretty much assume you've got it.
I agree with Lioness that changing those words to "I want to" doesn't help. But it does help to change to "I choose to clean the bathroom" or "I will clean the bathroom" or even "I am going to clean the bathroom today".
It's funny how pervasive this language can be without one realizing it. After you become aware of it and make the shift, you will find yourself cringing when you hear all the "I shoulds" coming from other people because you regognize they are indulging in demand resistance, too.
There is another problem with "I shoulds". That is the way our brains are wired, whenever you think about a subject and make some kind of decision about it ("I should clean the bathroom") your brain considers it accomplished. So in the short run, when you do this you stop fretting about the dirty bathroom but of course you don't do anything positive to actually move it forward. So it's just another way of more comfortably procrastinating.
A lot of us trace our demand resistance to a perfectionistic mother. In fact, when I hear the "I should...." in my head it almost sounds like my mother's voice! Letting go of impossible demands and starting to understand what are reasonable demands is a great deal of the task of desqualoring.
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Post by hypatia on Jun 6, 2008 12:28:34 GMT -5
I'm so glad I read this post! I've heard the term mentioned on SS before but never really read the description of what it means. Boy, it's scary how accurately it describes me.
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Post by heylady1 on Jun 6, 2008 13:14:38 GMT -5
I'm demand resistant but I didn't know about the demand sensitivity and I think that's me too. Like hubby will say that he's almost out of meds and in my head it means he wants me to call it in NOW. Stop whatever I'm doing and do it NOW. Which of course is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. And it isn't what he meant but that's how I respond to it.
Hmmm....which brings something up I hadn't thought about before. On other boards I have been a moderator but over time I just "wandered" away from those boards, never to return. I suppose it was because I had to be there and I had to read the posts, etc....
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Post by puppybox on Jun 6, 2008 13:20:40 GMT -5
I'm very demand resistant.
I've improved so much since the last time this subject has been defined, I'd like to report. I tried really hard to work on it when I first heard of it and realised that it is a huge problem of mine- it didn't seem to get better though. Evenmaking a mental list of things I needeto do would prevent me from doing those tasks.
But looking back I am way better -now I can make a mental or even written list and maybe complete it. Or at least do a few things on it.
I used to not even be able to make a list at all. Then I moved to the stage of making the list then being incapable of doing anything on it, simply because it was on the list (but I could get other things done to fill my time avoiding the things on the list)
then I progressed to making a list but just ignoring it (a subtle but important difference)
Now, as said, I can do things on a list, occasionally even finish a list. (also have a resistance to finishing anything).
Yay slow progress!!!
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Post by heylady1 on Jun 6, 2008 18:10:15 GMT -5
I have actually used this to my advantage!! I will get in my mind that I HAVE to clean the bathroom (my worst thing to do ever) today. NO MATTER WHAT. And then I'll do everything under the sun just to not clean the bathroom. "Oh well, I was busy I'll get to it tomorrow!"  Even though I know what's going on, the thought of that bathroom looming in front of me is enough to for me to "play along" and do other things. Weird, I know.  |
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Post by creativechaos on Jun 8, 2008 10:30:06 GMT -5
Lioness, thanks so much for taking the time to post this about demand resistance, your own experience, your creative choice to say "I choose" and the great links to some SS things I missed out on reading.
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Post by Script on Jun 8, 2008 11:49:46 GMT -5
I have actually used this to my advantage!! I will get in my mind that I HAVE to clean the bathroom (my worst thing to do ever) today. NO MATTER WHAT. And then I'll do everything under the sun just to not clean the bathroom. "Oh well, I was busy I'll get to it tomorrow!" Even though I know what's going on, the thought of that bathroom looming in front of me is enough to for me to "play along" and do other things. Weird, I know. You are describing something called STRUCTURED PROCRASTINATION: and you can read all about it HERE: www.structuredprocrastination.com/I am insanely demand-sensitive, and moderately demand-resistant. I wrote the material quoted by Lioness, because I could see FEEL touch myself and my whole family on every page of the Too Perfect . book. |
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Post by Little_Ninja on Jun 8, 2008 12:56:54 GMT -5
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Post by mouse on Jun 8, 2008 13:33:44 GMT -5
Lioness,
"I choose" is a fantastic way of framing the problem. I am so very glad you posted this, because it honestly never occurred to me. I shall try using that this week. "I want" has never been right for me, since I don't actually want to do any of it at all, and I am all about the demand resistance and the demand sensitivity.
Thanks again!
~Mouse
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Post by heylady1 on Jun 9, 2008 12:55:48 GMT -5
Script wrote:OMG that's me to a T 
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Post by Ican on Dec 1, 2008 6:55:45 GMT -5
- To my understanding, there are two things: 1) "Demand Sensitivity" and 2) "Demand Resistance" Lioness, thanks for posting this! |
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Post by dayeanu on Dec 2, 2008 14:48:03 GMT -5
Margaret56, this is brilliant: There is another problem with "I shoulds". That is the way our brains are wired, whenever you think about a subject and make some kind of decision about it ("I should clean the bathroom") your brain considers it accomplished. So in the short run, when you do this you stop fretting about the dirty bathroom but of course you don't do anything positive to actually move it forward. So it's just another way of more comfortably procrastinating.
That's why I walk in the door and think, " really should pick up the clothes out of the floor," but never get around to doing it! Thank you.
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